A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 23
A New Urban Legend

Chapter Description: Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home

“But it didn’t end there?”

“Of course not.  At the end of the school day, all hell broke loose.  The principal, Philian Quach, called for an immediate meeting with everyone together… the faculty, the administration, the superintendent, and the school board.  Everyone had to drop everything, leave their jobs, and get to the high school gym as quickly as possible.  The gym was sealed off, but they didn’t know that my home-girls had a perfect view, just inside the entrance of the girls’ locker room.  They told me everything.  The principal pointed to my blood, which was still not cleaned up by the boys’ entrance.  And then he really laid into Coach Bimbo.”

(Principal Quach)  “What kind of a fucking idiot on our faculty would step over a bleeding student’s body?  I ought to fire you right here and now!”

(Norton Bimbo, Wrestling Coach) “If you fire me, I’ll take each and every one of you down with me.  All of you in this gym wanted me to do everything I could to get that girl to quit the wrestling team.  You worried that the boys might touch her boobs or that she might touch their gonads.  This entire school district promoted and nurtured a culture of bullying to meet that goal and now it’s backfired in your faces.”

(Weedly Crapps, Social Studies teacher)  “Don’t try to drag me into this, Bimbo.  These were your two students.  They were both on your wrestling team and they were engaged in a wrestling match and you couldn’t control them because you were too fucking incompetent!”

(Coach Bimbo)  “Shut up, Crapps!  You and every other teacher in this school at one time or another witnessed Gort Canker walk down their hallway and punch Sammantha Adams in her stomach.”

(Ernestine Feltus, French teacher)  “In her uterus, dumbshit!  She’s a girl!)

(Principal Quach)  “I’d like to see a show of hands of all faculty members who were NOT aware that this boy was bullying this girl.”

No hands were raised.

(Principal Quach)  “Did anyone report these incidents?  Did anyone try to intervene when they saw it happening?”

(Taulbee Short, Math teacher)  “When I saw him punch her, I said ‘Hey, stop it’.”

(Rich Poorman, Shop teacher)  “Well, I say we nominate Short for the fucking teacher of the year award.”

(Panzey Hightower, Superintendent)  “Our district might be sued for millions of dollars by the Adams family … and I’m not talking about the TV show … We could even be investigated by the State of New York.”

(Principal Quach)  “Frankly, I’d be more worried right now about Sammantha coming to school tomorrow with an AR-15 assault rifle.”

(Moosa Munnee, Art teacher) “So what?  She’ll only be shooting the boys.”

(April Rainwater, English teacher)  “Coach Bimbo, what are the sizes of the two students who supposedly had this noon altercation?”

(Coach Bimbo)  “The boy is 6 foot one, 160 pounds … and the girl is 5 foot 8, 126 pounds.”

(Bitta Sakashita, Vocal Music)  “Really?  So what is her nickname, Wonder Woman?”

(Coach Bimbo)  “No … Ballcrusher.”

(Guy Wohlfahrt, Chemistry teacher)  “Coach, as far as we know, this is all just rumors.  What exactly did your wrestler boys tell you about the incident?”

(Coach Bimbo)  “They said that after Sammantha got done kicking the shit out of Gort … I think I should repeat that.  AFTER she kicked the shit out of Gort, she stripped him, spanked him, shaved off his pubic hair, jacked him off with sandpaper, forced him to eat his own semen, and for good measure, she stuffed a pickle up his ass coated in muscle rub.”

(Lander Slander, Social Studies teacher)  “Oooo, that stuff burns.”

(Lourds Surprise, Government teacher) “Nope, nope, nope … Nothing like that ever happened, certainly not at our school.  Coach, I think you got played for a fool by your wrestler boys.  We know they all hated the girl and wanted to make her out to be some kind of monster.”

(Donna Joy Dummo, President of the School Board)  “Coach Bimbo, cell phones are banned at our school.  Since there was no video evidence, do you think that any of the student witnesses would be willing to testify before us?”

(Coach Bimbo)  “Not a chance in hell … The boys will all protect Gort and the girls will all protect Sammantha.”

(Donna Joy Dummo)  “In that case, Coach, can you please give us the ‘wink wink nod nod’ version of what happened?”

(Coach Bimbo)  “The wink wink nod nod version is this … Gort Canker was accidentally injured when he fell down a flight of stairs.”

(Superintendent Hightower)  “That’s it!  Finally, we’ve gotten to the bottom of this.”

(Principal Quach)  “Coach Bimbo, I want to personally thank you for your honesty.”

(Donna Joy Dummo)  “And being a pro-active school district, tomorrow, the school board will announce a new city-wide program of stairwell safety drills which will be immediately implemented at all schools in our district, with the mandatory participation of all students.”

Unanimous applause erupts for the school board president.

(Velveteen Doctor, School Nurse)  “Principal Quach, have you received yet from the hospital, a list of injuries suffered by the boy?”

(Principal Quach)  “I have, but the information I tell you, must not leave this room.  Uh, Nurse Doctor, do you want me to read the list alphabetically or from top to bottom?”

(Nurse Doctor) “Nobody gives a fuck.”

(Principal Quach)  “Okay, in that case, I’ll read it from bottom to top.  It says the student, Gort Canker, suffered two broken ankles, two ruptured testicles, two broken pinky fingers, two torn biceps, a dislocated jaw, and two ruptured ear drums.  He also has skin peeling from his penis and second degree burns in his colon.”

(Nurse Doctor)  “I see … Well those are all very normal and typical of the kinds of injuries that we see in stairway falls … so I must concur with Coach Bimbo’s assessment.”

I finally had to speak up.  “Mom, that was the greatest story I’ve ever heard.  So what happened to Gort?”

“We don’t know, sweety, he never came back to our school.  His new reputation was ‘the great wrestler boy who got his ass kicked by a little girl … so he never filed any complaints.”

“And what happened to you?”

“Well, now I had a new reputation, too … but not necessarily one that I wanted.  Most people, especially boys, were downright scared of me.  Everywhere I walked in the school, students and teachers would stare at me.  When I walked down a hallway, it would be like Moses parting the Red Sea … and there would be a hushed silence.  They both respected and feared me.”

“But Mom, didn’t you like having all that power over boys now?  Isn’t that what you wanted?  You said that in middle school, the boys’ greatest fear was pissing off Sammantha Adams … and then in high school, it became true.”

“Well with great power, comes great responsibility.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaahh  Ha!  My mom’s become Spiderman!”

“Nope … They didn’t think I was Spiderman … They said I was more of a cross between Jeffrey Dahmer and Hannibal Lecter … although the eighth grade boys at the middle school made me an object of worship.”

“What was that all about?”

“Well, you have to consider the mind of the average thirteen-year-old boy … but what are you tonight, about eight?”

“I was thirteen once.”

“The high school kids saw me every day, but to the middle school boys, I was this mythic super hero who slew the baddest bully in the school.  At that age, they were all into graphic novels and graphic violence.  A lot of them would draw pictures of me battling Gort with fire and swords … In some cases, I would be depicted chopping off his limbs.”

“That is so cool, Mom … and now, I get to have you as my super hero.”

“But don’t ask me for an autograph.  That’s what those eighth graders did when they came to cheer me on at my matches.  They were a pretty wild group.  They spurred me on to a lot of victories.  And they would crowd around me after the meets and ask ‘Miss Ballcrusher, will you sign my drawing please?’  I only wrestled that one year in ninth grade.”

“How come?”

“I wanted to get away from all the controversy and commotion it was causing … and just play basketball in winter with my home-girls.  But those boys next year when they came up to the high school as freshmen … they still treated me like royalty.  They would salute me and say ‘Sir’ whenever I walked by.  So I just nodded in return.

“Did things settle down for you in your last three years?”

“A little … My match against Gort became the stuff of urban legends … kind of like Bigfoot and UFO’s.  The school still maintains to this day that Gort fell down a flight of stairs.  Some people believe, or want to believe, that the match really happened.   And then there’s a third group, the conspiracy crowd, who claim that I cut off Gort’s penis and stuffed it down his throat … which of course was my threat when I confronted him in the boys’ shower.”

It was late, and I was tired.  My eight-year-old body slumped forward with my head landing on my favorite pillow, Sammantha’s breasts.  She wrapped her arms around my butt and carried me to my last night in the crib … which I had so skillfully put together.  She tucked me in and put my arm around bunny rabbit.  Thus ended our day battling bullies.