A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 1
CHAPTER 101 .......... Where in the World is Pusi Peru?

Chapter Description: CHAPTER 101

CHAPTER  101                   Where in the World is Pusi Peru?

Gratefully, I stepped over to my desk to grab my backpack, but Sally hadn’t forgotten.

“So what did you think of my note?” she asked.

I let out a deep breath.  “Sally, I’m flattered.  But unfortunately, if you don’t know, I have the meanest mother in the world, and I’m not allowed to have any girlfriends till I’m sixteen … and that includes no dating, no shopping malls, no movies, no studying at someone’s house, no boy/girl parties, no kissing … and basically, no nothing.”

Sally looked a bit disappointed, and she nodded her head.  “I see … Okay, fine then.  You can tear up my note … but you still need to let me make it up to you somehow.”

“Make it up?” I asked with puzzlement

“Yeah, you stuck up for me against the mean girls, Starline and Duchess.  They are pretty mean, you know.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“So let me do something nice for you.  Would your mom at least let you come over to my house for dinner?  It’s just me and my mom there.  And she’s a good cook.  Then afterwards, we could drive you back home.”

I considered her offer.  “I guess that would be alright.  So, listen … I’ll ask my mom tonight and let you know.

She smiled.  “Cool, here’s my number if you want to call.”

“Thanks … see ya.”

I had to pick up the pace a bit to get to my sixth period Geography class.  I certainly didn’t want to pick up another detention.  I found my usual desk number one, and actually, I kind of liked the location because I was close to the board but off to the side, and not directly in front of the instructor.

That turned out to be a good thing considering this particular teacher, Mr. Harry Torain, projected as an old man with ‘old school’ methods.  He always carried around his wooden yardstick, both to point out items of interest on the large maps … and to keep students awake by slamming it down on their desks … so I’ve heard, which is why he acquired the secret nickname, ‘Scarry Harry’.

The yardstick already made me nervous.  His weapon could instill fear in any child.  I wasn’t sure if it was meant just for special effects, or to actually strike someone or something.  He didn’t seem like the friendly type, but I would reserve judgement for now.

“Take your seats, people,” he began.  “Our first lesson will involve identifying places on the world map.  As you can see, the entire front wall is a giant full color world map.  In addition, I’ll be passing out a blank world map outline to each of you … and your assignment will be to place a dot and a name identifying the 25 locations on your map.

“In addition, each student, alphabetically, will come to the front with a yellow stickie and afix their place name to the map on the wall.  You can use your chromebooks to help you.  Raise your hand if you have any questions.”

I received five worksheet maps and passed the remaining four behind me to Hoshiko.  But the alphabetical listing of place names struck me as odd and made me wonder if this was a ‘legit’ assignment for middle-schoolers.

I innocently asked, “Are these real places?”

“******* W H A C K !!!!!!!!!!**********

Scarry Harry delivered his first yardstick slap of the period to my desktop, causing most of the students in the room, including me, to jump with a brief scream … in a way that little kids would react to playing with their first jack-in-a-box.

“What did I tell you, Derrek?” he scolded me.

My voice shook.  “To raise my hand if I had any questions … Sorry.”

The man grumbled, “Well, since you’re such a smarty pants, why don’t you come to the front of the room and lead the class in the assignment?”

I was hesitant to move.

“Take my pointer and go up to the big map,” he instructed me.  “Go ahead and take it.  I have more.”

The ‘pointer’ was of course, his yardstick.  And why would he need more?  Does he break them like major league ballplayers do with their bats?

“Derrek, begin with your own destination and then call on your classmates in order.  That’s not too difficult.”

“I guess not.”  Then I wrote my town name on the yellow stickie.  With a bit of embarrassment, I said, “Okay, the name of my destination is Assebroek, Belgium.”

That drew the expected chorus of giggles, along with a comment from Randy, “Derrek, did your ass really break?”

I wished Hoshiko wasn’t second.  Would she share my embarrassment and simply not get the slang.  She rose to my cue and came forward to the big map.

“The name of my city is Ballarat, Australia.”

As expected, she was clueless as to why this location would drum up so much laughter.

Behind her, Batty, one of my teammates was already advancing to the board with a big smile and milked the name for all it was worth.

“Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitche, France.  In case you missed it, it was Bitche, France.”

By now, all the students had permanent smiles etched on their faces and eagerly awaited the next destination …  which fell to Grey Wolf.

“Booby Island, Bahamas,” he said without comment … as the laughter poured out.

I had a lot of teammates here.  Cocoa Conley was next.

“I have Booby Island’s sister city, Brest Bulgaria.”

Next, I used the yardstick and pointed to my secret crush, Madeline Dazilme.

“Climax, Colorado,” she announced with a grin, and affixed her yellow stickie in the right location.

Doll Furbush (her own last name complimented this assignment) called out, “Cumbum, India.”

“Cathy Gallops, where are you taking us?”

“Do I have to say it out loud?”

“We all do,” I told her.

“But this is so embarrassing … Dick’s Head, Somalia.”

With another chorus of laughter, I asked her, “Is that a real place?”

“Yeah, I googled it,” Then she turned to the instructor.  “Mr. Torrain, are all these places real?”

The man refused to answer.  I was guessing they were real, but also wondering if our strict teacher had some weird fetishes.

Showkat came up next.  “Fucking, Austria!’ he called out, with arms extended.

The reaction of the class was very loud ‘oooooooohhhs’.  Some of the students were literally rolling on the floor.  I hated being the leader of this lesson.  “Showkat, can you check the pronunciation, please?”

“Oh, look at this … In 2021 they changed the name from Fucking to Fugging because tourists were stealing street signs.”

“Goro,” I addressed my next teammate, “can you do any worse than that?”

“I’ve got Hardelot, France.  That one should’ve been Shokat’s.  He’s Hardelot.”

“Duchess, you’re up.”

“This is the only one on the list I’ve heard of … Intercourse, Pennsylvania … and they didn’t change the name like Fucking did.”

“John Jump Junior is next.”

“Mine is really for Duchess … Kuntaur, Gambia.”

“Shut up, Triple-J, “Duchess retorted.

Buster LaFrance stepped up to the wall and called out, “Likimi, Zaire.”

“Sania Nutts?”

“My destination is Naked Creek, Virginia.”

I felt that the lesson was moving at a quicker pace now.  “Oscar Ogles?”

“Oscar Ogles Nipple Peak, British Columbia … See?  I made a complete sentence.”

I was thinking, oh great, here’s Randy Pantz again.

“PENIS!!” he yelled out as loud as he could, practically demanding a reaction from his classmates … and he got it.  It took at least 30 seconds for the ruckus to die down.

I asked, “Could you be more specific, please?”

He raced up to the wall and pressed his stickie on the U.K.

“There it is … Penistone, England.  I think they wanted to change it to ‘Fucking England’ cuz tourists were stealing the signs.”

“Thank you, Randy, that was lovely.  Next up is Rosemary Reckers.”

The girl shook her head.  “This makes no sense … Pis Pot Island, West Virginia … wouldn’t want to live there.”

I pointed my yardstick again.  “BillieJo Rippatoe.”

“Pornbach, West Germany … What the hell is that?”

“Suzie Shrank, you’re up next.”

“You can start laughing at me now, everyone … because I have a ‘Pusi’ … Pusi, Peru.”

Suzie got the reaction she wanted, but I had to coach her a little.  “Wrong continent.  Try over here in South America, Suzie.”

“We used to play this at birthday parties,” she added.  “Pin the Pusi on the donkey.”

“Manhattan Sneeze, why don’t you bring up an extra stickie so you can show the class where Manhattan is?”

“Fine … And my destination is Raper Cape, Canada … except Canada is a pretty big country.  Any help out there?”

Hoshiko, of all people, called out, “Right near the top.”  (I wondered if she knew the meaning of these vulgar names.  But it even surprised me that these were all real places.)

“And last but not least, we go to row five.  Sally, what have you got for us?”

Sally proudly exclaimed, “I’ve got the big Titz, honey … Titz, Germany.”

When the noise settled, I asked her, “Aren’t you out of the alphabetical order, Sally?”

“I traded with Vicki.  I had to be the one with the Titz.”  She proudly paraded up to the wall map and affixed her stickie on Germany, while continuing her speech.  “Now remember kids, Titz can be a great snack … You’ve got Cheese Titz, Tater Titz, Roasted Titz, Titz on a stick, Titz a la mode, Titz Benedict, Grilled Blackberry Titz, French Apple Titz, Grand Mariner Soufle Titz, Fresh Fruit Frangipane Tart Titz, Dessert Crepe Titz, White Chololate Panna Cotta Titz, Chocolate Fig Biscotti Titz, Maple Pear Tarte Titz, Spanish Flan Titz, Baklava Titz, Volcanoe Lava Titz, Coconut Trifle Titz, Custard Tart Titz, Italian Cream Titz, Cannoli Titz …”

“Sally, I’m sorry I have to interrupt, but we’re running short of class time.  I’m sure all of us are looking forward to tasting these very exotic desserts.  Thank you.  Okay, we move on to Edison Toledo.  Your name could be on our big map too, but tell us your destination.”

“Schmucke Peak, East Germany,” the boy stated.  “But what’s a schmucke?”

“Does anyone in our class know German?” I asked.

Vicki VonVolkenburg volunteered, “It’s a penis … like Putz Goldfarb.”

More giggles followed.  Most of them probably didn’t know what Putz meant.  “Starline, you’re up.  What have you got?”

“I’d prefer something else, but what the hell … I have Slutsk, Russia.”

“Let’s not add any commentary, guys.”  Here I was, defending my arch enemy.  Vicki followed right behind her.

“Twatt, Scotland.  I traded with Tou Young… Mr. Torrain, you do realize that all of us are just twelve years old?”

Our instructor frowned, but didn’t reply.  I was wondering the same thing for the last half hour as I led the class.  It was obvious he was getting demented enjoyment listening to our reactions although I’m not so sure the school board would have approved this perverted geography lesson.  Scarry Harry may look like an old fogey on the outside, but in his heart, he must be one sick puppy.

“Since I’m Korean,” said Tou Young, “I will gladly end this class with Suchim dong, North Korea … and in case you were wondering, it means deep water town or ‘port’.”

“Turn in your worksheets,” the instructor called out.

I was very glad to hear the bell and get the hell out of there.

“You will make a good teacher, Darakatoms,” said Hoshiko.

“Thanks.”