When I got back to my apartment, I slowly walked around and I said out loud to the mirror, “Well here comes another fun evening of eating beans and jacking off.” But then, I was interrupted by the default ring tone on my cell phone, indicating that I did not know the identity of the caller. I checked the number. Nope, no idea who this was … probably spam but I answered it anyway, intending to hang up quickly.
“Is this Derrek Hamlish?”
“My name is Doctor Sammantha Adams. I’m a clinical psychologist at the same office that you visited this afternoon.”
I scoffed, “Oh great, so now the whole world is going to find out what a nut case I am.”
“Mr. Hamlish, it would be both immoral and unethical for me to review the file of a patient who was working with one of my colleagues.”
“So then why are you calling?”
“I’m calling to lecture you on office etiquette. It’s rude to ‘pitch a tent’ in public. If you experience a prominent erection in our waiting room, you should politely excuse yourself and visit the men’s room to take care of it … perhaps tie a rubber band around your penis and testicles and then tape them to your anus.”
Eww, that thought made me a little queasy. Good thing the doctor couldn’t see my face turning red over the phone. “Okay, I’m sorry that happened, but how did you know? I was trying to cover it up with a magazine.”
“The magazine was ‘Great Housekeeping’ and you were supposedly reading it upside-down.”
“Okay, I’ll try to be more careful about that in the future.”
“You were also undressing me with your eyes.”
That sure hit me like a thunderbolt. I suddenly realized I was talking to the athlete, the goddess, the female with a body beyond perfection. Jesus, what could I say? I took a deep breath.
“I’m really sorry, Dr. Adams. I didn’t mean for it to be so obvious.”
“Would you rather do it with your fingers?”
My eyes peeled back. “I beg your pardon?”
“Forgive my bluntness, Derrek. I want you to cancel your plans for this evening. I’m picking you up in an hour to go to dinner, my treat. Then perhaps we’ll return to your apartment for an activity.”
I needed to control myself. I was shaking bad. Maybe with all this hypnosis stuff, I was just imagining this call. I cleared my throat and replied, “Wow, Dr. Adams, that sounds like a really great idea.”
“Call me Sammantha.”
“Right, Sammantha … Yeah, I’d love to, but I’m just a little curious as to why you would want to date me.”
“Seriously, Derrek, have you checked out a mirror lately? Your looks are straight out of central casting. The five o’clock shadow sets the tone that Hollywood strives for. The wavy hair. That chiseled chin … did you have surgery to get that?”
“And your eyes … what the hell color is that? It’s so light. It’s piercing. It’s better than blue. Do you wear contacts?”
“Wait a minute, are you gay?”
“Well, shit, Derrek … In the circles I run with, you would be referred to as a ‘babe’ … a ‘hunk’ … How many women are you going to have to cancel on tonight in order to go out with me? … That is, if you’re still willing.”
“Oh, I’m willing, Sammantha. You let me take care of that.” Then I paused for a second. “I was just wondering though, what you were referring to for after dinner … an activity?”
“Yes, in clinical terms, it’s an activity that ends when a boy inserts his erect penis into a girl’s vagina.”
I dropped my cell phone, tripped on my own feet, and banged my head against the wall on the way down.
“Derek … are you still there?”
“Yes, I’m here.”
“So is an hour enough time for you to shower and dress?”
I wasn’t going to tell Sammantha that I never shower. Even if my age-regression was imaginary, I certainly wasn’t going to chance it now. Body powder would have to do.
“Uh, sure … I’ll be ready. You have my address?”
“I took the liberty of checking our computer … if that’s alright with you.”
“No problemo … see you soon.”
Right on time, Sammantha arrived at my apartment in a flaming red Porsche. I shook my head in awe at how her red dress and red car presented such a dazzling appearance.
“I don’t mean to be so ostentatious, Derrek … but I make a good living in the field of psychology so I figured, ‘what the hell?’ why not buy a car that matched my dress?”
I let myself in on the passenger side and commented, “You … and your car are a ‘knockout’, Sammantha … and I appreciate the invite … although in comparison, I do feel a bit underdressed.”
“Not to worry, Derrek. In a couple hours I’m sure we’ll both feel underdressed.”
(Wow, this woman does not beat around the bush.) She drove us to a very nice Italian restaurant and I offered to buy the wine, separate from the main menu. She refused.
“Sorry to be a party pooper, Derrek, but the athlete in me does not partake in alcohol. Water will be just fine.”
(Oh shit, that means I’ve got to be super careful this evening. I opted for a coke.)
My date smiled at me. “So Derek, what line of work are you in?”
I leaned forward and tried to be as sincere as possible. “Sammantha, I will never pretend to be someone I’m not. I drive an Uber and I deliver food. I’m afraid I could never reciprocate for an evening like this.”
My date broke into a sly smile. “There are many ways one can reciprocate. In fact, I’m quite pleased that I was able to find a place on your little black electronic book.”
I shook my head. “I can’t sit here and deceive you. Truth to tell, I haven’t been with a woman in over a year. And the reason for my whole condition is what brought me into your office today to see what’s-her-name, Dr. Frumpy.”
Sammantha replied dryly, “Well, half the time, Dr. Frumpy has her head up her cunt.”
The remark startled me. I never imagined professionals in a medical field could speak so disparagingly about a colleague.
“I like you, Derrek … You handle your life’s challenges with pride and dignity. It shows you’re a substantial human being.”
I blushed. “Well, I might not agree with all that … but thanks.”
She continued, “Derrek, perhaps you’ve noticed that I often speak directly.”
“Uh … Yes, I have noticed.”
“Well, then I can tell you directly that I won’t pry into your private condition. I can also tell you that the only reason I asked you out is because, for a man, you’re gorgeous, and I intend to use your body for intense sexual self-gratification.”
“You won’t hear any complaints from me on that account.”
“And I like it rough.”
“Rough?” I mused. “Do you intend to tie me to the bed and whip me?”
Sammantha waved a hand. “No, no … I’m not into fifty shades of black and blue. What I’m referring to is more akin to tackle football in the bedroom … sans clothing.”
“Sans clothing? … Oh, you mean naked?”
“You catch on quickly, Derrek.”