A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 48
CHAPTER 148 My Mom is Invited to Speak

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CHAPTER  148

Sammantha and I both turned off our phones and went to bed.  The crises was over and we had zero interest in re-hashing the days events with anyone.  It could wait.  I must have slept about ten hours … and didn’t even care if my school was an item on the TV news.

Tuesday morning, I was getting up and Sammantha tapped on my door.  “Sweety,” she called out, “we received another email from the schools.”

I grumbled, “About me, no doubt?”

“No … about me.”

“Huh?  That’s sounds weird, Mom.”

“That’s why I want you to read it.”

“Okay.”  I opened my bedroom door in my underwear and she offered me a printout.

Dear Dr. Sammantha Adams,

Every year, Jeffrey Dahmer High School invites special guest speakers to talk to our students about a myriad of topics.   These school assemblies usually concern areas of interest to teens and the growing up process through adolescence. 

Unfortunately, tomorrow’s scheduled speaker, Dr. Lasbat Ubreakanugal, has to undergo an emergency medical procedure and will not be able to attend.  But one of our sophomore students by the name of Peter Shinee, who’s made a remarkable improvement in his grades and social life, immediately recommended you as a possible stand in.  He raved about your skills and even showed me your book.

I realize this invitation comes on very short notice, but if it were at all possible for you to speak for one hour at 10 am tomorrow (Wednesday), the entire faculty and I would be most appreciative … and of course we would be glad to pay your standard lecture fee.

Very cordially yours,

Dr. Reginald Paningbaton, Principal,          Jeffrey Dahmer High School

I looked up with a big grin.  “This is terrific, Mom!  What’s your standard fee?”

“Lunch in the school cafeteria with the principal.”

“Cool!  Can I invite my friends from middle school?”

“Probably a few.  I not sure how large their auditorium is … and you might even see Kitti Power there.”

“Can I bring your fishing knife?”

“No.”

“How about Yolanda Schmeckpepper’s gun?”

“Derrek, killing Kitti would make you no better than Sally.”

“Okay, Mom … Maybe I’ll just give her big kiss.  So will you accept the invitation?”

“Yes, of course, sweety.  I love public speaking.  And there’s an awful lot of kids and teens with issues … who need good advice.”

“I know my teammates will want to come.  They think you’re the ‘cool’ mom.”

“Just make sure you clear everything through your principal and your coach.”

“Got it.”

I entered the principal’s office as soon as I got to school.  “Doctor Glass?”

“Yes, Derrek.  Are you okay after what happened yesterday?”

“Oh sure, I’m good.  I just wanted to ask you a question.  My mom is giving a lecture at the high school tomorrow and I wondered if it would be okay for me to attend it with a few of my friends and my football teammates?”

“Oh really?  This is the first I’ve heard of it.  What will she be speaking about?”

I took an object out of my backpack.  “I don’t mean it to sound like bragging, but a lot of people think my mom is the best psychologist in greater Buffalo.  Here, I wanted to give you a copy of her book … She mostly helps young people cope with life.”

My principal was quite impressed.  “Wow, this is a major event for us, Derrek.  Would you and your mom be okay if I invited your teachers and the superintendent along too?”

“Oh sure.  My mom was just concerned about having enough seats in the auditorium.  But anyone can come.”

“Let us worry about that, Derrek.  We’ll stand if we have to.  This is great.  I can hardly wait to hear her.”

The rest of the day, I tried to keep both my head and my voice down.  I had received enough unwanted and unwarranted attention as I’d care to have in a day … or in a whole school year.

In homeroom, I had to be careful because everyone in the school would want to cut class for any reason, so I just whispered to my two friends.  Hoshiko was very enthusiastic about it, but Madeline just said, ‘okay.’  Her usual smile and cheer were missing.

I asked her, “Is something wrong, Madeline?”

She shook her head.  “No, I’m just a little on edge from the gun going off yesterday.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“No, Derrek.  I’ll be fine.”

Later at football practice, my coach liked the idea and said he would order a bus for the team to leave at 9:45 am, which my friends could ride in too.

I asked X to call another team meeting in the locker.  I didn’t waste time.  “Hey, guys, my mom is talking at the high school tomorrow morning at ten.  You want to go see her?”

Showkat was the first to react.  “Oh!  Yes!  Yes!  Your mom is so cool!  And we get to cut class too?”

Our other temmates echoed his enthusiasm, but Coach Parker issued us a warning.

“If any of you knuckleheads act out in any way, you’ll spend the rest of your time there sitting on the school bus.  Stay together and keep your mouths shut.”

Tuesday evening, I  told Sammantha how everyone was ‘psyched’ up for her talk.  “Mom, do you have your material prepared already?”

“Sweety, I don’t do what you would normally describe as a ‘speech’.  I talk the same way I do at our group sessions in a room.  Then I give a pep talk from my book.”

“Do you want to do like an author booksigning afterwards?”

“I don’t sell books, Derrek.  They’re always free on my website or ‘Kindle’ … or in the libraries.  My goal is to help young people.”

I leaned up against Sammantha’s arm and gave her a semi-hug sideways around her waist.  Mostly I just like to feel up her body.  I asked her, “Are you going to talk about me?”

“Yes, I’m going to tell everyone that you’re 28 years old.”

“Ha, they won’t believe you.  Are you going to talk about sex?”

“Of course.  If I didn’t, no one would show up.”

“Since you’ll be live, do you think you’ll make the censors queasy?”

“I might, but not as much as you did on stage at the zoo.”

“Were you surprised that Peter Shinee recommended you?”

‘No, but if he sees you, just tell him that I patterned my avatar after you.”

“You did great work with Peter.  And that’s why you’re the top head-shrinker and work in a ‘shrinkatorium’.”

“Would you like a spanking, sweety?”

“No, Mom … I’m zipping my lips.”

Wednesday morning at breakfast, I asked Sammantha, “Are you nervous, Mom?”

“Hardly, sweety.  I enjoy taking over a room and being the leader.  It’s a common trait of a type ‘A’ personality.”

“Hah!  You’re an ‘Alpha Predator’, Mom … like a T-Rex.  “What type do you think I am?”

“Derrek, you’re very versatile, so I’ll give you a ‘B’ … On second thought, ‘B+’.”

“But what does that even mean, Mom?”

“It means you’re flexible, low stressed, relaxed attitude, even tempered, adaptable to change, laid back.”

“Yep, that’s me … but what’s the ‘plus’ for?”

“It means you can lead when necessary, like the way you stopped Sally on Monday and the way you confronted Yolanda.”

“Mom, they both had guns.  I would prefer to lead in safer situations.”

“You and me both, kid.”

“Are you going to wear your skin-tight workout uniform?”

“Oh sure, since my main objective is to titillate the middle schoolers.  Time to catch your bus.  I’ll see you at ten.”

I’m sure I was way more nervous than Sammantha.  All these people were filling up the high school auditorium to listen to my mom because they thought she was the ‘cool’ mom.  I had never actually heard her lecture before and was very anxious to see how she would handle such a large group … that was populated mostly by high school teens, but also contained middle school students and plenty of adults.

The high school principal, Dr. Paningbaton, made sure to give the middle schoolers the first row up front.  To my left sat Hoshiko and Madeline ...  and to my right, my 13 teammates.

All of my teachers came, even Senorita Gato who could have had her boobs sliced off by the guest speaker ...  and Norton Bimbo, the wrestling coach who had no love lost for Sammantha Adams.

I had to wave at some of the other familiar adults in the back … Superintendent Michael St. Michael, Dr. Glass, Coach Parker, and Officer George Justice.  I also waved to my pretend dad sometimes, Daniel Prestek, my pretend grandpa sometimes, Paul Adams, and Daniel’s partner, Gottfried Goldfarb, Putz’s dad.

A loud applause was stirred up as the principal of Jeffrey Dahmer High School, Dr. Paningbaton, strode to center stage alongside my mom.  She chose to wear a more professional looking gray pantsuit.

Chills went up my spine.

“Good morning everyone,” said the principal.  “As you know by now, our original speaker was unable to attend today’s lecture.  However we were extremely fortunate to find a most highly qualified stand-in who is a parent in our own school district … and who has dedicated her life to the emotional well-being of youg people.”

She is a clinical psychologist for the Buffalo Institute of Mental Health … and she is also the author of the book ‘Freak : A Journey of Self Evolution’.   And so, without further ado, let us all give a warm welcome to our special guest speaker, Doctor Sammantha Adams.