A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 2
CHAPTER 102 ………. Biology Lab: No, we’re not dissecting frogs today.

Chapter Description: CHAPTER 102

CHAPTER  102

Although I had an eighth periord study hall, seventh period Biology Lab would be my last regular class of the day.  Science was never my best subject, so I knew I’d have to work as hard as everyone else to get a decent grade.

But there was one aspect of this class that I looked forward to very much all day long … the chance to ask my schoolboy crush, Madeline Dazilme, to be my lab partner.

Any thoughts of me being an adult went by the wayside as I watched her enter the room.  I was just another nervous twelve-year-old, mostly afraid to talk to girls and deathly afraid of being rejected.  She acted so unaware of how perfect she was.

She was so sweet, with long flowing brown hair that swished to and fro.  My heart was racing.  All the kids were just standing around waiting for their partner assignments.  I took a deep breath and got up the courage to take the necessary steps in her direction.

But suddenly, my approach was cut off.  My view of Madeline was blocked.  Standing in front of me was Hoshiko Aoki.  Her arms stood straight down at her sides.  She closed her eyes and bowed her head before me.

“Darakatoms,” she said, “I would be greatly honored if you will accept me as your Bilogy lab partner.”

Hoshiko was frozen in her position.  She did not look up at me.  She did not open her eyes.  This was a dilemma I was not expecting.  I immediately thought of our lunch period when I asked her so politely in Japanese if I could sit with her.

And then, I rudely turned my back on her and walk away.  I was so worried about being rejected by Madeline but I had to remind myself that for me, this was just role play, but for Hoshiko, it was the real deal.

Boys often have decisions to make where they must think either with their head or with their cock.  This was Hoshiko’s first day of school in a foreign land.  She had made no friends.  If I were to reject her again, there is no question that she would be emotionally devastated.

I made to her, a similar gesture, only I didn’t close my eyes.  I just offered a generous smile and extended my index finger under her chin to coax her head up.

“Hoshiko … I, too, would be greatly honored if you would have me as your lab partner.”

The girl was quite relieved and excited to say the least.  She happily asked, “Where will we sit?”

If I was talking to a football teammate, I would have suggested ‘on our butts’, but I just pointed to the double table in front of us, which matched the the location of our seats in most of our other classes … first table near the door.

Our teacher had written his name on the dry-erase side board … Professor Nimrod Clinkenbeard.  I wasn’t sure what to make of him.  He had the look of a mad scientist, bald with a short grey beard … but with a wild mane of white hair that looked like maybe he had just put his finger into an electric socket.

If he was trying to imitate Albert Einstein, it was an epic fail.  He looked more like a clown.  The instructor had his hands in the pockets of his white lab coat and began shouting orders when the bell rang.

“I am not your babysitter, people.  Pick a lab partner for the semester, and pick a table.  If you fail at this first task, then I will choose for you … and no, you may not have three partners in a group.  Let’s get moving.”

There were 24 students and 12 tables, so the math was right.  Only one girl, Manhattan Sneeze, had not followed us from Geography.  I think she had ‘band practice’.  The students paired up with either a friend or someone who sat nearby.

1 … Derrek and Hoshiko

2 … Batty and Grey Wolf  (football)

3 … Goro and Showkat  (football)

4 … Madeline and Doll Furbush (I was glad she didn’t pick a boy.)

5 … Duchess and Starline  (obviously)

6 … Sally and Randy  (No one else was willing to work with Randy.)

7 … Rosemary Reckers and BillieJo Rippatoe

8 … Cathy Gallops and Sania Nutts

9 … John Jump Jr. (Triple J) and Buster LaFrance

10 … Cocoa Conley and Oscar Ogles

11 … Vicki VonVolkenburg and Suzie Shrank

12 … Eddison Toledo and Tou Young

After a few minutes, all the students were settled into their tables and Professor Clinkenbeard opened the door to his department office (or equipment room).  I’m not sure what it was for, but the door opened about ten feet in front of me and Hoshiko.

The room was fairly large, about a third the size of a classroom and had a connecting door on the other side … where it was shared by our Geography teacher, Harry Torrain and his classroom.

In a few seconds, the professor emerged, pushing a very large blue rolling bin.  Because of our table location, Hoshiko and I were the first ones able to peer into the bin.

“Hey, what’s in it, Derreck?” called Showkat.

(Hell if I knew.)  “It looks like a bunch of dead snakes,” I answered.

This was followed up by a few cries of ‘eeeeewwwwwww’ from some of the girls, while a few boys said, “Oh, cool!”

The professor picked out one of his ‘snakes’ from the bin and placed it on the table in front of me and Hoshiko.  He did the same with the other eleven tables.  (More eeewwws followed.)

It wasn’t like frogs where everyone had the same thing.  These ‘snakes’ came in a variety of lengths, sizes, and colors.  I touched ours, and it felt a bit like rubber or vinyl.

Hoshiko whispered to me, “Darakatoms, look at the proboscis on the end.  I think this may be the trunk of a baby elephant fetus.”

“Really?” was all I could offer in return.  I could already tell that Hoshiko had a very analytical mind and would make a great lab partner.

There was a lot of jibber-jabber going on around the room as each pair tried to guess what their specimen really was.  By now, most of the kids figured that without eyes, these things probably were not actual snakes.

Professor Clinkenbeard picked up what looked like a TV remote and pressed it.  The large silver movie screen at the front of the class slowly rose and finally revealed the subject of today’s lesson on the dry erase board.

“Penises Of The Animal Kingdom.”

“Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!” many of the students screamed, and some even pushed their specimen off their table and onto the floor.

“Pick up your penises, please,” the instructor ordered.  “Use a tissue or paper towel to dust them off.  I want you to keep your penis clean.”

“Even if we’re not circumcised?” asked Showkat?

“Where did you get all these?” Starline followed up.

The professor answered, “Mostly from between their legs.  Jerry Sandusky Middle School is probably the only school in the country where every twelve-year-old can touch a real penis as part of their educational curriculum.”

“Okay, I see my penis, but where are my balls?” asked Cathy Gallops.

“All of these specimens are from mammals,” the professor answered, “but none of them come with the testicles.”

Rosemary Reckers pressed the point, “Well, then how can I jack off my penis if I ain’t got no balls?”

The professor shook his head.  “Look, students, I know that it’s a shock at first, but I promise you, after a few minutes you’ll become comfortable with your penis.  It may help if you give your penis a name.”

“How about ‘Nimrod’?” asked Sally.

“No, you may not name your penis after any teacher.”

“I’m naming mine ‘Putz Goldfarb’,” said Goro.

“Or any student either,” added the professor.

“Damn!”

“Listen up, people … Your job is to observe and report … kind of like Paul Blart, the mall cop …  except you students are scientists, and you must examine your specimen very carefully … for length, diameter, weight, odor, color, texture, and any unusual features.”

“Most of you have probably never closely examined a penis before, other than your own if you’re a boy.”

“I saw my father stepping out of the shower once,” said Suzie Shrank.  “He wasn’t circumcised.  It was totally disgusting.”

“I want each table to send someone up to my desk for an exacto knife and you will make a small incision into your penis.

“-----eeeewwwwwww-----“

“Don’t cut your penis in half, but you will talk about what you see on the inside.  And your main goal will be to identify from which mammal your penis came from.  And you’ll probably find some good clues if you use your chromebooks.”

“Can I go to the bathroom?” asked John Jump Jr.

The professor replied, “If you have to go to the bathroom, leave your penis on the table.”

John appeared confused.  “But then how can I go to the bathroom?”

Showkat got out of his seat and ran to the other side of the room before making a big announcement.  “Okay I’m calling it! … 1:42 pm on August 15^th … It’s now official … Randy Pantz has the smallest penis in the 7^th grade!”

Most of the students bellowed with laughter, as Randy flipped him the bird and replied, “Fuck you, Showkat.”

“Watch your language, Randy,” warned the instructor.

Randy held up his specimen which was handed to him in a snack bag and he made an appeal to the teacher.  “Professor Clinkenbeard, can I get a bigger penis, please?”

“I would advise against it, Randy.  The surgery can be painful and the results are often not what you would have hoped for.  Your penis could become less sensitive.”

“I mean for this class assignment.”

“Oh … Well, don’t compare your penis to those of others, Randy.  You all have the same goals here.  Try to discover what makes your penis more special versus your classmates.”

“Eeewww!  Stop it, Goro!” yelled Cathy Gallops.

“What’s going on?” asked the professor.

“Goro keeps sticking his penis in my face!”

(Indeed, with a 24 inch donkey penis that bent in a long arc, Goro had been reaching forward over Cathy’s head and bopping the tip of his penis on her face.)

“Goro!” yelled the instructor.  “Quit playing with your penis.  You and Showkat both get to work.”

At that moment John Jump Jr. returned from the bathroom and saw that his partner, Buster LaFrance was having touble with some other classmates.  “Hey, stop that!” John hollered.

“Now what’s all the commotion?” the instructor asked, frustration building in his voice.

John stated emphatically, “Duchess and Starline grabbed my penis and they’re trying to stretch it!”

Professor Clinkenbeard shook his head again.  “Girls, you know better than that.  Give Johnny back his penis right now.”

“Now, as you continue to work, I want all of you to come into the back room with me, one pair at a time.”

“Why?” I asked the professor with a bit of curiosity.

“Because I’m going to expose my penis to you.”