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“Oh yeah … And wait till you hear about our Bio Lab instructor, Professor Clinkenbeard. Today he made all the students examine his penis.
“Sweety, I know you’re just trying to get a rise out of me, so why don’t you just cut to the punch line and ‘splain yourself.”
“Okay, the penis he kept in his back office was six feet tall and from a humpback whale.”
“A unique specimen, for sure.”
“Yeah, today we did oral presentations on mammal penises. Hoshiko and I got a dolphin which was pretty good … and two feet long. She’s a good partner. And ‘Clink’ had a whole rolling bin full of penises.”
“We all have our hobbies.”
“It was bad for Starline, though. She was given a severed human penis which turned out to be from her grandfather who was still alive.”
“Yeah, and he said on the phone that Grandma was trying to copy-cat Lorena Bobbitt. So Clink said Starline could take it home and give Grandpa back his penis.”
“That was a very thoughtful gesture by your teacher. But let’s switch over to Bimbo now. Did he know who your mom was?”
“He guessed it right away and said he would flunk me.”
“Should I go back and grab the fishing knife?”
“Uh uh. I defused the situation. Mom, I think you’d have been proud of me for using a technique that I learned right from you … reverse psychology.”
“Okay … I gotta hear this.”
“Well, I hope you’re not too mad at me for pretending that you were the bad guy and he was the good guy back at your old high school. I told him that he needed me to convince you not to tell all the new school people about the old school. I told him he got a raw deal and no one should tarnish his reputation. In other words, I fed him a long line of toro caca.”
“Spanish for bull shit.”
“Oh, sweety … As a professional psychologist, I would describe your strategy as utterly brilliant. Don’t worry about my feelings. You’re the one who has to deal with him. In fact, in my next book, I’ll have to include a new chapter on toro caca.”
“Any other quirky teachers?”
“In first period Math, Mr. Victum smokes a fake pipe like a pacifier, and let’s the kids walk all over him. I’m not sure how he keeps his job. And scary Harry Torrain in Geography rules his kingdom with a yarkstick that he slaps on student’s desks … “
“So he really is scarry?”
“Scary Harry is very scary … And he might need that yardstick if Coach comes after him tomorrow.”
“So did you learn anything today?”
“Most of the classes talked about penises and vaginas, so I’d have to say … no. Mom, may I please have a snack? I’m starving. And I’m really tired.”
Sammantha straightened her legs and I slid off her lap. She suggested chocolate cupcakes with the crème filling and those always hit the spot … great with milk too.
Sammantha came over to my seat in the kitchen and started massaging my shoulders. It felt good.
“Sweety, I think what we both could really use tonight is a naked sleepover.”
I tilted my head. “I don’t know, Mom.”
“Look, I know you’re really tired after running laps and fucking your teacher, so we won’t do any hanky panky tonight. I just want to curl up with you and maybe spoon you.
I sighed. “How could I say no to that?”
“Sweety, since our bodies got switched back, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship … and I realize now that I wasn’t a very good person as a boy. Sure, I was thrilled to have a penis, but I was also very selfish and immature.”
“Mom, I thought you did well as ‘Sam’ … when you were my big brother and I was your little sis … and I certainly deserved every spank you gave me.”
“But my place in the world is to help others, and it would have been extremely difficult to do that as an eleven year old boy … despite our one success with Peter Shinee. I’m happy that you have your penis again and I can still occasionally play with it.”
“Yeah, we’ve been together a long time now, Mom.”
Sammantha stood me up and squeezed me like a boa constrictor.
“I so much love every time you call me ‘Mom’ sweety. In a twelve-year-old body, you are at the apex of your cuteness … and just the right size to hold you and squeeze you and feel you up all over.”
(That’s what I was fantasizing I was doing to Madeline Dazilme this morning.)
Sammantha took me by the hand. “Come here, I want to show you something again from a while back, on the computer.”
I took a look. “Oh, yeah, you did show me this once before, but I forget the guy’s name.”
“The name of the artist is Guayasamin … and the painting is called ‘Mother Embracing Son’. I look at it and see us. This is how I feel about you, Derrek. Maybe someday you’ll want to grow up again, but for right now, it makes me feel that our life is perfect.”
She was sitting and I rested my chin on her shoulder. “I’m tired today, Mom. I’ll want to go to bed early … sans PJ’s.”
HOSHIKO SENDS AN EMAIL TO HER FATHER IN JAPAN
My first day of middle school in Buffalo, New York was difficult. The Americans have a word for it called ‘culture shock’. I do not understand why the students here are so immature. They are disrespectful to their instructors and don’t seem to take their studies seriously.
Nearly all the girls in this school are poor. Their parents send them to school with rips, tears, and holes in their jeans. This appearance would bring great shame to a family in Japan. A child would be kept home until presentable clothing could be found.
My math class has no purpose. I learned this material when I was in the first grade in Japan. And the instructor has a pacifier in his mouth. At first, I thought he was a ‘birthday clown’ and I was waiting for the real instructor to arrive. I will teach myself math this year.
Health class was supposed to give us information about human procreation. It was nothing more than 45 minutes of vulgar expressions. I will take a bag with me tomorrow in case I need to vomit.
Geography and Biology were not much different. If this were Japan, the authorities would shut this school down.
Some of the bad boys throw food during lunch time. One of them recited a vulgar poem during math class. They are so lacking in values and respect, I can’t believe our people lost a war to this country.
I only made one friend today. He is a boy named Darakatoms who sits in front of me. His name means ‘ruler of the people’. He greeted me with some Japanese words because his mother taught them to him.
Most of the time, Darakatoms is polite and respectful. But at lunch time, when I was alone, he came to my table and asked me in Japanese if he could sit with me. For a moment, I was very happy. But then he turned his back and walked away when the bad boys called for him to sit with them. I thought that was very rude.
When we arrived later in the day at Biology Lab class, I decided to give him another chance. I knew that in this class, we would be matched up with a partner. And I decided quickly that it would be much worse for me to be matched up with any other student. The expression used here is ‘in your face.’
I went close up to his face and asked him if he would allow me to be his lab partner and he agreed. Today, we dissected the male organ of a dolphin. One girl had to dissect the male organ of her grandfather. This was a disrespectful way to treat her ancestor. What kind of school is this?
If Darakatoms had rejected me again, he would have hurt my honor, and I would ask you to bring me back home to Japan or at least transfer me to a private school. So far, I hate this school.
HOSHIKO’S FATHER RESPONDS
It is absolutely forbidden for you to return to Japan at this time. Doing so would bring great shame and dishonor to our family. We chose this public school for you so that you would come to know real Americans, not just the wealthy ones. You must learn to be diplomatic and respectful to their ways. Then your culture shock will lessen.
Perhaps you should speak more with this Darakatoms boy. Ask him questions about the culture and see what kind of answers he gives to you. Do not consider him rude because he wants to eat lunch with his tribe. Most boys in middle school join together in an informal tribe when they are away from their parents. Your mother and I wish you well.
MADELINE DAZILME JOTS NOTES IN HER DIARY
Sometimes I hate it when I have to play the ‘good girl’ all the time. I certainly don’t want to become a ‘popular skank’ like Starline and Duchess. But I still have human sexual desires, and it’s frustrating not being able to express them.
In the past hour, I rubbed my clit raw and made it through five orgasms fantasizing about Derrek Adams fucking my brains out. I didn’t know what to expect when I started my first day of the seventh grade, but I certainly never expected to be sitting next to the most gorgeous boy on the face of the earth. Now I have a terrible school girl crush on him.
And he’s so nice too, so polite … just the perfect ‘boy next door’. He’s not stuck-up and smart assed like other boys. All the other boys belong in a zoo. I tried making small talk with Derrek. It was my way of flirting, but I don’t think he picked up on that. He just seems so innocent. He looks like he’s never kissed a girl in his life.
I was desperately hoping that we could be lab partners in Biology, but Hoshiko, the Japanese exchange student got to him first … and that’s okay. She’s a nice person too, and I would never try to break into their bonding since he speaks some Japanese too.
Maybe if I’m nice to Hoshiko, we could someday hang out together as a trio. And that would be fine for the school year. I would just melt if I could be next to him. But I just can’t help thinking about the idea of Derrek putting his hands up my shirt and feeling me up … all over. Boy, would that be nice.
But I get sad thinking that he may be out of my league. Derrek is so perfect, and me, I’m just plain old Madeline, the girl with no boobs yet. He must think I’m a child.
I need to grow some bigger tits. That’s probably why he doesn’t notice me. I sure noticed him. He had a pretty good sized erection when he stood in front of our health class with Sally. And Sally’s a tramp. She was sexually harassing him. I would love to get my hands on that boner and do some harassing myself. I would get a good grip on it and tell him in no uncertain terms ‘This is mine, mister’. But that is just a fantasy.
I kept thinking all day that he was staring at me. But based on the position of our student desks, he was probably just staring past me at the teachers. And when Doll and I dissected a tiger penis … I was imagining all along that it belonged to Derrek.
My only major problem will be keeping my disease a secret from him. If Derrek finds out about it, he won’t want to be anywhere near me.