A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 50
CHAPTER 150 .......... Questions and Answers

Chapter Description: 2 new pictures added 12/21/23 Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home

CHAPTER  150

“Question: Why do girls have so many holes?”

Answer:  That’s a good question.  Every morning I count my holes and I always come up with a different number.

Q:  Can girls ejaculate eggs?

A:  Nope, they can only ejaculate babies.

Q:  Are vagina slits vertical or horizontal?

A:  Well, if you approach a girl from the side, they’re going to be horizontal.

Q:  Can I keep my sperms in a jar as pets, like fish in a tank?

A:  No, they bite.

Q:  I heard that pregnant women put their legs into stirrups, but how do they keep the horse from bucking?

A:  They feed him carrots.

Q:  If I’m invited to a bar mitzvah party, will I have to get circumcised?

A:  They can usually take care of you between games of  ‘Musical Chairs’ and the ‘Limbo’.

Q:  Should I ask permission before putting my hand down a girl’s pants?

A:  Yes, ask her father.

Q:  Is it true that if I masturbate during a job interview, I probably won’t get hired?

A:  Most businesses are so short-staffed these days, it shouldn’t make a difference.  You’ll earn praise for being a multi-tasker.

Q:  Will tighty whities make my sperms boil?

A:  Just fan your balls once an hour and you’ll be fine.

Q:  Am I allowed to get a tattoo on my penis?  I want it to say ‘Swan’ now, and    ‘Saskatchewan’ when I get a boner.

A:  Ask you mom to perform the procedure on you.  She’ll be happy to do it.

Q:  Where are girls’ orgasms located?

A:  These days, most of them are located in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

“Okay, now let’s take a look at questions submitted by girls.”

Q:  If a clown wants to have sex, can he use a balloon as a condom?

A:  If a clown ever wants to have sex with you … run.”

Q:  Why do guys like boobs so much?

A:  They look like ice cream cones, and they give the boys something to look at when they’re talking to girls.

Q:  Is the scientific word for penis … dick?

A:  No.  In Latin it’s Corpus Spongiosum Penium.  In German it’s Weiner.

Q:  If you kick a boy in his balls really hard, will he die?  Is there a ball hospital in Buffalo?

A:  He probably won’t die.  Buffalo Mercy has an entire wing dedicated to boys who’ve been kicked in their balls.  The nurses are used to hearing a lot of moaning.

Q:  Can a boy pee if he has an erection?  If so, wouldn’t he have to stand far away from the toilet?

(On the smart board, Sammantha drew a large penis with an angle 60 degrees above the horizontal with an arc of pee eventually dropping into the water.)

A:  You boys need to pay attention in Geometry class.  You need to calculate the distance standing from a toilet using the formula for a parabolic arc as   y=(x-h)2+k.  If you do it right, then family members and pets should be able to walk under the arc of pee.

Q:  If a boy cums in my butt, and I fart, can I blow bubbles?

A:  As long as you’re at a birthday party, it’s fine.

Q:  Since girls can have multiple orgasms, would it help if I used a multiplication table?

A:  Just use the calculator on your phone.

Q:  Is a dildo better than a boyfriend?

A:  Yes, they don’t belch, fart, or scratch.

Q:  Does a boy’s penis flop up and down while running, like boobs do?

A:  Most boys are big time floppers, but since penises weigh less than boobs, the boys’ running times are not affected.

Q:  If a boy kicks a girl in her vagina, can his foot get stuck?

A:  Yes, and you better have a good story to tell the nurses when you get to the ER.

Q:  What is the best way to dispose of a douche bag?

A:  Just tell him you don’t love him anymore.

“Students, you’ve been a wonderful audience.  Thank you for having me as a speaker.  Dr. Paningbaton, thank you for inviting me.  I’ve had a terrific time.  Everyone enjoy the rest of your day.  Good morning.”

The standing ovation for my mom lasted about 45 seconds, which is a long time for an applause.  I was stunned by how good (and how funny) her lecture was … just the total opposite of boring, and once again, I just couldn’t help it when chills ran up and down my spine. 

I was so proud of my mom.  It was a moment where my brain drifted off and accepted that I was just a twelve-year-old boy who was so glad to have a mom as talented and special as Dr. Sammantha Adams.

I kept clapping even when everyone else had stopped.  When she stepped down from the stage, I quickly embraced her.

“Mom!  You were incredible!”

“Thanks, sweety.”

“Everyone loved you!”

“Everyone but one.”

She was right, of course.  Randy Pantz was the next person to greet her.

“Doctor Derrek’s Mom, why did you break my phone?”

“Why do you think, Randy?”

“I don’t know.”

“Randy, how many naked pictures of me did you take this morning?”

The boy hesitated before answering.  “Uh … not that many.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, and they weren’t really naked pictures of you.  Your boobs and your pussy were computer generated.”

“Hmm … Randy, do you think I looked good in those pics?”

“Oh, yeah, real good.  You looked very athletic.”

“My boobs weren’t too big?”

“No, they were perfect.”

“Was my pussy shaved in an ‘I’ formation?”

“No, it was the usual triangle.”

“Ah-ha … so the picture is a fake.  Well, I’ll give you my card.  You can ask your parents to call me and I’ll replace your phone.  That’s the best I can do for now if you don’t want the principal to know.  And you better stop using the clothing filter.  I don’t want to see you getting suspended again.”

Randy’s head drooped and he replied, “Okay.”

Madeline and Hoshiko both smiled and my teammates all gave Sammantha an enthusiastic thumbs up in appreciation.

Showkat told her, “Doctor ‘A’, you still rock my world!”

She replied with a grin, “Thanks, Mr. Kool.”

By now, everyone was heading to the high school cafeteria for lunch.  True to her word, Sammantha was going to meet up with Dr. Paningbaton and Dr. Glass.

“Mom, if they’re really serving brains for the main course, I’ll just have the jello.”

“Why, sweety?  Brains is good brain food.”

“Hey, why are there still some students sitting in the auditorium?  They look like they’re crying?”

“Derrek, a lot of times in these lectures, my words will strike a familiar cord.  It may be the first time that those students met someone who could understand what they were going through.  Some of them may contact me later … Go catch up with your team.  I’ll see you tonight.”

“Bye, Mom.”

I saw no fried brains in the cafeteria line … just the typical burgers and fries … jello and milk.  My teammates kept throwing compliments at me, left and right, about how great my mom’s talk was.

I heard a few of them say, “I wish my mom were as cool as yours.”

It made me feel really good … and I knew how lucky I was to have Sammantha as my mom.  I liked being twelve.

When we finished lunch, our team lined up just outside the cafeteria doors adjacent to a long row of lockers … and then I saw her.

Kitti Power, dressed in denim jeans and a sweatshirt, was dropping off some stuff in her locker … about a dozen down from where we were standing.

I didn’t like to consider myself as the ‘evil’ Derrek, but the opportunity seemed too good to pass up, especially with an audience of 14.

I called out, “Hey guys!  I’ll bet you each a dollar that I can sweep a high school girl off her feet and kiss her on the mouth and hold the kiss for ten seconds straight.”

“Oh!  I’ll take that action!” said Showkat.

“Count me in, too, amigo!” said Goro.

Momentum quickly built till it captured the spirit of all but one teammate.

Batty needled our captain, “C’mon X!  You have to make it unanimous!”

Captain X shook his head commenting, “This is so stupid … fine, count me in, but you guys are asking for trouble.”

A quick cheer went up and I knew I had to move fast before Kitti left her locker.  I sprinted down about twenty feet, making sure to stay behind her back as my teammates followed.

My god, this happened so fast.  I put my right forearm against the back of her knees and with my left hand, I grabbed a little bit of her sweatshirt right at the top part behind her neck.

As I tugged the sweatshirt down, I lifted her knees up.  Then I caught her back with my left arm as she was falling backward, so I was literally carrying her about two feet off the ground.

My mind went back to another movie scene, this time from ‘The Sandlot’ … the swimming pool incident where twelve-year-old Squints Palledorus pretended he was drowning in order to get the scrumptious lifeguard, Wendy Peffercorn, to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him.  When he drew her in for a deep kiss, she yelled ‘pervert!’and quickly kicked him out of the pool.

But Kitti Power was way more sexy than Wendy Peffercorn.  Before Kitti could even say “Whaaaaa??!”,  I planted my round mouth over hers and pressed hard.