A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 96
CHAPTER 196 .......... Academic Inanity – Round One

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CHAPTER  196

On Saturday morning, Sammantha and I made the rounds, picking up Madeline and Hoshiko for the trip downtown to the Channel 7 TV station.  Their parents/guardians made the trip too in separate vehicles.  We just wanted to be together as teammates.

“This is so exciting!” said Hoshiko.  My parents will be so proud that we are going on television to represent our school.”

“Just play it cool,” I told my teammates.  “John Wayne Gacey Middle School was not exactly our favorite opponents when we met them in the opening football game.”

All three of us made sure to wear something nice.  Sammantha bought me a pullover sweater and I wore a shirt and tie.  The girls both wore nice dresses.

We made sure to arrive early at 9:30 am.  We waved at Major and Shilo.  I was glad she came along too … and the quiz show host, Macarthur Bull, greeted us warmly.

“Hey kids, welcome to the show.  Don’t be nervous now.  Just be yourselves and have fun.  Remember, it’s a game.”

Next, our opponents entered the studio … with my worst fear coming true.  ‘Mister Two’, Liberty Fabian was on the Gacey team and I knew that there was no love lost between him and me.  He too, was accompanied by two girls.

“Hello, I’m Autumn Breeze.”   “I’m Madeline Dazilme.”    “I’m Windy Cave.”    “I’m Hoshiko Aoki.”

Then the very tall boy approached me.  He towered over me but I did not back down.  We did not need introductions.”

“I am the captain,” said my opponent.

“Is that so?” I retorted.  “I had a hard time recognizing you without the number ‘2’ on your chest.”

Our chests touched each other.  No one moved.  He looked down at me.  I looked up at him.  It reminded me of Rocky Balboa facing off against Ivan Drago.”

Liberty Fabian sneered and gave me a message … “We will break you.”

I shook my head and answered, “I don’t think so.”  I knew all my teammates on the football team would be watching the replay at 3 pm, so I wanted us to put on a good show.

“Okay, kids,” said the host, “Let’s all take our seats on the stage and start the show … 3,2,1 … we are on the air.”

(From the audience’s point of view, our team sat on the right side.  I was in the middle seat for the captain.  Madeline was seen to the left and Hoshi to the right.)

“Hello, and welcome everyone to another blazing fast round of America’s most exciting student quiz show, Academic Inanity.  I’m your host, Macarthur Bull, and we have two outstanding schools squaring off today.  Let’s first meet the students of John Wayne Gacey Middle School.

“Hello, I’m Autumn Breeze.  I provide the glee for the glee club and today is the first day that I’m wearing a training bra.  My boyfriend has pubic hair in his crotch.

“Hello, I’m Liberty Fabian.  I’m captain of the football team and I’m here today to destroy Derrek Adams.”

“Hello, I’m Windy Cave.  I spread gossip around my school and today is the second day of my menstrual cycle.  My mom is going to buy me a good douche.”

“Okay, and now let’s get the introductions for their very worthy opponent, Jerry Sandusky Middle School.”

“Hello, I’m Madeline Dazilme and I’m a cheerleader and vice president of the seventh grade class.”

“Hello, I’m Derrek Adams and I’m the president of the seventh grade class … And Liberty Fabian can bite me.”

“Hello, I’m Hoshiko Aoki and I’m an exchange student from Japan.  I’m also the class treasurer.”

“Okay, let’s have a big round of applause for our six competitors.   (clapping)   And without further ado, let’s play round one of Academic Inanity.”

(I couldn’t admit to my teammates that I was really nervous, especially being on television.  My shaking middle finger rested against the buzzer button.)

“Okay, kids, you all know how to play.  Every question is up for grabs, and the first student to buzz gets to answer.  But if you’re wrong, your oppent can steal, and each correct answer will be awarded ten points.   Alright, let’s begin.  Your first question is … “What’s long and hard and filled with seamen?”

BUZZ

“Sandusky, Derrek.”

“A penis?”

“No, I’m sorry.”

BUZZ

“Gacey, Liberty.”

“A submarine?”

“Yes, that’s right.  The first ten points go to Gacey Middle School.”

“Next question … It comes in different sizes, sometimes it drips. If you blow it, it feels good, what is it?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … a nose? … Yes, a nose is corret.”

“Next question … It’s noted for going in and out.  It can discharge loads from its shaft. Both men and women go down on it.   What is it?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … An elevator? … Yes, an elevator is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  I’m spread out before being eaten. Your tongue gets me off. Sometimes people lick my nuts. What am I?

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … Peanut butter? … Yes, peanut butter is correct.”

“Okay, next question … “Arnold Schwarzeneggar has a big one.  Michael J. Fox has a little one and Madonna doesn’t have one at all.  What is it?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A last name? … Yes, a last name is correct.”

“Okay, next question … What is six inches long, two inches wide, and everyone goes crazy over it?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A hundred dollar bill? … Yes, a hundred dollar bill is correct.”

“Okay, next question … What does a man have in his trousers that a woman would not want on her face?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … Wrinkles? … Yes, wrinkles is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  If you see me in bed, you whack me off.  The bigger I am, the louder you scream.  Seeing what’s between my hairy legs will make your skin crawl.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A spider? … Yes, a spider is correct.”

“Okay, next question … If I miss, I hit your bush.  It’s my job to stuff your box.  When I come, it can be big news.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A newspaper delivery person? … Yes, that’s correct.”

“Okay, next question … What do men keep in their pants that their partners sometime blow?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … money? … Yes, money is correct.”

“Okay, next question … I’m the most fun when you put me in small holes and wiggle me in and out.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A Q-tip? … Yes, a Q-tip is correct.”

“Okay, next question … What does a bride in India get on her wedding day that’s sometimes long and very hard.

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A new last name? … Yes, a new last name is correct.”

“Okay, next question … I grow in a bed, first white, then red.  The plumper I get, the more women like me.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A strawberry? … Yes, a strawberry is correct.”

“Okay, next question … When I go in, I can cause some pain.  I will fill your holes when necessary.  It would be better if you spit than swallow.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A dentist? … Yes, a dentist is correct.”

“Okay, next question … Many people like these to be long, but short ones can also be effective.  It is definitely possible for one to be too long.  What is it?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A tweet? … Yes, a tweet is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  I go in hard.  I come out soft.  And you like to blow me.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … Bubblegum? … Yes, bubblegum is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  What does a man have that begins with the letter ‘P’ and gets bigger if properly stimulated?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … The pupil in his eye? … Yes, the pupil is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  What gets longer if pulled, fits snuggly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, can choke people if used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?”

BUZZ … “Sandusky, Derrek. … A penis? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Gacey, Liberty … A seatbelt? … Yes, a seatbelt is correct.”

“And with that kids, we will take a halftime pause for a commercial break.  So take a moment to sit back and relax.  Our score at the midpoint is John Wayne Gacey, 180 points with Jerry Sandusky standing in second place with zero points.”

“Now folks, I want to remind you that you should not infer from the round one tally that the students of Jerry Sandusky Middle School are in any way stupid, ignorant, or retarded.  So far, it’s true that they might be an embarrassment to their teachers, and to their academic coach, Mr. Major Victum who’s seated right over there in the front row.”

“But there is a lot more Academic Inanity to come in round two, and anything can happen.  So fasten your seatbelts as we head to the second half.”

(The girls hated me.)  Both of them elbowed my upper arms and they did not try to whisper their complaints.

“Why do you have to be such a jerk, Derrek?!” Madeline yelled at me.  “Everything you say is ‘penis, penis, penis, penis’.  I’m gonna cut off your penis if you don’t shut up!”

Hoshiko wasn’t any more tolerant.  “You should let us have turns instead of selfish hogging, Darakatoms.”

“Hey Adams!” Liberty Fabian called to me from a few feet away.  “How does it feel to get pussy-whipped by your girls on live TV?”

Actually, we were on a tape replay later at 3 pm, but he made his point.