Chapter Description: Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home
*** (Chapter 54 will be posted on 3/9/23)
The first two legs of our journey home went smoothly. We met no farting grandmas and we did not attempt to have sex in the lavatory. In fact, there weren’t even any policemen waiting to arrest us when we stepped off our plane in Miami … on time at 12:17 pm.
Miami International Airport was huge … taking up five square miles … so big that we had to take an overhead tram system just to get to the United terminal. Once there, we faced a six hour layover till our next flight to Atlanta and Buffalo.
“Mom, we’ll need to go through TSA screening again.”
We stood now in the large atrium of the food court area.”
“Let’s grab some lunch first, sweety. I want to watch the CNN TV monitors while we eat. It’ll be nice just to relax.”
Wendy’s always has good food and I never got tired of their frosties and classic sandwiches with all the fixings. We were both desperately hungry, since the ladies at the convent had not asked us to stay for breakfast.
We sat down with our food and waited for the top of the hour (1:00 pm) for CNN to begin their next news cycle.
“Good afternoon everyone. I’m Flint Flesher. It is 1 pm and we have breaking news coming out of Atlanta. The CDC has just completed their analysis of what has come to be known as the ‘Blob’, some type of large ooze that was found on the ceiling of a room at the Pink Dolphin hotel in St. Thomas, Virgin Islands.”
“Some thought that the Blob might be an organism capable of spreading the next viral pandemic across the globe. Others thought that the Blob might actually be alien in nature, perhaps the first life discovered from another world.”
“I hope you’re not eating at the moment, because after completing their analysis, the CDC now says that the so called Blob is made up entirely of human semen.”
The entire crowd at food court atrium at Miami International exploded into uproarious laughter. Sammantha and I held our collective breaths. Did the CDC suspect who the human was that this Blob belonged to? And would they try to track me down?
“So the obvious question is … how did it get there? The amount of semen in the ‘Blob’ had to come from at least a dozen men, maybe more. Well, no sooner had the CDC made their announcement, that a college fraternity called in and claimed responsibility for the prank. We go now to our local affiliate in St. Thomas, Tanya Tiger. Tanya, are you there?”
“Yes Flint, I’ve been monitoring the situation here at the Pink Dolphin hotel for several days now. Authorities in St. Thomas were taking no chances in dealing with the Blob and that’s why they called in the CDC. But now it turns out that the Blob was nothing more than a prank concocted by college fraternity students here at the University of the Virgin Islands.”
“Tanya, do they know which one?”
“Yes Flint, the fraternity known as ‘I Phelta Thi’ claims that they snuck into the hotel early in the morning with two ladders and a board and performed what is known in slang as a ‘line jerk’. So instead of a line dance, each male lines up and takes a turn on the board near the ceiling and masturbates close enough that his semen would stick to the ceiling.”
“Tanya, how many boys were involved in this stunt?”
“Flint, the word we’ve been getting is that 13 to 15 students took part in what is rapidly becoming known as the ‘prank of the century’.”
“And what are St. Thomas officials saying now. Are they going to prosecute these boys?”
“Police officials just want this story to go away, Flint. Hundreds of thousands of dollars were spent on the investigation … and they don’t like the idea that they’ve been made fools of by a small group of college students. Health inspector Obo Ononogbo has barricaded himself in his office and is not taking any calls. People are saying that, pardon my language, he can’t tell the difference between a cum shot and a jelly stain.”
“And what about the CDC?”
“Flint, they are also mum. Experts want to know why the CDC reps couldn’t identify the Blob as semen before sending in the hazmat units and bringing it back to Atlanta. They did mention that they have already disposed of the Blob as medical waste … and as far as they’re concerned, this story is closed and they have better things to do. This is Tanya Tiger reporting live from St. Thomas.”
Sammantha and I were both amazed at how much worldwide attention the Blob had garnered … and I sure had one good question.
“Mom, why do you suppose those college kids wanted to take responsibility for something that could get them into serious trouble?”
“Well sweety, the ‘I Phelta Thi’ fraternity is very famous nationwide, and I guess they figured that if they could take credit for the ‘prank of the century’, that might make them the envy of all other fraternities.”
“Mom, I’m just really glad that the CDC threw out the Blob. The thing that I was most worried about is that maybe they would take the time to do a DNA analysis. Then they would have discovered that the college boys were all lying. The whole Blob came from one person … namely me.”
“That would have given the CDC quite a surprise, sweety. It might also have triggered a nationwide manhunt for the owner of the Blob. You were lucky.”
Our attention turned back to our burgers and the CNN TV program.
“Our other big story today is also from the island of St. Thomas. The video we’re about to show you is what happened when a pair of nude skydivers were blown off course by the wind and accidentally landed on a large breakfast meeting being held by a female religious group, the Women of the Lord, in the northern part of the capital, Charlotte Amalie. Tanya, are you still on the line? Do you know anything about this story?”
“Yes Flint. The couple was tethered together in what is known as a tandem jump. They were apparently attempting to video themselves combining two activities … streaking and skydiving. Their goal was to do this early in the morning, around 6 am, when there would be no live witnesses.”
“And that didn’t quite work out, did it?”
“No, Flint. Much to their discomfort, the wind took them east and settled them onto a religious campus hosting 300 devout worshippers who had just sat down for an outdoor breakfast.”
“And how did the Women of the Lord react when the naked couple landed on one of their tables?”
“Not well, Flint. As you might imagine, 300 screaming women can make a lot of noise, and several of them used their phones to video the chaotic scene which you’re watching now.”
“Yes Tanya. I want to point out to our viewers that we had to blur out the couple’s genitalia to keep our censors happy.”
“Flint, the couple tried desperately to make an escape but you can see here that at one point, one of the nuns was able to tackle the male and grab onto the young man’s penis and try to … let’s say … stretch it a little.”
“Tanya, I grew up going to Catholic schools and I often felt their nasty ruler rapped against my knuckles … but in all that time, I never had a nun try to rip out my penis.”
“Well fortunately for the young man, she failed to do so here and he was rescued by his naked partner. The woman pretended to be a big cat … and her mighty roar scared off the Women of the Lord.”
(Once again, the huge crowd in the airport atrium stood up and cheered, watching us make our escape.)
“Tanya, do authorities there have the names of the two skydivers?”
“Yes Flint. They do.”
(At that moment, my face turned ashen white. Our lives and our reputations were about to be ruined forever. We would be arrested and extradited back to St. Thomas in chains. We had attempted one too many items on Sammantha’s bucket list. And now, the whole world was about to learn the names of the wild naked skydivers.)
“Flint, the pair has been identified as Martha and Johnny Frumpy of Albany, New York”
“And do you know if police are charging them with anything?”
“Well, there’s an interesting dynamic going on here, Flint. The Women of the Lord called the police immediately to press charges against the couple for a variety of wrong-doings. However, when police viewed the video you’re seeing now, they also wanted to arrest Sister Aurora Archangel for sexual assault when she grabbed the young man’s penis and yanked it forcefully.”
“She should have just used a ruler.”
“Well Flint, the predicament that their sister was in caused the Women of the Lord to have second thoughts about prosecuting the naked couple … and they agreed to drop all charges in return for the release of their sister.”
“Tanya, do you have an idea where that couple is now?”
“No Flint, but wherever they are, by now they’ve probably put their clothes back on and will be harder to recognize. This is Tanya Tiger reporting live from Charlotte Amalie on the island of St. Thomas.”
I looked across the table at Sammantha. “Wow, Mom. We dodged another bullet. And that was a fantastic idea to use fake names for the skydiving, but how did you think to do it ahead of time?”
“I was concerned about the legal risks, sweety. If something went wrong … and something did … I didn’t want to hang around and get us both into trouble. I’ve mentioned to you that I have a lot of clients who can help me with fake ID’s and birth certificates. I won’t try passports though.”
“And you work with a lot of crazy people like me.”
“All people are a little crazy, sweety. But I think yours is the good kind.”
“Are you using our real names when we go through airport security soon?”
“Not for you. You will be, once again, Derrek Adams, age ten.”
“Okay, Mom. This time, I promise I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
***(Chapter 54 will be posted on 3/9/23)