A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 4
CHAPTER 104 ……Biology Lab: Meeting Grandpa

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CHAPTER  104

“There is no way on god’s green earth that this school would have seventh grade students playing around with a detached human penis.”

“Uh, girls,” said Professor Clinkenbeard.

“Yes?”

“It’s a human penis.”

“AAAaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!” Starline screamed (with volume) as she threw the phallus hard to the floor.

Bedlam broke out in the classroom with practically every girl screaming and nearly every boy laughing.

The professor scolded Starline and Duchess, “Come on now, girls.  Please pick the man up and at least put him in a zip-lock sandwich bag.  We all need to show some respect.  There are people in the world who upon death, donate their bodies to science so that students like you can become better informed about anatomy.

Professor Clinkenbeard handed Starline the little bag, and although reluctant, she used a tissue to pick up her specimen and place him in the see-through receptacle.

“You may present your penis properly now, girls.”

Duchess started.  “Well, he’s definitely a big boy.  (more giggles).  “He’s about six inches long without one of those bone thingys … a baculum … and Starline cut him open a little bit with the exacto knife.  What did you see, Starline?”

“Well, the poor guy has these two spongy areas that run along the length, and from what we learned in health class, whenever this guy got horny  (more giggles)  blood would fill up the spongy parts and that would give him a hard-on, you know … a boner ...”

Randy chipped in to the discussion, “You mean a stiffy?  A pocket rocket?  Morning wood?”

“Was he pitching a tent?” asked Goro.

“A dick stick?” said Triple-J

“Hammer of Thor?” said Tou Young

“Moby Dick?” said Edison Toledo.

“A one-eyed monster?” said Showkat.

“A magic Wand?” said Oscar Ogles.

“Mount Vesuvius?” said Cocoa Conley.

“Rumpleforeskin?” said Buster LaFrance.

“Twig and berries?” said Batty

“Stick shift?” said Grey Wolf.

By now, all the boys were looking at me for a contribution, so I guess to fit in, I needed an offering.  “Big Schlong?” I said, thinking of Sammantha’s description of Gladstone Point DuJour.

“All you boys just shut up,” Starline yelled.  “It’s a fucking erection, okay?”

“Language, Starline,” warned the professor again.

Duchess continued, “So the mushroom at the top is the most sensitive part and the little hole is where all the piss and sperms leak out.”

“Is that where their period comes out?” asked Suzie Shrank.

“Really, Suzie?” said Duchess.  “Boys are too stupid to have periods.  That’s why god gave boys balls we could kick to keep ‘em in line.”

“Do we know who the donor was?” asked Rosemary Reckers.

The two presenters turned their heads toward the instructor.

Professor Clinkenbeard replied, “Actually, I think the specimen came with card.  Let me check in the back room.

A half minute later, he returned and announced, “The name of the donor was Harlow Valentine.”

“AAAaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!” Starline screamed (with volume) as she threw the phallus hard to the floor a second time.

“Again?” said the teacher.  “Starline, what is wrong with you?”

Tears streamed down the girl’s face as her classmates heard her anguished explanation.

“Harlow Valentine is my grandfather!”

“OOOoooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” her classmates gasped in shock.

Professor Clinkenbeard was taken aback.  “Starline … I had no idea … I’m sorry for your loss.”

The girl screamed at her instructor, “You’re sorry for my loss?!!  You fucking retard!!  My grandfather is still alive!!”

“OOOoooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” her classmates gasped again.

The professor shook his head.  “Well then I’m sorry for his loss.  Do you think he might like to have it back?”

The girl grabbed a tissue to wipe her eyes.  She sobbed out loud.  “There were always rumors around our family but no one was allowed to speak of it.  Some of them thought that maybe Grandma had cut it off, but we didn’t want to believe that.  We thought they were all just teasing.”

Starline picked up the little bag containing Grandpa’s member and she asked the teacher, “Can I borrow your phone, Professor?  We’re not allowed to carry ours in school.”

“Of course, Starline … but please use the speaker phone.”

For the first time in the period, the class was completely quiet … as the girl punched up her grandfather’s number.  Waiting through the rings was tense.  He finally answered on the eighth ring.

“Hello?” said the voice of an elderly man.

“Hello, Grandpa?  This is Starline.  How are you doing?”

“Starline?  Is this really my favorite granddaughter?  I’m always doing well when you call.  To what do I owe the pleasure … and aren’t you supposed to be in school today?”

“Oh, we are in school, Grandpa … seventh period Biology Lab.  I’m working on an assignment with my friend, Duchess.  Do you remember her?”

“The girl with the dark hair … sure I do.”

“Well I’m calling to tell you something that might be kind of a surprise and I’d like to find out from you if it’s true.”

“Biology Lab, huh?  You want to ask me what kind of dinosaur I had as a pet when I was growing up in the stone age?  I hate to tell you, but the ‘Flintstones’ was not a documentary.”

“That’s not exactly it, Grandpa.  I’m not playing a trick on you and I’m not joking.  Our assignment in this class is to dissect your penis.”

Fifteen seconds of silence passed.  “Grandpa?  Are you still on the line?”

The man sounded like he was clearing his throat.  “Starline, will you excuse me a moment while I put in my hearing aids?”

“Sure, Grandpa.”

Her words would have shocked anyone.  We all wondered how he would respond to such personal news.

“Okay, Starline, I’m back.  Now the last thing I thought you said was, and I quote, ‘Our assignment in this class is to dissect your penis’.  Now tell me what you really said.”

“You heard me correctly, Grandpa.”

The man was stunned.  “What?!  Really?!  Surely you can’t be serious.”

“I am serious, Grandpa … and stop calling me Shirley.  We just want to know if it’s really yours.  Our teacher said it was donated to medical science.”

“Hmm, I always wondered what happened to it.  Can you check if there’s a single blue star tattooed just under the head?”

Starline held the little sandwich bag up to the light to examine her specimen.  “Yes, it’s there,” she confirmed.

“Well, then that’s mine, alright.  I used to be a big Dallas Cowboys fan … but not anymore, obviously.  Your grandmother was probably the one who donated it, since she’s the one who cut it off.”

Many students quickly put their hands over their mouths and gasped, “OHHH!”

“We always heard rumors about that, Grandpa, but I was always too scared to ask.”

The elderly man explained, “Well, I used to work as a traveling salesman and one week I had a convention to attend in Chicago and I brought my secretary along.”

“You don’t have to go any further, Grandpa.  I think we get the picture.”

“No, no.  This is something I want to get off my chest.  My secretary was a cute blonde named Yolanda Schmeckpepper.”

(My jaw dropped.  That woman must have been on her back for anything with two feet.  Wait till Putz hears about it.)

The man continued, “Grandma probably wouldn’t have minded if I only banged my secretary, but my problem was, I was too good looking back then.  Several of the female sales reps started hitting on me, and I followed them up to their hotel rooms after dinner.”

“How did your secretary feel about that?”

 “As you might imagine, not so good.  Yolanda got jealous and ratted me out to Grandma.  I had no idea how seriously pissed off Grandma was till I got back home.  She waited till I was asleep and cut off my penis with a serated knife.”

“That’s just awful, Grandpa.”

“Indeed it was … and it hurt a lot, too.  I’m sure she got the idea from Lorena Bobbitt who cut off her husband’s penis in 1993.  So Grandma just drove off with it and I had to drive myself to the hospital.”

“So what did Grandma do with it?”

“She was still pissed and refused to give it back for a possible re-attachment surgery.  So they gave me a prosthetic fake, but obviously, my love life was over.  She must have hid it away for several years before donating it to science.”

“So why did you stay with Grandma after she did that?”

“Your grandmother was always a good cook, and I just didn’t want to be alone.  But I believe she had many regrets since we couldn’t do much in the bedroom afterwards.”

“Grandpa, my teacher wants to know if you want it back.”

“Yeah, sure, why not, Starline?  I could keep it in a jar on the fireplace mantel as a reminder of good times.”

“Then I’ll bring it over.  Okay, good talking to you, Grandpa.”

“Love you, Starline.  I’ll look forward to seeing you.”

It was a touching story, and for once, my classmates had the good sense not to tease Starline about it.

“You handled that well, Starline,” said Professor Clinkenbeard.  “Okay, class, the bell is about to ring, so I want everyone to put their penises back in the rolling bin for now.  The tables who didn’t present their findings today will do so tomorrow.  Class dismissed.

I turned to my right and gave Hoshiko a thumbs-up.  “Good job, partner.”

She smiled back.  “Darakatoms, you are also a good partner.”