A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 1
Chapter 100 .... Sex Dis-Education in the Schools

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Chapter  100 ..........Sex Dis-Education in the Schools

“We don’t use those kinds of words in class, Randy … Speak using only the proper scientific names.”

“Like cunt?”

I’m not sure why Randy insists on poking the bear.  Coach Bimbo quickly grabbed him out of his seat by the belt above Randy’s butt.  He lifted the boy off the floor, carried him to a side window, opened it, and shoved Randy head first on top of the glass.

The boy stretched out his arms to stop his forward momentum and yelled out, “No! no! no! no! no!” … which is the same thing I yell when I ejaculate.

The teacher held him there momentarily as his classmates did not exactly come to his defense.

“Throw Him Out!!  Throw Him Out!!” they screamed.

Then he set the boy back down at his desk and wrote him out a detention slip.

In continuing, I said, “Since I already have two detentions today, I’ll try to word this in a way that won’t get me a third…..The vagina is a tunnel between a girl’s legs that receives the male partner’s erect penis during intercourse. The male ejaculates sperm which travel beyond the vagina into the uterus.”

“Can you point to Sally’s vagina now?”

I preferred a descriptive reply.  “Sally’s vagina is located behnd the only part of her jeans that aren’t shredded with holes.”

“Okay.  Sally, point to Derrek’s prostate.”

“Um, don’t I need a latex glove and some Vaseline for that?  Derrek, you’ll need to drop your pants so I can stick my finger up your anus.”

I told her, “That’s not going to happen, Sally.” (especially since Kitti Power just recently poked me there.)

“What’s a prostate?” Coach Bimbo asked her.

“I heard that it was a walnut that squeezes the juice when a boy ejaculates.”

“That’s close enough for our purposes, Sally.  Now I’m going to open up the classroom to questions for our two normal pre-teens … and no one has to feel bashful or embarrassed.  We’re here to learn.  So first, who has a question for Derrek?”

Starline was first to raise her hand.  “I have a two-part question.  First, how long is your boner, I mean erection, and second—“

Starline was interrupted by her partner in crime, Duchess Hartless.  “Do you like to play with it?”

Duchess was in the first seat, just two feet in front of me.

I nervously considered how to answer.  “Um, I’m about normal length for a twelve-year-old.”

“And what’s normal?” Starline followed up.

“Probably four inches,” I mumbled.

“Oooooooooooooooohhhhhh,” the class reacted … and so did my member.

“And Duchess, all boys masturbate … and probably all girls too.”

“Nuh uhhhh,” countered Randy Pantz.  “I never do it.”

I shook my head in wonderment and said, “Shut up, Randy.”

Another student raised her hand, catching me off-guard.  “I have a question,” said Madeline Dazilme.  “Can boys do a coregasm?”

I felt so awkward being on display as my little seventh grade crush learned all about my boyhood.  I was getting hard now, but there was no way I was going to reveal how good my penis felt achieving a coregasm, when less than five percent of males can do it.

“Sorry, but I don’t know what a coregasm is … Coach Bimbo, do you know?”

“That’s a topic for discussion some other day,” he answered.

(Ha! He didn’t know what the hell it was either.)

Duchess threw me another one.  “Do boys get stupider when they have erections; cuz all the blood leaves their brain and goes to their penis?  You’re standing right in front of me and I can see you’ve got one now.”

(Fuck you, Duchess.  Why don’t you just strip me and point it out to everyone?)

This in-class assignment was not my idea of fun.  Duchess Hartless, from almost kissing distance, continued to pepper me with the most inappropriate questions, all of which I refused to answer, while Norton Bimbo sat at his desk and didn’t say ‘boo’.

“Does your mom know you’re a masturbator? (She taught me the coregasm.)

Did you ever jack off into a teddy bear?  (No, it was actually a rabbit.)

Did you ever jack off into a vacuum cleaner hose … or a watermelon?  (No, it was a cantelope.)

How about into dirty socks?  Electrical sockets?  Toilet paper roles?  (I’m creative.)

Did you ever jack off with another naked boy?  (Only when I changed bodies, but let’s not go there.)

Have you ever touched another boy’s penis? (Putz Goldfarb, but it’s not something I want to brag about.)

Do you stare at the other boys’ penises when you’re in the locker room?  (Sometimes I make a brief comparison.)

Do they stare at yours?  (Sometimes to make a brief comparison.)

Did you ever put your finger or your penis in a girl’s vagina? (Is there a difference?  Well, there was Penelope.)

What does your own semen taste like?  (like a Big Mac and fries …  it’s salty.)

Did you ever lick another person’s genitals?  (Sometimes these things just happen.)

Have you ever considered changing your sex?  (I tried it for a few weeks, but quite honestly, I didn’t like getting fucked.  And the tampons were messy too.)

What’s your pet name for your penis?  (No way will I say ‘Peepee the Clown’ out loud.)

Have you ever showered with your mom?  (Only with milk.)

Have you ever touched your mom inappropriately?  (Only when I get the urge.)

When was the last time your mom saw you naked?  (When we had sex.)

Do you get sexually aroused when your mom spanks you?  (If she wouldn’t do it so hard, then definitely yes.)

Did you ever dress up in girl’s clothing?  (Ask Putz Goldfarb.)

Would you be friends with a clone of yourself?  (Yeah, when I switched bodies.)

Have you ever lied about your age? (Heavens no, that would be so immoral. I’m twelve.)

Are you a virgin?  (I’m pretending to be one.)

How many girls have you slept with?  (I don’t actually fall asleep.)

Do you have bad foot odor?  (Would you like to smell them yourself?)

Have you ever farted on a moving elevator?  (It was wrong on so many levels.)

What do you wear when you sleep?  (My mom still makes me wear PJ’s.)

After you pee, are you a tapper or a shaker?  (I shake my booty.)

Have you ever tried fellatio or cunnilingus?  (Sorry, I never took Latin in school.)

Can I kick you in the balls and see what happens?  (Let’s say ‘no’.)

Did you ever stick a foreign object up your rectum?  (A cucumber, but it was grown domestically.)

What was your most embarrassing sexual experience?”  (Listening to your lame-ass questions while I stand two feet away from you with a very pronounced erection … the outline of which, every member of the class can see.)

When Duchess finally ran out of breath, it allowed the rest of the class to participate and contribute some even more lame-ass questions … but at least not directed to me.

QUESTIONS FROM BOYS:

If a clown wants to have sex, can he use a balloon as a condom?

If a girl is naked and does a split, will she suction-cup herself to the floor?

Where is a girl’s orgasm located?

If a boy kicks a girl in her vagina, can his foot get stuck?

Why do girls have so many holes?

Can girls ejaculate eggs?

Are vagina slits vertical or horizontal?

If I’m stuck in a desert and thirsty, can I suck on a girl’s tits to stay alive?

Do steroids give your penis muscles?

Can you keep sperms in a jar as pets, like fish in a tank?

Is there a world record for how far sperms can shoot?

I heard that pregnant women put their legs in stirrups, but how do they keep the horse still?

If I get invited to Putz’s bar mitzvah, will I have to get circumcised?

If my scrotum is wrinkled, does that mean my balls are getting old?

If my aunt has balls, should I address her as uncle?

If I hire a prostitute, and I have erectile dysfunction, will she give me a refund?

My pregnant mother is planning a baby shower.  But what if the baby isn’t dirty?

When a brother and sister have intercourse, are they having insects?

Am I allowed to get a tattoo on my penis?  I want it to say ‘Swan’ now, and    ‘Saskatchewan’ when I get a boner.

Why do girls chew on a boy’s balls?

Is the scientific definition of a girl … ‘A life support system for a vagina’?

Should I ask permission before putting my hand down a girl’s pants?

Will tighty whities make my sperms boil?

Why do pussies smell so bad?  Can’t girls shove tic-tacs up their hole?

Can we install a camera in the girls’ locker room for educational purposes?

Can you recommend any good sex toys for middle-schoolers?

I’ve heard that fertility clinics can freeze a girl’s eggs.  Wouldn’t it be easier just to freeze the whole girl?

If I don’t pee on my fingers, do I still have to wash my hands?

Why are girls allowed to come to school if their vaginas are bleeding?  Shouldn’t they go to a hospital?

Are chicken flavored condums healthier than regular ones?

Should I put condoms on my fingers when I want to download porn?

Did Martin Luther King really say “I have a wet dream” or was it something else?

Why do my farts catch on fire when I hold a Bic lighter up to my anus?

If you want to have regular sex with a girl, do your balls have to go in too?

How come my school-issued chromebook won’t let me use ‘penis’ as my password?  I keep getting a message that it’s not long enough.

Is it true that if I masturbate during a job interview, I probably won’t get hired?

Do Walibri Tribesmen in Australia still greet each other by shaking penises instead of hands?

Is it wrong to masturbate while holding a picture of Jesus?

If pee comes out instead of sperm, will my girlfriend dump me?

Did the Seminole Indians discover the seminal vesicle?

Is a girl with big breasts allowed to drink her own milk at school lunches?

Is that thing in a girl’s hole called a cli-TORIS or a CLIT-oris?  And how come no one’s ever seen one?

If I have sex with my dad’s sex doll, will I lose my virginity?

Couldn’t we have a more honest discussion in sex-ed class if everyone were naked?

QUESTIONS FROM GIRLS:

“Can a boy get a boner and an erection at the same time?

Can a boy get a broken bone if he has a boner?

Can I avoid crabs if I stay away from the ocean?

Can I still get a ‘cammel toe’ if I’ve never ridden a camel?

Why do guys like boobs so much?

Are boys lying when they say they haven’t picked out a name for their penis?

Is the scientific word for penis … dick?

What does an erection feel like?  Does it hurt?

Why do baseball players have to readjust their balls so often?

Does a penis flop up and down while running, like boobs do?

Can a boy pee if he has an erection?  If so, wouldn’t he have to stand far away from the toilet and calculate the parabolic arc as  y=(x-h)2+k ?

Can a boy accidentally sit on his balls and hurt himself?

Do boys really put gerbils in their butt when they masturbate?

Since you’re a health teacher, can you teach me how to have an orgasm?

Where do boys put tampons?

I’m worried about my mom.  I accidentally discovered her strap-on penis.  Is that like a prosthetic because she used to have a real one?

If I don’t want kids, do I still have to have a period?

If a doctor gives me testosterone, will I grow balls?

I often hear boys tell each other ‘I have to go home and spank my monkey.’  Is this just big talk?  I’ll bet most of these boys don’t even have monkeys.

If sperms have tails, how come boys don’t?

Are there any books for popular muff hairstyles?  And how do I prevent razor stubble?

Does semen taste good on ice cream?

How are boys able to ride a horse?  Don’t their balls get squashed when the horse bounces them up and down on the saddle?

Do you think I should wait till age 13 before having sex?

If a boy cums in your butt, and you fart, can you blow bubbles?

If I get pregnant while I’m in school, how much school do I get to miss?

If girls see a guynecologist, shouldn’t guys see a girlnecologist?

Can you still get an STD from someone if you truly love them?

Which person blows in a blow job, the girl or the boy?

Why do the police arrest prostates?  They’re just girls who have sex for money.

Why do we have to learn about reproduction when these boys are so immature?

Since girls can have multiple orgasms, would it help if I used a multiplication table?

Can I stop my menstral flow with a tourniquet?

If my boyfriend asks me to lick his penis, would it taste better with mayonnaise?

Is a dildo better than a boyfriend?

Is it possible to enlarge my clitoris?

Can I insert a butt plug in Goro to make him stop dropping fart bombs in class?

If you chop off a boy’s penis, will he be a girl?

Who is Ben Wa?  And what’s so special about his balls?

If you want to French kiss, do you have to know French?

I’m really confused.  When I reached puberty, I asked my older sister what was the best way to dispose of a douche bag, and she said ‘Just tell him you don’t love him anymore.’

If you kick a boy in his balls really hard, will he die?  Is there a ball hospital in Buffalo?

Thankfully, our sex-ed lesson was almost done.

“Okay, class, let’s finish up our lesson.   So when Derrek is sexually stimulated, it causes large amounts of blood to flow into his penis and what does that give him?

“The hots hots for Sally?” suggested BillieJo Rippatoe.

“And what else?”

“An erection … cuz we can all see it.”

I put my hands over my crotch, wondering when this period would ever end.

“Ok, and what will happen if Derrek puts his penis inside Sally’s vagina and rubs it back and forth?”

Goro answered, “Sally will yell ‘faster! faster! don’t stop’!”

Suzie Shrank offered, “Sally gets pregnant and Derrek gets an STD.”

“And what would prevent both of those from happening?”

Randy answered, “Tell Sally to quit spreading her legs.”

The coach replied, “And what could Derrek do?”

“Use a condom?” offered Cathy Gallops.

“Very good, Cathy … But if he doesn’t, he’ll deposit about 250 million sperm … and how many of them can feritize Sally’s egg?”

“Just one?”

“Exactly … Okay, that’s going to do it for today, people.  Your homework assignment today, and every day this school year … is to NOT have sex.  Whatever you do, go to your room and do it alone … Thank you Derrek and Sally.  You’re all dismissed.”

Gratefully, I stepped over to my desk to grab my backpack, but Sally hadn’t forgotten.