A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 72
Freaky Friday (18) – My Life at Four … Again

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At 4am, my eyes opened.  I rolled over on the bed and patted Sam on his face.  “Sammy, wake up.”

“Hmmmph.” he moaned.

I patted his face again.  “Sammy, you wet the bed yesterday.  Your dad’s gonna be really mad if you do it again in his house.  Come on, you have to go potty.”

I pulled with all my little girl might on the arm of the nude eleven-year-old.  He very begrudgingly sat up as I pulled him closer to the edge of the bed so his feet could dangle near the floor.”

He repeated his moan.  “Hmmmmph.”  His eyes weren’t even open.

I grabbed his left arm and managed to coax him onto his feet.  Then I led him down the hallway and into the upstairs bathroom.  I pushed his butt along to the front of the toilet, but his arms just hung down and his eyes were still unopened.

So I reached in front and grabbed his penis, while gently pulling it forward and back to get it started.  “Come on, Sammy.  You have to tinkle … The flight attendant, Vickey Hickey said it’s okay to do it with your mommy.”

Then I spanked his naked butt hard enough for him to notice.  Now finally, the boy started tinkling and I played with his ‘fire hose’ while he did so, directing it around the bowl.  I thought that was fun.  It reminded me of when I used to do it.

When he finished, I shook his penis up and down about ten times.  Some boys are ‘tappers’.  When I was a boy, I was always a shaker.

Then I took his arm and tried to move him away so I could put down the toilet seat.  “I have to tinkle too, Sammy.  Ladies have to sit down when they tinkle.  I don’t like that, but that’s why it sucks to be a little girl.”

I explained to him, “Now I have to wipe my twinkie with toilet paper cuz I have nothing to shake.  Sammy, you still haven’t opened your eyes.  Let’s flush and go back to bed.”

On the return trip down the hall, we passed Daniel’s room, so I opened his door and yelled, “Hey Daniel, do you have to tinkle?”

After a few seconds, the boy mumbled back, “Go away.”

Three hours later, we woke up for real.  Paul had given me one of his adult shirts that I could temporarily wear over my body like a tent till we got to the Goodwill store.

Sam tapped me to get my attention.  “Listen, Derrek, I’m going to go take a shower so I want you to just stay away from me till I dry off, okay.”

I huffed in my squeaky voice, “Sammy, just because I’m four, it doesn’t mean I’m a stupid little kid.  I know the value of Pi to eleven digits” … and then I recited them, “3.1415926535 … So I know the drill, Sammy … stay the fuck away from water.”

Sam shook his head.  “Derrek, that is not a very lady-like way to speak for a four year old.”

I retorted in my squeak, “Well, what do expect from a little cunt? … Shirley Temple?”

“Fine, I’m going to shower.”

“Fine,” I echoed.  “But don’t slip in the shower.  You could crush your balls and that would take all the fun out of jerking off, and you couldn’t blame me for kicking them.  Sammy, does your daddy know how much you masturbate?  He should send you to a masturbatorium for treatment.”

“There’s no such thing!”  Sam yelled back at me from the bathroom.

I went out into the hallway and down a few feet to the other bedroom.  I didn’t knock.  I just opened it and yelled, “Daniel!  Get your lazy ass out of that bed!  We’ve got work to do!”

“The boy quickly sat up and yelled back, “Shut up, Derrek!  I’m eternally grateful that you rescued me last night, but nobody died and made you my boss.”

“You’re wrong, Daniel!” I contradicted.  “Yolanda died … And since she was your former boss, then that means I’m your boss now.  And the first thing I want you to do is to take off all your clothes.”

“What the hell is this?” the boy said, seeming both perplexed and offended.

I dug my heels in.  “Daniel, this is me, giving you an order.  Take off all your clothes.  And if you don’t mind me, I’ll spank you.  And I spank really hard.  If you don’t believe it, just ask Sammy.”

“Why?”

Because the other day, he was being naughty … And after only three swats, he was bawling like a little girl, and squealing ‘Please Mommy, no more … It hurts too much.  I’ll be good for you, I promise … I’ll be a good boy!’”

The boy just blew me off with a wave of his hand.

“Do I have to undress you myself, Daniel?  You must have an awfully short memory and an extreme lack of gratitude.  In case you’ve forgotten, it was I who met you at the Goodwill store a while back, and it was I who made the decision to try to rescue you yesterday … So you owe me big-time, mister.”

“Are you always this horny, Derrek?  And it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female?”

“I would describe myself as omni-sexual.  That means I can eat meat or plants.”

“If we do anything,” Daniel advised, “you have to stay away from my butt hole.  It’s been sore for two years.”

“I understand, Daniel.  I’ll also be kind to your testicles.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Sit back against the head board of your bed.  Undressing little boys is so fun.”

“Maybe for you it is.  Just because you rescued me, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re some kind of little pervert.”

“Oh hush, Daniel,” I scoffed, while climbing on his legs as he lay down.  “The best part is loosening your buckle and guiding down the zipper.  It’s such a personal invasion of your privacy … and usually, something happens.”

Daniel gasped.  “That feels so weird … getting a boner that doesn’t force itself into metal teeth.”

“Your quite welcome, Daniel.  And why are you wearing boxers and not briefs?”  I asked.

“Just habit, I guess.”

“Okay, time to pull the curtain back.  And there it is … You got a name for this willie, Daniel?”

“Nope.”

“How boring … Why don’t we go with Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.”

“Okay.”

“And why is Longfellow uncircumcised?”

“I don’t know … Ask my parent’s.”

“Daniel, would you like me to get a scissors and fix it?  Looks easy to do.”

“Hell no!!” the boy yelled.  “Leave it alone.  Don’t you go mutilate me!”

“Don’t be a baby.  Longfellow would look much more handsome … and it’s not any more painful than getting your ears pierced.”

“Are you done yet, Derrek?”

“No, I want to blow bubbles in Longfellow.”

“Huh?”

“It’s not a blow job, Daniel.  You’ve got an intrusion of some curly hairs here … and your boy smells are getting worse.  You’re older and you still need more baby powder on your crotch rash.”

“I probably turned 13 overnight, so maybe you’re an ephebophiliac.”

I was deeply offended by that remark.  “Daniel!  How dare you accuse me of being an ephebophiliac, whatever the hell that is.”

“It’s a person who likes teenagers, Derrek.”

“I see.  Well if you’re really a teenager, then I don’t want another dose of the creamy Italian dressing.  I had my fill from Putz.”

“What?!  You gave Putz a blow job when you were a boy?”

“I was dressed as a girl named Precious … and Putz is a real asshole.”

“I wouldn’t go that far, Derrek.  I just think he has too much testosterone.  Maybe Yolanda’s cunt was too big for him.”

“Well, he paid for it … I made him gag on Peepee the clown.”

“Who’s that?”

“My thingy.”

“Derrek, what are you doing to me?”

“I’m pumping air into Longfellow so that he can croak like a frog.  Sammy taught me this.”

“You guys are frickin weird.”

“Yeah, that’s what your law partner said when Putz told him that Precious had a penis.”

“Croak … croak … croak … croak … croak … croak … croak.”

“Wow, you have a very talented scrotum, Daniel.  Maybe you could join the Scottish bagpipe unit in the next St. Patrick’s Day parade.”

“Derrek, are you done playing with Longfellow yet?  I can’t believe I’m letting a four year old little girl do this to me.”

“Would you like me to draw a face on Longfellow?”

“NO!!  Just get off me, please.”

“First I want to watch you jack off.  You need another good one after two years off.”

“So I have to do it in front of you?”

“Yes, that’s the deal.  What’s wrong, are you embarrassed to play with your secret boy toy in front of a four year old girl?  You’ve never done that before, have you?”

The boy was clearly frustrated.  “No, because I never wanted to get arrested.”

“Well, do it quick, Daniel.  I want to see if you can put a blob on the ceiling.”

“Okay, but this is the last time I’m doing this for you, Derrek.”

“What’s your ‘orgasm word’, Daniel?  Like, when I ejaculate, I say a bunch of ‘no’s’ and when Sammy does it, he says a bunch of ‘yes’s’.  So what do you say when you ejaculate?”

“Same as when I fart … I say ‘excuse me’.”

I waited several minutes for him to climax.  When Daniel finally finished, all he did was exhale loudly, and there wasn’t much of a blob.

“Make sure you clean up after yourself, Daniel.  What you just did now is really messy.  You disgust me.  No wonder Yolanda wouldn’t let you do it.”

“Can you hand me the box of tissues, please?”

“Sure,” I replied, walking to the other side of the room.  “Would you like to lick my twinkie now?”

The boy looked unhappy.  “Derrek, I’ve been forced to lick Yolanda’s ‘twinkie’ more than 500 times … So I think I’ll pass, but thanks for offering.”

“Mine is more delicious than hers.”

We saw a quick blur in the hallway running past us.  I commented, “There goes the other nude boy.  He’s happy he can shower again.  We’ve been putting a little water on his wrist every day for nothing.”

Daniel sighed.  “That’s one thing I won’t miss.  Becoming an adult again will be wonderful.”

“Hey kids!” Paul yelled up from the stairway.  “We’re going out for breakfast.  Hurry up!”

“That’s so funny, Daniel.”

“What is?”

“Paul is yelling ‘hey kids’ and all three of us are actually adults.”

“I would hardly call you an adult, Derrek.”

“Stop making fun of my twinkie.”