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The coach leaned past Captain X and stated with authority, “Mr. Pantz, there’s a few questions we’d like to ask you.”
X stood back and returned to his own seat.
Coach Parker put his hands on his hips. “Since you’re all teammates,” he said, “there’s no reason we can’t conduct this inquiry right here.
“Now Mr. Pantz,” he continued, “On my cell phone is a copy of yesterday’s video from the security camera here in the cafeteria. If you look to your right, you can see the camera on the wall.”
“Now we understand that you passed out brownies to your teammates during lunch.”
“So?” Randy scoffed.
“Can you explain to us why you gave the first brownie to Derrek?”
Randy shrugged his shoulders. “Cuz I like him.”
The coach pounded his fist on the table, which made us all jump.
“Randy, the hospital lab report came back and told us that the particles in Derrek’s stomach had a flower, sugar, and butter mixture consistant with brownies, not cake.”
“So?” Randy scoffed again.
“So if Viagra is designed to take effect in less than one hour, and Derrek’s mishap occurred forty five minutes after you gave him the brownie, what does that tell you?”
Randy raised his hands and said, “I didn’t do it.”
The coach pounded his fist on the table again, and we all jumped again. The volume of his voice increased. Everyone in the cafeteria could now hear him.
“Randy, I am NOT Major Victum! You cannot prank me! If you don’t have a ‘Come to Jesus’ moment right now, then your next stop will be the Juvenile Detention Center in downtown Buffalo … And they just love little white boys like you down there. You can expect to be beaten and sodomized daily. So make your decision!”
Randy placed his head down on the table and he covered it with his arms. He began to cry openly. We waited about 30 seconds for him to say something.
His voice cracked and we could barely hear him … but he said, “I’m sorry, Derrek … I only meant to embarrass you to get a boner during your report in Health class.”
This time, I spoke up for my self. “But Randy, if you spiked the brownie with Viagra, why did you have to use five of them?”
The boy wiped his eyes. “I thought it would give you a bigger boner. I didn’t know it could make you so sick … I’m sorry.”
“We’re all sorry, Randy,” said the coach, “because now we have one less player on our football team. You’re suspended indefinitely.”
“The same goes for your attendance in school,” advised Principal Glass. “Let’s go, Randy. We need to call your parents.”
The boy was led off, not in handcuffs, but it sure felt that way. As a result, there were a lot of glum faces at our lunch table. We didn’t have the size of a roster that could easily afford to lose a player.
Our team captain gave a long look down our double table. “Alright guys,” he stated. “Let’s suck it up. With just 14 players, that means 8 of us have to go both ways on Friday, and 6 will play either offense or defense.”
“How are we replacing Randy?” asked Big-O.
The captain didn’t hesitate, pointing directly across the table at me. “Obviously with Derrek,” he answered. “You’re fast, Derrek. You can line up as a wide receiver on the left side, opposite Putz on the right … in addition to playing defensive safety.”
I shook my head is disbelief but told the captain, “I’m sorry for the circumstances, but you know you’ll get 100% from me.”
“Listen, Derrek, when you run crossing routes to the right, you’ll be able to catch the ball in your left hand, the way you’re good at. You’ve got two days to study the playbook. Make sure you get on it.”
“I will, X … But I’ve got a question for you. A few minutes ago, I saw you punishing Randy. How did you know he was the one who poisoned me?”
The captain gave me a weird look. “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but my dad uses Viagra … and I know damn well that it kicks in … in under an hour. You ate Sally’s cupcake when, 8 am?”
“About that.” I replied.
“So you don’t need Sherlock Holmes for this. Bell’s gonna ring. Have fun in Health class today.”
That was my send-off from lunch. ‘Have fun in Health class.’ It had been exactly 24 hours since the excitement began. Relunctantly, I approached my teacher, who at the time, wanted to expel me from school.”
“Coach Bimbo, may I please address the class when the bell rings?”
My teacher made no comment about expelling me. He just nodded his head.
So before anyone could talk to me, I took center stage … and Duchess grabbed her stuff and ran to the back of the room, as some laughed at her.
I began speaking, intending to make a short and sweet commentary. “I want to apologize to everyone here for my behavior yesterday, and especially to Duchess. I was not in my right mind and I later learned that I had been poisoned with an overdose of the drug Viagra.”
“As most of you know, or saw … the purpose of this drug is to give males an erection. (level one giggles). However, an overdose can cause illness or even death if not treated immediately.”
“A few minutes ago, I learned that it was my football teammate, Randy Pantz, who poisoned me.”
My shocked classmates let out a collective ‘Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’ Then there was a hush … complete silence.
“So I also want to apologize to Sally and to anyone else who thought that the poison came from her cupcakes.”
Sally stood up and yelled, “You owe me bigtime, you son of a bitch, mother fucker!!”
Coach Bimbo got up and warned her, “You shut your mouth, Sally … or I’ll haul your ass out of here!”
I tried to finish. “I think the reason that rumor got started is because the principal asked me to try to name everything I had eaten during the day, and one of the items was the cupcakes. So it was a misunderstanding and I’m sorry … and I don’t want to talk about yesterday anymore.”
So the wild event of 24 hours ago suddenly became ‘not so funny’ since everyone now knew that one of our classmates had to be punished for it.
As expected, the news about Randy spread throughout the school quickly. Those who flagged me down in the hallway were disappointed that I refused to talk about it, or about anything that happened yesterday. As far as I was concerned, it was over. The case was closed.
So I got through Geography, Biolab, and study hall with no further discussion … but I still had to serve my detention with Mrs. Bullutis. At least this was the day off from football practice, although now I’ll have to learn the wide receiver positon when the game starts.
So a kid almost dies, and she’s still worried about his detention. I don’t have much fondness for this teacher. I entered her room and tried to evoke my best fake cheerfulness.
“Hello Mrs. Bullutis,” I said, smiling.
“Take your seat, Derrek,” she replied, barely looking up.
Then my English teacher got up from her desk, walked the few feet to the classroom door … and locked it. (Aw, shit … Here we go again. And the windows in her door were covered up with paper so that no one could see inside.)
There was no way that I would allow myself to be a patsy for this woman, regardless of what she wanted to do to me. While my teacher was locking the door, I reached in my back pocket and speed dialed Sammantha, so she could listen in … and the audio would be recorded.
It didn’t take long to find out why she had locked the door. And unfortunately, my first hunch proved to be correct.
My teacher returned to her desk and said, “Derrek, in my detentions, I expect a student to perform a work detail.”
“Yes, Mrs. Bullutis?”
“I would like you to lick my titties … with feeling and with passion.
“I beg your pardon, Ma’am.”
She huffed, “You heard me just fine, boy. Your detention punishment is to come over here and lick my titties. You’ll enjoy it. I was expecting you and Randy both … you know, one boy per tit. But you can do double duty … You can’t just sit at your desk and do nothing.”
“Is this part of the normal seventh grade curriculum?”
“Don’t be a smartass, Derrek. It’s part of my curriculum.”
I was starting to get pissed off. I asked, “And what would happen if I refused to lick your titties?”
My teacher raised her voice. “You have no choice, boy! You’ll get referred and suspended just like your buddy, Randy … and that suspension includes no sports.”
“Referred for what?” I asked.
“You think I’m deaf, boy? I heard every hurtful remark you and Randy made about me …
The Bullutis boobs are registered as lethal weapons,
Her FBI code name is Two-ton Tina Galento.
Her left boob hit a kid in the head and he suffered a massive concussion.
You know how many things I could fit in just one of her bra cups?
I’ll bet those boobs weigh at least 50 pounds apiece soaking wet.
She hasn’t seen her feet in twenty years.
She buys her Tee-shirts from Omar the tent-maker so she can enter the wet tee-shirt contests.
Never make direct eye-to-boob contact.
Don’t talk to her boobs.
Don’t ask her if you can touch them to make sure they’re real.
Don’t ask her if she has back problems.
Don’t ever pay her boobs a compliment cuz it’ll sound totally phony.
Don’t ever tell her that you’re more of a ‘butt’ man.”
I shook my head. “Mrs. Bullutis, I agree that those are very hurtful remarks, but I didn’t make any of them.”
“You and Randy were together, Derrek. You were egging him on and laughing at each one. That’s a lot of evidence I have on you … and the administration will always believe a teacher over a student.”
“This isn’t right,” I argued.
“Oh, big talk from a boy who likes to masturbate in front of his classmates. Don’t be so self-righteous, you little pervert. Would you like me to jack you off?”
“No!” I yelled at her.
“Then you’ve made your decision. And Mr. Torrain loaned me one of his heavy duty yardsticks, the ones that hurt pretty bad. So you can either lick my titties or I can lick your butt with this big ruler … oh, and then you’ll still get referred and suspended.”
With great dejection, I lowered my head and mumbled, “I’ll lick your titties.”