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Then Sally placed both her hands firmly on top of my shoulders and said in a raspy voice that reminded me of the girl in the ‘Exorcist’, “I want to be the mother of your children.”
“Not today,” I replied.
As gently as possible, I ducked under Sally’s outstretched arms and turned the knob on her bedroom door. And I headed back to the kitchen where her mom was finishing up the dishes.
“I’m ready to leave now, Mrs. Sukkemsilli,” I informed her.
She turned toward me. “So soon, Derrek? It sounded like you two kids were having so much fun in there.”
“Oh, we were, Ma’am … But I still have quite a bit of homework to finish up tonight. And my mom still wants to meet you and Sally.”
“Well, alright. I’ll get my keys.”
“Oh, and thank you for the meatloaf dinner. It was really good.”
“You’re quite welcome, Derrek.”
Sally did not add to her performance while her mom was watching. Reluctantly, I allowed her to hold my hand in the back seat of her mom’s car, but that was it. We drove back to the apartment and took the elevator to the fifth floor.
I led the way and gave one knock to the door as a courtesy to Sammantha. She welcomed us with her typical big smile.
“Please come in … Nice to meet both of you. I’m Sammantha Adams, Derrek’s mom.”
The other mom nodded. “Hello, I’m Mary Sukkemsilli, and this is my daughter, Sally.”
Sally tapped my shoulder, “Come on, Derrek. Show me your room.”
Sammantha turned and warned us, “Go ahead, but keep your door open.”
“Yes, Mom,” I replied.
“I have to say, Sammantha, your son is extremely polite and offered to clear the dishes after dinner.”
“That’s good to hear. I try to train him as best as I can, Mary.”
“And those kids were having such a great time dancing to the music of somebody’s grandmother. Have you ever heard of this Cyndi Lauper?”
“Yes, yes … Her music is quite good for her day.”
As the mothers chatted in the living room, I was getting very nervous about what possible advances Sally might try. I was slowly backpedaling from each of her steps. Sally looked around and began peppering me with questions.
“Why are your walls bare, Derrek?”
“I’m not much one for decorating.”
“Why is there a crib in your room?”
“It’s from when I was little. We keep it in case my mom wants another kid.”
“And who is this little creature, Derrek?” (Sally had picked up my best friend.)
“Um, oh, that’s bunny rabbit. He’s been around here pretty much forever. I couldn’t part with him.”
With her sly smile, she approached me and used the rabbit to back me up against a wall. The quickness of her movements caught me off guard … pushing bunny rabbit into my hands and then, faster than I could blink, she put her right hand inside of my belt buckle and down under my tighty whities.
My eyes nearly popped out when she grabbed my balls and squeezed. Then she closed in and ran her tongue around my lips before planting a solid, but unwanted kiss for several seconds … while I held onto bunny rabbit.
This time, her raspy voice was a little quieter, but still carried basically the same message as before. “I want to be the mother of your children, Derrek. Don’t disappoint me.”
I didn’t reply. I tossed bunny rabbit onto my bed and exited the room. Sally followed me into the living room.
“Oh, good,” said Sammantha. “You’re both back. I think it’s time to go over the ground rules. Mary, I have no qualms with how any other parent raises their kids, but I happen to be a strict parent and I expect my son to explicitly follow all my rules.”
“First off, I’m sorry if I disappoint you and Sally, but today is the last day I will allow Derrek and Sally to be together outside of school. I was raised with three brothers and a wayward father and I’m afraid to say it, but a male’s brain is in his penis.”
“But Derrek’s not like that,” Sally protested.
“Maybe so, Sally, but I’m not risking it. Until Derrek turns 16, he is not permitted to engage in any activities with females outside of school … That means no dating, no movies, no malls, no boy/girl parties, no studying together at somebody’s house, and no walking home from school together.
Sally’s mother tilted her head. “Sammantha, aren’t you going a bit overboard?”
Sammantha doubled down on her position. “Yes, Mary. I want to maintain my reputation as the meanest mother in the world. So I want to especially demand that there be no PDA’s in school.”
Mary looked puzzled. “PDA’s?”
“Public displays of affection. I can always check with his teachers to make sure that he’s not into kissing, hand-holding, or any romantic touching on school grounds.”
I pretended to be upset. “Mom! Come on! You’re acting like the secret police! This is crazy!”
Sally appeared equally stressed by the harsh rules. “Can’t we even study together in the school library?”
“I’ll give you the short answer, Sally … NO. As far as I’m concerned, any co-mingling of genders is a precursor to sexual intercourse and I won’t allow it. I won’t allow any of it until Derrek is at least sixteen. Derrek, do we understand each other?”
I lowered my head (pretending I was disappointed). “Yes, Mom.”
Sally was genuinely ticked off by the restrictions. “Ms. Adams, this is so unfair. Derrek and I like each other. We’re not going to have sex or do anything stupid. We just want to hang out together sometimes.”
Sammantha shook her head. “I’m sorry, Sally, but these are my rules and I expect Derrek and all his friends to obey them. This would be a good time now for you and Derrek to say goodbye to each other.
I stomped my foot and hollered, “Why do you have to be this way, Mom? You’re smothering me! I feel like I’m in jail!”
Sammantha approached me and pointed her index finger. “You keep up that attitude, young man, and I’ll remind you that you’re not too old to be spanked.”
Mary took hold of Sally’s wrist and headed to the door. “Okay, okay,” she said. “We don’t want to be a part of your family squabble. It was nice meeting you, Derrek.”
“Bye Mrs. Sukkemsilli,” I called out … and followed it up with “Bye Sally.”
Sammantha and I waited a full two minutes before saying anything, to make sure our two guests were gone and down the hall. I reached up and we gave each other a high five.
Finally, I could break out a smile. “Mom, you were amazing. You are so good at role playing, I couldn’t have asked for a better performance.”
“Sweety, do you think it will be enough to get Sally off your case?”
“Maybe … But I really won’t know for awhile. Sally is certifiably bat-shit crazy. She grabbed my balls twice tonight and demanded my seed. She wants to be my baby-mama.”
Sammantha shook her head. “Wow, that is a problem. I had no idea it was that bad. You’re going to need to keep your guard up for that girl.”
It was Wednesday, the third day of my adventure posing as a twelve-year-old in middle school. And I was hoping that each day would be better than the one before it.
I could tell that Math and Spanish were going to be fairly easy for me. (if I managed to stay off Senorita Gato’s detention list.) English, Health, and Geography were pretty basic. I didn’t mind reading, and our first assignment, To Kill a Mockingbird, held my interest.
Sammantha’s hated wrestling coach, Norton Bimbo, could really have been a pain in my butt, but I managed to convince him that I was on his side and not my mom’s. Role playing really comes in handy sometimes. (I don’t call it lying.)
Geography with Scary Harry promised never a dull moment. Boy, was I mistaken when I thought that by his age and looks, he would be a boring old fuddy-duddy.
Biology was a genuine challenge for me. I didn’t remember any of my past schooling, but at least I had a good friend and partner to share it with in Hoshiko.
I walked into homeroom and waved at Hoshiko as I took my seat. Madeline turned in our direction and asked, “So what excites you guys about middle school?”
I really wanted to say, “You do, Madeline,” because not only are you a heavenly girl, but you’re so un-stuck up. You talk to the ordinary peons like me and Hoshiko as if this was normal for you. And you’re probably the first person on the planet to ask the question, “What excites you about middle school?” Usually, middle school is a ‘horror show’, not something to be excited about.
But I had to answer her question (and put a smile behind it too) so I said, “Definitely football … I got to be an animal yesterday. It was fun.”
“What kind of animal?”
“Well, Captain X said we are lions, so I’ll go with that for now.”
“What about you, Hoshiko?” asked Madeline.
“I would say that when the two teachers acted out their anger in Geography class … That was exciting to me because I had never seen instructors act this way in Japan. Each day, I learn something new about American culture.”
“It’s your turn now, Madeline,” I said, pointing at her. “What excites you?”
She swished her hair and replied, “Actually a lot of stuff does, but especially making new friends on the cheerleading squad and in homeroom with you and Hoshiko.”
I was stunned that Madeline now considered Hoshiko and me among her friends. But before I could extend the conversation, Sally approached me with a small tray.
“Hi, Derrek,” she cooed. “This is some dessert from last night’s dinner. You’ve seen this before. It looks like a cake but is actually made up of sixteen individual cupcakes. They’re all for you, too.”
I tried to be diplomatic. “Well, thank you, Sally. They look really good. I’m going to take the one in the corner now … and you don’t mind if I share them with the other kids in homeroom, do you?”
“But they’re for you, Derrek. Just take the extra’s home.”
“All that sugar’g going to give me a heart attack, Sally. I don’t mind sharing. Do you guys want a cupcake?” I asked Madeline and Hoshiko.
The responses I got were “No thanks” and “I’ll pass, thanks.” (They knew better than to have anything to do with Sally.)
“I’ll just go around the room, Sally … and Wow! They taste great. Thank you again. And your mom’s meatloaf was terrific too. Thanks for the invite.”
Sally started following me around the room as I pass out her treats. With football teammates in the room, the cupcakes went fast.
The girl tapped my shoulder. “So when are we getting together again?” she posed a very uncomfortable question.
I hesitated to answer, but knew I had to. “Sally, you heard my mom’s lecture. She doesn’t want us together.”
The girl was getting annoyed. “Derrek, you know that’s just bullshit. If you come over when my mom is home, she should let you do it. So how about this Saturday?”
I turned to her and stated, “Look, Sally … I’m sorry that I have the meanest mother in the world, but there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Well, I think you can, Derrek. You have Thursday and Friday to change your mind. You can’t deny that you and I really have fun together. Figure out a way, Derrek. No matter what your mother says, I’m still your girlfriend … and you need to put out.”