A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 97
CHAPTER 197 .......... Academic Inanity – Round Two

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CHAPTER  197

“Hi folks.  This is Macarthur Bull welcoming everyone back to round two of Academic Inanity.  But first, let’s get to hear some background information about our two competing schools.  First, from Gacey, we have academic advisor Earl Oder.”

“Yes, thank you.  John Wayne Gacey Middle School offers a high school preparatory program that emphasizes winning over fair play.  Our students are taught to dominate others using creative techniques designed to evade the notice of referees and other officials.  Our kids not only learn how to cheat on standardized tests, but also, how not to get caught.  Our students are also encouraged to rat out and beat up any members of the LGBTQ community.  At our school, tolerance will not be tolerated.”

“Okay, thank you, Mr. Oder.  Now let’s hear from the academic advisor from your opponent, Mr. Major Victum.”

“Thank you, Macarthur.  Jerry Sandusky Middle School also uses an outstanding high school preparatory program … that offers advanced studies in sexual education and relations between opposite genders.  Our students get to examine penises of the animal kingdom … and are encouraged to cross-dress on what we call Empathy Day … where sodomy between students is tolerated either straight forward … or aided with the use of strap-on dildos.”

Major continued, “Even with a program such as ours, very few students have actually been sexually molested by teachers.  Oh, and I might like to remind Mr. Oder that the Sandusky football team defeated Gacey 32 – 14 despite their futile attemps to cheat.”

Mr. Oder didn’t take kindly to that remark and he walked over to where his counterpart was sitting and pushed his left shoulder once … Then he pushed Major with two hands till our advisor fell completely backwards onto the floor.”

“You watch your mouth, Major,” he warned.

Shilo grabbed the man’s wrist in an iron grip from which he could not escape. She then twirled him around and hurled him to the floor across the studio till he slid and landed right in front of us.

The show host ran over to the audience and tried to admonish the adults.  “Let’s try to be good roll models for the students, shall we?” he advised.

Shilo helped Major get up off the floor, while Mr. Oder grumbled inaudible swear words on his way back to his seat.

“Okay, folks.  Recapping the scores, we have John Wayne Gacey Middle School with 180 points and Jerry Sandusky Middle School with zero points.  Now in round two, there’s going to be a little twist.  In this round, both captain’s buzzers will be turned off … and only their teammates will be allowed to answer.

“But Mr. Bull,” said Liberty Fabian, “is that a normal part of the show?”

“It is now, Liberty.  This will be called the ‘class participation’ round.  Okay, ladies, hands on your buzzers.  Let’s play Academic Inanity.”

“Here’s our first question … Why do women have boobs?”

BUZZ

“Gacey, Autumn.”

“So guys have something to look at when they talk to girls.”

“No, I’m sorry.”

BUZZ

“Sandusky, Madeline.”

“To feed their babies milk after they give birth.”

“That’s right!  Feeding babies is the correct answer.  And that finally puts Sandusky on the board with ten points.”

“Okay, next question …  It starts with the letter ‘P’ and ends in ‘o-r-n’, and is a major player in the film industry.  What is it?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy. … Porn? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … Popcorn? … Yes!  Popcorn is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  I’m the highlight of many dates.  I’m especially responsive if you put your fingers deep inside me.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Autumn … A pussy? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Madeline … A bowling ball? … Yes!  Bowling ball is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  I’m white, sticky, and better to spit than swallow.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy … Isn’t it those thingys that swim around and jump out of a boy’s penis … sperms?  That’s it … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … Is it toothpaste? … Yes!  Toothpaste is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  What does a dog do that a man steps into?

BUZZ … “Gacey, Autumn … The dog makes dogshit? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Madeline … He pants?  And then the man steps into pants? … Yes!  Pants is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  I’m soft and moist on the inside, but firm and hairy on the outside.  I begin with the letter ‘c’, end with the letter ‘t’ and have a ‘u’ and an ‘n’ in between.  What am I?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy … A cunt? …  No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … A coconut? … Yes!  Coconut is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  What does a penis behave like that resembles something you would find in the kitchen?

BUZZ … “Gacey, Autumn … A hot dog? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Madeline … A sponge? … Yes!  Sponge is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  What percent of penises worldwide are circumsized … 30, 40, or 50?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy … 50? …  No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … 30? … Yes!  30 is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  Name a four-letter word that ends in ‘K’ and has the same meaning as intercourse?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Autumn … Fuck? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Madeline … Talk? … Yes!  Talk is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy … An oral thermometer is measured in Fahrenheit and a rectal thermometer is measured in Celsius … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … Do they taste different? … Yes!  That’s correct.  The difference is in the taste.”

“Okay, next question …  What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Autumn … A nosey Nancy? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Madeline … A widow? … Yes!  Widow is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  What goes up but never comes down?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy … A horny seventh grade boy? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … A person’s age? … Yes!  Age is correct.  It goes up but it never comes down.”

“AAAAAAAhhhhhhh  ha ha ha ha ha.” (Madeline and I looked at each other and couldn’t hold back an outburst of laughter.)

Hoshiko donned a puzzled expression.  “What’s with you guys?” she asked.

“Okay, next question …  What phase is the moon in when you can only see half of it?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Autumn … Half moon? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Madeline … Is it full moon? … Yes!  Full moon is correct.  The other half is in darkness.”

“Okay, next question …  How many nerve endings does a clitoris have … 4,000   6,000   or 8,000?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy … 6,000? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … 8,000? … Yes!  8,000 is correct.  Although I’m not sure who counted.”

“Okay, next question …  What are two things that you can never have for breakfast?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Autumn … Artichokes and broccoli … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Madeline … Lunch and dinner? … Yes!  Lunch and dinner is correct.”

“Okay, next question …  What is the shape of a clitoris … a button, a wishbone, or an eraser?

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy … A button? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … A wishbone? … Yes!  Wishbone is correct.  It’s internal, so you don’t see it all.”

“Okay, next question …  In a hole, you would put a post.  In an oven, you would put a roast.  What would you put in a toaster?

BUZZ … “Gacey, Autumn … Toast? … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Madeline … Bread? … Yes!  Bread is correct.”

“Okay, kids, we’ve come to the last question in round two.  Sandusky Middle School has made a run and is now trailing Gacey in a very tight contest by a score of 180 points to 170.  So listen carefully … A cowboy rides into town on Friday.  He stays for 24hours, and leaves on Friday.  How is this possible?”

BUZZ … “Gacey, Windy … Oh!  I know this one!  The town was located on the international dateline! … No, I’m sorry. … BUZZ … Sandusky, Hoshiko … Did the cowboy name his horse Friday? … Yes!  That’s correct!  The cowboy’s horse was named Friday!  And we now have a tie game … 180 to 180.”

(Thunderous applause came pouring down from the Sandusky side of the audience.)

The host explained, “Okay kids, as you know, in the case of a tie, we will have a one-question playoff with all three contestants collaborating together on each side.  Captains Liberty and Derrek … You each see a white sheet and a pen in front of you.  After you talk it over with your teammates, you will write down your answer and fold it in half.  Both teams will be answering the same question, so you won’t need your buzzers.”

“Is everyone ready?  Okay, this will be a video question so take a look at the monitor next to me.”

The picture on the screen seemed pretty simple.  We saw three coins … a nickel, a dime, and a quarter … and that was it.

“Okay, kids, listen very carefully to the question because in this tie-breaker, spelling will count.  There once was a little boy named ‘Penis’.  And Penis’s mother had three children.  Now please look at the monitor.”

“The first child was named Nickel-ette.  Notice the dash and the suffix ‘ette’.  Okay?  Now the second child’s name was Dime-ette.  Notice the similar treatment.  There’s a dash followed by the suffix ‘ette’.  So the question for this tie-breaker is … What was the name of the third child?  You have 60 seconds to write down your answer.”

I immediately had an argument on my hands.  Madeline grabbed the paper and pen away from me and started scribbling on the paper.

“Maddie!” I yelled softly.  “The host said that only the captain can write the answer.”

“Bug off, Derrek,” she sassed back.  “You’ve answered every question wrong and I’m not going to let you mess us up again.”

I looked for support from my other teammate.  “Hoshiko, we should follow the rules.  The captain writes the answer.”

She took a deep breath.  “Normally, you know I’m a rule follower, Darakatoms.  But this time, I have to side with Madeline.  You keep getting everything wrong.”

I told Madeline, “Well, the captain still has to hand in the answer.”

“Fine,” she huffed.  Then she folded the sheet in half and slid it over to me.

I opened the paper and looked at her response.  In bold letters, she had neatly written the word ‘Quarter-ette’.  

I usually don’t carry around a pen in my pocket, but today, I figured we might be asked to provide some information.  I carefully slid the pen out of my pocket.

When the host, Macarthur Bull, gave us a ‘ten second’ warning call, I quickly crossed out Madeline’s answer and wrote a different one.