Chapter Description: Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home
“I bet you’ve never had a woman in your entire life. No girl on earth would ever be desperate enough to go out on a date with you.”
Then, filled with righteous indignation, the teacher walked to the third student in the row by the windows and placed his index finger on her desk. “NOT TRUE, Starline,” he blustered. “I HAVE a girlfriend.”
The girl crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t believe you … PROVE it, ‘Teach’.”
Showkat backed up his classmate. “Yeah, Mr. ‘Vic’ … Prove it!”
Determined now, the man walked back to his desk and set the pipe down. Then he took out his cell phone, a privilege unavailable to students (except Derrek).
“Class, just to let you know, my girlfriend always addresses me by my first name, Major.”
“Major Failure?” laughed Randy Pantz.
Duchess added, “Who are you calling, your mom?”
“I’ll plug my phone into the laptop so you can see a larger picture. Okay let’s dial her up and see if she answers.”
The room became quiet as the students counted up the rings … 6 … 7 … 8 … no answer.
Starline quipped, “Ha, you’re a phony baloney, teach,”
Rings 9 and 10 passed. Several students booed and waved their hand. “BOGUS!” one shouted.
Ring 11 passed … But on ring 12, the class heard a click … not a hang-up click, but an answering click.
An actual human face appeared on the laptop screen … a female. 23 pairs of jaws dropped in shock simultaneously.
Randy Pantz, sitting closest to the laptop uttered, “Holy shit. She’s totally hot.”
Some of the students in the back row got out of their seats to crowd closer to the laptop screen.
Showkat put his hand against the side of his head. “Are you freakin’ serious, Mr. Vic?! She’s a babe! This can’t be possible!”
The beautiful young woman with dark blone hair and almond shaped eyes smiled and spoke into the camera. “Hi Major! I miss you when you’re at work. What’s going on?”
“Hey, what’s her name, Mr. Vic?” yelled Goro
Now the math teacher began speaking with an air of confidence he’d never before displayed in period one.
“Hello Miss Shilo. Why did it take you 12 rings to answer?
The young woman flicked her hair. “Major, please … I was powdering my nose in the bathroom, silly.”
“Shilo, I’m calling because I wanted to indtroduce you to my first period Math class. Some of the students thought you were just a figment of my imagination.”
“Ha ha! Really? Well, Major, sometimes I think you’re a figment of MY imagination. Of course I’d like to meet them … Hi, boys and girls! Are you enjoying Math class?”
Randy answered, “No, but we’re enjoying looking at you, Shilo.”
“Major, I think the boy in front is hitting on me already. What’s your name, funny boy?”
“Oh, well you’re pretty cute, too. Hey, Major, do you have a seating chart with their photos on it.”
“Can you hold it up in front of the camera so I can take a picture of it? That way, I’ll know who everybody is.”
“Here you go.”
“Hey Shilo!” Buster LaFrance called out. “Are you really Major’s girlfriend?”
The young woman sported a sly smile. “I better be, Buster. Because if I ever caught Major being naughty with another woman, he’d be in lots and lots of trouble.”
(class) (level 1, soft laughter)
“But why do you even like him?” asked Suzie Shrank.
“What’s not to like, Suzie? He’s kind, generous, intelligent, extremely good looking … He has a great sense of humor … and beyond all that, he’s a tiger in the sack.”
Starline was nearly apoplectic. “Wait!” she called out breathlessly, waving her hands. “Are you saying that you actually have sex with him?”
On the screen, Shilo turned toward the ‘window’ side of the room and answered, “Starline, I have to confess that the lights were out and the room was dark … but I’m pretty sure that the guy who was screwing my brains out was Major.”
Starline’s mouth formed the letter ‘O’ … and so did the mouths of everyone else.
“How often do you do it?” asked the boy with the best view.
”Well, it’s hard to be precise, Randy … but Major and I engage in coitus approximately 4.73 times per week.”
The teacher commented, “Class, those are the kind of responses you’re likely to get from a woman who’s been dating a math teacher. She’s 23 years old by the way.
(Something didn’t hit me right about Shilo’s answer. No one ever describes sexual frequency to within two decimal places. That’s something you’re more likely hear coming from a character like Data in Star Trek.)
Shilo added, “And he always gives me the ‘Big-O’.”
Level 2 laughter erupted as all the students turned their heads toward the back wall and pointed to Otto Brown, the football player also known as Big-O.
“What do you mean by the ‘Big-O’?” asked Otto Brown.
“Why … orgasm, silly.”
Randy returned his line of questioning. “Shilo, what’s your favorite part of Major’s body?”
“Oohhhhh, definitely his brain, Randy. He impresses me every day.”
“No, Shilo … I meant physically.”
“Physically … Hmmmm … I’d have to say the tip of his manhood.”
The boy pressed on. “Does that mean you give him blow jobs?”
The young woman tapped a finger on her chin before responding. “Hmmm, you’re starting to get a little too personal, Randy. Would you like me to give YOU a blow job?”
The boys face magically brightened. “Ohhhhh, Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” He stretched out his arms toward the laptop screen.
(class) (level 3 laughter, loud)
“Sorry, pal,” she told him, waving her index finger back and forth. “Not gonna happen.”
“Miss Shilo,” voiced Cathy Gallops. “What do you guys like to do when you’re not doing ‘you-know-what’.”
“Now that’s a really good question, Cathy,” she replied. “I’ll bet you boys and girls didn’t know that Major has a very talented singing voice.”
(class, softly) “Really? … Really?”
“Oh, yes indeed. So I would have to say that our favorite activity is singing Kah-rah Okay.”
Cathy asked, “You mean Karaoke?”
“Well, that’s slang, Cathy. The correct pronunciation is Kah-rah Okay.”
Behind me and Madeline, I heard the strange sound of someone’s head snapping to attention. It was Hoshiko. She had a bad angle viewing the laptop screen from so far away.
But upon hearing Shilo’s most recent comment, she quickly jumped up from her desk and hustled across the room to the teacher’s desk. Then unexpectedly, Hoshiko grabbed the laptop and lifted it to her eye level. The glow on her face could have lit up the room.
“Oh my god! Oh my god! … Mr. Victum! … Your girlfriend is Japanese!”
The young woman on the screen offered a big smile and said, “Yes, I am, Hoshiko. Konichiwa, Hajimemashte.” (Hello, nice to meet you.) “Kimi wa kireinahito.” (You are a beautiful girl).
Hoshiko bowed her head at a 45 degree angle, while maintaining her grip on the laptop.
She replied to Shilo, “Arigato, soshite anata wa utsukushī joseidesu.” (Thank you, and you are a beautiful woman.)
“Hoshiko, Anata no kazoku wa doko ni sunde imasu ka? (Where does your family live?)
The girl excitedly answered, “Shilo, watashi wa Amerika no kōkan ryūgakuseidesu.” (Shilo, I am an exchange student in America.) “Demo, watashinokazoku wa Shibuya-ku no Yoyogi ni sunde imasu.” (But my family lives at Yoyogi in Shibuya Prefecture.)
At that point, the teacher chose to butt in. “Ladies, I’m going to have to insist that you speak English so that the rest of the class can understand your conversation, too.”
“Well, Major, if you insist … Hoshiko, I grew up in the Shinagawa Prefecture in South Tokyo, so we’re really not that far apart. I would imagine that you’ve gone to the big Yoyogi Park quite often.”
“Oh, yes, Shilo. My parents took me there almost every weekend. And you probably attended the Lotus Festival close to your home.
“Yes, every year, Hoshiko … Tell me, what is your father’s name?”
“My papasan is Haruki Aoki and he is most honored and respected.”
“Of course he is, Hoshiko. He is an important man in the field of cutting edge technology.”
The girl reacted with great surprise. “What?! You know my papasan?”
“We haven’t met personally, but your father is quite well known in the biometrics industry.”
Hoshiko broke out into a wide smile of joy. “Papasan will be very impressed to hear that, Shilo. Oh, and I was just wondering why you decided to dye your hair from black to dark blonde?”
“Well, that was one of Major’s first suggestions when we met in the showroom at the factory in Tokyo.”
“You worked in a factory?”
“No, Hoshiko. I was a representative in the Sales Department … And now I have a question for you. How do you like going to school in America?”
“Well, at first, I had a lot of difficulty with culture shock. Everything is so big and so informal. But now, school is much better for me because I’ve met two very good friends, Darakatoms and Madeline.”
Hoshiko pointed the laptop in our direction. Madeline waved her hand and picked up one of my little hands to wave too.
Shilo waved back in the screen and then said, “Hoshiko, how would you like to go to the board and show the other boys and girls the meaning of my name in Japanese?”
The girl answered, “Oh yes! I would love to do that.”
Major Victum gently took the laptop from Hoshiko’s hands.
Hoshiko began writing on the dry erase board, and explained, “Since there is no letter ‘L’ in the Japanese language, we substitute the letter ‘R’. So ‘elevator’ becomes ‘erevator’.”
She continued, “So we pronounce Shilo as ‘Sha-i-ro-o’ … which translates to ‘The intention to complete a life that is melodious’. You have a very pretty name, Shilo.”
“And so do you, Hoshiko … Your name means ‘Star girl’.”
“Yes, and my friend Darakatoms has a strong name that means ‘leader of the people’ … except that he isn’t here today, Shilo.”
“Of course he is, Hoshiko … He’s sitting on Madeline’s lap.”
The teacher looked into the screen. “You’re a bit confused, Shilo. That little boy is Johnny Meeks. He’s five years old and he’s just a visiting guest with us today.”
The young woman in the screen nodded. “Well Major, certainly he can use any name he likes. But I’m looking at his picture on your seating chart, and I wasn’t aware that scientists had already perfected age regression.