A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 99
An Unhealthy Class

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Overall, I was pleased by the way the first meeting with my teammates had gone.  Up till now, I had done all my role-playing activities with adults, and I was concerned that in doing it with other kids, I might come off as some kind of dork.

But my biggest concern was being recognized by Putz.  I could imagine him dragging me out of my seat and beating the crap out of me in front of all the other boys.  I don’t think they would have wanted a ‘drag queen’ on their team. 

But I made it through the narration of his date with Precious, and even got in a good dig about why he hasn’t asked Precious out on a second date.  That was a good ice-breaker.  When you’re twelve, being a smartass is like a badge of honor.

So, it was on to my fifth period class now.  The football players didn’t have to take gym, but they were still required to take Health.

I had never heard of the ‘team’ concept for classes.  Sometimes the seventh graders are separated into ‘teams’ and the same kids end up together for several classes.  Most of the students in health class were from my homeroom, so I had the familiarity of sitting near Hoshiko and Madeline.

When I walked into the classroom, my usual desk number one already had a folded note on it.  I picked it up and read it. 

(Oh shit)  It said ‘Will you be my boyfriend?’ … Love, Sally … and it had two boxes below it marked ‘yes’ and ‘no’ … with ‘yes’ already pre-checked.

I looked to my left across the room, and sure enough, Sally Sukkemsilli was sitting at the front desk in the last row, with two fingers on her lips … and then she blew me a kiss.

I didn’t respond.  This is what I get for rescuing a damsel in distress.  All I said was ‘Keep your spirits up’ when Duchess and Starline were insulting her.  I should have known better.  It’s not my job to be a school policeman and Sammantha had warned me about the girls … and how being such a fucking cute twelve-year-old boy could be a big disadvantage.  I’m not supposed to be anyone’s hero.

My main objective for the afternoon was to avoid getting anymore detentions.  Two on my first day was bad enough.  Any more than that would draw unwanted attention and would make explaining it to my ‘mom’ an awkward situation for sure.

The health teacher who walked in had the look of a sports coach.  He was a middle-aged man, balding on top, but with brown hair on the sides, and he sported a moustache and goatee beard.  He wasn’t very tall, but had a rugged muscular build.

And that’s when I realized I would have more problems in this class than just an unwanted girlfriend.  When the man wrote his name on the dry-erase board, all the blood in my face drained out at once.

‘Mr. Norton Bimbo.’

This man who was Sammantha’s arch enemy was now one of my middle school teachers.  Thank god he wasn’t the football coach.  But had I known that this evil person was going to be one of my teachers, I would have seriously reconsidered enrolling in the seventh grade.

For whatever reason, he had transferred school districts and this would present multiple problems if he finds out that my mom is Sammantha Adams.

“Is your mom Sammantha Adams?” he asked me.

(That didn’t take long.)

“Yes, sir,” I answered directly.

Okay, this is where the adult in me has to take over.  I’m not going to just quit school.  I have to stay calm and maintain and easy-going, rather than combative, manner.

The coach continued, “Well, you’re in luck, Derrek.  You won’t have to do any work in this class.”

Very puzzled, I asked, “Why is that, sir?”

“Because, no matter what you do, you’re still going to get an ‘F’ as your letter grade in Health class.”

I knew I had to be very careful in the way I reacted to his remark.  Flying off the handle wouldn’t cut it.  But I still had to stand up for myself.  Sally’s note was still sitting on top of my desk.  I took out a pen and wrote two words on the blank side that I thought the coach would recognize.

‘Gort Canker.’

The coach grabbed the paper off my desk and unfortunately, looked at both sides.  (That was dumb on my part using the same paper.)

“You and I need to talk in the hallway,” he told me.

I rose from my desk, but he wouldn’t return the note when I asked for it back.  We proceeded into the hallway as other students were taking their seats.

Looking angry, the man led me off to one side.  “What do you mean by this?” he asked gruffly.

“I think you were treated unfairly, Coach.”

“What?!” he sounded surprised.

“At your old school … everybody wanted to blame you for Gort falling down the stairs … and that wasn’t right.  True, Gort was kind of a hot-head, but you can’t be everywhere protecting everyone all the time.  It was an accident.”

“That’s true,” the man agreed.

“Coach, I’m the one person in this school who can protect your reputation and your good name.  My mom has a tendency to exaggerate about what happened to her.  I’ll ask her not to say anything.  Because the last thing we want is Principal Glass going around digging up dirt about Gort Canker.  That whole thing needs to remain buried in the past.”

The man nodded his head.  He concluded, “I’m glad you understand the situation, Derrek.  Here’s your note back … and by the way, I was only joking about the ‘F’ grade.  You’ll get the grade that you deserve.  Why don’t you go take your seat now.”

“Thanks, Coach.”

(What else could I say?  The only problem with that is that Norton Bimbo would be the one deciding what grade I deserve.)

Coach Bimbo took an authoritative stance in front of the classroom with his hands on his hips.   “Class, take your seats and cut the yacking … and Mister Pantz, the first time you pull a prank in my classroom, I will pick you up bodily and throw you out the nearest side window.  And since we’re on the second floor, it might hurt a little when you land.”

(Although there was some giggling, I was thinking about how different Math class would have been if Major Victum had said that to start the school year.)

“Today we’re going to talk about human sexual reproduction.  Here at Jerry Sandusky Middle School, sex is a very important educational topic … and I need two volunteers, one male and one female.”

I knew that the last thing I would ever do is volunteer for Norton Bimbo’s sex lesson.

“Well class,” the man said.  “Since we have no volunteers, I’m going to choose two students myself.  How about the two that occupy both end seats … Derrek Adams and Sally Sukkemsilli … Stand up front and face your classmates.”

Great, Sally had a big smile on her face.  No doubt, Bimbo read her note and decided to maximize my humiliation.

“Nobody needs to be embarrassed here,” the coach said.  “You’ll learn a lot more good information in this school’s health class than you will on the bus, or hanging out with your friends.”

The random chatter amoungst my classmates was already contradicting his assurances of ‘no embarrassment.’

“Are we gonna have to watch them have sex?

Eeeeewwwww that is so gross.

Will Derrek have to wear a condom?

What if he can’t shoot cum yet?

Did Sally shave her muff?

Will they have to waste time with foreplay?

What are they going to name the baby?

If they do it doggy style, will Sally have puppies?

What if Sally’s on the rag?

Are they going to wimp out and just masturbate?

Is Derrek hard yet?”

Will he be able to break her hymen?

How come they’re not taking their clothes off yet?

Will the rest of us be allowed to have sex too?

Maybe he’ll pair off the whole class. Do they have yoga mats?

I’m glad we go to a progressive school.

Well, I don’t want to have sex with Randy, he’s too goofy.

And I don’t want Goro, he would crush my uterus.

What if I’m gay? Can I pick a same-sex partner?

I would just be worried about getting pregnant.

You can’t get pregnant on your first time.

How do you know it’s my first time?

Don’t our parents have to give permission for us to have sex at school?

Can I just use a vibrator if I’ve got one in my purse?

Maybe Derrek and Sally will just have oral sex.

What’s oral sex?  Does that mean talking about it?”

“Children … Please shut the hell up.”  (Coach Bimbo certainly has a way with words.)  “Go ahead and giggle now…I’ll bet half of you in this class will either be pregnant, get someone pregnant, or have an STD by the end of school year.  First, we’re going to identify important organs in the reproductive process … Derrek, can you tell me what are ovaries?”

The first question was easy.  I answered, “There’s two, and they store eggs in the female’s body.”

“Good, and now, go over to Sally and point to her ovaries.”

(I wanted to borrow a ten foot pole)  I pointed from afar.

One student complained, “You’re pointing at her knees, Derrek.  You need to get a lot closer.

Fine … I stood in front of Sally and pointed two fingers at where I thought they should be.  Sally grabbed my hands and brought them close enough to touch her belly.  Classmates laughed.

“Sally, do not touch the other student,” the coach ordered.  “Sally, your turn, what are testicles?”

Sally grinned and said, “It’s where you kick a boy to make him cry.” … followed by more giggling.

“Do you want the first detention, Sally?  Would you like to try again?”

“Testicles are his balls that hang below his penis and make sperms.”

“Go ahead and point to Derrek’s testicles.”

Jeez, Sally tried to stab my balls with her index finger and I stepped back quickly to avoid her.

“Derrek, what is a vagina?”

Randy Pantz broke in, “Coach, are you talking about pussy?”

“We don’t use those kinds of words in class, Randy … Speak using only the proper scientific names.”

“Like cunt?”