A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 98
Meeting My Teammates

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Putz Goldfarb looked directly at me and said, “I’m here because this team needed a Jew who could dish it out as well as take it.”

From personal experience, I could defiantely vouch for the fact that Putz could dish it out … as he did in the back row of the theatre.  ‘Taking it’ was another story. 

Showkat pointed at Putz.  “Hey, tell Derrek the story about Precious.”

Putz shook his head.  “No way.”

“If you don’t, we will,” Showkat challenged him … and didn’t wait for an answer.  “So, Derrek, Putz met this hot girl named Precious when he and his dad went out to dinner.  She was about our age and with her mom.”

Randy Pantz took over as narrator.  “So Putz was putting all the moves on her and convinced her to have dinner with them at the same table. His hands were going up her dress, his foot was going up her dress under the table.  But he just couldn’t reach her pussy.”

Goro continued, “So they invited her and her mom to a movie, and Putz took her to the back row and started fondling her boob through her dress … and the girl wanted him!  She reaches over into his seat and unzips his fly and goes searching for the monster.”

X noted, “Putz has the biggest dick on the team but don’t stare at it in the locker room.”

Showkat took over.  “So Precious pulls it out and starts giving him a handy.  Then Putz whispers in her ear ‘Can you give me a blow job, please’?”

I asked, “Did he really say please?”  (Since I was there, I know for a fact that he never said ‘please’.)

“Oh yeah,” said Showkat.  “So she gets on her knees in her own seat and brings her head to his lap … and she’s doing it!  She’s actually giving him a world class blow job.  But the best part is that when Putz was ready to explode, she tries to back up cuz she doesn’t want to swallow it, but Putz grabbed the back of head and forced his ‘putz’ to the back of her throat … so she had to gag and swallow anyway.”

“Putz was a real ass hole,” said Big-O.  “But it wasn’t over.  The punchline came when Precious invited Putz to lick her pussy.  And when he stuck his face up close and personal, the girl dropped her panties and out popped the cock-of-the-rock.”

“The what?” I asked.

“Precious had a penis!” said Showkat.

With bulging eyes, I exclaimed, “Are you shittin’ me?!”

  “No!  And so she grabs Putz’s head and shoves it to the back and now he’s the one gagging!”

“Did Precious cum?”  I wondered out loud.

“Putz said no, probably too young.  So anyway, he goes yelling to his dad ‘Precious has a penis!’  And some other guy yells ‘Nobody gives a flyin fuck if Precious has a penis!”

“That’s quite a story,” I commented, “but I just have one question for Putz.”  (I stared down the table, looking directly into the boy’s eyes.)  “So you finally found a girl who was willing to put out … and you STILL haven’t invited her out on a second date?”

My remark totally broke up the long table into bellows of laughter.  Putz just gave me a smirk.

“I really like this kid,” X said, pointing at me.  “Tell me, Derrek, do you play football?”

I answered, “I’d like to try out for the team.”

Once again, the whole group roared with laughter.

“Did I say something funny?” I asked.

“There’s no tryouts for football,” X told me.

That gave me a chill.  “What?  Why not?”

“Because we only have 14 players.  We need bodies.  Yours would make us 15.”

“Can you breathe?” Showkat asked me.

“Yes.”

“Then you probably qualify.  Can you jack off?”

I replied, “I had to for my physical.”

Ten heads turned toward me.  Grey Wolf said, “You’re kidding us, right?”

“No,” I answered.  “The cheerleader was going to do me, but I chose to do it myself.”

(Talk about bulging eyeballs, that sure set off a few shock waves.)

Batty cried out, “Man, I wish I could have traded places with you!”

“She also gave me an enema … and put a catheter up my pee hole.”

“Oh, never mind then,” Batty reconsidered his wish.

“Woooohhhhhhhhh, hold on a sec, Derrek,” said X.  “You say a cheerleader gave you your physical?  What happened to Nurse TiteRench?”

“Well, she was there, but just supervising.  The girl did everything to me.”

“And you were stark naked the whole time?”

“Yep, I was wearing my birthday suit.”

“Holy shit,” X added.

“Which cheerleader was it?” Batty eagerly begged for an answer.

“Kitti Power.”

“Wow!” Batty reacted.  “That bitch is fucking hot!”

“But why would she want your jizz?” asked Big-O.

“Maybe she wanted to get pregnant,” answered Showkat.  “To be Derrek’s baby momma.”

“Well, it must not have been enough,” I said.  “She got more when she milked my prostate.”

“What the hell does that mean, amigo?” asked Goro.

I explained, “Kitti stuck her finger up my ass and massaged my prostate really hard … and that forces a boy to cum.”

“Dude … why would she do all those nasty things to you?” asked X.

“Well, Kitti was once my babysitter, and let’s just say it didn’t go well.  I guess she wasn’t done molesting me.”

“Holy shit,” the whole table mumbled.

“Putz commented, “Sounds like you got experimented on by Doctor Mengele.”

“But there is a happy ending,” I continued.  “The superintendent, Michael St. Michael, found out about it … and he fired TiteRench and kicked the girl out of the student nursing program.  They’ll use real doctors from now on.”

Cocoa Conley finally spoke up.  “So that old bitch doesn’t have to grab our balls anymore with her cold hands? … Thank you, Derrek.  You haven’t played a game, but you’re already a legend.”

“Getting back to football,” said X, “Derrek, what position do you want to play?”

“I’d like to try free safety.”

“Are you fast?” asked Showkat.

“Fast enough.” I answered quickly.

“Can you hit hard?” he followed up.

“Hard enough.”

“And who have you played against?” came his third question.

“My mom.”

Once again, the entire group roared with laughter.

This time I stood up and pointed my index finger around the table.  “Hey, you watch who you laugh at ... My mom was on the boys wrestling team in high school … She won most of her matches by beating up boys … Has a fifth degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do … And her nickname is ‘Ballcrusher Adams’ … To be honest, it’s not just a nickname.  So if anybody at this table has a dad that thinks he can beat up a girl … bring it on.”

The team captain, X, nodded his head.  “I believe you, Derrek.  I think that playing football against your mom would be good training for all of us.  Welcome to the Nads … POWER CLAP, guys!  One, Two, Three!”

((( CLAP !!!)))  The entire team clapped once.

“Thanks team,” I replied. “And Go Nads! … Great slogan.   I also see where Randy and Goro came up with the power clap in Mr. Victum’s class this morning.”

“In case you haven’t noticed,” said X, “Randy Pantz is our class clown extraordinaire.”

“I was on a mission today,” boasted Randy, “to set the Guinness World Record for most pranks in a 40 minute class period.  All they need now is to add it as a category.”

“How many did you do?” inquired Yat Yim (Y-Y).

Randy looked upward, thinking about it.  “There was the pacifier insult, the TV turning on three times just by me, poking from behind the window shade, greasing the focus handle, drawing a penis on the glass plate, walking on the desks, taking Victum’s chair to the girls lav, putting a tack on it when the girls brought it back, taking his mouse, taking his photos, doing the power clap, playing a high pitch tone, eating Windex, tossing a spitball down his shirt, getting a kid to do the ‘Mike Hunt’ my cunt joke, … oh, and the last two are my favorite … reciting  a titty poem about Duchess out loud to the class … and finally, putting dog poop in Victum’s pipe.”

“Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhh.” There was another collective groan across both tables.

“Dog poop in his pipe?” asked X.  “You’ve definitely reached a new low, Randy.

“So how many was that?” asked Y-Y.

“I was there,” I interrupted.  “It was 19 total … has to be a record.”

“Derrek, you’ll get an ‘A’ and learn absolutely nothing in that class,” said Grey Wolf.  “Major Victum” is a disaster.  I’m surprised they still let him teach.”

“I have a question for you, Grey Wolf,” I replied.  “Is ‘Comes-At-Night’ really your last name?”

“Oh yes,” he answered.

Showkat added, “It’s especially true when he jacks off.”

“Shut up, Showkat!” Grey Wolf snapped back.  “Here’s the deal, Derrek … I’m a full-blooded Seneca.  The Seneca were one of five tribes that made up a loose union called the Iroquois Confederacy.”

“I’ve heard of that,” I told him.

“Yeah, well these guys on the team were surprised when I told them that I lived on the Tonawanda Indian Reservation just east of Buffalo … till a couple years ago.  I told my parents ‘If Jim Thorpe can play football, then so can I’ … so we moved here.”

“Impressive,” I commented.

“Well, maybe,” said Grey Wolf, “except that Batty still calls me the ‘Bullshit Indian’.”

“But it’s true,” Batty broke in.  “Columbus got lost in the Carribean and thought he landed in India.  So he started calling the people there ‘Indians’ … and that’s bullshit.”

“Maybe so,” Grey Wolf countered, “but at least I know how to spell my own name.”

The boys at the table chuckled.

“Hey, I can spell my own name,” said Batty.

“Go ahead then,” Grey Wolf challenged him.  “Spell Batnasiddhikara Baalasubramanyam.  This morning in homeroom, Miss Premo pronounced it ‘bat shit carry balls with a yam’.”

“I’ve already filed a complaint,” said Batty.  “The long names are part of our culture cuz they tell a family story … Using ‘Batty’ just makes life simpler.”

“You wouldn’t want ‘Batman’?” I asked

“Batty was my parent’s choice from day one.”

I turned to a different teammate.  “So Goro, does your name come from a character in the ‘Mortal Kombat’ video games?”

“You got it, amigo,” he answered.  “Now all I have to do is find a way to grow an extra pair of arms.”

“So how come you didn’t sign up for Spanish Two?”

“Cuz in Spanish One, the easy ‘A’ helps my GPA.  But the eighth graders were telling me that you got the ‘hot’s’ really bad for Senorita Gato.  You know her name in English means ‘soft pussy’.  They said you were trying to cover up your boner the whole period, so she gave you a detention for it.”

(My teammates were laughing at me again.)

“That’s not true,” I argued.  “I got the detention for being late to class.”

“Oh, that’s what she wants you to believe, amigo.  You’ve got that long flowing hair.  No telling what she’ll do with an ‘amorcito’ like you.”

“What’s an amorcito?” I asked (but didn’t really want to know the answer).

“It means ‘little love’.”