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“Jesus Christ,” Dr. Gauze exclaimed. “That’s five times the normal adult dose of Viagra.”
Then he turned to confront Sammantha. “Mrs. Adams, do you know if Derrek had any access to Viagra in your home?”
Sammantha shook her head vehemently. “Absolutely not. He’s just twelve and he certainly has the common sense not to overdose on anything.”
“There’s no adult male living in your household?”
“So if the EMT’s picked him up at school … Mrs. Adams, I don’t usually do this, but if you’ve got your cellphone on you, I’d like to talk to your son’s principal.”
In a few seconds, we heard, “Dr. Glass speaking.”
“This is Dr. Gauze at Mercy Hospital. Your student, Derek Adams was poisoned with a near lethal dosage of Viagra. Do you know of … or did he mention of anything unusal that he ate today?”
“He did mention Sally Sukkemsilli’s cupcakes.”
“Well, the boy is still in critical condition, but he nearly died. This was a crime. I’d advise you to leave no stone unturned in finding the culprit.”
“I appreciate the call, Dr. Gauze. My staff will get on it right away. Thank you.”
A half hour later, the tube was removed from my throat and they allowed me to sit up further.
“Derrek,” said Dr. Gauze, “the contents of your stomach have been taken to the lab for analysis. Hopefully, we can find out what you ate that gave you the problem.”
“Thank you, Doctor.”
As I rested, four new doctors entered the operating room. I recognized them and I called out in a raspy voice that no one could hear well “No, no, no, no, no.” And I wasn’t having an orgasm this time.
The leader said, “Dr. Gauze, I’m Dr. Chuck Fullilove and I’m giving my three interns a tour of the various departments of our facility. This is Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, and Dr. Howard. May we visit for a few minutes?”
“Certainly,” answered Dr. Gauze. “We’re almost finished here.”
Dr. Howard with the buzzcut approached Dr. Gauze and said, “We heard you were going to pump a kid’s stomach and we came to help.”
“Well actually,” replied Dr. Gauze, “what you brought is a bicycle pump … which we couldn’t use on a human, but I appreciate your concern, nonetheless.”
Dr. Howard (buzzcut) then turned to look up and down at Sammantha … and greeted her with “Hiya toots … nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.”
“Did the kid O.D. on something?” asked Dr. Fine.
Dr. Gauze replied, “Viagra.”
That put a strange expression on Dr. Fine’s face and he called out loudly, “Viagra Falls! … Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch …
“Are you okay, doctor?” asked Sammantha.
“Ahh … I’m fine like in Dr. Fine.”
The other Dr. Howard (with the bowlcut) came over to my table and he didn’t look happy.
“Hey, I remember you, kid,” he growled. “You’re the boy who punched that eleven-year-old girl in her bazongas. I wanted to murdelize you … and it’s not too late.”
Sammantha thrust an authoritative shoulder into the intern’s chest. “Back off, Dr. Howard,” she growled in turn. “Obviously, you’ve mistaken my son for someone else.”
Dr. Howard (buzzcut) started acting weird. He patted the palm of his hand on top of his head and barked out, “Rufff! Rufff!” at Sammantha.
Then I observed her repeat an action that she used on the Women of the Lord in St. Thomas … the mountain lion impression.
“RRRRRoooooaaaaarrrrr!!!!!” she howled, and bared her teeth and claws (fingernails).
That was sufficient to frighten the three interns and they all yelled, “Nyaaaaaahhhhhhhh” as they did an about-face, exiting the room with Dr. Howard (buzzcut) calling out a high pitched, “Wooooooo Wooooo Wooooo Wooooo Woo Woooooooo!”
I was transferred to a recovery room and rested for the next two hours, after which, I was definitely feeling better. My blood pressure had returned to near normal, but they kept the IV in my arm to make sure I got the meds I needed.
“That was a close call, sweety,” Sammantha comforted me and stroked my head.
“Mom, I think I must have blacked out in Health class when I was giving a report to the class. And I’ll be seriously embarrassed if I did what I thought I did. So you tell me. Did I really jack off in front of everybody?”
Sammantha closed her eyes. “I’m afraid so, sweety. And I was told the ‘creamy Italian’ went right into the face of Duchess Hartless … all of it.”
That got me to crack a smile. “So it wasn’t so bad after all”
“I wouldn’t be bragging about it if I were you.”
“Actually, Mom, you were me for a while. Bet now she’ll drop me off her list as ‘cutest boy in the seventh grade’.”
“How’s my favorite patient doing?” asked Dr. Gauze, upon entering the room.
I smiled at him too. “Much better … and thank you for saving my life.”
“You know, Derrek, I would give half the credit to Nurse Farmer at your middle school. She knew exactly what to do when your blood pressure was at its worst. You and your mom ought to take her out for dinner.”
“That’s a great idea,” I replied.
“In fact, I think she may be here right now.”
“Listen, Derrek, we only allow two visitors in your room at a time, but if you’re able to walk now, the IV stand will roll with you. There’s a good number of guests for you in the waiting room. Just put the little booties on your feet.”
“Mom, can you guide me in case I get dizzy when I stand?”
The waiting room was only about fifty feet down the hall from the beds area. When I got there, shock was my first emotion. There were at least 40 people and they all clapped and cheered for me. It was a thunderous ovation.
Coach Icy Parker was the first to speak. “You don’t look dead to me, Adams. I knew you were faking it.”
As the crowd laughed, I immediately went to hug Gentel Farmer, the school nurse. So many from the school were there …. the entire football team, Principal Glass, Superintendent Michael St. Michael … and even my friends came down, Hoshiko and Madeline.
Hoshiko was the next to hug me and she said, “I’m very happy that you did not die, Darakatoms.”
“Yes, and I would have felt very guilty if I had left you with all the work to do without a lab partner.”
Madeline was right behind her and she gave me more than a squeeze. My hospital gown wasn’t tied, and she reached in the back and patted my bare bottom. If anything, it raised my blood pressure to well past normal. I was not expecting that from the ‘girl next door’. I got goose bumps.
“You need to take care of yourself, Mr. Adams,” she advised me.
“Oh, I will … and thanks for coming down. Wait, say hello to my mom.
Sammantha was already standing nearby. “I’m very glad to see that my son has such good friends in school. You came all the way here for him. And if I may guess your names, you are Madeline Dazilme and Hoshiko Aoki.”
The two girls looked at each other in surprise. Hoshiko quipped, “Darakatoms must be talking a lot about us.”
I looked to my left. “Mom, look who’s here … your dad and Daniel. How’d you guys know I was here?”
Paul stated, “Sammantha called us right away. Daniel and I both would have been crushed to lose you, but thank god I didn’t have to come down here this time to watch them pull a cucumber out of your ass.”
“Mom and I were both thinking about that, too.”
“Daniel grabbed my shoulders and said, “You’re the best, buddy.”
Then all my football teammates came forward and razzed me for several minutes. Captain X asked me, “You playing Friday?”
I assured him, “If I’m not dead, I’m playing. In fact, I plan to see you in school tomorrow morning.”
“That’s a pretty swift recovery, sweety.”
“I’ll be fine, Mom … I’m feeling good.”
But the party of hugs and smiles was suddenly interrupted by a whirlwind in the person of Sally Sukkemsilli. No one knew for sure what her motive would be this time.
She rapidly barged her way through the crowd and came to meet me face to face. She shoved me in my chest. Then it got worse.
Sally reared back and slapped the left side of my face really hard and screamed, ‘You son of a BITCH!! How DARE you tell everyone that I poisoned you with my cupcakes?!!”
She screamed again. “I didn’t poison you, FUCKER!!
Then the girl reached forward and yanked out my IV line. By now, Principal Glass and the superintendent were able to grab Sally’s arms and escort her out, to where, I did not know or care.
“You okay, sweety?”
“Yeah, Mom, I’m good. My face just stings a little.”
Then a different voice was heard. “I didn’t poison you either.”
Everyone in the room turned around to see who the voice belonged to. It was Randy Pantz.
He added, “ … with the brownies … I didn’t poison you.”
I thought, “Why would Randy say that? Up to now, no one had the slightest inkling to accuse Randy of poisoning a football teammate … and the bad part is that he’s usually lying whenever he says ‘I didn’t do it’.
William Shakespeare had the perfect quote for this situation … ‘Me thinks thou doth protest too much’.