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I would have drifted off peacefully for the remainder of first period had not Showkat made a further request.
“Hey, Johnny … What was the name of the girl who kidnapped Derrek?”
Madeline rubbed my tummy and said, “You don’t have to answer any more questions, Johnny.”
I replied, “But it’s okay, really … I don’t mind talking about it.”
“Hey Johnny,” Showkat followed up, “Was it a girl who went to our school?”
“I don’t know … I think her name was Sally.”
“WWHHHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!!!” The class broke out into a another boisterous cry.
“Sally Sukkemsilli?” the the 23 students repeated in unison.
“I guess so.”
“Oh, man!” Showkat called out. “I told that boy she was a stalker. No wonder she’s not here today. She’s in jail … So where did she take him when they got to her house?”
“I answered matter-of-factly, “Sally handcuffed Derrek to her bed.”
I held my arms apart. “Yeah, she stretched his arms out like ‘this’ so he looked like Jesus Christ.”
“JESUS CHIRST!!” shouted Goro Grande.
“How do you know all this?” asked Showkat.
“Derrek told me.”
“Okay, and then what happened?”
“Well, then she pulled down his pants and took off all his clothes, which was really embarrassing, cuz she could see his penis. Then she took off her own clothes which must have been embarrassing too, cuz Derrek could see her twinkie. And then Sally tried to make a baby.”
I tried to sound annoyed. “Do I have to explain sex to you?”
Showkat replied, “Well, since you’re only five, I think it’s better if you do. Go ahead … Explain sex.”
“Really?” I reacted with surprise. “How old are you guys anyway?”
“We’re all twelve.”
“Oh my god! You’re like giants! And your mommies never told you about sex?”
Still sitting on Madeline’s lap, I moved my hands about, as I tried to lecture the seventh graders on the birds and bees.
“Okay, well first, every girl has a baby in her tummy, but the baby’s not allowed to eat people food. If the baby wants to grow, he can only eat a boy’s sperms.”
“Interesting,” said Duchess Hartless, who was sitting to Madeline’s left. (She was sitting so close to me.) “Go on.”
“Well, then comes the really embarrassing part like I just told you. The boy and the girl have to take off all their clothes, so the other person gets to see you naked. That’s why I won’t do sex. Then the girl squeezes the boy’s balls really hard and that makes the sperms swim out. The sperms are like fish, and you have to catch them before they all swim away.”
“But how does the baby eat the sperms?” asked Sania Nutts.
“Well somebody has to put the sperms into the girl’s twinkie.”
“Her what?” asked John Jump Junior.
“A twinkie is the hole between the girl’s legs where the baby lives. So if you have a friend who’s a sperm catcher, then he can help you. Otherwise you have to do it yourself.”
“Then what?” Sania followed up.
“Well then the baby eats the sperms and grows bigger. After awhile, he gets bored and decides to crawl out and watch TV.”
“How does the baby get out?” asked Cathy Gallops.
I lifted my shirt. “See, this is my belly button. Everyone has one, so that’s like a door where the baby crawls out.”
BillieJo Rippatoe asked, “Johnny, how do you know if the baby is going to be a boy or a girl?”
“Well after the baby crawls out, the mommy always asks the baby what he wants to be. I told my mommy that I wanted to be a boy, so she didn’t do anything to me. But if the baby says he wants to be a girl, then the mommy gets a scissors and cuts off his penis … and then he’s a girl.”
“So Johnny,” asked Rosemary Reckers, “did Sally catch Derrek’s sperms?”
“Oh no … The first time, she tried to use his penis like a straw and sip them out. But that was really gross. So then she tried to squeeze his balls, but she squeezed so hard, that his penis got bigger and his hands got smaller … smaller than the handcuffs.”
“Is that how he escaped?” asked Rosemary.
“Yeah, but then he had to run home naked which was really embarrassing.”
“Johnny,” said Starline Valentine, “Can a boy make his sperms swim out if he’s by himself … all alone?”
“Oh yes. Some boys like to play with their penis and their balls … because they think it’s fun. It’s like having a toy that girls don’t have.”
“Do you play with your penis, Johnny?” Starline followed up.
I thought about it for a moment and replied, “Well … I can sing you a song about it if you’d like.”
Now, several students began egging me on. “Yeah, yeah, Johnny … Sing us a song. We’d love to hear you.”
I wiggled down from Madeline’s lap and stood before the class. I swung my little arms back and forth. Then I waved to the class. “Hi everybody!”
(class) “Hi, Johnny!”
“Well, this is really weird cuz I wanted to sing this song at the zoo today, but my mommy wouldn’t let me.”
(Duchess) “That’s okay Johnny … Sing it now.”
“Okay, does everyone know the song ‘If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands’?”
I explained, “Okay, so all you have to do is repeat the last three words … Ready?”
(It wasn’t the zoo, but it was the best audience I had for now. I belted out the song in my high pitched squeaky voice, typical of any five-year-old.)
There’s a skeeter on my peter, wack it off,
(class) “WACK IT
There’s a skeeter on my peter, wack it off,
(class) “WACK IT
There’s a dozen on my cousin,
I can here the fuckers buzzin’,
There’s a skeeter on my peter, wack it off!
(class) “WACK IT OFF!”
(class) (level 3 clapping, pretty loud.) That was a really good applause for me.
“Encore! Encore!” yelled Goro. Sing us another one, Johnny!”
However, Mr. Victum felt he had to intervene. “Johnny, I don’t mind you singing to the class, but I’d like for you to use language appropriate for school.”
I looked up at him and replied, “I’m sorry, teacher … What’s appro-pinate?”
“Appropriate words do no include foul language.”
“Can I sing ‘The Yellow Rose of Texas’? Would that be appro-pinate?”
“When it’s incest time in summer,
And there’s no cunt to be found,
Your mommy’s in the bathroom,
With her panties halfway down,
No time for masturbation,
And no time to beat your meat,
When it’s incest time in summer,
Mother-fucking can’t be beat!”
(class) (level 3 clapping, loud) “More, Johnny, more!”
Mr. Victum scolded me. “Johnny, that was more inappropriate than your first song.”
“Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But my cock is so delightful,
So if YOU want to see it grow,
Give a blow, give a blow, give a blow!
(class) (level 3 clapping, loud) “More, Johnny! You’re on a roll!”
Mr. Victum threw his hands in the air. “That’s it, Johnny, you’re done singing.”
I put up my right hand as a ‘stop’ sign. “Wait, Mr. Teacher. My last song is all about keeping clean. I promise you!”
I didn’t wait for permission, I just started singing again.
“Puff, The Magic Tampon
Lived between your knees,
And frolicked in that awfulness
Of the filthy yeast and cheese!
Then one day it happened,
Puffy sprang a leak.
But don’t complain you sleazy bitch,
He’s been in your box all week!”
As the class cheered my finale, I ran back to Madeline and jumped in her lap.
“None of those songs were appropriate for school, Johnny,” the teacher admonished me.
“Why are you so mean to Johnny?” asked Starline Valentine. “We asked him an innocent question about whether he liked to play with his penis … and some young children have trouble forming words, so the best way they can express themselves is through song.”
Now the teacher admonished Starline. “Well I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask a five-year-old if he plays with his penis.”
She responded, “In that case, do you play with yours, Mr. Victum?”
The class emitted a low roar of surpise. “Ooooooooooooohhh.”
Annoyed, the teacher puffed on his empty pipe. “That’s really none of your business, Starline.”
The girl sassed back, “C’mon, Mr. Victum! You should be honest with us. I’ll bet you’re a chronic masturbator. You’re clumsy, awkward, homely, ostrobogulous, and just an all-around total loser.”
The teacher pointed at the girl and spoke angrily. “Starline, I am NOT ostrobogulous.”
“Oh yeah? Well I bet you’ve never had a woman in your entire life. No girl on earth would ever be desperate enough to go out on a date with you.”
Then, filled with righteous indignation, the teacher walked to the third student in the row by the windows and placed his index finger on her desk. “NOT TRUE, Starline,” he blustered. “I HAVE a girlfriend.”