A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 98
CHAPTER 198 .......... Academic Inanity – Final Tie-Breaker

Chapter Description: 2 new pictures added 4/3/24 Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home

CHAPTER  198

When the host, Macarthur Bull, gave us a ‘ten second’ warning call, I quickly crossed out Madeline’s answer and wrote a different one.

“Okay, kids, time’s up.  I will now collect your answer sheets.”

When the host came to our desk, I handed him the sheet.  Madeline had no idea that I had changed our team’s final response.

“Now before I read off the final answers to our tie-breaker, I just want to commend all six student participants for their outstanding sportsmanship in addition to scholarship.  This sends a great message about the benefits of higher learning to all the students of Western New York.”

“Okay, I will now read the response, first from John Wayne Gacey Middle School.  The answer they submitted is … ‘Quarter-ette’.”

I’m sure a lot of people swallowed hard at that moment.  Certainly, Madeline must have thought that we would be heading toward a second tie-breaker question.

All eyes were on the host.  Macarthur Bull took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry, that is not correct.”

The three players on the Gacey team opened their mouths but no sound came out.  They couldn’t believe it.

Then the host unfolded our sheet and took a good long look at it.  Then he said, “The answer submitted by Jerry Sandusky Middle School is …”

Then it felt like he just held his breath.  My brain was yelling inside me, ‘C’mon say it already!!’

“The Sandusky team’s answer is ‘Penis’ … and that is correct.  As you heard at the beginning, ‘Penis’s mother had three children’.”

And then the host quickly shouted, “Sandusky Middle School is our grand prize winner of $ 3,000 !!!   Come up and get your award, kids!”

Our crowd of spectators was not large but they were thunderous in their ovation.  The three of us were all smiles as we stepped up to Mr. Bull’s rostrum, although my ‘spider-sense’ was tingling because I thought Madeline would punch my lights out once we left the studio.

Mr. Bull handed us an oversized four-foot cardboard check representing a real one to be made out to our school for the allotted prize of 3,000 bucks.  And we each got a little trophy too.  Everyone was using their phone  to snap our pictures and we could tell how proud the parents were and of course, Major too.  All three of us insisted that he stand behind us to be in the pictures.  I will have to ask Shilo about her ‘feelings’ of this moment.  I thought that would be interesting to find out.

As we were bathing in the spotlight, a blur came flashing towards us.  Liberty Fabian crashed into me and our fake check, breaking it in half.  We both landed on the hard floor. 

He was on top of me and in my face as he yelled, “This is what I should have done to you after that ‘pick-6’ in our opening game!”

This jerk of a kid had totally forgotten that he punched and deeply bruised my bicep during that game.  I was now on my back and could not push off such a large boy, but I was able to grab onto his shoulder and gather enough leverage to turn his body sideways, 90 degrees.

I knew my girls would also be totally pissed at him … and Hoshi and I must have been on the same wavelength when I called to her, “Do it, Hoshi!”

I recalled how thoroughly she had ‘wrecked’ three other girls with her marshal arts skills in the bathroom on ‘Empathy Day’.  Hoshi responded by delivering an NFL field goal right into Liberty’s testicles.  Apparently, he forgot to wear his cup for this event and he immediately began writhing in pain on the floor like a ruptured Leprechaun.  Here came his sound effects.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhh.”

As the boy clutched his family jewels, most of the adults in the audience came pouring down onto the studio floor, pushing and shoving and trying to knock down their counterparts from the opposite school.

As the cameras were still rolling, the show host, Macarthur Bull, yelled out, “Please, everyone!!  Let’s try to maintain proper decorum.  This is not the Jerry Springer show.”

I was very impressed that Shilo took it upon herself to use her great hydraulic strength to separate most of the combatants gently without hurting anyone … except perhaps Earl Oder, the advisor for Gacey.  Once again, she grabbed his wrist and flung him across the studio floor.

Mr. Bull held his microphone and concluded, “Folks at home, thanks for watching and be sure to join us again next Saturday for another exciting episode of Academic Inanity.”

The show’s theme song played and then faded out as the cameras were turned off.  The adults finally dusted themselves off and headed for the exits.  Mr. Bull took out his checkbook and wrote out a real check for $ 3,000 and handed it to Major.  Liberty Fabian was still clutching his balls and rolling on the floor in agony.  I was happy about that.

“Nice job, kids,” said Major.  “There’s no reason why this money can’t be used to throw a big party at our school.”

Shilo stretched out her arms and hugged all three of us.  “Today, I am understanding the emotion of pride,” she said.  “I am sure everyone at your school will feel the same way.  This is a happy emotion.  You were victorious in your quest.”

As everyone agreed to head to Pizza Hut (again) for a ‘victory lunch’, Sammantha snapped her fingers at us and pointed her thumb at the exit door.  We followed and all three of sat as a team together in the back seat in the same order we sat for the show.

After Sammantha started up the Porsche and we fastened our seat belts, Madeline, seated to my right, turned and delivered a walloping punch to my right shoulder.

“Owwwwwwww!!” I yelled.  “Jesus Christ, Madeline … That hurt!  Was that a punishment for my first 18 answers, or just the last one?”

“Owwwwwwww!!” I yelled.  This time it was Hoshiko who turned … and punched my left shoulder.  (I shouldn’t have sat in the middle … poor decision.)

“That was for the last one,” Hoshiko scolded me.  “Madeline would never have written down the word ‘Penis’ as our answer.  You had to change what she wrote.”

“But it was the correct answer,” I tried to explain.

Madeline huffed, “You could have at least consulted with me instead of doing it on the sneak.”

“So now you’ve turned Hoshi against me too?”

“That is not so,” Hoshi corrected.  “We both like you very much, Darakatoms … But sometimes you just act like a jerk.”

“Is there a Japanese word for ‘jerk’?” I asked her.

“I think ‘baka’ would work for you.  It means ‘fool’ or ‘idiot’.”

“Nice,” I replied.

“But a better one would be ‘pikup-iku-goku’.  It means ‘dingbat, meathead, numbskull, dimwit, jerk …”

“Okay, Hoshi… Now you’re hurting me.

“Maybe we should stick with ‘inkei’.  That means penis, your favorite word.”

I tried to change the subject.  “That certainly is a lovely shiny trophy you’ve got there.”

The mood was lighter when we got to the restaurant and there was a lot of happy chatter from the adults about the kids’ come-from-behind rally.  Sammantha asked if anyone wanted to watch the show when it aired at 3 pm.  I sure didn’t.  I really did look like an idiot on TV.

“Mom,” I reminded her.  “We still need to stop at Walmart on the way home to buy some face paint for tonight.”

“Don’t forget our agreement.  I have a real sweet tooth.”

Daniel stopped by our table and asked, “How did you guys know the answer to the last question?  I sure didn’t.”

Madeline grumbled, “Derrek is just obsessed with the word ‘penis’ cuz he acts like a dick.”

“Well,” replied Daniel, “he got 18 answers in a row wrong … so I guess he was due.”

At Walmart, we picked out ‘costumes’ that were pretty simple … just different colors of zombie face paint.  (You couldn’t go trick-or-treating without a costume.)    We finger painted each other with the colors right in the Walmart parking lot.  Sammantha had a knack for making us look more realistic … and she did a lot more than just make large circles around our eyes. 

Sammantha gave me an extra mouth and some fake stiches.  The three of us weren’t too bad considering this was going the ‘cheap’ way out for Halloween.  We dropped the two girls off and returned home.  Mom started watching our show’s re-broadcast at 3 pm.

At first, I refused to watch it with her.  I was so embarrassed of my performance.  But fifteen minutes in, I decided to join her on her bed and cuddle up next to her hard body for the second half … which was more bearable.  Maddie and Hoshi did really well. I still get the ‘warm fuzzies’, me being a little boy and cuddling with an Amazon woman like Sammantha.

When we got to the final tie-breaker, Sammantha asked me, “So no one in the whole building saw you cross off Maddie’s answer and replace it with ‘penis’?  That was pretty sneaky.”

“Mom, I knew that I would catch hell from Maddie when the show was over, but I wanted our team to win.  I couldn’t stand Liberty Fabian.  He’s such an asshole.

“Oh, you did the right thing, sweety.  It was fun to see you guys win … and Major and Shilo both, were thrilled.  You made them proud.”

“If Shilo can experience ‘pride’, that’s quite an advancement for her.”

“Yes, but the poor host,” bemoaned Sammantha.  “He was right when he said that we turned his studio into the Jerry Springer show.”

“And Shilo’s so strong.  She threw Mr. Oder across the studio floor twice.  I’m glad she’s on our side.”

“So what kind of a party would you want to have at school?”

“My choice would be KFC, Mom … if Major’s okay with it.”

At 5:30 pm, we started picking up our group again.  I rode shotgun this time so the girls would have greater difficulty punching me … but I suppose they could still strangle me from the back seat if they wanted too.  Ling Ling chased out her front door as a butterfly and sat on Hoshi’s lap.

Then we set out to our final stop, the home of Queenemma Allred’s parents.  There were a lot of questions we wanted to ask them, but not in front of Hoshi since she was still unaware of our water curse.

Five-year-old Zeb answered the front door in a Batman costume (It fit better than his old army uniform) and he was extremely hyped to see Madeline and he jumped in her arms.  Alan and Amy Allred were appreciative that we were taking out Zeb on our little trek. 

I couldn’t comment at the time, but I wondered if this was the first time in history that a one hundred and five year old man was going out trick-or-treating.

Mr. Allred commented, “I haven’t seen this many zombies since Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.”

“Call me when your done, sweety,” Sammantha advised.

We took off gleefully down the front steps, all five of us giggling, happy to be acting like children.  This was easily the most sheer joy I was experiencing since I had been regressed from an adult to a child.  Madeline and I shoved each other in jest as we laughed …. running to the next house.  We each carried paper shopping bags with handles.

The actual ages of our little group made quite a spread … 105, 30, 28, 12, 5.  About half way down the block we rang the doorbell of a house that was really decked out for Halloween.

“Trick-or-Treat!!” we all shouted with unbridled enthusiasm.

A young couple came to the door with two bowls filled with tons of candy.  What was different about this couple was that they, too, were dressed for Halloween … although ‘dressed’ may have been an exaggeration … They were mostly nude.

(CHAPTER 199 WILL BE POSTED IN A FEW WEEKS)