A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 91
CHAPTER 191 .......... Little Buddy Day – Part 3

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CHAPTER  191

I clenched my fists and screamed, “Why did you pull the FIRE ALARM you idiot??!!

He calmly replied, “Because the library is on fire.”

“How do you KNOW that??!!  I blustered.

Again, the boy calmly replied, “Because I just set a bunch of comic books on fire with my Bic lighter.”

I wanted to smack his head (and his body with it) across the hallway, but I couldn’t do it when hundreds of students began pouring out of nearby classrooms.  This was the worst of the worst.  I threw my hands into the air.  I knew I’d be blamed for not properly supervising this brat.  I felt like taking him back to the table saw, but for now, I had no choice but to join all my classmates outside.

I pincered the back of Dorcus’s neck and ignored his complaints as I dragged him out of the building.  For once, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.  I didn’t feel like bragging to everyone that my little buddy had just tried to burn down our school.

I chose to let justice take its course on its own without my help.  For now that may have been a good thing.  I didn’t know that Mrs. Cabudol had run for the exits as soon as the alarm started.  She didn’t even know that her own library was on fire.

All of us were told to go to the football field and sit on the grass while we watched the fire department take care of business.  My classmates were all surprised it was a real fire and not a drill.

I can’t imagine that the fire was very big, but the firefighters stayed for quite awhile.  We missed all of third period English.  Maybe Dr. Glass had to fill out a bunch of paperwork.

In any event, I was surprised that I wasn’t called to her office.  Mrs. Cabudol had to know it was ‘my’ buddy that started it, but maybe she didn’t hear Dorcus’s request to me about wanting to see the comics lounge.

I decided to confess … but privately … later in the day.  Kids in this school looked up to me and I didn’t want to be their laughingstock all day long.

As we waited, I asked Dorcus, “Why did you set the comic books on fire?”

“Cuz it’s fun.”

“Isn’t there a jail for five-year-olds?  Give me your Bic lighter.”

“No, it’s not yours.”

“Do you want another spanking?”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

I flipped the boy onto his stomach.

“Alright!  Alright!  It’s in my pocket.”

I transferred the lighter from his pocket to mine.  Then I yanked him off the ground as the ‘All Clear’ sounded, signaling that we could return to class … which by now was fourth period lunch.  What could possibly go wrong there?  I held his wrist tightly.

The cafeteria was a mob scene.  Every seventh grader was accompanied by his or her little buddy.  I held the boy’s right wrist with my left hand.  He managed to stretch his left hand over a seated girl’s head and grab a French fry … and pop it in his mouth.

“Oh, these are good,” he complimented.

I yanked him back in line with me.  When we arrived near the front, I picked up a tray for myself and one for Dorcus.  But the split second I took my hand off his wrist, he bolted away and ran toward the kitchen.  What mayhem did he intend now?

The boy was so short, and ran so fast, that I had trouble locating him when I entered the back kitchen.  I was deathly afraid that he would try to start another fire.  Then I looked back to see Mrs. Moore, the cafeteria manager, escort him back to the line.

“Does this boy belong to you, Derrek?” she asked me.

“Yes, Ma’am, sorry.”

“Keep him out of my kitchen, please.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Dorcus laughed at me.  “You need to be more responsible, Derrek.”

With that, I set our trays on the rack, grabbed his left wrist with both hands, and twisted his skin in opposite directions.  This was as painful as a titty twister, and at the moment, I didn’t care that his screams would draw attention to us.

“AAAAAAAAAAggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!! … You mother fucker!”

I told him, “And that’s all you’ll get for lunch if you don’t shape up and behave.”

My teammates added a third long table to our group to accommodate the ten extra little buddies, all of whom seemed to be politely eating their lunches.

Two seats had been saved for, so Dorcus and I sat.  “Thanks for the seats,” I said.

“Sup bitches?” Dorcus greeted my table.

Captain X looked across the table at me and commented, “Derrek, it looks like your little buddy there has been running amuck.”

“Yes, and he’s got me running amuck after him.”

Goro chimed in, “Hey, did you guys hear that the fire started in the library.  A fireman told me some idiot set the comic books on fire.”

“Batty yelled,” Hey, that’s the only stuff I read!  Do they know who did it?”

Since these were my teammates, I felt obligated to stand up and point my index finger up and down toward my little buddy’s head.

“Are you kidding, amigo?” said Goro.  “Didn’t you even try to punish him?”

Still standing, I said, “In first period, I tied him to the circular saw table in wood shop and tried to cut him in half.”

Putz spoke loudly from all the way down two tables, “Obviously, you failed miserably.”

Dorcus sassed back, “Derrek’s lying.  He was only trying to cut off my penis.”

Batty replied, “Well that would have been a good start.”

I added, “Then in second period, I spanked him bare-ass with Senorita Gato’s 18 inch wooden ruler in front of my entire eighth grade Spanish class … who cheered ‘Bravo Diego’.”

Dorcus countered, “Derrek is such a weakling, I barely felt it.”

Goro followed up, “But you didn’t punish him for setting the fire?”

“Not yet.”

X frowned.  “Dude, he needs to be punished.  You can’t let a five-year-old burn down our school.”

“What would you suggest?” I asked.

Showkat spoke up.  “I think it’s swirly time.”

“What’s a swirly?” asked Dorcus.

Goro patted the boy on his back.  “You’re going to love it, little amorcito.  It’s like junior water-boarding.

“You know I can’t do that,” I told Goro.

“No problemo, amigo,” he replied.  “We’re going to help you out.”

Just then, Mrs. Moore stopped by our table and tapped me on the shoulder.  “Derrek, you’ve got to do something about that boy.  He turned the pizza oven up to high and burned the last pizza, he unplugged the refrigerator which would have spoiled all the milk if I hadn’t caught it, and he put silverware in the garbage disposal and jammed it up … maybe broke it.”

I shook my head.  “I’m so sorry Mrs. Moore.  Dorcus will be receiving a well deserved punishment when we leave the cafeteria.”

When I said that, the boy tried to bolt away again, but this time I grabbed him and lifted him off the ground by his waist.  I gave him another hard smack on his butt, but we were hardly done.

Goro, Showkat, and Randy got up and signaled me to follow them.  Yes indeed, it was swirly time.  We exited the cafeteria and walked down the hallway to the nearest ‘boys’ room.  Showkat checked the stalls.

“Hey, we’re in luck.  This one still has poop in it!”

“NOOOOOOOO!!” the five-year-old screamed out when he realized the punishment he was in for.

Goro asked him, “How long can you hold your breath, little dude?  You better start now.”

Showkat and Randy held the boy’s arms while Goro lifted him upside-down by his ankles.  Simultaneously, they dunked his head into the bowl of poop (It looked more like diarrhea … It was really disgusting) and Showkat kicked the flush handle with his foot … and that made the magic happen.

I had never seen a swirly live and in person before.  It’s not something I would like to have been done to me.  The ugly water enfgulfed the kid’s entire head and some of it had to go in his nose. (Did I mention this was disgusting?)

The poor boy was then pulled upward by Goro and allowed to drip dry for a moment … while he screamed and cried bloody murder … and yelled out a whole tirade of vulgarities, which he was already an expert at.  ‘Fuck (this) and Fuck (that)’ … I didn’t care to listen.

It was unpleasant, for sure, except that this wild child really deserved it.  My teammates knew that I was allergic to water, so they used toilet paper and paper towels to dry off his head as best as possible.

“Can you put his head under the warm air blower too?” I asked.  I didn’t want any dampness to touch my skin … If it did, and I turned into a two-year-old, I was sure Dorcus would torture and kill me.

“No problemo,” replied Goro.

“AAAAAggggghhhhh!!” the boy screamed again as hot air buffeted his face and head.

I finally took back my ‘little burden’ (He was hardly a little buddy) and we returned to our lunch table.  “You’re lucky Dorcus,” I told him.  “Usually we keep a kid’s head in the poop for five minutes while he breathes air through a straw.  You’ll get that if you don’t shut the hell up.”

“Bite me, Derrek.”

Back at our table, the kid actually sat and ate his lunch without further incident.  I suppose swirlies can make you hungry.  The other little kids were talking about what fun they were having with their ‘big buddies’.  But the situation didn’t give us any chance to talk about game plays we would run against Jack the Ripper Middle School later today on the road again.

Then it was on to fourth period Health class.  Dorcus sat on my lap again as the instructor walked in my direction.

He pointed at the boy and and sniffed.  He asked, “Who’s this?  And why does he smell like poop?”

The boy answered for himself.  “Dorcus Crudup, Bimbo.”  (Did he know the teacher’s name or was he just throwing an insult?)

The teacher nodded his head.  “Oh yeah.  I remember having your older brother in my class, kid.  He was a real prick … a first class trouble maker … obviously there’s a strong family resemblence.”

The boy spat back, “Eat my poop with a rubber scoop, you dickless, shit faced, ball sucking orangutan.”