A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 60
Freaky Friday (6) – Where’s Sam?

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I met up with Sam back at the car.  “So Sam, tell me about your foray into the land of the giant penises.”

The eleven-year-old boy gave me a funny look.  “Mom, to sum it up in a word … gross.”

“How so?”

“Well, the penises I’ve seen in porn are mostly long and aesthetically presentable.”

“Have you been looking at porn, Sam?”

“No, Mom, stop it …  Next time I have to go into a men’s locker room, I’m going to close my eyes.  One guy had donkey dick, and not just long.  It was wide by his pubic hair and narrow at the tip.  It didn’t look human.”

“Did any of these guys groom their pubic hair?”

“A few of the college-age guys did and maybe some in their late twenties.  A few were even bald.  Everyone else was ‘George of the Jungle’.

“Sam, why do say these organs are so un-aesthetic?”

“So one guy had hair on his shaft.  I didn’t think that was even possible.  It looked like a pet rat.  One guy had this skinny dick with large mushroom head.  That looked weird.  One guy was carrying around a scrotum like a grapefruit.  He looked like he was pregnant with more balls.”

“See any big schlongs like Gladstone Point DuJour?”

“Yeah, there were a few, and they’re kind of intimidating.  I was more surprised by how many large men had small penises.” 

“Sam, you would probably have more fun visiting the ‘Penis Museum’ in Reykjavik, Iceland.”

The boy looked at me funny.  “There is such a thing?”

“Oh yes,” I assured him.  “They’ve got a lot of whale penises, but the most interesting display comes from the Icelandic handball team that captured the silver medal at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.  Each member of the team made a silver cast of his own boner, and they were collected together on one tray.”

I’m just happy that mine is cute and normal looking, even if it is on the small side.”

“Well, you’re just eleven.  In St. Thomas, you saw how big it will be at age fourteen.  But eleven is a good age for you.  I think you want to experience what it’s like being a boy.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.  Can we get some lunch now, Mom?  I’d really like a tall glass of milk.”

“Smartass.”

We went to Arby’s this time for the cheddar roast beef sandwiches.  I’ve always liked them with the horsey sauce.

“Sam, I met the Hooey sisters in the locker room this morning.”

“Were those the two ladies who squeezed your tits when you were Precious?”

“Yep.”

The boy smirked.  “And did they squeeze them again?”

Now I smirked.  “Well first, Gertrude jiggled them, claiming they were too muscular. Then Hattie went one better.  She used a marking pen to draw a dotted line showing where the surgeon should make his incision for my breast implants.  They’re too small.  I’m living with shame.”

“What?  Why were you topless, Mom?”

“I was just admiring my iron boobs in the mirror.”

“Mom, if you want that kind of admiration, then you should do it in the guy’s locker room.”

“I think the Hooey sisters just wanted me to look like them … with boobs hanging down to my knees.”

“More milk please.”

Back at the apartment, we dropped off our gym gear and relaxed for a few minutes.  I checked the mail.  Then I checked the frig and confirmed that we were nearly out of everything, so a trip to the grocery store was in order.

I hollered out, “Sam, do you have any requests to add to our grocery list?”

Hearing no response, I repeated his name. “Sam?”  Then I checked both bedrooms and the bathroom … still couldn’t find him.  Then I became more desperate and began checking all the closets, the kitchen cabinets, and under the beds … He was nowhere to be found.

“What the hell?”  Kids just don’t disappear.  Could he have been drenched with water and turned into a baby?  If that were true, then where was he?”

I searched every nook and cranny in the apartment a second time while repeatedly calling his name.  In a panic now, I ran down to check the elevators, and then checked both cars … nothing.  I called his cell phone number … no answer.  I yelled out his name while I circled the outer perimeter of the apartment … still no kid.

Our emergency backup is Paul Adams, Sammantha’s father.  But I can’t call him.  There’s no frickin’ way that he would believe that his 28 year old daughter is now a little boy.  Contacting him would just be confrontational.

Should I call the police … maybe call that cop we met, George?  If they blew our cover, how could I explain both the water curse and the body-switching?  It’s just too risky. Everything Sammantha and I have built up over so many weeks would be lost.  Maybe he’s just running around the neighborhood.  I’ll search by car first.

I took the Porsche and started driving in a grid pattern, first near the apartment, and then further out.  At each intersection, I would get out of the car and call out his name. My body was starting to shake.  I was scared that I may have lost Sam.  Could he have been angry and run away?

I was really stuck and worried sick.  But I couldn’t just sit and do nothing.  Maybe it’s just a prank and he’ll come back on his own.  In the meantime, I can run an errand to try to get my mind off the stress.  I’ll go to the grocery store.  But first, I’ll write a note to Sam and leave it on the door … “Call me when you get home, love Mom.”

The nearby grocery store had left me with some lingering creepy memories.  The last time I was in here, I was a baby having my diaper changed in the ladies’ restroom. That’s when Duchess and Starline sexually assaulted me.

I didn’t bring an extensive shopping list .. mostly the basics like bread, eggs, milk … lots of milk if I needed it.  I added some frozen pasta items, cereal, and a few other odds and ends just to have some things on hand.

The checkout lines were busy, so I just picked one and waited my turn. That’s when I received an unexpected tap on my shoulder, and I turned around in semi-shock.

“Oh, hi! … Mr. Adams! … I mean Paul! … I mean Dad!  You startled me.”

Sammantha’s father had an inquisitive expression.  “Mr. Adams?  That’s a pretty formal greeting, but I kind of like it.  So where’s your little man today?”

“Oh, Sam? … I mean Derrek? … Uh, he’s home playing video games on his computer.”

“Sam, it seems like the boy is wasting a lot of his time.  You should really think about enrolling him in school this fall.”

I took a deep breath and tried to regain my composure.  “I’m already giving it serious consideration, Dad.”

“So how was your trip?  You’re back a day early.”

“Oh, the trip was great … fabulous.  We got in a lot of scuba diving, we visited a shipwreck … and saw lots of colorful fish.  We had a wonderful time.”

“And how’d the boy handle it … this was his first time, wasn’t it?”

“Derrek is quick study.  After his first dive, he could scuba like a pro … Oh, and on that first dive, we met a nice local family that invited us back to their home for a cookout that evening.  It was a huge property.  The guy owned a sugar plantation.”

Paul nodded his head.  “Wow, that’s impressive.  You know, I was thinking about you guys a lot this past week.  I kept seeing crazy news stories coming out of St. Thomas Island.  One was about a ‘Blob’ that got everyone scared because the CDC thought it might cause the next viral pandemic … or maybe it came from outer space.  Did you hear about that when you were down there?”

“Dad, we not only heard about it, we were actually staying in the same hotel where the Blob was found … the Pink Dolphin.”

Paul raised his eyebrows.  “Noooooo, are you kidding me?”

“Nope, everyone had to be evacuated and we had to find another hotel.”

“Wow … Well, the CDC sure has egg on their collective faces today.  Instead of a virus or an alien, it just cracked me up to hear that it was just a bunch of college kids jacking off on the ceiling.  What a fiasco.”

“We were just glad they re-opened the airport.”

Paul continued.  “And what about that nude skydiving couple that landed on the nuns?  Did you hear about that one?”

“Oh yeah, everyone was talking about it.”

“The Youtube video has over 300 million hits now.  Everyone wants to see the Mother Superior try to yank out that poor guy’s pecker.”

“Well, I’m glad he got away, Dad.”

“What was weird, Sam, is that even though the video was a little fuzzy, I could have sworn that the woman was a dead ringer for you … but the guy was more adult sized, so it couldn’t have been Derrek.”

“Sorry, wasn’t me, Dad.  We were already flying home when that happened.”

“Yeah, they said the couple was from Albany.  Great … our state is full of idiots.  So why didn’t you call me when you got home?”

“Dad, we were both exhausted.  We just came home and fell into bed.”

“What time did you get into Buffalo?”

“Around 10:30 pm.”

“What?!  Sam, that was the time the EMP hit, the electro magnetic pulse. Did your plane have any problems?”

“Yep, the wing was struck by lightning and the plane lost all power on the approach.”

Samantha’s father went ballistic.  “Sam!!  What the hell?!!  We’re standing here talking and talking you don’t tell me you were on a plane that lost power and had to make an emergency landing?  That’s the big news in Buffalo today … along with the EMP.”

“Sorry, Dad.  The plane landed okay and we were just really tired.”

“Did your apartment lose power too?”

“Yeah, so did the airport … but it came back on this morning.”

“Well, Sam, I’m just glad the two of you came back safe and sound.  We ought to get together again for another cookout at my place … maybe this weekend?”

“Uh … sure, Dad … We can probably do that.  I’ll let you know.”

“Good … Is there a hug in you somewhere?

“Sure Dad.”  I gave Paul a good squeeze.

“Happy shopping, kid.”

“Thanks, Dad.”