A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 22
Canker Sores

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I asked quietly, “Mommy, did you kill Gort?”

“Almost … As the hazing worsened, I started thinking about some serious revenge, but I couldn’t decide what to do … What if he retaliates later?  I felt that my only recourse was to incapacitate him in some way.”

“I’m listening.”

“Everything came to a head one morning as practice ended.  We exited the wrestling room and walked toward the locker rooms.  I had to pass in front of the entrance of the boys’ locker room on my way to the girls’ locker room entrance.  When we got near the boys’ entrance, Gort snuck up behind me, grabbed the back of my neck and slammed my face into the wooden folded up bleachers.  My nose was broken and I was bleeding profusely as I fell to the floor.  Then he said, ‘We don’t need any cunts on this team.”

“But the coach would have to do something then, wouldn’t he?  … At least get you some first aid or take you to the school nurse?”

“Sweety … Every boy, and even that fuckin’ coach, Norton Bimbo, gingerly stepped over my body and walked into the locker room.”

“That’s terrible … So what did you do?”

“What did I do?  I went berserk … I ran down to the metal shop classroom and grabbed some large tin snips.  Then I ran back to the gym and boldly entered the boys’ locker room.  Then I located the boys’ shower and confronted a nude Gort Canker.”

“Wooh!  And then what happened?”

While the other boys grabbed towels to cover up, I screamed at him, “I’m going to cut your fucking cock off and shove it right down your throat!”

“Then what did Gort do?”

“He just laughed at me and said, “Think it over, pussycunt … If you slip on the water and fall, I will show you no mercy … I’ll grab those scissors from you and cut your nips off.”

“Nipples?”

“Yes … So I followed that with a really stupid dare.  I said, “Gort Canker, I challenge you to a one-on-one wrestling match in the wrestling room during noon rec … twelve o’clock sharp, and don’t be late.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, ‘Bring it on, pussycunt.  I accept your challenge … and bring your friends, ‘cause I’ll sure bring mine’.”

“But your nose was bleeding that whole time?”

“Yes, and Coach Bimbo just stared at me as I left the boys’ locker room.  I wasn’t interested in first aid.  I just stuffed some tissue in my nose and from there, I was on a mission.  I skipped the rest of my morning classes and did what was necessary to prepare for my showdown.  And I passed the word to all my teammates on the girls basketball team. These were my ‘home-girls’.”

“So you played two sports during the winter?”

“Yep, you see why I like it rough?  By 11:30 am, I was already in the wrestling room awaiting my showdown.  I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared.  Gort was 160 pounds, and like the song goes, he was meaner than a junkyard dog.  All I had going for me was the element of surprise.  If that failed, he would break me into little pieces.

My young voice abandoned the ‘mommy’ word.  “Mom, you’re making me scared.”

“Nearly everyone else arrived around 11:55 am., with Gort being accompanied by most of the male wrestlers … who made a very loud and intimidating entry.  They were grunting and barking.  He was attired in his wrestling ‘singlet’ as if readying for a real match.  I, too, had on my girl’s version of a wrestling uniform … I was counting heavily on his arrogance, that he would take me lightly as an opponent … Thank god he did.”

At high noon, just like in the western movies, we both walked to the center of the room and Gort spoke first.

“Hey there, pussycunt, welcome to your doom … Let’s just go over the—“

(the rules, Gort?  There are no rules.)

“I never let him finish his sentence.  Like the other boys, he was too proud to wear a cup … and he was facing an opponent nicknamed ‘ballcrusher.’  What an idiot.”

“Did you kick him where it counts, Mom?”

“I’ll put it this way, sweety … If it had been a field goal attempt was from the 50 yard line, the kick would have been good.  And as I’ve mentioned, when you’re fighting, whatever you do, do it quickly.  He groaned, and his hands went down to cover his privates.  Less than one second later, I clapped the palms of my hands against both his ears, bursting his eardrums.  He probably couldn’t hear much after that.”

My eyes got wide.  “This is wild, Mom … Then what happened?”

“Okay, so when Gort reaches up to his ears, what part of his hands are closest to me?”

I put my own hands to my head and answered, “His pinky fingers?”

“Right, so I reach out with both hands and grab both of his pinky fingers … Then I quickly drop to my knees, snapping both little fingers like twigs.  So with his hands hurting, I launch an all-out assault on his biceps.  This is a major target area.  If I could take them out, it would make it nearly impossible for him to attack me.”

“How can you do that?”

“Look at my hand, sweety.  First I make a fist, then I protrude the middle knuckle of my middle finger forward, while the thumb keeps it in that position.  That knuckle becomes a powerful weapon that can tear a bicep muscle after several well-targeted blows.  When you see the bicep become oddly ball-shaped, it’s useless.  Only surgery can fix it.”

“Did you get both of his biceps?”

“I ruined them both quickly. By then, it was pretty easy to push him to the floor on his stomach.  Then I dove after his left ankle.  Remember the video of Kurt Angle breaking Randy Orton’s ankle?”

“With all the ligaments I can’t remember?”

“Yeah, it took me about thirty seconds to snap both his ankles.  My bully was now defenseless.  Then I flipped him over onto his back like a turtle, and straddled his belly.  Then I gave him about twenty hard slaps to the face.  The backhand slaps left some good cuts on his face from my fingernails … and the palm slaps ended up dislocating his jaw.  Now he was practically in La-La land.”

“But Mom, the bully had all his teammates there.  Didn’t they try to rescue him when they saw you winning?”

“Sure, but my ‘home-girls’ blocked their way.  The black girls from my basketball team really intimidated those wrestler boys, especially by showing them their fingernails and threatening, ‘Take one more step and we’ll gouge your eyes out!’”

“So with Gort nearly unconscious, is that when the fight ended?”

“Ha!  Nowhere close.  I had no idea that the next few minutes were going to turn me into an urban legend.  First, I pulled down and stripped off Gort’s singlet.  I did the same to his jock strap.”

“Wait a sec … So Gort was really nude?”

“Uh huh, then I flipped him over again and spanked his buttocks about fifty times, enough till my hand really hurt.”

“And you spank really hard, ‘cause I know.  Should I feel sorry for Gort?”

“No, sweety.  Save your empathy for someone who deserves it.  Anyway, I had brought a few things with me that I had located in the school … a pickle from the cafeteria and a tube of muscle rub from the nurses’ station. So I lathered up the pickle in muscle rub cream and shoved it up his rectum as far as it would go.”

“What does that do?”

“It burns like hell.  Muscle rub contains capsaicin which comes from chili peppers.  It will definitely get your attention.  Then I flipped him again onto his back and used the tin snips to yank out all the pubic hair around his cock.

“And did you spread muscle rub there too?”

“I did … You’re paying good attention.”

“Was it over yet?”

“Not quite.  I had to smack his cock around a few times till he got a boner.  Then I jacked him off with sandpaper, which I had pilfered from the wood shop class.”

“Coarse or fine?”

“Medium, but no one had ever seen a red cock before.  The wrestler boys really wanted to help him at this point, but my home-girls threatened them again with ‘Take one step closer and the same thing’s gonna happen to you!’

“Mom, this sounds a lot more exciting than pro wrestling.”

“I was able to force Gort to ejaculate into a piece of bread I had borrowed from my lunch bag.  I placed it near his mouth and said ‘Are you hungry, Gort?  Would you like a snack?’  Then all my home-girls started yelling at him, ‘Eat your sperms!  Eat your sperms!’  He wouldn’t open his mouth, so I gave him a ‘purple nurple’.  I twisted his nipple that made him yell ‘Ow!’ so I shoved the sperm sandwich into his mouth and squirted in some water too because I didn’t want him to choke.”

“That was very thoughtful of you, Mom.”

“And that was the end of our wrestling match … and please don’t ask me if Gort wanted fries with that.

“So who won the match?”

“… whack … whack … whack.”  (Sammantha pretended to slap my face.)

 “… So the boys called 911 from Coach Bimbo’s office, he wasn’t there … And I went back to class with tissues in my nose.  The aftermath started quietly with whispers going around the school all afternoon.  No one who wasn’t there could believe what had happened … certainly not the wrestling coach who was informed by his boys.”

“Mom, wouldn’t big things happen after a fight like that?”

“Oh, and they did.  By the end of the school day, classes couldn’t function.  That’s all everyone wanted to talk about … And I’m telling you, most of the students and faculty thought it was made-up bullshit by the wrestler boys.  I was mobbed by classmates, but I kept my mouth shut because I wasn’t proud of what I had done.  I was just tired of being bullied … plus my nose really hurt.  The only thing they knew for sure was that Gort had been taken away in an ambulance.”

“But it didn’t end there?”