A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 87
Do I Have to Go to School?

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Sammantha exhaled.  “I think it’s time for you to go to school.”

I stared back at her, the blood draining from my face.  I murmured, “Do I have to?”

“Derrek, listen.  For me, getting sent back to elementary school would have been awful because I would have lost my adult career.  But for you, it’s always been your dream to play school sports because you were never allowed to when you were growing up.  I think you would love it.”

“But Mom, sixth graders don’t play any sports.”

“That’s not a problem, sweety.  We would age you up a year to twelve and enroll you in the seventh grade.  Then you could play all the sports.”

“Oh great,” I moaned sarcastically.  “Then I’d be classmates with Duchess and Starline.”

“Who are they?” Daniel asked me.

“Two girls who tried to rip off my penis when I was a baby.”

“Ouch,” Daniel uttered.  “Let’s not go there.”

I squirmed in my seat.  “Mom, the whole idea gives me the ‘willies’ … a 28 year old man going to middle school each day with twelve-year-old children.  What if I run into some bullies?”

“Sweety, I’m much more concerned about you running into girls.  Your other curse, besides the water, is that you are ridiculously cute for a boy.  I suppose we could do a buzz-cut on your hair.”

“No, Mom … I like my hair.”

“Okay … Then why don’t we make me out to be the ‘bad guy’, an overly strict mother who won’t let her son date or have a girlfriend till he’s sixteen … no movies, no malls, no parties, no studying together.  You’re going to have to learn to be a heartbreaker.”

“I’ll try.”

“Don’t just try, Derrek.  This is Buffalo, New York.  There’s no room for you to be Humbert Humbert playing with Lolita like you did with Penelope Point DuJour.”

“Who’s she?” Daniel asked.  “Man, you guys have a lot of secrets.”

I frowned, but explained anyway, “She’s an eleven-year-old blonde living in a nudist family in St. Thomas.  I was also eleven, and we played together naked.  She slathered my penis and balls with art glue and then poured a whole jar of glitter on it.”

Paul noted, “She sounds like a very creative girl.”

“Derrek, I have to agree,” added Daniel.  “You have an amazing knack for finding interesting women.”

“And then, when she got me hard, my package looked like the Statue of Liberty, and that’s how I became the proud owner of the ‘Star Spangled Penis’.”

“Sweety, you can go to school with these young ladies, but absolutely no PDA’s.”

“Huh?”

“Public displays of affection.  If any activity starts getting warm, you are to remove yourself.  Derrek, you are to keep in mind that I am your only girlfriend … and only legal one for that matter.   If you flirt with any twelve-year-olds, and they happen to have a vagina, then the paddle with the holes will be brought down from my closet shelf.”

(gulp)  “Would you really spank a girl, Mom?”

“I’m talking about your butt, smartass.”

“Yes, Ma’am … Oh, and can I please have a later bedtime now?”

“Sure … I’ll move it forward to nine o’clock.”

“Nine o’clock?!  That’s it?  Mom, I’m twelve years old now.”

“Don’t push it, kid.”

“But what do we do about my water situation?”

“I’ve given that some thought.  Schools are required to make accommodations for special needs students.”

“Mom, I’m hardly special needs.”

“Sweety, you have a rare condition called ‘Aquagenic Urticaria’.  If your skin touches water, you break out in hives and swelling.”

“Oh right, that’s the bullshit speech you gave Kitti Power, my wonderful babysitter.”

“Yes, so they would need to throw a blanket over you and call me … or you can call me on your cell and just say ‘code 9’ and your room.  I’ll rush over and get you the hell out of there.  But they must absolutely not call 911.”

“Mom, what about showering after football practice?”

“Derrek, you stay at your locker.  I’ll give you a two-liter of ginger ale and a wash cloth.  We can inform the coach in advance, but this is where you’re going to have to step up and be a leader.  You’ll need to call a team meeting to explain your ‘disease’ … and in your most forceful voice, you’ll need to demand loyalty … something like ‘I expect my teammates to have my back’.”

I nodded.  “Got it, Mom.  I’ll try to think up some other bullshit too, like ‘I didn’t ask to be born this way’.”

“Okay, but your first line of defense is to stay away from water, or people with water bottles.  Always be aware of your surroundings.”

“Sammantha,” said Daniel, “what does Derrek do if he has to pee?”

“Hold it … Or at least try to go when the boy’s lav is empty … or ask to go during class.  We know he can’t wash his hands there.”

“Could they allow him to use the men’s faculty lav?”

I chimed in, “Bad idea.  Other kids would notice and want to know why.”  Then I turned back.  “Mom, are you going to drive me to and from school?”

“Only if it’s raining, sweety.  I’d rather you get the full school experience and take the bus.  Try to be social.”

“That’s a scary thought.  Bad things happen on school busses. Didn’t the covid pandemic start on a school bus?”

“Sweety, you’re going to be a little nervous the first day, but I think you’ll do just fine.  Try to have a relaxed smile.  Be confident.”

Daniel added, “Don’t look like a deer in the headlights.”

And Paul pointed out, “Don’t be a know-it-all either.  Don’t raise your hand to every question.”

It was back to Sammantha.  “And absolutely do not be the school policeman.  If you see the bad boys doing something, look the other way.”

“What about the bad girls?”

“They’d still be bad if you weren’t there … Snitches get stitches.”

I lowered my head and murmured, “Can’t I just stay home and watch TV, please?  This is too much to remember.  I’m a disaster waiting to happen.”

“I don’t think couch-potato life suits you, dear.  Oh, and Dad, do you think you could still be my emergency back up again if I need you?”

“Sam, my gut instinct is to be against this whole school idea … But since I was ready to send you off to sixth grade, I guess I shouldn’t be a hypocrite … so yes, I’ll be available.  But you’d better act fast.  These days, they’re starting school around August 15^th, which happens to be next week.”

“I would help in a heartbeat too, Sammantha,” said Daniel, “if you ever should need me.”

“Daniel!” I piped up enthusiastically.  “Could you like maybe join me in the seventh grade and we could be teammates in all the sports?”

The man sighed.  “Derrek, do you happen to remember who helped me get my job back at the law firm?”

Quietly, I answered, “I guess I did it … when I was a girl.”

“Yeah, and I just spent the last two years as a twelve-year-old and I was pretty miserable.  So with all due respect, I think I’ll pass on your suggestion.”

“You guys are all great,” Sammantha declared.  “Sweety, we better enroll you tomorrow if we’re going to do this.”

“Sam, won’t the boy need some new school clothes?” asked Paul.

Hearing that sent shivers up my spine.  I’m twelve years old and I need my mom to help me shop for school clothes.

“And school supplies too,” she added.

“Mom?” I asked.  “Can we please buy my clothes at someplace other than the Goodwill store?”

“Of course, sweety.  Here, I’ll give you a list of stores and you just say ‘stop’ when you hear one you like … Ready?”

“Okay.”

“Ralph Lauren.”

(Daniel) “Pardon me for interrupting, Sammantha, but I think Derrek is more ‘fashion-forward’ and would like a little more variety.

(Sammantha)  “Brunello Cucinelli.”

(Daniel)  “I think Derrek would like something a little less ‘minimalistic’.”

(Sammantha) “Giorgio Armani.”

(Daniel)  “I don’t think Derrek is really into haute couture.”

(Sammantha)  “Paul Smith.”

(Daniel)  “I think Derrek would prefer his clothes straight up without a twist.”

(Sammantha)  “Canali.”

(Daniel)  “I think Derrek would prefer to stick to the basics for now.”

(Sammantha)  “Bally.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek wouldn’t like their overt branding.”

(Sammantha)  “Salvatore Ferragamo.”

(Daniel)  “I think Derrek’s a little more trend focused.”

(Sammantha)  “Tod’s.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek should be looking for more formal or sophisticated attire.”

(Sammantha)  “Ermenegildo Zegna.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek is more interested in staying with the classic styles.”

(Sammantha)  “Berluti.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek is not a fan of leather.”

(Sammantha)  “Tom Ford.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek needs more of a ‘down-to-earth’ style.”

(Sammantha)  “Dior.”

(Daniel) “Derrek would be better suited to the timeless, classic styles.”

(Sammantha)  “Thom Browne.”

(Daniel)  “Futuristic style is not suited to Derrek.”

(Sammantha)  “Louis Vuitton.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek should get something less recognizable.”

(Sammantha)  “Bottega Veneta.”

(Daniel)  “Contemporary fits are not Derrek’s thing.”

(Sammantha)  “Rick Owens.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek likes brighter colors.”

(Sammantha)  “Prada.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek would be more comfortable in traditional styles.”

(Sammantha)  “Dries Van Noten.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek needs a more classic design and more minimalism.”

(Sammantha)  “Missoni.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek likes bright colors, but not that bright.”

(Sammantha)  “Gucci.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek needs something a little more timeless.”

(Sammantha)  “Saint Laurent.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek would prefer more classic styles.”

(Sammantha)  “Dolce & Gabbana.”

(Daniel)  “I think Derrek should go for a more relaxed and casual look.”

(Sammantha)  “Dunhill.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek needs to express himself with something bolder.”

(Sammantha)  “Kiton.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek needs his clothing to be more structured.”

(Sammantha)  “Loro Piana.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek would be better off choosing each item separately.”

(Sammantha)  “Private White V.C.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek needs something with a more distinct aesthetic.”

(Sammantha)  “Rubinacci.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek would need bolder and brighter colors.”

(Sammantha) “Stoffa.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek should get something that stands out more in a crowd.”

(Sammantha)  “Thom Sweeney.”

(Daniel)  “Derrek needs a bolder and brighter design.”

(Sammantha)  “JC Penney.”

I yelled out “STOP!!!”