A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 50
Air-gasm

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We were nearing the end of our vacation and felt like vagabonds loading up all our stuff back into the rental car and seeking out a cheap motel to finish the trip.  The ‘Crabbey Oyster’ fit the bill and the night’s sleep was peaceful.  Sammantha had me put a few water drops on my wrist to keep me at age 14.  I had no monstrous wet dreams this time, but we were both curious to turn on the TV at 5 am and catch up on the local news.

“What is going on at the Pink Dolphin hotel?” the anchor asked.  “Tanya, have you been there all night?”

“Yes, Chaz, and good morning to all our viewers.  This is Tanya Tiger, and the so-called St. Thomas ‘Blob’ is garnering world wide attention this morning as Hazmat officers and CDC representatives work to try to identify the strange organism that attached itself to the ceiling of room 517.  The hotel manager let us know that he was in contact with the people who stayed in the room the night before.  The woman and her ten-year-old son are both okay and show no signs of illness.”

I chuckled at the remark.  “They still think I’m ten years old, Mom.”

“You’re going to have to be ten again when we leave the island.”

“Tanya, have authorities lifted the ‘shelter in place’ order?”

“Yes, they have, Chaz, and the airport has been reopened too.”

Sammantha noted, “That’s good.  We’ll be able to do our jump today.”

“Tanya, have these experts speculated on what this ‘blob’ might actually be?”

“Not yet, Chaz, but rumors are running rampant that with the release of the US Navy’s recent videos of UFO encounters, many people are suggesting that the so called ‘blob’ might have extra-terrestrial origins.”

“So do you think it’s possible that this might be earth’s first contact with a living thing from another planet?”

Sammantha looked at me and remarked dryly, “Sweety if you tell me that it comes from Uranus, I’ll spank you … and you’re never too old to be spanked.”

“Chaz, the only thing we know for sure at this point is that the Hazmat workers are in the process of removing the ‘blob’ … and from there, the CDC will pack it up and fly it to their headquarters in Atlanta for analysis.  And they want to do this as quickly as possible before any panic spreads.  This is Tanya Tiger reporting live from the Pink Dolphin hotel.”

“Sweety, the next time you jack off, use some tissue and clean up your mess.”

“Yes, Mom … So what’s with this air-gasm stunt, and why would you think that I wouldn’t be scared out of my wits to try it?”

“Sweety, you did great with the shark, and that wasn’t even really scary.  He was like a dog.”

“That was no dog, Mom, but thanks for the shark’s tooth souvenir.  What I’m really worried about now, aside from the fact that I’ve never gone skydiving, is that … if I don’t climax fast enough, then we’ll both hit the ground with a ‘splat’ and the St. Thomas authorities will have two more blobs to clean up.”

“You’re over-thinking it.”

“I think I’d like to give up my turn to Gladstone this time.”

“No, no.  It’s perfectly safe, sweety.  I’ve done tandem jumps a dozen times before without a hitch … and one of the reasons I wanted you to age up to fourteen is that your penis would be large enough to have vaginal sex with me like we did underwater … and … I’m counting on you to be super horny.”

“Well, I already woke up with boner.”

“Morning wood might not do the job, sweety.  You need to feel lustful and lascivious.”

“Ah … like Humbert Humbert with Lolita.  Yeah, I can do that.  But Mom, I’m still really confused about what the hell we’re doing.  You just go on and on, yada yada, like ‘hey, let’s have sex while robbing a bank today … Let’s have sex while skydiving.’  Well I’m really worried.  I mean, has anyone else even ever done this before?”

Sammantha put her arm around my shoulder to try to ease my fears.  “Two skydivers named Alex Torres and Hope Howell performed an air-gasm in 2012 so they could get on the Howard Stern radio show … and they succeeded.  The FAA did not charge them with a crime since both parties were of age and they did not ‘distract’ the pilot.  And there were no witnesses other than the video they shot.  You and I don’t want the publicity.”

“Did they jump naked?”

“Of course, but wear your tennis shoes for the landing.”

“But Mom, technically, today anyway, I’m not of age.”

“I’m carrying your ‘eighteen-year-old’ birth certificate.  My skydiving guy in Buffalo reserved us a tandem jump here in St. Thomas and they agreed to our request once I greased a few palms.”

“Okay … how much?”

“$1200 … It’s a bargin.”

“Yikes!  I still don’t see why anyone should have to pay to die.”

Sammantha punched my shoulder.  “Stop it, Derrek.  You’ll be fine.”

“Has anyone else ever done it besides Alex and Hope?”

“Not publicly … They were the pioneers, and doing this sure beats the mile-high club.”

“How high are we jumping from?”

“About 13,000 feet.”

“That’s more than two miles.”

“Yes, we’re in free fall till we get to 5,000 feet.  That takes about a minute.  We’ll be falling at 120 miles per hour, but it will seem like floating.  You won’t even feel it.”

“Is that when you pull the ripcord?”

“It’s not a ripcord anymore.  It’s a hackey sack ball by your right hip.  You just pull it out and let go.  And since you’re on top, you get to pull it.”

“Wait, so I have to do multi-tasking?  I have to fuck you and pull the cord at the same time?”

“No, you should be done cumming by the time we get to that point.  Most of your arousal is done while we’re sitting on the plane at the edge of the jump door.  You get hard, then I sit on you and ride the pony.  When you get close to cumming, tap my head twice and we’ll jump.  But then you’ve got to hold on to me super tight and keep pumping.  If you slip out of my pussy before cumming, then it won’t count.  When you succeed, tap my head twice again.  I’ll be video-ing with my cell phone attached to my wrist.”

“If … I succeed.”

“You’ll do great, sweety.  Remember, you’re a fucking horny teenager now.”

“What if I’m too scared to pull the hackey?”

“At sixty seconds, I’ll wave my hand, and if you don’t pull it, I can reach back and do it.  We won’t need the reserve chute, but that hackey is on your left hip … same thing.  Keep in mind that with the wind, we won’t be able to talk to each other during the jump.”

“How do we know where to land?”

“There’s a huge flat field north of the airport.  And with very little wind today, it should be easy.”

“Can we steer?”

“You can steer. With a canopy parachute, just reach up and grab the toggle handles. Pull the left toggle to steer left … pull the right toggle to steer right.  You’re athletic, sweety … should be a piece of cake.  Just enjoy the ride.  It should take about five minutes to float down.”

I sighed.  “Mom, why are all these bucket list items so unromantic?”

Sammantha slid over and gave me a big squeeze.  “Sweety, romance comes in so many varieties that I think it makes life interesting to sample them out.”

I was a bit surprised that the skydiving company flew out of the Cyril E. King airport.  That was the main air facility on the island.  The small, propeller driven planes had their own hangar.

Our pilot, Dusty Belcher, met us in the front parking lot at 6am while there was still very little activity.

“Welcome folks.  You haven’t had breakfast yet, have you?”

“No we haven’t,” Sammantha answered for both of us.”

“That’s great,” Dusty replied, “because we like to encourage tourists not to puke on our parachutes.  Speaking of which, did you hear about that puke they found on the ceiling of that hotel room?  Because of that, our dumbass leaders closed the airport yesterday.  You’re lucky it’s back open.”

“Mr. Belcher, are you aware of our special requests for this jump?” she asked.

“Oh yes … You want to get fucked at 120 miles per hour.  Now if I’ve got this straight,” he said, pointing first to me and then to Sammantha, “You’re the fuck-er, and you’re to fuck-ee.”  How old are you kid, about nine?”

“Well, actually I’m … Ow!”  (Sammantha kicked me in the leg.)

“The boy is 18.  I have his birth certificate right here.”

Mr. Belcher looked at the document and then looked back at me.  “You wouldn’t mind if I made a copy of this, would you?  I need to cover my ass in case you two decide to screw up and kill yourselves.  Why don’t you step inside the hangar?”

The pilot led us past several shiny Cessna aircraft to the one with our instructor / guide who was making final preparations.

“Hello folks.  My name is Remidios Dedios.  I’ve been a skydiving instructor her for over fifteen years.  I know you’ve paid a premium for a ‘special’ tandem jump, and I don’t care what you do as long as you follow the rules and stay safe.  First, put my number in your cell phone in case you need it later.”

Sammantha asked, “So you’re okay if we only wear running shoes for the jump?”

“At 6am, there should be few if any witnesses.  One of my guys will be ready with the van to pick you up after you land.  And I assure you I’ll be a gentleman when I buckle you two up.  Can I assume you’re experienced?”

“A dozen tandem jumps.”

“And the young man?”

“This is his first jump.”

“Oh Christ … And he’s going to be the one on top?”

“Is that a problem?” Sammantha queried.

Remidios raised his right hand.  “Pardon me while I make the sign of the cross.”

(If I wasn’t nervous before, I was now.)

“Remidios, I assure you, the young man is quite bright and very athletic.  I’ve already taught him the basics and I’m sure he’ll do just fine.”

“Well, your guy up in New York vouched for your abilities.  Okay, I’ll be reviewing the safety procedures with you on the way up.  The Cessna 182 here is the most popular plane for skydiving.  The large jump door is in the rear, and there’s no seats.  You sit on the floor.  Here’s your clipboards.  Just sign the waivers and we’ll be off.  We need to finish this jump as early as possible.”

Sammantha took me aside and spoke quietly.  “Sweety, you’re going to be ‘Johnny’ today.  Don’t ask questions.  Just sign the waiver.”

“Okay, I trust you, Mom.”

“Calm, even breathing, sweety.  You’ll be just fine and I’ll be right there with you.  Remember your main responsibility … you’re a walking boner.”

“And now, I’ll be a flying boner.”