A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 20
My Life as a Four Year Old

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From the quietness of the morning, I figured that I had woken up before Sammantha, but I dared not disturb her with the good news.  In about a half hour, she made her appearance with a smile.

“Good morning, sunshine.”

I started jumping up and down in the crib.  “Mommy!  Guess what!  I stayed dry!”

She walked over to my railing.  “That’s wonderful, sweety.  How did you manage that?”

I did what I told you last night.  I climbed out of my crib at night to go potty and then came back … but I need help emptying the potty.”

“Okay, very good, I’m so proud of you.  And I can’t believe how big you got overnight.  How old are you now?”

“I think I’m four.  I’m not a baby anymore.  So, Mommy, can I please not wear a diaper today?”

“Hmm … you still need to wear pull-up pants.”

“Okay, so are we really going to the zoo today?”

Sammantha got out her cell phone and started snapping pictures of me.  “Sweety, I think four years old is such a perfect age for you.  Your ‘cute-factor’ is at a maximum and it comes in such a nice small package.  I want us both to really enjoy this day.  It won’t come back unless you want it too.”

“But I thought today was supposed to be part of my punishment.”

“You got more than your share of punishment yesterday.  Dorcus will get his payback tomorrow, but for today, the weather is nice, and I really want to enjoy my little four-year-old.”

I snickered back, “And I want to enjoy my little mommy.”

“Okay, so why don’t we try to find some of your Goodwill clothes that will fit you for today.  I believe we bought some for every age.”

“Mommy, I have a question.”

“I’m listening.”

“You said that my four-year-old body won’t come back unless I want it to.  What if I don’t want it to?  You promised that I could grow back up to ten.”

“Sweety, I think it’s important to keep promises.”

“So you’ll keep your promise?”

“I will, sweety.”

“Mommy, Would it be okay if I say something naughty?”

Sammantha rolled her eyes and replied, “I should probably say no … but go ahead.”

“Okay, well I really enjoy having sex with you, Mommy … and my problem with being a four-year-old is that I don’t have much of a sex drive.  You have the best girl’s body in the world … and I like to hug you and feel you and kiss you and fuck you …”

“Derrek, Derrek … this conversation is over.”

“And I really love it when you give me blow jobs, Mommy.”

“Zoo-time, kid … Let’s move it.”

“And I really love to stick my fingers in your cunt, Mommy.  It’s nice and squishy in there.”

Without warning, Sammantha shoved the pacifier in my mouth.  “I know you’re not a baby, Derrek, but you’ll leave it in there for ten minutes.”

Sammantha drove us to the Buffalo Zoo, a little bit north of downtown, a zoo that had been operating for over 100 years.  I hadn’t visited here since I was a child the first time around and now, as a new four-year-old, I soaked in the sights with a genuine happiness.  We kept a safe distance from any exhibits that had water.

“Mommy, can we go see the elephants now?”

“Sure sweety.”

Elephants are always a crowd favorite and the adjacent amphitheater was holding a ‘tot’ singing contest for which first prize was a plush stuffed toy elephant, somewhat similar to my bunny rabbit.  Sammantha tried to egg me on to enter.

“Go ahead, sweety … I’d love to hear you sing at your current age.”

I turned away.  “I’ll get stage-fright, Mommy … and I don’t know what to sing.”

“Just pick an easy kids’ song that you know.  It really doesn’t matter which one.”

“But it’s embarrassing.”

“That’s okay … You’ll be fine … No one here at the zoo knows us.”

I looked up at Sammantha.  “Are you sure you want me to do this, Mommy?”

“Really, sweety, I think you’ll do just fine … Why don’t you give it a try?”

“Alright, I guess so.”

We got in line and the girl in front of me did all the verses of ‘Mary had a Little Lamb’.

The hostess came back on stage.  “Okay, folks, let’s hear it for five-year-old Harmony Rippatoe with her beautiful rendition of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ … And our next contestant is a little boy from right here in Buffalo, New York … Don’t be shy, little boy.  Come out here to center of the stage.”

Sammantha gave me a nudge and I nervously walked toward the hostess.  So many eyes were on me.  The hostess brought the wireless microphone down to my level.

“Hi little fella … Can you tell our nice audience what your name is?”

I brought my mouth closer to the mic and said in my young child’s voice, “I’m Derrek.”

“Well hello Derrek … And can you tell us how old you are?”

At my age, I had to hold up fingers to emphasize the point, “I’m four.”

“Well, welcome to the zoo, Derrek … and what would you like to sing for us today?”

Nervously, I answered, “I would like to sing the Ozzie Mozze song.”

“Okay, and are you a big hot dog fan, Derrek?”

“Yes, I love hot dogs.”

“Okay, is that your mom waving to you from off stage?”

“Yes, she loves hot dogs too.”

After a brief chuckle from the audience, the hostess handed me the wireless mic and backed away.  “Okay then, here is four-year-old Derrek with his version of the Ozzie Mozze theme song.”

I held the mic in my right hand and absolutely froze as I stared out into the audience.

Some of the children in the audience began chanting, “Sing, Derrek, sing … Sing, Derrek, sing.”

I cleared my throat, the audience stopped chanting, and I brought the mic up to my mouth. I then began my song.

“My penis has a first name … It’s O-Z-Z-I-E,

  My penis has a second name … It’s  M-O-Z-Z-E,”

There was a rumble in the audience.  Some of the parents were asking, “What is he saying … Is he saying what I think he’s saying?”

Offstage, the eyeballs of the hostess were bulging.  But I had to finish.

“And if you sing it loud enough … they’re always bound to say …

That Ozzie Mozze has a way with P –E –N –I –S  today.”

One of the mothers in the audience screamed, “Get that frickin kid off the stage!!”

The hostess sprinted to center stage and picked up both me and the mic … and ran back in the direction of Sammantha.  I excitedly asked her, “Did I win?  Did I win?”

The hostess practically threw my little body at Sammantha.  (I think we should have sued for abuse.)

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” she yelled at my mom.

Sammantha took my hand and quickly escorted me to the zoo exit amidst a chorus of boos.  We said nothing on the walk back to the car.  But once we got in, we both broke out into peals of laughter.

“Derrek, you little stinker!” she yelled at me.  “I should spank you for that stunt!  You really embarrassed me!”

I grinned back at her.  “That may be true, Mommy, but I still know you’re not going to spank me.”

“Oh really?” she countered.  “And just how do you know that?”

“Because you’re the one who made me go up on the stage.   And I saw you laughing when I was singing.  And it doesn’t matter anyway, because none of those people know who we are … That’s what you said.”

”So why did you pick that song?”

“Because I’ll only be four years old today … and four-year-olds say and do stupid things.  You told me the song didn’t matter and I said ‘but it’s embarrassing’.”

“Wait a second, Derrek … Did you mean that the song would be embarrassing?”

“Yes, Mommy, I warned you … Can we go now?”

The afternoon passed uneventfully.  We stopped for KFC for lunch, which I really loved no matter what my age was.  Later, Sammantha took me to a playground to see for herself if I was capable of playing nicely with other children.  I enjoyed the apparatuses there because they matched up well with the current size of my body.  By the time we got back home, I was five, and my current outfit felt like it had shrunk.

“So, sweety, we need to get ready for tomorrow.  Tell me, are you still willing to take out revenge against your arch bully, four-year-old Dorcus Crudup?”

“I usually don’t like to fight people, Mommy … But Dorcus was mean to me for no reason.  He just enjoyed being mean, and he hurt me a lot. Just on principal, he has something coming.  So I’ll do it.”

Sammantha nodded.  “Well, okay, then … Let’s go over our plans.  I will wear a blonde wig tomorrow so that Mrs. Fluker doesn’t recognize me.  She won’t recognize you because you’re going to be about four years older than yesterday. 

“Okay.”

“Whatever moves you make, Derrek, do them quickly.  I’ll divert the teacher to come outside the classroom door.  Then you should get in and get out in thirty seconds, no more.  As long as you have the element of surprise, then kick him in the groin and follow up immediately with a punch to either the nose or the stomach.  He should be on the floor by then.  Now let me show you the ankle lock.”

Sammantha led me to the laptop computer on her desk and clicked on Youtube.  We going to take a look at the pro wrestling match where Kurt Angle broke the ankle of Randy Orton.  Derrek, the human ankle is very fragile.  It’s easy to snap.”

“I’m not sure I get it, Mommy.”

“Just watch … Your opponent is lying on his stomach.  Your right forearm goes under his left shin and your fingers lock onto his shoe, the side where the baby toe is on.  Then lift his leg a bit, step outside his body and at that point, you’ll have plenty of leverage to break it easily.  Just turn his foot 90 degrees, or toward his head and you’ll hear things snap.”

“Does that hurt?”

“A lot.  The calcaneo fibular ligament, the CFL, will detach from the fibula … and so will the anterior talofibular ligament, the ATFL, and the posterior talofibular ligament, the PTFL.  The talus and the navicular bones will separate.  And the inferior extensor retinaculum will tear away from the medial malcolus with subcutaneous bursa.”

“Mommy, are you aware you’re talking to a five-year-old?”

“Derrek, you seem to find it very convenient to mentally keep switching between a 28 year old and a child depending on how it suits the occasion.”

“Okay, so I’m 28 years old and I don’t have to sleep in a crib tonight.”

“But you did such a nice job building it, it would be a shame to let it go to waste.  Tonight and tomorrow will be your last nights in the crib … Enjoy them.”

“Pull-up pants … no diapers, okay?”

“Why?  Do you think you’re not going to be a bed-wetter tonight.”

“You’re a psychologist, Mommy.  You should know that labeling a child as a bed-wetter is a terrible stigma. The child could become traumatized for life.   I would go potty twenty times a night if I could avoid wetting my bed.”

“Fine, go with the pull up pants and prove to me that you’re a big boy.”

“Bunny rabbit will remind me to stay dry, ‘cause he doesn’t want me to pee on him any more.”