A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 38
The Farting Grandma

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“We’re going to join the ‘Mile High’ club.”

Her words just blew me away and I wanted no part of it.  “But Mom, it’s a federal crime to have sex on a commercial airliner.”

“Not if you have permission.”

I stood up and looked to the rear of the plane.  “Mom, the flight attendants are standing right next to the lavatory doors.  There’s no way we could walk in together.”

She waved off my concerns. “Where’s your sense of adventure, sweety?  I’m going to go stand in line for a lavatory.  When I call you, I want you to come back.”

“Do they give scuba lessons in the St. Thomas prison?”

“Just leave everything to me, sweety.”

As I re-took my seat, the elderly woman’s right hand migrated to my left thigh.  The situation felt somewhat awkward.  Then our eyes met.

“Young man, my name is Zelda Groseclose and I am 86 years old.”

I wanted nothing to do with this crazy old lady, but I tried to remain polite.  “My name is Derrek Adams and I’m ten.”

The lady smiled with her remaining teeth.  “You know, Derrek, it really warms my heart to see a mother and son as close as the two of you are.”

I nodded.  “Well, thank you, Zelda.”

“Not to be nosy, but … do you fuck her often?”

My eyes went wide.  I don’t think my ears were ready to hear those words coming out of that wrinkled mouth.  Should I engage her in conversation?  I suppose it wouldn’t hurt.  She is a rather loose cannon.

“No, not too often.  I’m only ten.”

Her hand started moving up higher on my left thigh.  “Well, I won’t bother asking you about the frequency of your self-pleasuring, but I am a little curious about your methodology.  Do you prefer manual manipulation to achieve climax or coregasm?”

That got my attention.  “Wait, you know about coregasms?”

“Derrek, I’m 86 … I practically invented coregasms.”

“Oh wow … Okay, well I do a little of each.”

Zelda slowly nodded.  “Ahhh … so you’re bi-sexual.”

“Well I’m not so sure about that.” 

Now Zelda was starting to rub two fingers against my crotch.  “Are you circumcised, Derrek?”

“I am.”

“Wonderful … And has your mum measured the height of your erection?”

(Okay, this was not a normal conversation to be having with someone’s grandma.)

“She says it’s four inches.”

“That’s lovely … And do you wash your scrotum so that the bacteria don’t infiltrate to your testicles?”

“Always.”

“Good for you, Derrek … And are you and mum going on vacation?”

“Oh, yes.  She’s going to teach me scuba diving in St. Thomas.”

“How wonderful!  But you must be careful, Derrek, not to urinate in the Caribbean.  There is a salt water species of the tiny Candiru fish from the Amazon which will follow your urinary stream and swim into your urethra.  That’s why it’s called the ‘penis fish’.”

“Sounds scary.”

“Oh it is, honey.  Once the Candiru is lodged in your penis, you can’t pull it out.  There are tiny barbs or spikes on its head which make it stuck … Then you would need surgery or amputation to remove it.  It’s very serious.”

“Thanks Zelda … I’ll try to be very careful not to pee in the sea.”

“You’re very welcome, Derrek … And I don’t mean to be forward, but may I touch your penis?”

I hesitated in responding. “Uhh, I’m not sure if I should do that.”

“Come on, boy.  Do an old lady a favor.  I’m 86 … I may not even be alive by the end of the flight.”

Zelda did not wait for another response.  She unfolded the complimentary airline blanket and placed it over my lap.  I froze.  This couldn’t be happening.  She unbuckled her seat belt and began operating with two hands under the blanket.

I’m not sure if girls have similar reactions, but boys have special feelings when they know that their zipper is being pulled down.  It’s enough to create a full blush in the face, and of course, a hardening effect down below. 

I stared ahead blankly.  Zelda’s hands were cold, but she gently cupped my balls with one hand and squeezed my rod with the other.

She whispered in my ear, “I won’t give you a blow job, honey … ‘cause you need to save yourself for mum.”

“You’re a thoughtful grandma, Zelda.”

“But after you do Mum, do you think you could do me too?  I can make it worth your while.”

Zelda flashed a bill with Ben Franklin’s picture that she kept in her bra.

“I’d like to, but I’ve not been able to get it up twice in one day.”

“That’s quite alright, honey … Would you like to hear a pussy fart?”

“DERREK!”

“Oh, there’s my mom.”

This time Zelda flashed me the ‘thumbs-up’ sign.  “Make me proud, honey.”

I returned a thumbs-up.  “Thanks.”

I moved down the aisle to the back of the plane where no less than three female flight attendants greeted my arrival.

“And here’s little Derrek … Awwww, he’s so cuuuuuute!”

I could see Sammantha standing in one of the lavatories behind a folding door.  But one of the flight attendants stood between us.  She stooped down and reached up to gently grab my shoulder with her left hand and tousled my hair with her right.

“Derrek, I’m Vickey Hickey, the head flight attendant.  All of us know what a special little boy you are, and you’re going to get through this.”

I nodded.  “Okay.”

“Derrek sweety … Is that what your mom calls you?”

“Uh huh.”

Vickey continued, “Well, Derrek sweety, your penis is just as good as all the other boys in the world.”

That line kind of took me aback.  “Really?”

“Really … And there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing it with your mom.”

(Wow, that was a surprise.  I thought we were going to have to sneak it.)  I asked Vickey, “Are you sure you’re okay with it?”

“Oh yes, Derrek sweety … Go in there with a positive attitude. I want you to stick it out as far as you can, and let mommy guide you.”

“Okay.”

“And I understand that if you’re successful, you’ll be going to a big party after we land.”

“Wow,  that sounds great.”

“Listen, Derrek sweety … You can do this.  We’ll all be rooting for you, all three of us.  So when you close the door, you’re going to show mommy what a big boy you are.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Then all three flight attendants tousled my hair again.