From College to Crib

Chapter Description: With Kat gone, Alice is alone with her mother yet again. If she had hoped that her mom would just let bygones be bygones she was in for a surprise.

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“She helped you go to the potty?” Mom asked as she leaned back in her chair.

“Yes, I’ve told you that how many times?” I asked in annoyance.

“Don’t speak to me in that tone of voice.” Mom immediately cut in.

I looked down at my plate submissively. Like a puppy who had gotten a little too big for their shoes and annoyed the leader of the pack I immediately showed my deference. My dinner was half-eaten and although I loaded up my fork and filled my mouth, I had to force myself to swallow it. I didn’t feel hungry in the slightest.

“And yet the bathroom didn’t appear to have been recently used.” Mom stated, “There was no smell, the toilet seat wasn’t warm, the sink was dry, and I assume you would’ve washed your hands…”

It had been going on for hours. Almost from the moment Kat had left the house, in fact. I had been given a reprieve of around half an hour where I hid out in my room feeling depressed that my friend was gone. That was until Mom came up and the questions started. On and off, all day, Mom had been grilling me on what happened. She clearly didn’t believe my lie. It was exhausting, I felt like a captured spy being asked to give up precious information. It had gotten so overwhelming I had even gladly interrupted Mom to say I needed to use the potty. Having her help me out of my diaper and on to the seat was humiliating but at least she paused her questions whilst I tinkled in the plastic bowl.

“And why didn’t you use your potty?” Mom continued, “You know the rules.”

“You wanted me to ask Kat to help me on the potty?” I muttered in reply, “I still have SOME self-respect…”

“Why not?” Mom shrugged her shoulders coldly, “She saw me changing your diapers. Would a potty have surprised her?”

I took another bite of food as my face blushed red. Kat HAD seen my potty and, like Mom said, she’d seen my diaper being changed. That didn’t mean I wanted to make myself look even more like a baby in her eyes. I mean, I assumed by then her opinion of me couldn’t get any worse regardless but still, how was I supposed to tell my friend I had been banned from the toilet?

“You’re lying to me.” Mom said.

“I’m not.” I replied weakly. I couldn’t look Mom in the eye.

I didn’t really know why I was bothering. I was acting like Mom was some cop who would only act if she got a confession or definitive proof. That obviously wasn’t the case. If she believed I was lying it was as good as one hundred percent truth in her eyes.

Not for the first time recently, I considered running away. I was an adult and there was nothing forcing me to stay in the house with my Mom and yet I couldn’t leave. I didn’t have anywhere to go. Most of the people who I thought might let me stay with them had seen that I was just a big baby, none of them would want a burden such as me landing on their doorstep. The only person who seemed sympathetic at all was Kat and she had even offered me a place to stay but I didn’t feel like I could accept it.

I didn’t want to wear out my welcome with the one person who would still give me the time of day. More than that, I knew Kat hadn’t seriously thought about what she was offering. Seeing everything that had happened in the house she no doubt saw it as a novelty or something, if she had to live with me day in and day out that would quickly change. She would see that I was a useless baby and send me back home. I couldn’t sever that one last link with the real world.

“There will be some deliveries coming soon.” Mom said. She stood up with her mostly eaten dinner and scraped the remnants into the trash.

“Of what?” I asked.

“You’ll see.” Mom replied, “I’m just warning you now that I’ll need your help setting up some of it.”

I didn’t like the sound of that at all. At least Mom deciding she had finished eating gave me cover to pick up my own plate. I squeezed past Mom as she put her plate in the sink, and I emptied my remaining food into the trash. I was using the fork to scrape the last of the food off the plate when I suddenly felt Mom’s hand pressing against my butt. I froze up, every muscle tensed.

“You’re wet.” Mom stated, “Why didn’t you tell me you needed the potty?”

It was true. I had wet myself. It had happened much earlier, before I’d even come down for dinner. It didn’t seem to matter how many times I told Mom how embarrassing it was to go to her to ask for the potty, she just never seemed to get it. As shameful as it was to admit, it was much easier to just wet myself. Diaper changes were a common thing at that point, and I could rationalise that I didn’t really have a choice.

“I don’t know.” I mumbled in reply. A reply that even I had to acknowledge sounded pathetic.

“Alright, new rule.” Mom said as she withdrew her hand in exasperation, “I feel like every time I give you an inch of responsibility you throw it back in my face. From now on you can forget the potty altogether.”

My mouth dropped open as I turned to face Mom who was just casually walking through to the living room. I followed her feeling like I must’ve misheard what she said. When she sat down on the couch I stomped up and blocked her view of the television.

“W-What do you mean?” I asked.

“You heard me.” Mom looked incredibly annoyed with me, “No more asking for the potty. No more using the potty. Clearly you can’t be trusted with it.”

“But... But…” I felt myself hyperventilating, “You can’t do that!”

“Yes. I can.” Mom said simply, “And that will be how things stay until I feel I can trust you to make an effort again… and not lie to me.”

I felt my knees get weak. I knew I hadn’t been as diligent as I might’ve been with asking for the potty, but it was still a choice I had, even if it left me so utterly humiliated. Now even this modicum of freedom was being taken away. I started to hyperventilate. One of the most basic things that people could take for granted, the ability to pee and poop in a designated place was being stripped from me. I guess Mom was still giving me a place to “go”, it was just into my diaper. I could feel tears and panic racing through my system. In my desperation I latched on to the last thing Mom had said. She was annoyed because she thought I had lied to her, maybe there was something I could do to save the situation.

“Alright, I lied!” I exclaimed. I looked at Mom and saw her look straight back at me with her piercing eyes.

“Go on…” Mom said.

“Kat didn’t help me get to the potty.” I admitted in a rush of words that seemed to chase each other out of my mouth, “I... I… pooped myself. She WAS going to take me to the toilet, but I couldn’t make it…”

I swallowed a lump in my throat. Mom’s eyes had narrowed, and I was trying to guess what had caused that reaction. Which part of my confession most angered her?

“So, Kat… ch-changed me.” I swallowed as I finished. I looked down at the floor and held my hands behind my back.

“I see.” Mom said tensely.

“I’m sorry.” I added quickly.

Mom didn’t say anything more. I wasn’t sure entirely what I was expecting but I had hoped she would give at least some indication that she had heard my apology. Instead, she turned and looked back at the television screen. I wasn’t sure exactly what to do. I had been hoping she would drop this new rule if I was just honest about what had happened.

“So, can I use the potty?” I asked after an uncomfortably long silence.

“No.” Mom replied without looking at me. There wasn’t a moment of hesitation. She didn’t even consider it.

My heart sank. I felt myself tearing up and the crying I had only barely managed to prevent until that point started escaping me in big hiccupping sobs. I covered my mouth. My mother wasn’t going to be swayed. Even with my admission she had decided that I couldn’t be trusted to TRY to use the potty, even under supervision. She must’ve thought I was a complete baby and now I would have no choice but to show her she was right. My mind flashed with images of me using diapers for the rest of my life, a future where I was so used to being in used disposables, I didn’t even notice it anymore. It was too much to take.

“If you don’t like it, maybe you should go stay with your friend.” Mom said sourly, “Since you like visiting her so much.”

“K-Kat?” I muttered. I suddenly realised what had soured Mom on me the most, “This is about Thanksgiving?”

Mom remained unmoved. She didn’t even look at me despite me taking up a majority of her vision. I had always known it would upset Mom, but she must’ve understood why I wanted to go somewhere else for the holiday, a place where I wasn’t under her microscope and subject to her arbitrary rules.

“I’m sorry that I lied.” I said as I tried to keep my emotions in check, “I just-…”

“I don’t care.” Mom interrupted me. She finally looked me in the eyes and I gasped, it was like I could feel hate striking me like a laser beam, “If you’re trying to change my mind you are wasting my time. You are a liar, and I don’t trust you. You’ll get your potty privileges when I say and only when I say.”

I turned from the couch and ran from the room. I couldn’t stop the tears or the loud sobs as I crinkled into the hall and then went upstairs. I did just about the only thing I could think of as resistance and slammed the door closed behind me. I flopped on to my bed and sobbed.

No matter what I did I couldn’t seem to shake Mom’s belief that I was a completely useless baby. It was hard to disagree with her. As I dropped on to my mattress and felt the warmth of the front of my padding pressing against me, I wondered what right I had to even disagree with her assessment of me. She thought I was a baby because I WAS a baby. She was right, no matter how much I wanted it to be otherwise, I messed up every little bit of freedom I was given. I couldn’t be trusted with a single ounce of maturity.

I beat my pillows with my fists. I was stupid to think I was anything more than a burdensome overgrown child. Mom had always known that, that’s why she prevented me from doing so much stuff that other kids my age were allowed when growing up, she was right not to trust me. Clearly college had been a big mistake and a waste of time and energy. Sure, I’d managed to act like I was a normal person when there but after coming home Mom had shown how quickly that façade fell apart.

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