From College to Crib

Chapter Description: With Kat making a startling discovery and Alice having no idea how to react. She does the only thing she can think of.

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I froze. I couldn’t even look up at Kat. The secret I had been so desperate to keep was out, there was nothing I can do to undo what was happening. Kat was looking at me in shock, she had seen enough of me in college to know I hadn’t been wearing anything like this then.

“Alice?” Kat said, “What’s…”

“I’m sorry!” I yelled suddenly. Panic flooded through me. My brain was going a million miles per hour, but my mouth was struggling to move at all. Tears filled my eyes, “I’m… I’m sorry!”

Before Kat could start laughing at me or taking photos to show our mutual friends I turned forwards and ran. I heard Kat calling for me but, as the tears ran down my face, I couldn’t hear anything except my own humiliation pulsing in my ears. I saw Kat rush to the bottom of the stairs as I ran up the stairs two at a time. I didn’t stop until I reached me bedroom and closed the door behind me as if it would erase everything behind me. That was it. The last tenuous string holding me to the grown-up world had been cut right there and then. Kat would be leaving and, if I was lucky, I would never hear from her again. Otherwise, I could probably expect the news of my embarrassing secret to spread across social media until everyone at my previous college knew my embarrassing truth. I saw thumbnails of videos on social media making fun of me, news programmes using me as the light-hearted, comedy segment at the end of the show…

“Alice?” I heard Kat cautiously calling for me from halfway up the stairs.

I stayed silent against the door. The footsteps continued up the stairs to the landing and I closed my eyes. Why couldn’t Kat just leave? What more did she want?

“Are you up here?” Kat asked loudly.

I heard Kat tentatively pushing doors and looking inside the rooms for me. I slumped down to the ground with my back to the door and saw the handle move as Kat tried to open it. Kat didn’t move on from the door, instead she stayed outside seemingly quite unsure what to say or do. After a few seconds I heard her lean against the door and sink into a sitting position as well.

“Alice? Could you just let me know you’re alright?” Kat asked. It sounded like she was worried.

I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t physically hurt, but mentally and emotionally I wasn’t so sure. I was so utterly humiliated. I couldn’t understand why Kat hadn’t left. Did she just want to torment me even more?

“Just… go away.” I eventually said as I slumped in defeat.

“I just want to know what’s going on.” Kat said, “Are you OK?”

“I’m fine.” I quickly snapped, “Happy?”

I knew I shouldn’t be mad at Kat, none of this was her fault, but I couldn't help it. I hadn’t invited her here. If she had just stayed away, I could’ve avoided this whole embarrassing situation. I sniffed back my tears and wondered if my occasional sob was loud enough to be heard through the door. Kat didn’t move away no matter how hostile I was being.

“I saw the…” Kat stopped for a couple of seconds, “Did you want to talk about it?”

“No.” I said shortly.

“You’re not ill or anything right?” Kat’s voice was full of concern, I could hear that through the door, “You’d tell me if you were?”

“I’m not ill.” I replied with a sigh, “At least I don’t think I am.”

There was another silence. I didn’t need Kat to speak to know what she was thinking. If there was nothing physically wrong with me then why was I wearing diapers? I didn’t have an answer that would spare my blushes.

“Look, I don’t care about what you’re wearing.” Kat eventually said, “I just want to make sure you’re OK.”

“You… You don’t care?” I replied. It was such an alien concept. If she didn’t care, then she seemed to be the ONLY one who didn’t.

“No.” Kat said firmly, “You’re my friend and I want to help you. I take it this is why you’ve been ignoring me on messenger.”

“Sorry…” I replied quietly.

There was another silence. I could tell Kat was letting the silence stretch on in the hope I would supply her with some information. She wasn’t being nosy, I knew that much, she was genuinely concerned and wanted to help and comfort me. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything though, I was simply too ashamed. Eventually I heard her getting to her feet. I looked over my shoulder at the door.

“I’ll give you some space.” Kat said, “I’m always here for you, alright? We’re friends through thick and thin.”

I didn’t say anything. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say. After getting mocked and laughed at from every angle by people who discovered my diapers, I felt like I was completely prepared for those reactions. The reactions I wasn’t prepared for were ones of support and compassion. My brain struggled to process them.

“You can always give me a call or poke me on messenger.” Kat finished with a soft voice, “No matter what’s going on.”

With that I heard Kat’s footsteps head to the stairs. I could feel the floorboards creak and I sat in stunned silence. Suddenly I felt very stupid at myself. I’d become so mistrustful of everyone that I had even distanced my best friend, the only person in the world who seemed willing to support me even though I seemed to be regressing to a dumb baby. I quickly stood up and fell against the door in my haste. I opened the door and ran to the top of the stairs.

“Wait!” I called out.

Kat was halfway down the stairs. She turned to look at me, I could see the worry etched on her face and it made me feel even worse. How could I have done this to my best friend? How could I have made her worry so much?

“I… I want to talk to you.” I stuttered.

Kat’s face broke into a tentative smile, and she turned around to come back up. I waddled back to my bedroom and waited inside. My heart was hammering so hard I thought it might break my ribs. Sure, Kat had said she would support me no matter what, but I was about to test that theory. Loyalty was easy to talk about but when put into practice it could be a lot more brittle. It would be one thing if the diapers were a result of a medical condition, it felt like the truth was quite another. I waited, facing the doorway but looking down at the floor.

Kat walked in and closed the door behind her. There was no one else in the house but it made things feel more intimate, that it was just between the two of us. I took a deep breath and then, after several false starts, I started relaying the story. Kat stood still and listened. I left out some of the more embarrassing elements, I didn’t tell her about the spankings or anything else that was remotely childish, and I certainly didn’t tell her how public a lot of my accidents had been. I focused on the crux of the matter which was my many accidents.

I felt like I was out of breath by the time I finished. I unloaded a lot of incidents of embarrassment on to my friend who patiently listened. I don’t know how I managed to keep from crying. I thought that maybe if I gave enough examples about how useless I am Kat would realise I was beyond saving and leave. Maybe I was trying to push her away, get her to leave and never come back so I wouldn’t have to shame myself in front of her more than I already had. I couldn’t understand, as I neared the end of my story, how Kat was still sitting next to me on the bed.

“And… that’s everything.” I finally said. I felt slightly out of breath. I had been talking quickly and not taking deep breaths.

Kat stayed where she was. She looked shocked and I waited for it. I closed my eyes and waited for her to laugh, to make fun of me, and to abandon me. I tensed up ready for the next emotional hammer blow. Instead, I felt her arms wrapping around me as she scooted up close and hugged me.

“I can’t even imagine…” Kat whispered sympathetically, “I’m so sorry this has all been happening to you.”

I was stunned. I hadn’t expected that. I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes welled up. The small show of compassion had taken me by surprise and now I was struggling to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. I was just about to give in to them and hug my friend back when I heard a key entering the lock in the front door. My eyes flew wide, and I stepped back away from Kat.

“Shit!” I swore. In all the excitement I had forgotten that Mom had been due home, and I had desperately wanted Kat to be out of the house before that, “You have to go!”

“What? Why?” Kat frowned in confusion. She seemed surprised that right after our little breakthrough I was quickly chivvying her away.

When I had regaled Kat with the many embarrassments, I had suffered I had been careful to minimise Mom’s involvement in it. I don’t know why, I guess I just didn’t want to look like an even bigger loser who was controlled by their Mom despite being in their twenties. I didn’t want Kat to see Mom as a bad person either. Mom was harsh, she always had been, but she was trying to help me. It wasn’t Mom’s fault I kept need correction. I didn’t want Kat to worry more.

“Come on.” I muttered. I pulled Kat by the arm to the stairs. Mom wasn’t visible at the bottom, but we wouldn’t have long, she would expect to check and change me soon.

“I don’t understand…” Kat said. I tried to get her to be quiet, but her confusion was understandable.

We had just reached the bottom of the stairs, a few small steps from the door when I heard Mom clearing her throat. I froze in place. It was too late. My hope that I would be saved the humiliation of Kat seeing what was happening at home started to crumble.

“Ah, there you are.” Mom said. She turned her head to look at Kat. I wondered if the slight narrowing in her eyes was something that really happened or was just my imagination, “And who do we have here?”

“Mom… this is Kat. One of my friends from college.” I said slowly as I turned around, “Kat, this is my Mom.”

“Nice to meet you.” Kat said with a smile as she stepped forwards.

“And you.” Mom looked at me and her lips thinned, “If you had told me we were having guests I would’ve prepared something special.”

“Oh, you do-…” Kat started.

“That won’t be necessary.” I quickly interrupted, “Kat was just leaving.”

I pulled the handle of the front door and let it open. I started ushering Kat towards it before she’d even got her shoes on. Outside I could see it had started to rain heavily. I felt bad trying to make my best friend leave into such bad weather, but it was better than the alternative.

“Nonsense.” Mom said. She stepped forwards and closed the door again. She turned to Kat with an apologetic smile, “You’ll have to forgive my daughter, she can be very rude. Please, would you like to stay for dinner?”

“That would be nice.” Kat replied. She was looking back and forth between me and Mom, probably trying to work out what was happening.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Mom and Kat started walking towards the dining room, my friend looked over her shoulder at me with concern on her face. I remembered the state of my diaper and realised I needed to be changed. There just didn’t seem any way to do it without Kat noticing. I had no choice. I would have to stay in this wet diaper until after dinner and ask for a change when Kat left. In the meantime, I could only hope Mom wasn’t going to embarrass me.

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