Jim is a manly man that just won’t accept the reality of the pandemic, until a brush with the supernatural makes him reconsider everything he knew and everything he is. [This story is somewhat slow; contains descriptions of messing.]
Chapter Description: Jim made a meme, thinking he was funny and clever, not considering whether someone or some thing may find it offensive.
This was it. The perfect meme, and I made it.
I found a picture of an old hag with a mask on, used some meme maker site online and plastered the sentence:
“Imagine having only a 1% percent chance of shitting yourself and still wear a diaper everywhere”
and BAM! Sheeple OWNED! All I could think of is how terrible they’ll feel, once they’ll find out they are no better than a bunch of scared babies.
I posted it on my facebook profile and on the “Lions Against THE LIBERAL LIES” group. I got some cool responses from the group, and some meh responses on my profile page.
“Haha great sense of humor dude!” commented Chris from work, but that wasn’t the only response I got.
“Jesus Jim. People are dead. At least have some respect” commented my dumb cousin. Didn’t she know they died from completely unrelated stuff?? It's just a flu and the media keeps inflating that out of proportion for profit. I swear, at the time it looked like the most obvious thing, I didn’t mean it to go this way.
After some more scrolling in the group for positive feedback, I decided it was time to go to sleep. I trimmed my brown beard a bit, looked at my chiseled alpha body, showered and
layed on my soft bed, in my tiny two bedroom apartment.
That fateful night, I was shivering in my sleep, the cold scolded through my bones like a frozen fire. In my dreams, I was floating in a hospital, cold and alone. The only things accompanying me were the beeps of the machines around me, screeching through my thoughts. It was unbearable, yet eventually - it stopped. The silence was relieving, peaceful…
Until the old bag from the picture jumped to my face, scaring the living shit out of me
“Well. Someone has a lot of opinions about putting on a mask. Remember me? I believe you depicted me on your facebooks?” She said.
She was an old frail lady, so short she could barely reach the top of my sturdy abs.
I stood there in silence, thinking “Yep. Definitely the worst nightmare I’ve ever had”.
She stepped closer, examining me. “You know, because of selfish idiots like you, I died here in this hospital, completely alone, praying to God for another breath of air or just seeing my daughter and grandchildren again. None of this happened though”
“What?” I gasped, I finally became focused and the fear subsided a bit
“You want to tell me it's MY fault your weak body couldn’t handle a simple cold? Please” suddenly I realized there was nothing scary about this woman. A ghost of a weak person can’t hurt a strong man, and on top of it all - I’m alive. I stretched my back, and snarked through my teeth: “You're just a little bitch”
“Really? What is it that you typed earlier? 1% chance of pooping yourself and still wearing diapers? How’d you like that? Every minute you feel the need to poop, you will have a 1% percent of pooping yourself. Tit for a tat
The room started spinning, I could still hear her awful stiff laugh into my waking up. I woke up completely soaked with sweat, at least I checked it was really sweat and nothing else. “Damn my dreams are fucked sometimes, 1% of shitting myself pfft”
Though I made myself more secure, the dark room indicated that I still had more night time to spend before work. “Well, I can’t go to sleep now. not that I’m afraid, I’m just gonna wake up late. Better make myself breakfast and start the day early” told myself, keep me reassured that nothing is wrong
I heated myself some nice slices of pepperoni pizza and opened a can of Manstar drink. After some Netflix and indulging in a “feel-good” “breakfast”, drowsiness crept up on me and I fell asleep again
This dream was set in a mall. I shopped for hats, but none of them looked right, they were weird and blue. I went through several racks of hats, putting them on, when suddenly I felt an urge to go. I ignored it at first, but the damn breathless laugh kept nagging me “1% are you gonna risk it?”
I stopped and ran to the toilet. For some reason, the weird hat store had a public toilet inside. Only one stall though, it was occupied.
“Let me in! I really need to go” I screamed inside
“This is taken, go away or hold it” it was the voice of a young woman
“I’m an Alpha male I can hold it as much as I want” I whispered to myself
My cramps just got worse but in no way I’m gonna give in. “Soon the door is gonna open, and I’ll run inside, it will be fine”
It wasn’t fine, I felt the pressure building on my ass and I just can’t hold it any longer…and then I realized it's just a dream, this really isn’t happening I’m good, I’m good
“Are you well?” the old bitter voice whispered in my mind “you've been asleep for exactly 78 minutes, and you ate quite a bit, I’m sure your body wants to expel some of it…Are you willing to bet more 1% chances or wake up? HA *cough* *cough* HAHA”
“It's just a stupid dream of this stupid person, but I’m sooo tired and I’m soo need to shit…”
The door opened, I ran in like a madman, tore down my pants and sat on the toilet “Sweet God finally some release!!” I felt the shit slide down but instead of falling to the toilet, I felt it on my ass cheek “Shit! Did I forget to remove my boxers???” wait, no, worse, “Fuck me its a dream, that means I’m…”
I woke up, the stench of my sheets arrived my nose first, my boxers, my pants and the bed was covered in huge piles of shit
Damn! Damn! Damn everything to hell! It will take hours to clean that shit up! Literally!
I found strength and carefully removed my boxers and all that was tainted away from the bed, trying my best to at least save me from replacing the mattress.
The cleaning took 20 minutes that felt like hours. I felt like the biggest failure: “How can I friggin mess in my sleep?? It can’t be real, right? The ghost and everything, it must be something I ate or.. or a stomach flu! That's it! Probably stomach flu from that Mexican place I keep eating lunch at. That explains the weird dreams and the messing and everything… I AM an ALPHA MALE, 5”9 (1.8 m) with a 7 inch (17.78 cm) dick! YES!”
That sure made me feel better, enough to put all of this behind me and get ready to work