Chapter Description: As Johnny learns not all days begin happy. Can some time at the park make up for it?
I have a number of colorful dreams I can’t remember the moment I wake up. Still they leave me agitated and confused as I look around. The darkness hides my features and the size of the room, making me think a moment I’m still big. I had this a few times in the first weeks after my regression. My mind wrestling with itself as it tries to combine memories and the picture the senses give it. It is a feeling like having a phantom body around you. The room seems to turn around me as my whole body seems to itch.
I touch my cheek. A soft, peachy feeling without even the hint of stubbles. This grounds me, making the different parts of my brain resolve their conflict. Relaxing again I spread my arms, touching something big and soft.
Grinning I hold my stuffed friend close to me, his soft features feeling so relaxing.
Something is wrong.
Not with Skully, but I suddenly become aware of a wet, cold feeling around my groin. I try to tell myself that everything is okay, but the feeling of coldness isn’t just by my training pant, but spreads up until my navel and down nearly to my knees. Feeling my mouth becoming dry I switch on my lamp. There is more shadow than light, but I don’t need it so much as I feel it. I wet myself. Not just my training pant, or the footed sleeper with the puppy on it, but my bed!
I feel like somebody had boxed me in my stomach. The adult voice in me tries to tell me to relax and just to deal with it. First changing myself, than taking care of the bed, step by step. Yet, the other, younger voice which is more a feeling than any words shouts: *Trouble!*
I simply feel wet and cold and confused. I never had accidents before! I can’t clean this on my own and mommy will be so mad! She might not allow me to be a baby anymore. She might even take Skully from me!
This thought is what completely overpowers my rational mind, leaving me not just crying but bawling in terror and misery. In no time I’m all tears, snot and sobbing. I don’t know how loud I am or how late it is -the part of me thinking about such simply isn’t there-, but it seems mommy is with me in no time. She hold me close, making calming noises and walking up and down with me. I don’t calm down as much as I give in to exhaustion, unable to even keep open my eyes.
When I next wake up it is morning and I lay besides mommy in her bed. She is still sleeping and looks so peaceful and beautiful that I try not to wake her. Slowly I remember last night. I notice I’m wearing nothing but a shirt with woody on it and a fresh training pant. There is panic rising in me once more, but it is muffled when I discover Skully besides me. Holding my stuffed friend close to me helps me to get over it. After all, everything seems all right and he looks so very cheerful promising warmth and adventure. I look back at mommy, who seemingly has woken up, look at me with a slight smile. I return it, holding Skully even closer as she begins to stroke my hair. The night’s terror finally completely lifts of me.
This tender moment ends too soon, as the day’s business begins.
"Time for potty," mommy says as we climb out of the bed.
I nod. There is no pressure on my bladder but I now realize how little I can rely myself on it... not that I need to do so for much longer anyhow. We pass my room and I notice my mattress stripped bar and standing on its side, obviously for drying. I instantly press Skully closer to me. Did I really only get him not even a day before? I suddenly can’t imagine living without him.
"Sorry," I mumble.
Mother kneels down to me looking in my eyes.
"Accidents happen. It was my fault not to be prepared," she gives me a short hug making me feel better instantly. "I will take care of this later. Come, your potty is waiting."
Not even a minute later I sit on my potty, relaxing with Skully standing in front of me. It doesn’t need long for mommy to come back, cleaning me up and leading me all naked into the bathroom where the water is already running into the tube while we brush our teeth. I barely have cleaned my mouth that she lifts me up and places me into the water. It has a lot of bubbles and just the right temperature, making me grin as I think it is perfect. It is only when mommy places the yellow duck in front of me that I realize I was wrong and kick my feet in pure delight, making the duck go up and down.
"Ducky!" I exclaim looking up at mommy.
She just smiles at me, he eyes shining.
I take the duck and move it in the water, making quacking noises as I do so and move my legs to make little waves. It comes so very natural that I don’t even think about what I’m doing. Then I make the duck sail into a little mountain of foam, squealing as it hides completely in it. So much fun!
Mommy meanwhile cleans me with a sponge, going everywhere from face to breast to behind and legs. Finally she makes me stand up to clean my groin. There is still enough modesty in me to freeze for a moment, but it is quickly forgotten when she sets me down again and begins cleaning my hair. This time she is much better in keeping the shampoo out of my eyes and there are no tears. After making the duck swim in the tube -so large!- a few times, mommy pulls me out and rubs me dry, giving me a kiss once she is done.
"Once you wear diapers we have to do it every day."
I grin, looking forward to it.
Placing me naked on the toilet, mommy puts the cream on me and begins rubbing it on my groin and my butt. I hold extra still, but fail to completely concentrate on the relaxing feeling and the great smell of it. As soon as she is done mommy pulls a training pant out of the package and puts me in it.
"All done," she says, placing me on the mat. "Go play a bit, but no TV, yet."
I’m not quite comfortable not wearing a shirt, but still this sound like a good idea, so I decide to continue playing with my firetruck. Since it isn’t in the living room anymore, I figure mommy took it in my room. Nursery. This word suddenly flashes in my mind and with it comes the image of toy boxes and crayons, of stuff animals and nursery songs. I can’t help but run to it, but what I see is a disappointment.
It is still my room. The room of someone nearly an adult. The only part of it looking remotely like fun I catch sight of at first is my computer which is hardly age appropriate. Yet, on the second sight I discover my fire truck on my desk. Mommy probably placed it there so I would see it once I woke up. Smiling again I climb on the chair. The computer to the left and the toy to the right, starting the first doesn’t even cross my mind. I grab for the fire-truck, seeing myself already playing in the living room again, putting out gigantic fires, but my hand stops in the movement. There, right on the desk is a picture of me maybe two years ago. It has been made right after I got my driver’s license and in it I stand in front of a Ferrari a friend of mine organized for me and some others to drive. I remember the feeling of the car, the feeling of freedom, of achieving something great and it comes down on me like a brick wall.
What am I doing here? Can playing with a fire-truck really stand up to such? I will never be a fire-man, I know this, so why pretend? Because it is all that is left to me? I think this in an adult voice such hard and dry and sensible, that I have nothing to muster against it. Suddenly I feel self-conscious of not wearing anything but a training pant. How ridiculous! I’m an adult after all. This photo, all photo’s in the room proof it!
In my confusion I feel the urge for Skully’s embrace, but of course he is in the kitchen, miles away. I can’t face it alone and tears dwell in my eyes, as I’m close to cry. Even more, a part of me is willing to give up right now and wants to tell mother that I decided against pretending to be a real toddler. Before I can make a true decision though, I focus on the fire-truck again and instinctively move it back and forth on the desk. This calms me down, not as much as having Skully around me, but when I put my right thumb in my mouth it is enough to fight the tears.
After sitting this way a while, I come to a conclusion, reach for the photo and let it fall on the desk, front down. The same I do to the other photos of me in the room. When I’m done I feel much better. It still looks like the room of a grown up, but not like the one of my former self. I can pretend it is the room of someone else, my big brother maybe, but am no longer connected to my past through it. At peace I grab my fire-truck and go playing in the living room.
A little later mommy and I make a walk through a park. Mommy covered me in with sun lotion and then dressed me in the shirt with the puppy playing in a puddle, short trousers and my blue sandals, while she herself wears a jeans, a white shirt and a rucksack. I love the outfit she chose and since from now on it is her decision what I wear, if anything at all, there is less for me to worry about. We finally arrive at a playground already used by several children of all ages.
"Playtime!" mommy tells me as we arrive at a bank and unpacks a blue plastic bucket with some forms and a fitting green shovel in it from her rucksack. "Let’s see how great you can do it."
I smile as I take over the bucket, but before I can leave, mother puts her hands under my shoulders and raises me in the air.
"One moment," she says, putting me on her left knee and removing my sandals. "All done."
I’m placed on the ground again and quickly hurry for the sand before mommy decides to remove my clothes, something I don’t feel ready for. The ground is warm from the sun, feels even hot for my feet which don’t have any scarf-skin anymore and probably won’t ever have again. On the plus side, the sand feels so much better once I reach it, moving as if it is alive. Standing there I look around. There are many children, but the one around my age seem to be concentrated near a little stream of water running down a small hill. Not wanting to play alone and hoping to learn a bit from other toddlers of my age I join them, settling a bit away from the stream as I don’t want my clothes to get wet.
Deciding to find out more about my surrounding to better fit in I begin stealthily watching the playground and especially the other children. What I find is stranger than I expected. Far from being a disorganized chaos I imagined it, there are actually clearly groups, strictly divided ones, going after their businesses. First there are the babies of under one year, sitting near the banks, supervised in their play and sometimes helped to do so by their mommies. Then my group maybe from one to three years, playing relatively free, but looked over by our parents on the banks a bit farther away. Then there are the ones four year of age and up to six, the Kindergarten children, playing on the swings and the great wooden structure in the middle of the playground. Screaming as happily as loudly and clearly imagining to be explorers or even pirates. This thought makes me a little envious, even more so than the really big kids of six and above, climbing so unbelievable skillful, using the big slides and in general using the playground only as starting point, while rushing through the meadows, playing soccer and other big children games, only randomly looked after by their parents. Why I feel more envious of the Kindergarten children I can’t say, maybe because they are just out of reach, while the school children with all their numbers, letters and songs are somewhere up in the sky, so big and fast that I can see myself only toddling helplessly after them if I ever tried to follow them. The Kindergarten children meanwhile are closer to me, but they probably know more games, are allowed more tv and need less naps than I do. It is strange to feel this envy, stronger even than in the mall yesterday, especially since I know I wanted this, still want, but I guess it is part of being my age.
Accepting this I concentrate on my group.
We are six. Me. A boy and a girl both brown haired and around two -maybe brother and sister-, playing together. A girl about my age in yellow dress with green flowers playing with some forms. Another boy maybe a bit under two is playing with a little toy car. The last is another boy a bit older than me, maybe even three, but still wearing a diaper and only a diaper. He is quite busy moving around on his scrabbed knees, shoveling little canals. I wonder if I can make better canals and castles than he does and smile. Of course I can! It should be easy with my superior knowledge to build the best the playground has ever seen. All I have to do is not to be too good.
Ignoring my surrounding I concentrate on the sand in front of me. My legs are softly driven apart by the training pant which begins to feel comfortingly warm through the sand. I wiggle my toes in the sand and then spontaneously put some of it over them. This is so much fun!
I begin constructing my castle, finding it very relaxing, when half on the way a shadow falls on me. It is the boy in the diaper looking down on me in a interested way. I look up, unsure what to say.
"Wanna play?" he asks.
I nod and he grins, running over to the other side of the little stream where he already has made a small hill in the sand, soon to become a great castle. A voice tells me it will never be more than a hill of sand, but I leave this voice behind when I grab my bucket and my shovel to follow him. He doesn’t pay me any attention once I sit down on the other side of the castle. I begin putting sand on it and forming it. It is never quite the way I imagine it, but this is okay, for in my mind I see dragons resting on them and fire-trucks racing around the castle to put out the fires they start.
It is then that I notice the other toddler was kneeling now, wetting his diaper while patting absentmindedly on the sand. Feeling a little full myself and seeing no reason to stop building the castle, I let go, too. It goes easier than before, probably because I get more used to it, but maybe because the presence of other toddlers is relaxing. I enjoy the warmth in my crotch, shortly thinking about how much coins I made disappear, before turning back to build the castle.
After a while the other toddler stops, seemingly thinking. Suddenly he grins, stands up and begins to run around the castle. I don’t see how this idea came to his mind, but it feels like a challenge, so I stand up, too, and race after him. He is taller, but his wet diaper hinders him a bit as he runs ahead. We race under a large wooden construction where big children play who pay us as little mind as we do them. Finally he lets himself fall on his knees in the sand in front of me and I follow his example. Exhaled we look around, he is as unsure as what to do as I am, so I began to dig in the sand.
The toddler looks up and I follow his eyes to a woman sitting on a bank near the playground. He quickly stands up, racing to the woman now and I figure running seems to be the standard way of going from one place to another for him. Not wanting to stand out and noticing my mommy speaking with the other woman I follow him in the same fashion.
"Mommy!", he says in clear want for her attention. His mother responds by taking him up and placing him on her lap. Satisfied with this he puts his thumb in his mouth.
Wanting the same I toddle to my mommy and lay my head on her lap. She smiles down on me and picks me up without a word, placing me on her lap, without stopping her conversation. I feel safe there, having the perfect size for this position, and rest my own thumb in my mouth, not caring for the little grains of sand. It is funny how all my worries of not fitting in have seemingly vanished and I actually doze of a bit, not thinking anything really and hearing the grown-ups talk without putting any effort in understand them.
Finally the other woman looks down on her son, squishing the front of his diaper. "Seems like you made a tinkle Henry."
The boy shakes his head in denial, smiling around his thumb. His mother returns his smile.
"We will start potty training next week, after my sister and her little ones have visited us," she explains.
"We are training already," mommy notices, touching my own front. "Though with changing success. Have you wet your training pants Johnny?"
I nod, grinning widely around my thumb like Henry, before turning it out.
"A bit," I say, hoping to sound convincingly.
"Only a bit?" mommy asks sympathetically.
"Only a tiny, winy little bit?" she continues and begins to tickle me.
I squeal, laughing wide and openly, without a bit of pretense, even when I feel some more drips of urine finding their way into the training pant.
Henry’s mother takes a small bag out from under a baby buggy standing near, taking a changing pad out of it, laying it on the bank and placing her son on it. My own mommy meanwhile makes me stand on the bank, unbuckles my overalls and makes me rise my feet one by one to get me out of it. I’m okay with this until she says. "Hands up." and though I follow instinctively I realize I’m in trouble.
It turns out as expected as mommy snaps open the sides of my training pant and removes it, leaving me standing stark naked on the bank. I feel a blush rise in my cheeks as I suddenly imagine everyone looking at me. Looking around I realize this is false, but I’m still feeling angry at mommy for doing this, especially since she seems to take herself a lot of time to search her bag. It turns out to be a pack of wipes she now opens and I feel embarrassed even more when she starts cleaning my crotch. As the wipe touches my penis I move back a bit, touching the back of the bank with my blank button.
"Hush," mommy says, taking my hand and pulling me to her again, gently, but not else than she would do if I were a real toddler, without a hint of caring for my dignity.
Feeling the need to distract myself to not die of embarrassment, I look at Henry. Being a real toddler, he has no sense of modesty, looking slightly bored while his mother rises his legs into the air to clean his behind. He for sure doesn’t mind, so I try to take myself an example on him and to relax. It works a bit, but I’m still relieved when mommy makes me slip into a clean training pant and vow to never wet myself on the playground again, even if I once wear diapers. I expect to be dressed in t-shirt and overalls again, but instead mommy places me on the ground and hands me the wet and folded together training pant.
"Do you know where to do it?" she asks.
I look up, genuinely confused.
"It is the trash, isn’t it Johnny?"
I nod, understanding.
"Then do it in the trash darling. Show mama what a big boy you are!"
Finally I understand completely, give her a smile and walk to the the nearest trash can, throwing it in, all the while only noticing the heat of the stone under my feet and not the fact that I’m nearly naked. Then I run back to mommy while feeling energized for having figured it out.
"Good boy," she praises me and I feel a rush of pride floating through me thought I know it is at last half pretend.
With this she places me on her lap again. I notice Henry wears a clean diaper now and envy him a bit for it. The figures of Sesame street on the diaper look so funny and promise a carelessness I know I don’t have yet. He is placed on his mother’s lap, too and handed a sippy cup he drinks eagerly from. I realize I feel thirsty myself, but before I can say something mommy already grabs in her bag, pulling out a small carton with tea she hands over to me after putting a drinking straw in it. It isn’t a sippy cup, but I notice the happy rain forest animals on it and drink it with a smile. I don’t drink more than half though to not stress my bladder and needing another change. Briefly I wonder if my instinct to drink more than I need is since the adult part of me wants to have the amount it is used to or since the toddler part of me wants everything it can get.
Seeing we don’t drink anymore our mommies send me and Henry running back to our castle and toys. We are half there, when I realize that I wear nothing but a training pant. Looking around I realize that there is no one wondering about me. I’m just another kid on the playground. I decide it is okay. More than that, wearing a pirate training pant suddenly feels cool, because it makes me a pirate myself. The castle becomes a pirate den and I eagerly work with Henry to finish it. We are two half naked toddlers, lost in our little world and just for this eternal seeming moment concepts like time looses meaning for me.
Time passes though and finally our mommies pick us up. After gathering our toys and putting shirts on us they make us say goodbye and we part ways. Henry leaves being pushed by his mother in his buggy, I toddle alongside my own wearing only shoes, a shirt and my training pant, feeling great.
I doze a bit in the booster seat, as we drive away, seeing images of me and Henry building the castle, a pirate ship sailing and a plane. Then the car stops and I’m awake again, realizing we are in front of the grocery store we bought the training pants in.
Mommy unbuckles me and puts me out of my seat, holding my hand as we walk across the parking area. I’m still wearing no trousers and don’t feel quite as comfortable as I was back at the playground for there are no other toddlers around me to distract attention. We near the shopping carts and I expect a ride in the children seat, but mother pulls one of the small, toddler sized carts out of the line and presents it to me.
"We shop for you dear, so you can push it," she says. "Will you help mommy?"
I nod, grinning widely.
As we enter the store and I push the cart and notice the irony. I pretend to be a toddler who plays being a grownup. Yet, why do I feel a bit of pride doing so?
As we walk through the aisles mommy also grabs some vegetables, among them sprouts which I hate.
"Mommy bah," I protest, not wanting anyone near to become suspicious.
"No Johnny they are mhhh," mommy replies. "They make you stay healthy so you don’t have to visit uncle doctor."
A elder woman nearby is listening and she and mommy exchange knowing grins, while I watch from below.
Finally we come to the aisle I have the training pants from. While I look longingly at the various diapers in their colorful packaging, mommy finds what she searched for and place a package of night time training pants in the cart. It has some cars on it, but before I can look more at it, mother places a package of bed mats over it.
"So you can sleep like a baby."
I grin, nodding, and am even more delighted, when a sippy cup -sadly no bottle- and baby shampoo wanders in the cart. Mommy pays, fills everything in a bag and then carries it and me to the car, for I suddenly become very tired and the moment I’m placed into the seat I fall asleep.
I awake slowly, barely registering crossing from the land of dreams to the land of awareness and not taking any memory of the former with me. As my senses begin to work again, I first register that I lie in my bed with a sheet covering me up to my breast. Next I see Skully sitting next to me. I want to grab him, but notice that my right thumb is firmly resting in my mouth. This feels so relaxing that I decide to keep it there, telling my friend later of my adventure in the sand pit.
This is when I remember that I’m really a grown up. The realization sends the hints of a shiver through my body as if my nerve system wants to make sure of my size again. I feel a slight sadness for the return of my memories as for a moment I had felt not been bothered by them and truly believed Skully would listen once I tell him about my adventure. More than that, this single thought had filled me out and warmed me in a wondrous way, making me oblivious of anything else. Why can’t it always be that way?
Slowly I become aware of what caused me waking up. Much to my relieve it isn’t wetness, but somebody talking. I recognize mommy’s voice and guessing she is talking with someone on the phone I decide to surprise her. A mischievous grin creeps on my face and I turn to Scully.
"Let us sneak on mommy," I whisper to him and though I no longer believe he listens or even answers I imagine his eyes sparkling.
Taking him with me I let myself slide to the ground. I’m still wearing just a shirt and a dry training pant and the feel of the ground on my feet makes me remember the sand in the sandpit. Smiling even more I sneak on my toes out of my room. Being in the floor and ready to look around the corner into the kitchen where mommy is speaking I hear another voice. Someone is with mommy, but I can’t identify the voice at first.
"It is really so strange. I mean it seems like yesterday when the AR-virus first appeared and everyone thought it was a joke. Then we were scarred. Now we live with it. I just wanted to say how sorry I’m for avoiding you after John’s change."
Miss Dormin, our neighbor downstairs. I should be happy, but scowl for I hadn’t noticed her avoiding us. Then again, I had been too busy feeling sorry for myself the last months.
"You were scarred for Calli," mommy comforts her.
"Still I shouldn’t have been so cold," she stops. "He is a toddler now? I mean mental?"
"Most of the time," mommy lies. "You saw what I shopped today. If he continues this way I’ll put him in diapers."
I grin at this, but at the same time this makes me aware of a pressure on my bladder and bowel. Normally I would sneak back in my room since I don’t mean to be caught eavesdropping, but I fear the pressure won’t allow me to wait until the talk is over. The chart on the bathroom door has no circle yet, meaning I haven’t made poo-poo in my training-pants yet, so maybe it is time to do so now.
No. I don’t know how long the talk will continue and I wouldn’t be able to present myself to our neighbor with a cold mess on my behind. I would turn red all over and she would find out I’m mentally still an adult. Better to pretend a little. Holding Scully close with my left arm and rubbing my eyes with my right I toddle in the kitchen.
"Mommy," I say, ignoring our neighbor and placing my head on mommy’s lap.
"Oh Johnny," mommy says smiling, picks me up and places me in her lap. "Do you know who this is?"
I look at our neighbor, weighing my decision and hoping to look confused enough.
"Good," mommy praises me. "And how is her last name? How do you always call her?"
Now I stay by my confused look, letting my right forefinger wander to my as if to think about it, only to enter my mouth. A perfect pretend of a concentrated toddler.
"It is Mrs. Dormin, isn’t it Johnny?" mommy asks, removing my hand from my mouth.
I nod, looking insecure and look up at her confused. Mommy smiles and rustles my hair.
"He tries very hard," she says to Mrs. Dormin "Tomorrow he might remember better."
"Of course," Mrs. Dormin replies. "You are a clever boy, aren’t you John?"
I giggle and nod, proud of the words, though because I have convinced her and not because of the praise in it. Nevertheless Mrs. Dormin and mommy laugh. Then they begin to talk about the new landlord, the rent and other things. I know I should care, at last in secret, but sitting in mommies lap with Scully sitting in my own it seems to be just so unbelievable far away. Leaned against he breast, her right arm around my stomach and having her left softly go through my hair, I feel as warm and protected that I nearly doze again, when I emit a slight fart and feel the pressure in bladder and bowels again.
"Huh," mommy notices. "Did you just fart Johnny?"
I shake my head in foolish denial, just like Kevin earlier today and it makes me feel strangely clever.
"Do you need to go on toilet?"
I nod, happy she thought of it.
"Well then," mommy says, placing me on the floor and standing up while holding my hand. "Let’s hurry."
I expect her to lead me into the bathroom and would have run ahead if she wouldn’t hold my hand. She does this probably because she knows it for she doesn’t lead me into the bathroom but to the sink. I have only time to think that she can’t be serious when she opens the cupboard and pulls my potty out of it. With Mrs. Dormin around I can’t protest, worse I subconsciously and visibly shift my weight from one foot to the other, my hand wandering to my groin on its own.
~Pottydance~ I think.
I barely manage to fight the urge to hold my training pant, when mommy pulls it down, revealing my butt to the neighbor. Good I’m not facing her, for my face feels like it burns. No sooner I think this than mommy lifts me up, pulls my training-pant from my feet and with a skillfull movement places me on the potty. Still feeling stunned I barely notice she removes Scully from my hand and want to protest, before she place him in front of me, besides my training-pant.
"Do potty while I talk with Mrs. Dormin, dear," mommy says before turning to our neighbor who looks a bit surprised. "After he fell into the toilet he is scarred of it and don’t want to sit on it, even with the toddler seat I bought him."
"Oh the poor thing," our neighboor croons "Calli had the same trouble when we potty-trained her."
I don’t look at her, but star in the air, my bladder and penis suddenly sealed shut. The adults talk with each other again, ignoring me, but I still can’t let go. I look at my little toes, touching them. How long before Mrs. Dormin becomes suspicious? I can’t say, but know this kind of thinking won’t help me, so I concentrate on Scully. My friend looks at me in a way I imagine being supportive and I give him a slight grin. Maybe I should tell him about my day out now. The thought that I just could bring him with me next time comes to my mind and my grin widens. We would make a great team. Maybe I could place him on the top of the next castle I build.
Suddenly my bladder and bowels relax without me having consciously ordered it or even feeling able to stop it. A my potty is filling I stay concentrated on Scully, imagining him in a pirate nest or flying above me as I build a sandcastle. I must really have been into it, for suddenly mommy stands in front of me, holding baby wipes, without me having noticed her moving.
I’m actually not quite sure and need a moment to have my mind pay really attention to it. Finally I nod. Mommy lifts me from my potty, leaving my penis exposed.
"A wee wee and poo poo," she comments. "You don’t need a diaper."
"Big boy!" I reply, knowing it is a game.
Mommy nods in playful seriousness and begins cleaning my front and behind. I can feel Mrs. Dormin’s eyes on me and try to go over this by talking with mommy about something important.
"Can Scully come with us next time?"
"To the playground?"
"We are pirates!" I say grinning.
"You sure are," mommy agrees and throws the baby-wipes in the potty. "Feets up."
With this she steadies me while she puts the training-pant back on me.
"Back in your pirate underwear!" mommy notices "Go play."
I don’t let myself say this twice, grab Scully and run out of the kitchen without looking at Mrs. Dormin again. Once I reach my room I quickly discover my truck and begin playing with it. Any worry of if I managed to fool her slowly vanishes as I sink into a world where I and Scully are firemen. I am on my stomach, making the sound of fire-alarms while pushing the fire-truck back and forth when I hear the sound of the door closing. Turning around I notice mommy standing in the door to my room, smiling at me in a strange way.
"You did this very good." she says.
I smile, too and then turn back to my fire-truck. It just seems more important right now.
A little later I and mommy sit in the kitchen for dinner. As feared she has made sprout.
"They are cooked very tender," she tries to console me. "Do try."
I nod, but eat the smashed potatoes and small sausages first, before I even take a bite of one. Any hope that my taste buds have changed along with my age evaporates quickly and I push the rest aside. Mommy sighs, having finished her own plate already and moves to me.
"Since you are such a picky eater.", she notices and puts something around my neck. "Let’s do it this way."
I look at my breast and notice a bib with a giraffe on it. When I look up I notice mommy has picked up the half of a spout I left lying. I make a face but open my mouth. Hoping to get it down before the taste reaches my brain I swallow, but it is too much and I cough pieces of it up, partly on my chin, partly on my bib.
"Good I bought a stock," mommy jokes as she cleans my face with the bib. "Let’s try smaller portions."
After I’ve finished half my spouts mommy cleans my face and sends me to play. I do so in front of the TV while watching another episode of Jack and the Neverland Pirates and using my blocks to make a tower. Too soon the show ends and mommy proclaims it is bathtime. Grinning I make the tower fall down. I make a cross in my diaper training chart and then follow her into the bath where she undresses me. It is funny how being naked in front of her doesn’t bother me anymore. Maybe soon I won’t be bothered with being naked in front of strangers, too, though I can’t see myself there just yet.
While I’m put into the warm water I wonder how it could really have been just three days. It seems so much longer. Mommy puts my boat in front of me and I quickly let go of such big thoughts. She begins rubbing me with a washcloth while I make the boat go through mountains of foam, hunting for a big pirate treasure. I can nearly see it in my mind! Finally mommy puts shampoo on my head. I know it is baby-shampoo because of Mickey on it and once I smell it, it seems to wake a slight recollection. Do I remember it from when I was a toddler the first time? Or from babysitting Calli? It doesn’t matter, I like the smell and that it doesn’t hurt my eyes.
Finally mommy declares me done, lifts me out of the bath and puts me into a big white fluffy towel she uses to rub me dry. After also drying my hair while I clean my teeth she carries me on her hip to he living room. The pack with night-time-training-pants is on the table, but first she creams my groin area and behind with baby cream. This feels good! Then she pulls out a night-time training-pant and puts it on me. For a moment the training-pant feels really thick and makes me spread my legs a bit more, then I adjust, but the feeling of thickness prevails. It is much better than my normal training-pants and I wonder how this stands compared to a real diaper. I go or rather toddle to the big mirror and look at the car in front of the training-pant.
Looking at mommy I notice she holds a flashlight.
"I have a surprise for you," she tells me, kneels in front of me and begins shining at my training-pant with it. Then she steps away, switches off the light and I gasp in surprise.
The training-pant glows!
It is a yellow glow illuminating the car with the friendly face. So cool! I think for a moment I must be the coolest kid in the city before realizing that there many other kids with these night-time training-pants, too, but does this diminish the feeling of euphoria? Not a bit! I look up at mommy.
"Thank you mommy!"
"You look cool!"
I nod grinning widely and begin to jump up and down in front of the mirror. If I stay up I could pretend being a ghost, or a driver or...
"Foot up." mommy stops my train of thought.
I obey instinctively and see how she puts my right foot in something I first believe to be a sock. It isn’t sooner than my left foot is put into one too that I realize I’m wrong. Mother puts my arms though sleeves, zips the front and finally allows me to view myself in the mirror. The footed sleeper with the stars fits perfectly on me and I instantly feel warm and protected in it, so that I forget the shining training-pant instantly. Have I ever before realized how beautiful and calming such a sleeper looks?
Mommy picks me up and I give her a hug.
"I love you mommy."
"I love you, too Johnny," she tells me, patting my back "Forever and ever."
It feels good to be able to say such things and even better to be able to be told them.
In front of my bed she stops and pushes back the sheet, revealing the bed mat on the bed.
I nod, curling my toes and loving the feeling of the fabric against them.
"I feared you weren’t surprised about the glow," mommy notices as she tucks me into bed besides Scully who is already waiting for me.
I shake my head. "I only looked at the cars."
She softly goes through my hair.
"This is just the right thing to do," she says. "If you keep doing this you will find there will be lots and lots of funny things waiting for you you hadn’t thought of before."
I think about this and realize mommy is right. The world was more interesting the less you knew and she would always be there to surprise me. I hadn’t bothered to look at the clock today and found the division of the day in wake time, meal time and play time to be much more sensible than hours. Hours were so boring. Just days before I had looked at hours and hadn’t known what to do with them and now I have so many games I didn’t want to go to bed at all. Still there is nothing to do against it, for it is bed-time and I’m a good boy. All good boys go to bed at bed time. I smile.
"See," mommy notices, reflecting my smile. "Now let us see what bed time brings."
With this she takes something from under my bed and places it on the desk. Then she puts a cable in the socket and I’m left open mouthed at what I see. There are night-lights wandering over the walls. Rockets and stars, sun and moon, Astronaut and comet. All smiley and so very bright. I smile, too, but it freezes, if just for a moment.
"You still worry wetting the bed?"
"Oh darling," she says, sitting down besides me on the bed and again going through my hair. "You deserve a bit of rest for it was such a busy day. Luckily mummy knows what little boys need."
With this she again takes something from under the bed and shows it to me. It is a book. A book for toddler. Its title says...
"It is called ’Goodnight Moon’," mommy explains "Shall I read it to you?"
I understand and nod to both. Not looking at the silly letters anymore but at the bright picture I snuggle at mommy’s side while she opens the book and begins.
"In the great green room
There was a telephone
And a red balloon
And a picture of..."
I close my heavy eyes and list, though I can’t say if I hear mommy’s voice or imagine it. My last thoughts are: Goodnight world.
To be continued...