As we pulled out of the parking lot of the doctor’s office, Jessica said “Tim, I know you’re upset, but we probably should get those items the doctor suggested, just in case.” I was feeling defiant and defensive, though. Maybe it was finally seeing for the first time how much I had been changing and understanding how much of it was happening without my realizing it. In any event, I went into denial. “Fine. If you say so. But just for nighttime. I have been managing this during the day just fine. It’s probably just a problem with my prostate. Those are common symptoms. The rest of the stuff is probably just stress from work. And what’s wrong with me enjoying time with Ashley? Apparently being a good dad is some kind of disease now?!” Jessica said nothing. She just drove to the pharmacy.
When she parked, she turned and asked whether I wanted to just wait in the car. “No!” I shouted, feeling suddenly terrified at the possibility of being alone in the car. She seemed taken aback by my loud response. “Sorry,” I said, “I’ll come in with you, that’s fine.”
We walked inside, looked around, and found the “adult undergarment” section. Jessica picked up a package of extra large, heavy absorbency. They were the “pull-up” type and supposedly designed to look like regular underwear, even though they obviously weren’t. “Just for nighttime,” I said. As if on cue, I felt my stomach rumble. Oh no! What terrible timing. “Uh,” I said, “I need to go to the bathroom.” I wanted to run in the worst way, but managed a fast trot, leaving Jessica standing in the aisle, holding the package and looking concerned. As I searched frantically for the store restrooms, my stomach rumbled again and I let loose a wet fart. Finally spotting the restrooms, I trotted toward the rear of the store. I grabbed the knob on the men’s room and turned, but it didn’t move.
Locked. I knocked quickly. “Occupied,” came a voice from inside. In desperation, I turned around and tried the women’s room door, also locked. Then I lost it. It was like I was on “auto-pilot.” I grunted, bent over slightly, and stuck my rear end out. A huge, stinky mess slid right out into my pants. I wasn’t pushing or anything - it was just sliding out. Incredibly, I felt more inside me. I grunted again and another load came out with a noisy fart. At almost the same moment, I felt my bladder let go and soak the front of my pants. It was like an out of body experience. Once it was over, I sank to the floor, feeling the mess squish as I sat down on it. I stuck my thumb in my mouth and started to cry, wondering where Jessica was. The door to the women’s room opened, the women stepped out and looked down. “Oh dear!” she said. The smell hit her and she took a step back, covering her nose. At that moment, Jessica came around the corner. I could see, for a moment, the shock and horror in her eyes. But, just as quickly, she gathered herself and said “Don’t worry, honey, we’ll take care of this.” I looked at her and was filled with feelings of trust and love. She was amazing. I felt like there wasn’t anything she couldn’t do.
The store manager was kind enough to let us use his office. They had plenty of wet wipes. I made no protest as Jessica handed me an adult diaper. My defiant days were over. Jessica had her workout bag in the car, which included a pair of yoga pants. They were ridiculously short and tight on me, but it was the best we could do. Because the pants were so tight, the bulge of the diaper was obvious to anyone. It also made a slight crinkling sound when I walked. On some level, I knew I should feel embarrassed. But, mostly I just felt relaxed. For the last few weeks, I had lived in constant anxiety about having an accident. Now, as I walked out of the pharmacy holding Jessica’s hand, I felt safe and calm, knowing that I was protected in case of an accident and that Jessica would take care of everything.