Chapter 6
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Emma helped Jack to climb onto a chair in Doctor Palmer’s office and then took a seat next to him.
“Jack, how have you been?” Doctor Palmer inquired.
He looked up at the bespectacled Doctor, but he was struggling to put his thoughts into words.
“Umm well...” Jack hesitated.
“He was reading a book yesterday and well, I’ll let him explain the rest.” Emma interjected.
“Go on...” Doctor Palmer said.
Jack took a deep breath and stared at the wall.
“Well I was reading a book, one I’ve read before. I didn’t recognize some of the words,” he revealed.
“I see, which words didn’t you recognize?” Doctor Palmer asked, as he picked up a pen and flipped through a notepad.
“In...Intercepted and circumference.” Jack stuttered.
The Doctor scratched his beard and furrowed his brow.
“When you say that you didn’t recognize the words, do you mean that you couldn’t remember the meaning of the words? Or did the words themselves seem unfamiliar to you?” Doctor Palmer quizzed.
Jack could recall thinking that the words must have come from a different language.
“Both. I felt like I’d never seen them before, but I must have, because I’ve read that book before.” Jack replied.
“I had to explain what they meant to him. He was looking at me like I was crazy.” Emma interrupted.
Doctor Palmer tore a piece of paper from the notepad and began scribbling down notes.
“When she explained the meaning of the words to you, did that jog your memory?” he asked.
Jack shook his head.
“No, they sounded like made up words. Like I was hearing them for the first time,” he replied.
“Your brain has adapted to this change remarkably well, quite frankly it’s a miracle that you can still recognize anyone. But this is a new symptom and we should monitor you for signs of mental decline.” Doctor Palmer explained.
Emma gasped audibly. Jack looked at her and noticed that she was wringing her hands nervously. Her brow furrowed and she glanced at Jack, then looked back at the Doctor.
“Doctor, do you think it could get worse?” she queried.
“To be honest I don’t know, it’s the first time that this has ever happened in medical history,” he replied, “it’s possible that Jack’s brain just lost some information whilst his neural pathways were being re-organized. It might not happen again,” he continued.
“Might not?” Jack stated, squirming anxiously.
Doctor Palmer took a deep breath and glanced at his computer, before turning his attention back towards Jack.
“Your brain is smaller than it used to be, it’s possible that it’s struggling to retain all of the information that was stored in your adult brain,” he clarified, “so it might be making more space, like deleting files from a computers hard drive when it’s memory is full,” he added.
“Can you stop it?” Jack asked.
“Well, there’s still a lot that we don’t understand about the brains of infants. Certain areas of the brain that are associated with memory storage don’t develop fully until around the age of three or four. Your brain might be rejuvenating in the same way that your body did,” he replied.
Jack’s mind raced. He wondered how long he might have left before he lost all of his memories.
“But somebody must be able to help me.” Jack pleaded.
“We’ll perform another scan and in the meantime I need to consult with one of my colleagues, wait here.” Doctor Palmer instructed.
After the Doctor had left the room Emma looked at Jack and smiled nervously. He recognized that smile, he knew that she was trying to put on a brave face.
“It’ll be okay,” she said, but she didn’t sound convinced.
Jack perched himself on the edge of his seat and fidgeted nervously. Five minutes later Doctor Palmer returned and led them down a corridor into another room. Jack stared up at the huge MRI scanner and frowned.
“I believe you’ve already met our radiographer, Paul.” Doctor Palmer stated.
“Yeah, I think he did the last scan,” Emma replied, as she nodded in Paul’s direction.
“It’s good to see you both again. Please can you help Jack up onto the table and we can make a start.” Paul advised.
Emma bent down and positioned her hands under Jack’s armpits, before lifting him up onto the bed. The radiographer tried to reassure Jack as he entered the scanner and reminded him to stay still. Jack was unsettled by the loud noises being made by the scanner, but he managed to regain his focus and lie motionless.
After the scan was complete, they were led back into Doctor Palmers office, where they were left to wait. They sat quietly for some time, the silence was occasionally punctuated by the sound of Emma tapping her foot. She briefly attempted to engage in small talk about the weather, but Jack barely responded.
Sometime later, Doctor Palmer returned to the room carrying a clipboard.
“Did you find anything Doctor?” Emma inquired.
Doctor Palmer adjusted his glasses and squinted at the notes.
“It’s too early to say for certain, I think Jack’s brain might still be changing, but...” he replied.
Doctor Palmer paused and bit his lip, he appeared reluctant to finish the sentence.
“But what?” Emma asked.
“But the good news is I’ve just been speaking to one of my colleagues and we might have another option,” he revealed.
“What is it?” Jack asked.
Doctor Palmer sat down at his desk and pulled his seat closer to Jack. Then he paused for a moment and gazed at Jack apprehensively, as though he was reluctant to share the information.
“It’s a relatively new drug that might slow down cognitive decline,” he explained, “but I should caution you that it’s not a cure and it wasn’t designed to treat your condition, so we must also consider the risks,” he warned.
“Let’s do it.” Jack asserted, without hesitation.
Jack glanced up at Emma and thought that she might be about to say something. She opened her mouth to speak but then stopped herself.
“Please think carefully about this, we can’t anticipate what side effects there might be. I’m giving you this option now, but my recommendation would be to wait for a few days before starting treatment.” Doctor Palmer advised.
“Wait? Why?” Jack queried.
The Doctor placed the clipboard on his desk and clasped his hands.
“Because we still don’t know how quickly your brain is changing or even the extent to which it will change, I suggest performing further tests before we start the treatment,” he replied.
Jack was frightened by the idea of waiting longer, his mind was all that he had left.
“But in a few days I might not even remember my own name.” Jack protested.
“You don’t know that will happen. What if this drug has dangerous side effects?” Emma interjected.
He understood her concern, but nothing scared him more than the possibility of losing his memories and his identity.
“And what if I don’t take it and I lose my mind?” Jack replied.
“If you choose to start this treatment now you must report any possible side effects to me as soon as they happen. We can perform another scan on Tuesday, in the meantime contact me if you start to feel unwell.” Doctor Palmer explained.
Emma bit her lip and looked down nervously at Jack.
“Jack, are you sure this is the right thing to do?” she asked.
“I want to start now,” he insisted.
Doctor Palmer pulled his chair back up to his desk and began typing on his computer keyboard.
“Okay, I’ll write you a prescription. But I want you to call by again on Tuesday afternoon so we can run some more tests.” Doctor Palmer instructed.
“Thanks, we will do.” Jack replied.
“In the meantime I suggest you stay mentally stimulated, read or do puzzles, anything to keep your brain active.” Doctor Palmer advised.
Emma picked up her handbag and began rummaging through it.
“Is there a pharmacy nearby?” she asked.
“Three blocks away on 22nd Avenue.” Doctor Palmer revealed.
“Thankyou doctor. We could call there on our way home, Jack.” she suggested.
It suddenly dawned on him that he might have to go into the pharmacy with her. Jack balked at the idea, he didn’t want to be seen in public.
“Wait, I don’t want to go in...I mean, I don’t want people to see me.” Jack stuttered.
Emma glanced down at Jack and raised her eyebrows.
“Well I can’t leave you in the car, but I suppose I could go pick up the medicine myself and then come back here for you,” she suggested, “is it okay if he waits here doctor?” she queried.
“Sure, the pharmacy is only five minutes away.” Doctor Palmer replied.
The doctor finished writing the prescription and handed it to Emma, who folded it in half and placed it in her purse.
“Thanks, I’ll be back soon.” Emma said, as she stood up.
Jack looked up at her with a grateful smile, but to his surprise she strolled out of the room without even glancing at him.
He squirmed impatiently in his seat whilst he waited for Emma to return.
“Is there anything else you’d like to discuss before you go? Any questions?” Doctor Palmer asked.
“No, thankyou.” Jack replied, shaking his head.
He had a lot of questions on his mind, but he was frightened of what the answers to those questions might be. They both sat in silence for ten minutes whilst Doctor Palmer continued to work diligently at his computer.
When Emma returned from the pharmacy she appeared flustered. Jack recognized that look on her face, but he assumed that she had been irritated by another driver or by someone at the store.
“Did you get it?” Jack queried.
“Yeah, I think we’re ready to go,” Emma replied.
Jack peered down at the ground and decided that he would attempt to climb down from his seat without Emma’s assistance.
“Oh before you go.” Doctor Palmer interjected.
The room fell silent for a moment and Jack wondered whether he might be about to receive more bad news.
“You need to take two of those pills every day with a meal, the instructions should be on the bottle,” he advised, “remember, if you start to feel unwell then call me,” he added.
Jack let out a sigh of relief and then climbed down to the floor. He thanked Doctor Palmer before following Emma out of the room and into a corridor. As they walked through the corridor together, Emma made a conscious effort to walk slowly so that Jack could keep up pace with her. Whenever they encountered a door, Emma would stop to hold it open so that Jack could pass through.
Once they were outside Emma paused momentarily and surveyed her surroundings, trying to remember where she had parked the car.
“It’s this way,” she said, motioning for Jack to follow her.
When they reached the car, Jack climbed into his car seat and Emma buckled him in. After she had taken her place in the drivers seat she sat in silence for a few moments and collected her thoughts.
“Well it could be worse, at least they have medicine that can help you,” she remarked, as she turned the ignition key and the engine roared to life.
“Maybe. I just...don’t want to talk about it right now.” Jack replied gloomily.
When the car turned out of the parking lot Jack caught a glimpse of the hospital through the window, he knew that he would have to go back there soon and he wondered what condition he would be in when he returned. He stared out of the window at the passing rooftops whilst he contemplated his future, his body had been taken from him and now he was facing the possibility of losing his intellect as well.
His stomach grumbled and he started to feel a little unwell. He wasn’t sure why, but something felt wrong. He wriggled around in his seat to try and find a more comfortable position. As the seconds passed by he began to notice a dull pain in his stomach, like a pressure that was gradually building. Then he suddenly realized what was happening.
Please, not now, he thought.
But before he could finish the thought, he felt a large mass pushing its way out of his anus. By the time he had realized what was happening, it was already too late. Within seconds he could feel warm feces squashed between his buttocks. There was a brief respite, then seconds later he felt more fecal matter forcing its way through his sphincter.
The smell hit his nostrils almost instantaneously. The feeling of sitting in his own excrement was bad enough, but knowing that Emma would soon smell his accident felt unbearable. Barely a minute had passed by when he heard Emma clearing her throat.
“Jack, have you done a...you know?” she queried.
He burned with shame and wished that the ground would swallow him up.
“I’m sorry.” Jack muttered, closing his eyes.
“It’s okay, it’s not your fault.” Emma said reassuringly.
“I know, I just...why me?” he asked, dejectedly.
“Things will get easier. Look, when we get home I’ll help you get cleaned up,” she offered.
He didn’t want her help, he wanted to be able to do it himself. He knew that his previous attempts at changing his own diaper had ended in abject failure, but he was determined to try again.
He winced as Emma lowered the car windows to let in the fresh air. He remained silent for the rest of the journey home and quietly prayed that he would be able to retain at least some measure of dignity.
When they arrived home and Emma bent down to unbuckle him, he was sure that she was trying to hold her breath. When he climbed down out of his car seat he became immediately conscious of how hard it was to walk in a full diaper. Every step that he took reminded him that he had soiled himself.
He waddled into the house and made his way towards the restroom. He hoped that he would be able to clean himself up before Emma attempted to help him. But when he tried to take his jeans off he fumbled around awkwardly and he had only managed to pull them down to his ankles when Emma entered the room.
“Here, let me help you. It’ll be easier to do this if you lie down on the floor.” Emma suggested.
“It’s okay, I can do it.” Jack replied.
Bending down he attempted to pull the jeans free of his ankles, but he stumbled and almost fell over.
“Jack, will you please just lie down on the floor and let me help you get cleaned up?” she insisted.
At the second attempt, he managed to fully remove his jeans.
“I’m not going to lie down like a baby, it’s demeaning. Leave me to it, I’ll be careful.” Jack protested.
“It’s not about...” Emma said, before stopping to take a deep breath.
“Look, you don’t have the motor control in your hands to be able to do this by yourself, you’re going to make a mess and there’ll be poop all over our restroom,” she asserted, folding her arms.
Jack waddled over to a packet of baby wipes in the corner of the room and picked them up.
“I don’t care...I mean, I’ll...I’ll clean it up afterwards.” Jack stuttered.
Emma sighed in exasperation and unfolded her arms, before placing her hands on her hips.
“You’re really going to smear shit everywhere just to protect your ego?” she snapped.
As he waddled back towards the center of the room, the packet of wipes slipped from his grasp and tumbled to the floor. He looked down at the wipes and grunted in frustration. He knew that he was going to make a mess if he attempted it on his own.
“You’re being ridiculous. Please, just lie down and let me help you.” Emma petitioned.
He felt like crying, but he knew that lying down was the right thing to do. He let out a soft whimper and sat down on the floor.
“Fine!” he mewled.
Emma took a clean diaper from a cupboard and casually tossed it on the floor. Then she knelt down on the floor in front of Jack and gestured for him to lie down. When his head touched the floor he closed his eyes and shuddered, he knew that he would never live this down.
Emma reached down and unfastened the tapes on his diaper. Jack continued to keep his eyes closed, he couldn’t bare to look at her. He could feel the dirty diaper being pulled away from his skin, exposing his crotch. Although the cool air on his skin felt refreshing, the stench of feces was overpowering.
“Jack, I need to lift your legs up.” Emma explained.
Before he could respond, he could feel her hands wrapped around his ankles. His legs were lifted into the air and then he could feel a cold wet wipe being rubbed against his buttocks. He clenched his fists and tried to imagine that he was somewhere else.
Emma continued to clean his skin with the wet wipes, pausing occasionally to gag and pull a new wipe from the packet. He felt completely emasculated.
Holding him by the ankles, she slid a clean diaper underneath him.
“Jack, I want to ask you a question.” Emma revealed.
“Huh?” Jack grunted, opening his eyes.
“Jack, have you ever cheated on me?” Emma queried.
He gazed up at her in bewilderment, temporarily caught off guard by the question. He felt vulnerable, he was naked and his feet were still being held aloft. He wondered whether she had somehow found out about Louise, but he was too scared to tell her the truth.
“No...no way, never.” Jack insisted.
“And that’s the truth?” Emma quizzed.
“Yeah, why would you ask that?” he replied.
Emma shook her head and lowered his ankles back to the floor.
“Yesterday, whilst you were sleeping, your phone rang,” she announced, “I answered it, guess who was on the other end,” she went on.
Jack’s heart sank. He hadn’t seen Louise in months, but they still messaged each other occasionally. It suddenly dawned on him that she had messaged him prior to the experiment at the laboratory and that he had forgotten to reply. He wondered whether she might have tried to call him to find out why he hadn’t replied to her message.
“Emma, I...I can explain.” Jack stammered.
“You can explain? Explain what? I spoke to Louise, I saw the messages on your phone.” Emma bristled.
He was still conscious that he was naked from the waist down and he hoped to be able to postpone the argument until he felt less vulnerable.
“I...can we talk about this later?” Jack asked.
“No, we’re talking about it now. Did you cheat on me with Louise?” Emma demanded.
Jack now felt smaller than he had done at any point since the accident. Emma was looking down at him with a steely gaze, he tried to avoid making eye contact with her. He reasoned that since Emma knew Louise’s name, they must have had a conversation. He decided that attempting to conceal the truth was now more dangerous than confessing.
“I’m sorry.” Jack muttered.
“So when I asked you whether you’d ever cheated on me before, you were lying when you said ‘no’, weren’t you?” Emma asked.
He stared at the ceiling and struggled to come up with an appropriate answer, he felt trapped.
“Well?” she hissed.
“Yes.” Jack said meekly.
She glared down at him and shook her head.
“And if I hadn’t discovered the truth you would’ve carried on lying to me wouldn’t you?” she chided.
He had actually considered confessing to Emma a month prior to the accident, but he had only slept with Louise once and he had thought it would do more harm than good to tell her.
“No...I wanted to tell you.” Jack protested.
“You wanted to tell me? Now you’re lying to me and lying to yourself. I just gave you a chance to come clean and you didn’t.” Emma sneered.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen.” Jack stammered.
Emma stood up and walked over to the sink, where she began washing her hands. Jack sat up to look at her, he was still naked from the waist down and a clean diaper was spread out between his legs. After cleaning her hands Emma walked towards the doorway.
“Change your own fucking diaper,” she yelled, as she stormed out of the room.
Jack sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Then he fumbled around with the clean diaper and clumsily tried to tape it shut around his body. After several attempts, he finally managed to get the tapes to stick correctly, but when he stood up the diaper felt too loose. Putting his jeans back on proved to be another trying experience, but he got there eventually. After getting dressed he decided to stay out of Emma’s way and give her some time to cool off.
He sat on the floor in the bedroom and stared at the wall for what seemed like an eternity, trying to think of something to say to her. He could hear her preparing dinner in the kitchen and he hoped that she would make him some too, it was yet another reminder of how dependent on her he had become.
When he heard footsteps coming towards the bedroom he mentally prepared himself for an argument. When Emma entered the room she was carrying a plate and a small glass of water, without saying a word she placed them on the floor in front of him. He was relieved that she had at least still made dinner for him.
Then she pulled a small pill bottle out of her pocket and unscrewed the lid, before emptying the contents into her hand.
“You need to take two of these with your meal,” Emma stated, as she bent down and placed two small pills on the side of his plate.
He thought that she sounded as though she had calmed down and he wondered whether she might actually forgive him.
“Thanks.” Jack replied meekly.
“Oh and you’re sleeping on the couch tonight,” she announced.
