What Emma Wants

Chapter Description: In the cafeteria, there are some unwelcome guests at the table... Or maybe they aren't quite as unwelcome as Emma would like.

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“What are you up to?” I asked as I bit into my sandwich and looked at Nicole.

“Just practicing my writing.” Nicole replied.

I looked down at the paper and suddenly my sandwich felt a little harder to swallow. Nicole’s penmanship looked very competent. I marvelled at how her fingers and hand made small movements as she scrawled the words on the page. The letters were a little irregular and shaky, but she was doing it. All the girls my age could read, we were taught that just a little later than the boys, but writing was a different matter since that required coordination we just didn’t have. I had spent a lot of time trying but I could never make my scribblings intelligible.

“It looks great…” I said unenthusiastically. My jealousy was impossible to hide. It seemed so unfair that Nicole was seemingly effortlessly able to do all the things I wished I could.

As I got my lunch out of my bag I tried to ignore the fact that Liam was staring at me. He was none too subtle about his attraction to me which was annoying because I was doing my best to show that it wasn’t something I reciprocated. He didn’t seem to get the message.

“Hi Emma.” Liam said with much more enthusiasm than he had shown talking to Zoe. It was like he’d hit “restart at last checkpoint” in a video game and decided to try having a conversation with me again, “You look great today!”

“Thanks…” I replied without looking up from my sandwich.

“That dress really suits you.” Liam continued, “It really complements your eyes.”

I snorted. My dress was ridiculously infantile. I didn’t bother responding to Liam’s clumsy compliments. I didn’t want to encourage him or make him think that he was getting anywhere with me. Whereas most random guys heard a “no” and moved on to the next girl they saw, Liam seemed besotted with me. It was very annoying.

“Does this “B” look good to you?” Nicole asked as she pointed at one of the letters on the paper, “I think the top part is too small.”

“It’s perfect.” I had to admit with barely contained jealousy.

“What about my dress?” Zoe asked Liam with a wide smile, “Does it compliment me as well?”

“Yeah, I guess…” Liam shrugged. He had barely even glanced at her, but Zoe still giggled as if the compliment had been sincere.

I was just thinking of getting up and leaving the cafeteria, since everyone was annoying me, when I looked up and saw the new guy, Jacob, coming in. Suddenly I didn’t feel so keen on leaving. I was going red in the face, and I hated that my body and mind were betraying me like this. I couldn’t have a crush; it went completely against my plans to grow up as soon as possible. As I ate another bite of my sandwich, I glanced up from the corner of my eyes to see Jacob was walking over.

“Crap…” I muttered.

“Jacob, how are you doing?” Liam said as Jacob reached the table, “You find all your classes OK?”

“Just about.” Jacob replied with a laugh, “Though I think I nearly enrolled with the girls at one point.”

I heard Zoe and Nicole either side of me laugh. I felt a strange flare up of emotion, as if I wanted to tell my friends to back off. But that wouldn’t be right. It wasn’t like I wanted Jacob at all. No, I needed to focus on improving my coordination so I could get out of these stupid girl’s classes, get out of diapers, and have a career. It didn’t matter that I was seemingly behind other girls in the class who weren’t even trying, I was due a spurt of development... Any time now. That’s what I told myself at least.

I tried to act casually as Jacob talked to Liam but was finding it difficult. I was hyper-aware of every little movement I made, and suddenly nothing seemed natural, I felt like people were staring at me. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

“Hello.” Zoe said to Jacob. It felt like she was betraying me, “I’m Zoe, this is Emma and that is Nicole. It’s nice to meet you.”

I briefly glanced up when Zoe said my name. I noticed that even as Zoe introduced herself and Nicole, Liam’s attention remained on me. I quickly looked away.

“So, I heard about a dance coming up?” Jacob said.

“Oh, yes, the Prom!” Zoe nodded her head. She looked pointedly at Liam, “It’s very important.”

“It is?” Jacob replied. Why was it that every word he said seemed to penetrate the walls I otherwise surrounded myself with?

“Of course!” Zoe said, “It’s the last chance for us girls to find a man before school ends. It’s one of the best days of a girl’s life!”

I rolled my eyes. If a stupid high school dance was one of the best days of a girl’s life, then I simply didn’t want to be a girl. To be fair to my friend, I would agree it was an important day, but I would do so from a very different perspective. Rather than seeing it as a chance to find a man I saw it as a door slamming closed. It was a deadline. I had to be out of the girl’s classes by Prom, which happened at the end of the school year, or I had failed. I felt a lurch in my stomach as I imagined such a future.

“I see.” Jacob said. He nodded his head sagely. I was sure he was already perfectly aware of all this, “And all you girls have dates?”

We shook our heads. I immediately regretted it. Why was I joining in with this farce? Why was I listening to all this nonsense? I had an urge to get up and run away. I could see that both Liam and Jacob were looking at me in particular. I was starting to feel like the last piece of meat at the barbeque being eyed up by two hungry dogs.

“Well, that won’t do.” Liam said with a big smile, “Maybe we can help these lovely ladies out. What do you think?”

I could see that Liam was looking at Jacob with a big smile. I wanted to slap it right off his face. Jacob, for his part, seemed to be resisting the urge I was sure all men had to treat us girls as pathetic dependents. He wouldn’t fool me though; I’d seen more than enough other guys trying to pull the same trick in the name of getting a date.

“How about it, Emma?” Jacob said, “Do you want to go to the Prom with me? It doesn’t have to be anything serious. Just a bit of fun.”

I looked up at Jacob’s perfect face and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I saw his perfectly even smile full of gleaming white teeth, the slight stubble on the lower half of his face which seemed to emphasise his masculine features and the way he stood with confidence. A confidence that had allowed him to ask someone he’d never even met to go to the most important dance of the year. I cursed myself for even showing the slightest bit of interest. He was just like all the others.

“No.” I replied. I didn’t even give him the courtesy of a polite “thank you”. Hopefully it would be enough to get him to go away so he would stop distracting me from what I really needed to do.

“I’m free.” Zoe quickly said as she looked at the two boys. I didn’t think her desperation was very becoming.

I turned to look at Nicole’s writing again. She seemed to be so hyper-fixated on getting her letters right that she had missed the whole discussion taking place right next to her. I envied both her coordination and focus.

I was just waiting on Jacob to pounce on Emma next. I’d rejected him and that meant his interest in me was over. I knew from prior experience that, once rejected, a guy would go on to the next girl until he caught one in his net. With Zoe declaring her interest I almost felt like Liam and Jacob would start bidding on her as if she were a precious item up for auction.

“I’ll see you all later.” Jacob said, “It was nice meeting you.”

“Wait up.” Liam called out, “I need to talk to you about that homework we got earlier.”

I was surprised. Jacob hadn’t taken Zoe’s bait, she had practically been undressing him in front of him, but he simply walked away. He had asked me, and only me, for a date. He couldn’t have been genuinely interested in me. That was a preposterous thought. I deliberately made myself as stand-offish as possible to avoid men’s attention, not that it worked judging by the number of guys that had asked me out.

“Are you crazy?” Zoe asked me as soon as the men had departed, “Why’d you turn him down!?”

“You know I’m not interested in any of that.” I replied, “Besides, I don’t even know him.”

“Know him? You saw how hot he is, right?” Zoe shook her head in disbelief, “What else do you need to know?”

Zoe sighed next to me. Despite how I thought she should aim to do better than just being a wife I had to feel bad for her. She was my friend, and I knew that finding a man meant a lot to her. Her interest in Liam couldn’t be clearer if she jumped into his lap and yet I think we all noticed how Liam’s eyes usually fell on me. It was another reason I envied Nicole; she somehow seemed to avoid a lot of the unwanted attention that I got, it was like a magic power, she could just blend into the background.

As I watched Jacob and Liam leaving the cafeteria I felt a flood of warmth in my diaper. I sighed; I never got to enjoy a fully dry disposable for long. The most worrying part for me was how it had come out of nowhere. I had read books on potty training, and I had tried all the techniques I could find but nothing seemed to help. The only result of my efforts was a spanking from Dad a year ago when he found out what I was doing.

“Your potty training is your future husband’s business!” Dad had said sternly, “Not yours!”

It was ridiculous. I carried on trying different things afterwards but with the best will in the world I couldn’t seem to delay soaking my diaper for even a few seconds. I was as un-potty trained as the day I was born.

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