What Emma Wants

Chapter Description: ​Emma is back in class and is trying very hard to catch up to people despite distractions. It doesn't go so well.

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I didn’t need to be told twice to get out of the classroom. Mr. Smith handed me a pass and I kept my face to the floor to avoid looking at my classmates, girls who I was certain were mocking me. I tried to run but the diaper, swollen to its maximum size, prevented any fast movement. Instead, it left me walking awkwardly and dripping more urine with each step, I could practically feel it all sloshing around in my underwear.

I closed the classroom door behind me and went towards reception. I was still sobbing when I reached the window and informed the men working there what Mr. Smith needed. They looked at me with revulsion when they saw the, thankfully thinning, trail of liquid I was leaving behind me. I turned before they could say anything and went through the side door towards the nurses’ hut.

Fortunately, there wasn’t a queue outside the nurse’s hut. I was able to waddle straight in and I was taken to a changing table. It was Nurse Loondis who was looking me up and down.

“Good grief, what happened to you?” Nurse Loondis asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it…” I muttered as I hopped up on to the edge of the table.

My onesie was soaked and was taken off my body. After the nurse had changed my diaper, the onesie was balled up and placed in a plastic bag. It was too wet to wear again, instead I was given a plain white school onesie. I felt fresh shame. The white onesie with the school’s logo was like a badge of shame, there was only one reason a girl would be wearing it. Everyone who looked my way would know I had leaked all over my clothes.

I was given the plastic bag with my soiled onesie once I was in my fresh diaper and sent on my way. I would be carrying it around for the rest of the day, like a visual representation of my absolute failure. The bell rang for lunch as I left the hut, so I started making my way towards the lunchroom. I kept my face towards the ground, I knew I was attracting more looks than usual. People laughed and made comments as I went past. I didn’t blame them. I judged girls in the onesie of shame in a similar way.

By the time I reached the cafeteria it was mostly full. It was as loud as ever; I hadn’t brought my school bag, but I wasn’t particularly hungry anyway. I saw my friends at their usual table, with a start I noticed that Jacob was sitting with Zoe and Nicole. I started heading elsewhere to a different table, I was still mad at all of them, when I heard Zoe’s voice.

“Emma! Over here!” Zoe shouted.

A lot of people turned my way. I took a deep breath and turned towards the table with my friends. I dropped into my usual seat. I was opposite Jacob who gave me a friendly smile then looked down at the onesie I was wearing.

“Interesting outfit.” Jacob said.

“I…” I had barely opened my mouth when Zoe interrupted.

“She leaked.” Zoe said as she bit into a sandwich, “Like, everywhere.”

I looked down at the table. I knew my eyes were still red from the tears that had been stinging them. Zoe was so used to the situation it sometimes seemed like she had no shame about it. In some ways I envied her. If I wasn’t born with a need to be better than I was then I would’ve probably found it a lot easier to be happy with what felt like a half-existence.

“How are you, Emma?” Jacob asked, “You look like you’ve been crying.”

“I haven’t.” I lied defensively, “And I’m fine.”

As I ate my lunch without appetite, I noticed that Jacob was spending a lot of time glancing over towards me even as Zoe was talking to him. Our eyes met a few times and despite myself I was blushing.

“So, then we were doing math, right? And it was so boring. Like, when am I going to have to know how to multiply stuff? Dad says as long as I can add together the shopping list, I’ll be fine. I wish we were learning something more useful like…” Zoe went on and on. She seemed to have no idea that Jacob was only half paying attention to her.

I forced myself to look away from Jacob. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a great many directions to look in otherwise. I glanced around and my eyes fell on Liam who looked a little annoyed and was less talkative than usual. He was just looking down at his food as he ate with a face like thunder. I guessed he was as annoyed at Zoe as I was because of his crush.

“What about you, Emma?” Jacob asked when Zoe paused her motor mouth for air, “Do you like math?”

I shrugged my shoulders without looking towards Jacob. I pointedly looked away to where Nicole was sitting on my other side. She was looking bored. I felt a pang of anxiety. It seemed like she was rapidly moving away from our little friendship group. I couldn’t ignore that she was developing in exactly the way I was desperate to, and she was doing it quickly. It wasn’t just my friendship that had me feeling anxious, there was a sense that she was going to leave me behind. I desperately wanted to develop along with her, but I simply couldn’t. It made me feel panicky. It was as if Nicole was on the last life raft on a sinking ship and I was watching her rowing away as I went down.

“All this Prom stuff is driving me nuts.” I said to Nicole.

“I just ignore it.” Nicole replied.

“Me too.” I said. But as I noticed Jacob glancing my way again, I felt like no matter how much I tried to ignore it, it refused to ignore me.

Zoe was talking about something but when my eyes caught Jacob’s again, I found myself unable to look away. I swallowed nervously as I took in Jacob’s well-defined jaw, his small nose, his deep eyes and long hair. It was like a tunnel had opened up linking us both. The noise of the rest of the cafeteria faded away.

“Jacob? Are you listening to me?” Zoe said rather crossly.

“Of course.” Jacob looked away and the spell was broken.

I swallowed. I was feeling really weird. I packed my half-eaten lunch away and mumbled something about needing to study as I piled it all in my bag. I got away from the table as fast as I could and retreated out of the cafeteria towards the girl’s restroom. The girl’s rooms were practically never used for obvious reasons, but law still required them to exist. I pushed my way into one and went over to the sink to splash my face with cold water. I looked up into the mirror.

“Stop it.” I told myself, “You have a hard enough time as it is. Don’t make this harder for yourself.”

I heard giggling and turned towards one of the stalls. The door was closed but not locked. I walked over and gave it a little push to reveal a boy, and a girl deeply entwined with each other, their lips locked and their hands exploring.

“Oh, erm, sorry…” I mumbled in embarrassment.

It didn’t seem like the two lovers heard me; it didn’t even seem like they had noticed I was even there. That was fine by me. I quickly took my leave and decided I would find another place to hide out until afternoon classes began. In the end I settled on the library.

The library was like a safe haven. There were still restrictions on books in there, as a girl I wasn’t allowed to check out most of the higher end textbooks, but when it came to fiction there were no limits. It was how I had been able to keep myself sane for so long. The one place I could escape my reality was to lose myself in literature. It was also why, in my opinion, I had a pretty extensive vocabulary compared to most of my peers. For all Nicole’s motor skills, I still wagered I knew more words than her.

I wasn’t looking for a book that day though. I simply took my bag over to one of the tables and flopped down into it. I put my head on the table and tried to get some sort of order in my confused mind. It wasn’t long before I heard footsteps and looked up. I was very surprised to see Liam standing next to the table. It seemed like I was destined to have the worst day of my life.

“Do you want to go to the Prom with me?” Liam asked.

I almost burst out laughing. There was no preamble, no asking me how I was or even a quick hello. Liam simply got straight to business. He didn’t even look that happy invested into asking me out. Perhaps, knowing me as well as he did, he knew that my chances of saying yes were very slim. In fact, I was about to turn him down when I paused.

“Why?” I asked, “You’ve barely even spoken to me before.”

“You’re cute.” Liam shrugged, “And available.”

“How romantic…” I muttered.

Liam rolled his eyes. I guessed that he didn’t spend a lot of time thinking romantically about anything. I sighed.

“OK.” I said with a shrug, “Sure.”

“Wait… really!?” Liam’s eyes went super wide.

“Sure, why not?” I said.

“OK.” Liam stood awkwardly next to the table. It was clear he didn’t have much idea what to do next. I could tell he hadn’t expected to get this far.

“I’ll talk to you later.” I said to give Liam an out.

“S-Sure.” Liam nearly walked into a table as he turned to walk away, “Thanks!”

I shook my head. I already felt a little bad. Liam was nice enough, but he had quite traditional views of what girls should be. He was exactly the sort of guy who put me off all men. But… Zoe had a crush on him, and Zoe had asked out Jacob. This felt like a sort of petty revenge, but if Zoe was going to take the only man I could stand to be in a room with, then I would take the one she was clearly crushing on. I almost immediately regretted the impulsive decision I had made but it was already too late to turn back. I had no doubt that as I sat in the library Liam was hurrying back to the canteen where he would tell everyone he had done what no other boy had managed. Get me to agree to a date.

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