What Emma Wants

Chapter Description: It's lunch time as Jacob learns a little about how to help Emma, and then it's back into the living room for a little impromptu homework.

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The new sandwich was placed in front of me, and I looked down at it. I knew what would happen if I picked it up. I would try my best to eat and would end up with food dropping everywhere. I looked up at Jacob, he had sat back down and was taking a bite of his own sandwich. He saw me looking and then he looked down at my sandwich too. I could see him doing the math and realising why my face was turning red.

“Oh, do you want me to…” Jacob started.

“Yes, please.” I mumbled.

“OK, that’s fine.” Jacob said.

I looked down at the tray as Jacob shifted his chair closer to me. The legs squeaked on the floor before Jacob picked up the sandwich on my tray. I felt so pathetic. Even a sandwich was too much for me to reliably feed myself.

“I’ve never done this before.” Jacob said, “Just let me know if I do something wrong, alright?”

I nodded a little and as the sandwich came up to my mouth I took a bite of it. As I chewed, Jacob put down the sandwich and ate some of his own. It was embarrassing and matters weren’t helped by Jacob not saying anything, it was like I could feel him judging me.

“So, you’ve never fed a girl before?” I asked just to fill the silence.

“Yeah, like I said, things are different in our house.” Jacob said, “Mom was potty trained before I was born, and she got her coordination really early. It was actually quite a shock to realise not everyone has had the same experience. Mom and Dad are pretty much equals in our house, Mom even has a part-time job.”

I didn’t say anything. All I could think about was how lucky Jacob’s mom was. I practically seethed with jealousy as I was fed another bit of my sandwich, the difference between what Jacob was used to and what I was presenting could hardly have been greater. For the next little while Jacob talked more about the differences between what he was used to and what he had seen down where I was. I had never heard of families living like Jacob’s did, I never knew it was even a possibility. The idea of being equal had always been a dream, I never knew it could’ve been a reality. It made sense that my family, in this very conservative town, truly believed that by trying to better my set position in life I was acting as some sort of subversive menace, that I needed it beaten out of me, almost literally. To hear that there were some, though not many, that lived a more equal life was like finding out that Atlantis was real, it changed everything.

I listened to Jacob talking about his home life as he fed both himself and me. I was entranced by the things he said, imagining a world where I was like that. Sure, Jacob’s mom still suffered from societal sexism, and she wasn’t entirely free from the struggles of her gender, but compared to what I was used to it seemed like paradise.

When lunch was finished, I had to show Jacob how to unlock the tray on the highchair. I dropped down and knocked into the table as I stumbled forwards, I yelped from the sudden impact. Jacob reached out his hands and held my hips.

“Are you alright?” Jacob asked with worry.

I was momentarily frozen. I looked down to see Jacob’s hands on either side of me and felt tingles running through my body. The man had changed my stinky diaper and seen my lower half naked, why was this simple touch doing so much to me?

“I’m… fine.” I mumbled.

Jacob’s hands left me, and I wished they would come back. I wanted to feel them all over me. My cheeks went red, and I did my best to not look at Jacob, I didn’t want him to see just how obviously I was blushing.

Normally, after lunch, I was put down for a nap. It meant that after eating in the highchair I had an almost Pavlovian response and started to feel a little tired. However, Jacob didn’t head upstairs to the nursery, instead he led the way to the living room and the couch. He turned the television on but kept the volume low, just as some background noise, and then signalled for me to join him. I chose to sit at the other end of the couch leaving plenty of space between us.

“So, why don’t you tell me about those books.” Jacob said as he smiled at me.

“I, erm, I’m not sure what to say.” I mumbled in response. I never got to talk about my interests so I wasn’t sure what people would want to hear.

“Make it like a book report.” Jacob suggested.

“A… book report?” I replied with some confusion.

“You’ve never done a book report?” Jacob raised his eyebrows.

“I mean… I’ve seen Ollie writing them, but I’ve never read one or done my own…” I mumbled.

Jacob puffed out his cheeks and looked both surprised and a little angry. I felt a flash of annoyance and embarrassment. Of course I hadn’t done a book report before. The school had barely taught us the basics of reading and writing, even that felt like it was done under duress on their part, they probably wouldn’t have bothered if it didn’t hinder girls’ abilities to follow recipes or instructions. We certainly didn’t read books in school, unless you counted the overly simplistic books that were more for children than adults, and we definitely weren’t encouraged to think of them in any kind of analytical way.

“Alright, that’s OK, I could… teach you, if you want?” Jacob suggested.

“I’m, erm, not so good with writing.” I said.

“You could give it orally.” Jacob smiled. I don’t know if he noticed how I blushed at his choice of words.

“W-What do I have to do?” I asked nervously.

“Well, how about this. Do you have a pen and some paper?” Jacob asked.

I stood up and went across the room. There was a drawer underneath the cabinet where I thought I might be able to find some, I had to bend over to look. I looked over my shoulder briefly and for just a fraction of a second, I saw Jacob staring at my butt, he quickly looked away. Normally that would be enough to annoy me, I hated any acknowledgement of my bulging underwear, however this time I just felt myself flushing with warmth as I quickly looked at the drawer again. I liked that he was looking.

“Here we go.” I said as I placed a pad of lined paper and a pen on the table. Jacob picked them up and then started writing.

“Right, well, which of the books is your favourite?” Jacob asked.

“Promise to not make fun of me?” I asked nervously.

“Why would I make fun of you?” Jacob replied.

“I don’t know. Ollie and my Dad tend to do so. So do the girls at school though I do my best not to let them see me read. I usually hide in the back of the library to do it.” I said.

“I won’t make fun of you.” Jacob said.

“To Kill a Mockingbird.” I said.

“OK, I’ve heard of that one.” Jacob nodded his head, “About racism, right?”

“Well, yes, but also lots of other things. It’s about growing up, social values, morality, and…” I started talking quickly. It hadn’t taken me long to really feel enthused by what we were doing.

“Hold on, hold on.” Jacob’s pen was quickly scribbling across the paper, “I’m not a fast writer.”

I smiled as I turned sideways so my legs were up on the couch. I sat cross-legged and facing Jacob, eagerly awaiting the chance to talk about one of my favourite things, something that I never got to talk about with anyone else. I knew I was already attracted to Jacob but now it felt like the pull was becoming overwhelming, he was stimulating my mind and that was the sexiest thing I could imagine.

“Alright, so… tell me what happens.” Jacob said.

So I did. I started to run through the plot. I was getting so excited I was frequently tripping over my words as I rushed to explain as much as possible. I had never gotten to discuss my interests like this, not even with Nicole, and now it was like my mouth was trying to make up for lost time. Every couple of minutes Jacob had to stop me so he could keep up. He asked me all sorts of questions as well. Who was my favourite character? What did I think of an event? How do I think such theme resonates today? He listened to my answers and asked follow up questions!

It was something I had never experienced before. An honest to God discussion. Not just me trying to talk about something I cared about with people ignoring me or telling me to shut up, not some vapid conversation about boys or some other inanity, an actual intelligent conversation about a book I loved. Sure, Jacob didn’t know a great deal about it, but he was paying attention and asked good questions.

After a few minutes I had scooted closer to him so that I was sitting in the middle of the couch. I didn’t even notice that I was doing it. I noticed my diaper was wet and I didn’t remember doing that either. It didn’t matter. I didn’t want this conversation to end, I started to become anxious that my family would come home, and I would have to stop talking.

I have no idea how long we sat on that couch talking. Jacob had gone through several pages of paper and was occasionally having to shake his wrist which he said was cramping up. I increasingly felt tiredness threatening to overtake me as well. My body was used to post-lunch naps, and I was depriving it. My voice was even growing hoarse from talking so much despite drinking to lubricate my throat. Gradually I started to lean against the back of the chair. Then, as I grew increasingly tired, I started leaning forwards a little more.

I felt very bold as I scooted up the couch until my arm was touching Jacob’s. I could feel something like static electricity where we touched. Jacob just kept asking me questions and I was happy to answer, the more interest he took in me the more I felt attracted to him in return. Soon I was leaning forwards with my head against Jacob’s shoulder. It felt so daring and yet… right.

It was the strangest feeling. One of safety, comfort and overwhelming attraction. I had promised myself, throughout my whole childhood that I would never be like the other girls, fawning over any boy who gave them attention and yet there I was. Was I just letting my guard down to be hurt by a man?

“Keep going.” Jacob said quietly.

“At the end… the… Atticus and…” I was so tired, like I was coming down off a sugar rush.

The excitement had completely drained me. I leaned increasingly heavily against Jacob’s shoulder as my eyes struggled to stay open. I felt like I just needed a short rest. Jacob smelt so good, the masculinity which always put me off seemed to be having the opposite effect with him. I felt the arm I was leaning against move and I almost fell even closer against Jacob’s side as the arm that had been my pillow went around my shoulders.

I felt so small and safe. Instead of hating it, I brought my legs up on to the couch. My eyes were still closed as my head leaned against Jacob’s side. I could feel his heartbeat, his chest rising and falling with his breaths and found myself subconsciously matching him.

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