A Comedy of AR's (Book 2)

Chapter 24
CHAPTER 224 .......... Confront the Balls

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Chapter Description: 2 new pictures added 4/3/24 Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home

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CHAPTER  224

I followed X back to the team table … where Big-O was the first to greet me.

 

“Derrek, I want to thank your mom for providing these toffee bars today … but with a warning that if anyone here eats too many of them, they’re liable to become morbidly obese.”

 

Sheepishly, I responded, “I think that’s a line that I’ll probably never live down … Uh, before I forget, I’ll pass along your thanks, but right now, my mom is in the hospital undergoing oral surgery.”

 

“Doctor A?” said Showkat.  “What happened, Derrek.”

 

“It was an accident.  She slipped in the shower and had three teeth knocked out.  But she’ll be okay after a few months, and dental implants.  Today is just to stabilize her jaw and she’ll be able to eat on her right side.”

 

“Well, then we should all go visit her today,” said Showkat.  “Derrek, your mom’s a legend.  She helps everybody.  We should be there for her.  Coach can grab us a bus after school.”

 

Captain X requested a show of hands.  “All in favor?”  (It was unanimous.)

 

I shook my head.  “Thanks, guys.  I’m really touched … In fact, she’ll be touched.”

 

“Derrek,” said Putz at the other end of the table, “I want your mom well enough to attend my bar mitzvah on Saturday.  It is absolutely vital that she make it.”

 

“Am I invited again, too?”

 

“Of course, idiot … You’re my best friend, whether you know it or not.  The rest of you clowns can come too … but I don’t want to hear any bullshit about wanting just to come to the party at night, but not the service in the morning … You come to both or neither.  The party’s at the Hilton Garden Inn by the airport.”

 

“Do we wear a beanie to the service, amigo?” asked Goro.

 

“We’ll give you one there.  It’s pronounced like the motorcycle … Yamaha … Instead you say ya-ma-kah … and you can keep it as a souvenir cuz they make them special for each bar mitzvah.”

 

“How long is the service?” asked Randy.

 

Putz told them, “Get there at 10:30 … We’ll be done by noon if the Rabbi doesn’t kick me out prematurely.”

 

“Are you a premature ejaculator?” Randy snickered.

 

“You’re actually on the right track, Randy.  My speech is going to be a an ‘R’ rated dissertation on sex in the bible.  There’s going to be some pretty shocked little old ladies in temple this Saturday.”

 

Batty asked, “But could the rabbi refuse to bar mitzvah you?”

 

“Probably not … I’ve waited four years for my moment of outrageousness, and I’m taking it.”

 

“Putz!” I yelled down the table.  “I don’t think anyone at this table is going to miss the service.”

 

“Gentlemen!” Captain X took over the meeting. pounding the table.  This is a busy week and tomorrow’s our last game.  We play Attila the Hun Middle School from West Buffalo.  If you don’t know who Attila the Hun is, he killed 40 million people … But he’s never beaten us.”

 

“Have they lost any games?” asked Yat Yim.

 

“They’ve only lost to John Wayne Gacey with Mister 2.”

 

“So is this game like for the championship?” continued Yat.

 

X sighed.  “Let’s say the ‘quasi’ championship.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Goro.

 

X explained, “The guys who run the city league are idiots.  They don’t know what the hell they’re doing.  This was like a last minute decision.  So they decided to tack on a final game between the champs of East Buffalo, which is us, the Nads … against the champs of West Buffalo which is Attila the Hun.”

 

“What is their team name?” asked Randy.

 

“I don’t know,” said X.  “Maybe the Hunnies?  Anyway, we’re playing in the North Campus Stadium of the University at Buffalo.”

 

Randy added, “So we could have ten thousand fans there!”

 

“It’s not likely,” X answered.  Just make sure WE are there.  Derrek, are you still in ‘concussion protocol’?”

 

“No one gave me any orders, but I feel fine.”

 

“Well, Coach said he’d like to hold you back unless there’s an emergency.  Don’t do any diving for balls.  It’s too risky.”

 

“I hear you.”

 

“Hey Derrek,” said Putz.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Make sure your mom is there on Saturday, especially for the party.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I think she’ll really enjoy it.”

 

“Okay.”

 

That was the end of lunch.  I was pleasantly surprised that the team didn’t pay that much attention to me and my problems.  They seemed more concerned about my mom, and that made me feel good to know she was so well liked.

 

I didn’t even know we were going to have a championship game this week.  It seems like for middle school sports, they just make stuff up as they go along.

 

 

 

After lunch, I was very much looking forward to Health class with Coach Bimbo.  When I took my seat, the instructor casually slid over to my desk and asked, “How’d it go last night?”

 

Just for show, I first looked left and right, then I whispered, “It’s best if we talk about it after class.”

 

“Sounds good,” he replied.

 

I’m sure that both of us were eagerly anticipating the upcoming conversation, except I was the only one who knew what was coming.  I could tell that the instructor’s mind was wandering, and about half way through the period, he just assigned us a worksheet to do.

 

Only five minutes remained.  The wait was agonizing.  But when the bell finally rang, I walked to his desk.  I didn’t wait for him to approach me.

 

When the last student left the room, I asked him to wait while I closed the door.  Again, he asked, “How’d it go?”

 

I tried to sound enthusiastic.  “Coach, I have a strange feeling that those two don’t like each other.  It was like Ali versus Frasier, Sugar Ray Leonard versus Roberto Duran, Joe Louis versus Max Schmeiling, Jack Dempsey versus Gene Tunney …”

 

The teacher was getting impatient.  “Come on, Derrek.  Tell me what happened.”

 

“You should have seen it, Coach!  It was a lot more than a slap-fest, and a lot more violent than any rivalry they had in high school.”

 

“Yeah? Yeah?”

 

“Think about it, Coach … the roughest, toughest, meanest man on the planet, even ‘badder’ than Mike Tyson … against a woman, well you know about my mom, Coach.  She’s a boy trapped in girl’s body and now she had to fight like a boy.  Coach we could have sold tickets to this match.”

 

“So who won?”

 

“Well the guy’s name was Gort.  And Gort walloped Sammantha and then Sammantha walloped Gort …And they kept walloping each other back and forth … back and forth … and all the furniture was getting destroyed in the process.  Coach I think they both were looking forward for 14 years to settling the score in this match.  The veins in their necks were popping out.  Their eyes were bulging.

 

“Go on.”

 

“Well then it turned into a knife fight.  So you could tell that these two were getting serious.  Then it started evolving into a blood bath … kind of like ‘Wrestlemania’.  If you ask me, I think they were both enjoying it.  I’m glad you made the suggestion for them to meet, Coach.  This was entertainment to the max.”

 

“How long did the fight last?”

 

“About an hour.  Neither fighter was willing to give in.”

 

“So who won the fight, Derrek?”

 

“I don’t think I could give a definitive answer as to say that one person won and one person lost … but my mom did ask me to give you something.  It’s right here in my back pack.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

I took out a ziplock sandwhich bag that contained two items … and I took them both out of the bag and rolled them on the teacher’s desk.  His facial expression became contorted.

 

Surprised, he slid back his chair and pointed at his desktop.  “What the hell are those?” he asked.

 

I slyly replied, “Wait a minute, Coach.  You’re a health teacher and you don’t know what these are?” 

 

Then he yelled, “Tell me what they ARE, Derrek!”

 

In a dead pan tone, I answered, “Well … if you really want to know … they’re Gort Canker’s testicles.”

 

The teacher’s gag reflex took over and he swung around to the right and barfed into his wastebacket.  I stood back when he picked up a bottle of water to clear his throat.

 

“This is a joke, right, Derrek?” he spat his words.

 

“No, Coach.  I was right there and I watched Sammantha slice his balls off with her patented 17 inch serated stainless steel razor sharp fishing knife.  But it’s really more like a hunting knife.  One of the mistakes Gort made was that he told Sammantha that you sent him.   Another problem is that he telegraphed his intent by saying ‘I’m gonna fuck you hard and kill you slow.”

 

Norton Bimbo leaned forward and placed his hands against his forehead.  “Derrek, did she kill Gort?”

 

“No, but I’m sure you can imagine that when he left our apartment, he was seriously pissed off.”

 

“So if Gort told her that I sent him, did Sammantha make any comments about me?”

 

I leaned in closer and said softly, “Coach, pick up the testicles and hold them in your hands, palms up.”

 

He looked back at me with anguish and asked, “What?”

 

“Pick ‘em up, Coach!” I yelled at him.  At that moment, I knew that with Sammantha on my side, I had total control over Coach Norton Bimbo.

 

His hands shook as he followed my order.  He looked like he had Parkinson’s.

 

“Now apologize to the testicles.”

 

The coach looked at me again, perplexed.  “What?”

 

“DO IT, coach!” I yelled.

 

Then he actually did it, mumbling, “I’m sorry, Gort … my bad.”

 

Then I blurted, “Sammantha said that you’re next.”

 

“WHAT?!!” the coach called out as he dropped the two balls back on his desk and stood up with great alarm.  “Derrek, you and I are friends.  Can’t you possibly talk to your mom and tell her that I’m begging her NOT to cut my balls off?”

 

“Coach, you’ve known her since high school.  Yo know she’s got a nasty temper and she especially hates males.”

 

Then Coach Bimbo gradually sunk to his knees in front of me and clasped his hands together.  And he whined, “But tell her, Derrek, please … that I swear to god that I had no idea that Gort was going to try to kill her.  He told me he just wanted to ‘rough her up’ a little.  Is there any way that I can make it up to her?  Cutting me up is not going to help either you or her because then she might go to jail.”

 

“She’s thought about that, Coach.  She said that she’s going to be patient, and that sometime in the next twelve months, she’s going to catch you alone, preferably at night, and cut off your balls when you least expect it.  But she also said she would bring along a needle and thread to sew up your scrotum so you don’t bleed out.”

 

The man was now practically crying, with his head in his hands.  “Please no, Derrek.  Help me find a way out.  She’s your mother.  Please talk to her.”

 

“It may take her a very long time to cool off, Coach.  My suggestion is that you start with a written letter of apology and see what happens.”

 

Norton Bimbo readily agreed.  “Right, right … I’ll do it right away.  Stop by after school and pick it up, will you do that?”

 

“I’ll see you at 2:40, Coach.”

 

“Oh, and Derrek, could you please take those testicles away?”

 

“Sure, Coach … My mom will just add them to her severed ball collection.”

 

 

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