A Comedy of AR's (Book 2)

Chapter 21
CHAPTER 221 .......... We’re Going to Need a Bigger Boat

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Chapter Description: 2 new pictures added 4/3/24 Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home

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CHAPTER  221

“Welcome back, Major,” said Shilo.  “Did you enjoy your trip?”

 

He looked around the room and replied, “I doubt that my trip was as eventful as your evening.  I’m praying that you people are just playing a game here.  Perhaps the answer is that Colonel Mustard killed Mr. Body in the conservatory with a dagger … or perhaps you’re all playing a murder mystery and trying to figure out ‘who done it’.”

 

Sammantha held up her very bloody fishing knife and stated,  “I done it, Major.”

 

The teacher retrieved his falled pipe and wondered out loud, “I hope that Shilo didn’t cause you this trouble, Sammantha.”

 

“Shilo just saved my life, Major.  She’s a wonderful ‘person’.”

 

“Then who’s the ‘lucky’ guy?” he said, pointing to the body on the floor.

 

“His name is Gort Canker, my nemesis from high school days.  Norton Bimbo sent him here to do me in.”

 

“What?” Major exclaimed with surprise.  “This hits too close to home.  My teaching colleague sent someone to kill my partner’s godmother?  What will you do now?”

 

“I’d like to do the same to Bimbo.”

 

“You can’t, Mom,” I advised her.  “Then you would go to jail.”

 

“You’re right, sweety.  When you get to school, just scare him a little.”

 

The teacher looked perplexed.  “Wouldn’t you just call the cops now?” he asked.

 

“Major, for normal people, that would probably be the best option.  For us, it isn’t.  We would become the subjects of endless investigations.  Remember how Lorena Bobbit acquired world wide fame when she cut off her husband’s penis?”

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

“Well, imagine that here.  Sure, it was self defense, but I would be instantly transformed into the most famous person in the world for many years.  I don’t want that.  The detectives would see the cut rope and realize I had help escaping.  Do you think they’ll believe it if I told them that the little boy with the concussion cut the rope after he embedded his knife in the man’s back?”

 

“I see.”

 

“Major, they’ll interrogate me for hours.  They’ll bring in the FBI and they’ll eventually figure out from the bloody footprints that there was a fourth person in the room.  They’re going to discover Shilo, and when they do, they’ll treat her as a computer and take her away from us as ‘evidence’.”

 

“That would be horrible, Sammantha.”

 

“Between the severed testicles and the first instance of an AI assisting in the murder of a human, this would become the story of the century.  We would be hounded by the paparazzi.”

 

“Wow, I never thought of that.”

 

“And what if they start investigating Derrek Adams, and they discover that he’s not really my son … He never existed before this year … and he has a water curse and he’s really a 28 year old man posing as a middle-schooler.  I’m sure that ‘society’ could find enough reasons to throw us in jail.”

 

The teacher surmised, “What about Shilo?  Could ‘society’ throw a computer in jail?”

 

Sammantha exhaled deeply.  “Major, if they do, I think it could jump-start the war between AI’s and humans that we worry so much about.  They would more likely just turn her off and claim she’s a threat to humanity.”

 

The android spoke up.  “Major and Godmother, I am sorry that I caused you so much trouble.”

 

Sammantha waved her off.  “Shilo, you did nothing wrong.  You saved a life, and you proved that AI’s and humans could work together for the common good.  Major and I both love you in the truest sense.”

 

“I do too,” I interjected.

 

Major asked, “So if you won’t call the police, what will you do?”

 

Sammantha explained, “We’ll dump the body into Lake Erie like in the past.”

 

Major did a double-take.  “Wait a minute, Sammantha … You say you have experience dumping dead bodies into Lake Erie?  What is this, like a hobby for you?”

 

“It’s complicated, Major,” she replied … before turning back to Shilo.  “Shilo, did you say you had a built-in phone?  Mine’s up front and I don’t want to drip more blood in the hallway.”

 

“I do, Godmother.”

 

“Shilo, please call Paul Adams on speaker.”

 

“Calling Paul Adams, mobile, on speaker.”

 

After a few rings, her father answered. “Hey, Sam … What’s up?”

 

(This form of communication was novel.  Paul’s voice was actually coming out of Shilo’s mouth.  What’s more, Shilo was using her tongue and mouth to imitate the actual muscular movements of his speech.)

 

“Hi, Dad.  I hope you won’t be too mad at me, but I think we might need a bigger boat.”

 

There was a long pause of silence.  “Dad, are you still there?”

 

“Yes, I’m here, Sam, but I was hoping to use this evening to settle down with a good book.”

 

“Then I’m sorry we’re disturbing you, Dad, but we need your help.”

 

“Who exactly is ‘we’, Sam?”

 

“Me, Derrek, and Shilo …. Major just walked in, too.”

 

“Why do you sound like you’re mumbling, Sam?”

 

“I lost a few teeth and I’m going to need some serious dental work.”

 

“And when I come to your apartment, will I find another dead body?”

 

“Unfortunately, yes, but at least it’s not mine.”

 

“And who is it this time?”

 

“You’ll see when you come over.”

 

“Sam, I don’t have time to play games with you.  Just tell me the name of the dearly departed.”

 

“Gort Canker.”

 

There was another pause on the line … “Dad?  You there?”

 

“Holy Jesus Christ, Sam!  We’ve been wondering for years when that guy would try to retaliate.”

 

“Yeah, Coach Bimbo sent him over.”

 

“Ah, your old friend who stepped over your bleeding body in high school.  Maybe you should make it a ‘BOGO’… Buy one dead body, get one free.”

 

“Uh, that’s a ‘NO-GO”, Dad.  We’ve already discussed it.  The cops would find me quickly … and the FBI would figure out  Shilo and Derrek and then all three of us would be freaks again in the news … and not in a good way.”

 

“Okay, Sam … So what do you want me to bring?”

 

“Rubber gloves, garbage bags, ropes, a spray bottle of luminal, and lots of bedsheets to walk on.”

 

“How big was this guy?”

 

“He was 6-3 … 260.”

 

“That’s a big boy.  I’m out of footlockers, Sam.  You got anything to put him in?”

 

“Godmother, may I speak?”

 

“Of course, Shilo.”

 

“The legs that you purchased for me came in a large, heavy duty, ballistic strength container.  And I believe that if you bent this human forward, he would fit.”

 

“Thank you for reminding us of that, Shilo,” said Sammantha.

 

“Do you still have it, Sam?” asked Paul.

 

“Yes, it’s here in my apartment storage locker.”

 

“Then I better stop and pick up more bricks to weigh it down.  Should I bring my two-wheeler?”

 

Sammantha looked to her left.  “Shilo?”

 

The AI responded, “That will not be necessary, Mr. Adams.  One of my arms can easily lift over 300 pounds.”

 

“Okay,” said Paul, “and who’s coming on the boat with me?”

 

I piped up, “Shilo, can you swim?”

 

“My frame is supposed to be watertight, Derrek … but I have never tried swimming.”

 

“She can wear a lifejacket,” said Sammantha.  “and I’ll go too.  Derrek can’t go, and there’s no reason to involve Major.”

 

“Okay, then it’s set,” said Paul.  “I’ll see you guys in about an hour.”

 

“Thanks, Dad.”

 

Major shook his head.  “I can’t believe how calm all you people are in discussing what to do with a murder victim.”

 

“Major,” said Sammantha, “calling Gort Canker a victim is a real stretch.”

 

“Mom, is it okay if I ask Daniel to come over and help us.”

 

“Sure, sweety.  He’s an old hand at murdering people so we definitely could use his assistance.”

 

Major shook his head in disbelief.  “You folks should start a club.”

 

I replied, “You mean like the ‘deadpool’ game?”

 

Major didn’t answer so I spoke up again. “Hey Shilo, please call Daniel Prestek on speaker.”

 

“Calling Daniel Prestek, mobile on speaker.”

 

It was so funny to see Shilo’s head talking as Daniel, “Hello Derrek, what’s going on?”

 

“Hi Daniel, would you be able to come over and help us, please?  Mom just killed a bad guy and there’s blood all over the apartment and we’re going to lock him in a box and dump his body into Lake Erie … You know the drill.”

 

“Slow down, Derrek!  Did you just say that your mom killed someone?  She didn’t just hit a deer with her car?”

 

“No, Daniel.  We’re standing here in her bedroom with the dead guy right now.”

 

“Well how did she kill him?”

 

“ … cut his balls off.”

 

“Oh wow, that would sure get his attention.”

 

 

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