Out of Body Experience, by Morpheus

Chapter 3
Out of Body Experience, Part 3

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Chapter Description: By Morpheus

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By Morpheus

I didn’t know at the time just how long we had been unconscious but I was more than confused to wake up and find that I couldn’t see anything. Initially I panicked as I remembered the car hurtling towards Lizzy and I wondered if she had died and left me here in a state of limbo. Then reasoning took over; I might not have been able to see anything but if I concentrated enough I could hear something, almost like a faint humming noise in the background. As I tried to identify the noise I recognised it as the virtually inaudible whine of air-conditioning keeping the temperature, of whatever room I was staying in, regulated.

This was torture; never before have I felt so helpless or alone and my isolation was increased a hundred-fold by the complete absence of Lizzy; I could feel no sign of her presence anywhere!

Maybe it was the sense of panic that facilitated what happened next, or maybe it was the sudden feeling that maybe I was in control of this body but the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and that was the key event here - they were MY eyes!

I looked tentatively around the room, a feeling of awe enveloping me after so long of being a passenger to another, as I realised I was controlling the movement of the eyeballs. It took a few seconds but I realised that I was in a hospital room, a room that looked suspiciously like that which my original body occupied. Had the shock of what happened to Lizzy propelled me back into my own body, I wondered, before my wandering eyes espied a movement, right at the periphery of my vision.

This was amazing, I was managing to move my head slightly, emitting a groan from the unexpected effort it took and then a cold feeling ran down my spine - I knew that voice!

The next thing I knew I saw mother - I mean Louise - hurrying towards me, breaking my train of thought!

"Oh Darling" she called to me, her voice breaking from the emotion of the moment, "you’ve come back to me" she sobbed as she put her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

It was at that moment that revelation hit me as my psychic senses flooded back in, overwhelming me. This fact alone told me everything I needed to know, apart from the physical sensations I was receiving. Time seemed to stop as I felt her body press closely to my breasts and I knew that I was still in Lizzy’s body - the question was where was Lizzy? I could not feel her presence anywhere and I started to feel abject despair as everything went black again.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The next time I awoke I could see instantly. I tried to move my arm and felt it respond to my bidding. I tried to put myself into the dream like state that I had always achieved in my own body and felt myself slipping away as my karma started to rise to the ceiling. I rotated 180 degrees until I could see the bed below me, and the battered and bruised body of my daughter. It was a good thing that I was not in a corporeal state, as I think my mental cry of anguish would have woken the dead.

The very fact that I had control of her body, aligned with my returned ability to leave it, told me that Lizzy was gone - I could feel her nowhere. A great sadness overcame me as I knew that she was dead.

I did not want to return to her body at that moment, I needed a little time to consider my emotions, and I felt myself drifting beyond the room and into the corridor. I could see the hustle and bustle of doctors and nurses, as they moved purposefully towards their next task and continued to drift, suddenly knowing where I was going. The next thing, I found myself in a similar room to where they were keeping Lizzy’s body and looking down to see my original shell looking pale and lifeless.

I wondered what would happen if I tried to inhabit my own body again after such a long time away from it. Would it still recognise me and accept my karma?

I was about to try, knowing that Louise would be relieved to see me back and alive again, but knew that I had to say goodbye to Lizzy - just this one more time.

I drifted back to her room, marvelling at the familiar sense of liberty and freedom that I had regained, although my joy was tempered by the loss of Lizzy, and I soon found myself back to where I had left her body. I had expected to find the room quiet but was a little startled to see Louise sitting there, holding Lizzy’s lifeless hand.

"Oh come on baby" she sobbed, "please come back to your mom. I just know you awoke briefly yesterday, I heard you groan and I saw your eyes flicker but the doctors think I am just a hysterical and desperate woman who would believe anything to give herself hope. Please baby, please come back!" she pleaded as I watched the tears roll down her eyes.

What a dilemma - it hurt me so much to see my wife, and my erstwhile adopted mother, suffer, and I tried to project calming thoughts and feelings towards her. In her upset state though, this had no effect!

I knew, at that point, that I had to make the biggest decision that I would ever be faced with. Before I could make it though, I had to examine my own deeper feelings - I had to find out who I really was now. Oh sure, I know that I am really Howard Cooper, husband of his beloved Louise and father to Jerry and Lizzy, but it was no longer that simple!

I had lived as a partner to my daughter Lizzy for a long time now, I had been privy to her thoughts and feelings, shared her highs, and suffered with her during her lows. I had now experienced, first hand, the conflicting emotions the body forces a girl to go through as she starts to grow up. I had even started to look at boys with feelings of attraction and desire. What would all this do to me if I returned to my own middle-aged male body?

As I probed my feelings even further, I knew that I felt just as much a young girl as I did a middle-aged man now. I had lived, thought, and dreamt with Lizzy for so long that I genuinely felt a part of her and of her body and I was comfortable that I would be able to exist on either level.

Oh I knew where this was leading, I just had to have the mental debate to convince myself that what I was about to do was the right thing though. I also knew that once the choice had been made that there could be no going back - it just wouldn’t be fair to anyone!

I looked down at Louise again, and seeing her strained face made me cease my prevarication’s - I had to act now. Who did she need the most, I thought - that would determine the sacrifice I knew that I would have to make?

The choice made itself. Louise had got used to Howard James Cooper being, to all extents and purposes, dead. It had been hard but she had gotten on with her life, accepting the inevitability of her loss, and determining that she would provide for her children, both emotionally and physically in the best way that she could, and that she had done. If she lost Lizzy after all that she had gone through, well, I dread to think how that would affect her - she might well become unhinged.

Making my mind up I looked at Lizzy’s pretty face and drifted back towards it before bonding with her again, for the final time. Well not quite the final time - I knew I would leave it again, enjoying my temporary excursions from her earthbound state, but this would always be where I would return - I would become Lizzy Cooper forever now.

Seconds later I felt my eyes flicker open and I was staring into the face of Louise who instantly spotted my movement, and pressed her face close to mine. It was an intensely emotional moment that we shared as, for the first time, I let go of Howard completely and became Lizzy in both body and soul, and I immersed myself in the love that Louise had for her daughter. Despite this, or maybe it was because of this, I cried for Lizzy and I cried for myself, relieved that I had made a decision, even though it was one born from the tragedy.

I still felt nervous though, as I knew I would have to take over and direct Lizzy’s body for every little thing, I had merely been the passive partner in what had been a unique relationship up until now, and I hoped I could cope. First though, I wanted my birth body to be given up by Louise; my last selfless act would be to relieve her of her burden and sense of duty and to free her, as I had been freed.

Louise pulled away from me and stared into my face, as she held my chin in her hands.

"Oh baby, I thought I’d lost you" she smiled as she examined every inch of my face, making herself believe that Lizzy had really returned. I knew that this would be the first real test for me, although I did have the insurance of being able to put any inconsistencies down to the accident. I decided to just go for it - now was the time to influence Louise, or I suppose I should really start thinking of her as mom!

"Mo .. mommy!" I croaked and took a sip from the glass of water that mom held out to me, "I’ve been talking to daddy" I continued, relating to my original self in this way for the first time. I know that Lizzy had spoken me in this way but this was the first time that I had.

"I was scared, and I think I was dying, when daddy returned to me and told me that he was all right and everything with him was fine. He told me he was with Grandpap’s again and that one-day, we would all be together but that this now was not the time. He said I had to go back to be with you and Jerry".

As I looked at Louise’s strained and heart-broken face I felt a tremendous sense of guilt, even though I was knew that I was doing the right thing, and I felt my little heart churn at the pain she was feeling. I steeled myself though, I had to continue now having set the scene, and I now had to tie up the loose ends.

"Daddy said to tell you that you must let him go now, he cannot come back his old life now and doesn’t want you to worry any more" and I suppose that was true after a fashion. "He said that all he wants now is to rest in peace until we’re all together again".

There, I had done what was necessary and just hoped that I could console her and could make her think to the future again, one day.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It wasn’t until two days later that I knew that I had done the right thing. That was when mom told me that daddy’s life support had been turned off, and that his own body would now decide whether it lived or died. I had noted that I had automatically thought of my former self as ’daddy’ now; the years of living with Lizzy, and listening to her thoughts about me, had obviously conditioned me much more than I had realised. I had also noticed that I had hardly had to make any effort to pass myself off as her - it all came quite naturally - and I really did start to regard myself as if, indeed, I was my daughter!

Despite my acceptance of my state I found it very hard to get over my daughter’s death. I have gotten some sort of consolation though. Ever since my psychic powers had returned I had been receiving sporadic visit from those departed, and had been pleased to help them in whatever way I could. This hadn’t been enough though - hers was the visit that I had really wanted. I wanted to feel absolved from the guilt I had felt at the decision that I had taken - the decision to carry on with her life.

Another six days later my natural body died, and the subsequent burial had been the catharsis that my family had needed. It was a strange and sad occasion as I attended my own funeral, but it finally closed a chapter on our lives and I found the old adage ’life goes on’ had never been truer as our lives soon got back to what would be our normality.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It’s been eighteen years since that fateful day and I’ve never breathed a word about what happened all those years ago - that is until now - and after this, I will never mention a word of what happened to me again.

I was very nervous at first, concerned at how well I could adapt to all that had happened, and how I would handle having to grow up as a girl without Lizzy’s influence to guide me. I soon found a surrogate mentor though, albeit from an unexpected source!

I had decided to research the whole topic of gender, and of gender confusion, reasoning that if I was conversant with this area then I might be better able to understand what was happening to me. After all, if anyone should feel they were living in the wrong body, or were the wrong sex, then it certainly should be me! I thought that if I could understand how others felt about it, and how they coped, it might give me an insight and would help me cope with any problems that I might encounter.

I started off looking in the local libraries and the chool ones, but found that the few items that were available were very dry and clinical and were usually under the medical section. Then I had a brainwave. Mom had brought me a PC to help me with my schoolwork and one of the first things I had done was to go on-line. A quick search, using one of the well-known browsers, soon identified a rich source of data that treated the topic from both the medical and emotional viewpoints. It was the emotional area that I found the most interesting, reading about ’real’ peoples struggles to come to terms with who, and with what, they were and because they were real people there was a mixture of triumphs and tragedies. It was enlightening reading, but somehow it didn’t shed any light on my condition and left me with more questions than answers.

This all changed when I stumbled, purely by accident, upon a site called Fictionmania. Despite being a site that dealt with TG fiction, and didn’t attempt to justify it’s existence on any other basis than that, it gave me the greatest insight into the author’s, and readers, dreams and fantasies and seemed to glorify in that fact without any shame or regrets!

I did not find everything contained within it enjoyable. Certainly, the tales of cruelty and abuse left me cold, but the volume and diversity of both authors and stories helped me realise that I now had something that plenty of people would probably sacrifice a considerable amount to obtain.

It was the first thing that made me realise that, maybe, I should not just bemoan my fate, but that I should positively embrace it - many would consider what I now had to be a gift!

I have had an incredibly rich life during those years, as I grew up as a teenage girl and blossomed into womanhood. I discovered that I had all the natural excitement and enthusiasm of any girl growing up and experienced none of that hackneyed world-weariness that I had half expected to feel, having been through it once already! I suppose this was different though, as I had found the difference between the gender’s outlook on life more significant than I would have dreamt possible when I had been Howard Cooper.

The possibility, and probability, of becoming a mother shades a girls life in so many subtle ways, more than a man would ever dream was possible, but I found myself enjoying the dreams of marrying and raising a family as I discovered Lizzy’s inherent maternal instinct. Thoughts of a full-time career did not excite me but I also knew that I didn’t want to be housebound, and just a housewife. I found my creative release through the arts, something I had never managed to achieve as Howard, and became semi-successful around the Manhatten beach district, and I am going to continue with this as I bring you both up - I’m going to maintain my own identity.

Not everything came out as predicted though. I have told you that I would become Lizzy Cooper forever but I made yet another transformation, this time in name only but I am now proud to be known as Lizzy Vialli, after marrying your father Gianfranco, who his friends all call ’Frankie’. He’s a kind and loving man and you’re going to love growing up and having him as your father.

Looking at you now I can feel a warm glow spreading all through me, and I cannot believe that you have both come from my very own body!

Now you know everything about me my little twins. Now you will understand why I’ve called you Howard, after my dear ’father’, and why you’re called ’Mary’, after your great grandma who ’lost’ her only son.

I’ve been talking a long time now and you look tired. I think I’m all talked out and I’m going to wrap this tale up before your father, your grandma, and your great grandma get here to see you - they’re due any minute now - otherwise you’re going to be too tired for them.

You know it’s funny, really, lying here in this same hospital that has featured so prominently in my life. From my death, to being re-born, to having children of my own - it’s almost as if somehow, this was all just meant to be.

Just at that moment the door to my private room opened and I was greeted by a warm kiss from Frankie as he pulled my face towards him.

"Oh honey, you look absolutely beautiful - you are positively radiant. You know something - I think motherhood suits you".

I looked up at him with what I knew was a wicked twinkle in my eye and patted the front of his trousers, feeling what had brought this gift to us both.

"Well don’t be getting any more big ideas, you can keep this thing under wraps for a while. You have no idea what we women have to go through to get to look this radiant" I said with feeling.

That was certainly something I could speak of with absolute conviction having been both a mother and a father in my life. Men have no idea how easy they get it at times!

As I passed over his daughter to him I held little Howard close for a second, and looked deeply into his eyes. You know what, there was something familiar about them - I could swear that I could see Lizzy looking back at me, just for a moment!

Just then his mom and his great-grandma walked in.

Everything seemed complete to me again and I squeezed Frankie’s hand.

"Well I think you are going to make these children a wonderful mother" he said, returning the pressure.

"You know something Frankie - I think you might just be right!"

The End

 

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