'Ask Anne'

Chapter 4
The Reluctant Father - Part 1

Dear Annie,

I am a single father stuck looking after a 6 month old baby girl. Can’t believe how much work it is! All that endless bottle feeding! Having to deal with shitty diapers and wiping its smelly butt! And oh, that constant screaming for attention! AAARGH! It’s driving me NUTS!!

This wasn’t how it was meant to be. I mean, these are the best years of my life, I should be out partying with my buddies and not trapped at home with this screaming bundle of flesh! Besides, it wasn’t my fault that I got her pregnant! She was only slightly drunk when I picked her up at the bar, and besides, she consented! Well, most girls can’t resist my charms anyway, but the point is, she consented! And for quickies like this, who has time to put on a condom? I’ve fucked lots of girls before without a condom and they never got pregnant. Don’t understand why she has to be so special.

And then there’s my parents. They are NAZIS, I tell you, absolute fascists! So what if the girl was unable to take care of her baby? How was I to know that she was sick, I mean, not my fault right? Can’t her Mum do it? Who cares that she’s old and doesn’t have much money, it’s her grandkid after all. Why must I, of all people, be the one forced to look after her? My parents are oh so unreasonable! I really can’t stand it when they give me all these long lectures about responsibility. As you can tell, I am a responsible grownup, and they still think I’m a little child they can talk down to. The nerve! And they threatened to stop paying my rent for me unless I looked after the baby. Nazis, I tell you, NAZIS!

Oh fuck, the baby’s started crying again. I never even get a few minutes of peace. I can’t even remember when I last got a good night’s sleep! I’ve tried ignoring it, or yelling back at it, but it just screams louder, can you believe that? Anyway, so yeah, I was writing to get your advice on some tricks for making a baby behave. So it’s like, easier to deal with? I want my freedom back, I want to be able to go out and have some fun, you know, get myself some beers and tits, like a real man, rather than a feminized loser stuck here with a stinking baby. Maybe you can send me something that will make it sleep for 12 hours straight? That will be so cool!

Robert