Wrong Way Kids - Issue I

Chapter 10
The Back Cover

Chapter Description: Frequently Asked Questions.

Friends,

I enjoy checking my e-mail every day because I receive inquiries, thanks, and very many kind words. I leave you this month with a FAQ-- some of the questions that have been asked the most.

1. What happened to the Dirty Dozen?

"The Dirty Dozen" was a project of mine in which I had planned on writing twelve 5,000-word stories, each a $150 value, for $12 apiece. All it required was twelve different people willing to spend $12 on their commission; my profit was to be made in the second market. Unfortunately, there simply weren’t enough people interested in the discount... and if the reaction to the concept was as tepid as it seemed, any attempt at marketing it would have resulted in community-wide drowsiness. As of now, I have reverted to a strict individual commission model (at least until the next Spring Garden/Fall Harvest thing comes around...).

2. What is your commission rate?

As of August 2014, I charge three cents per word. This is competitive with the rates of other successful AR authors. You can request your own word count in advance, and I will do my best to hit it (any words I go over are free). One-half (50%) of payment is due upfront, and the other half (50%) is requested when I inform you that the story is complete and of the highest possible quality I can provide.

3. How long does it take?

My stories are expensive. You’re not paying for speed; you’re paying for quality and earnest labor (and helping me to pay back my student loans). Therefore, I decline to establish a date of completion in advance. It all depends on the story; some of the more complicated ones have taken me six months to a year, while a fast-paced piece of flash fiction might only require a weekend. I only ask that you don’t try to hurry me along. When the words come, they come... and so should you!

4. How about a "friend discount?"

I can’t put a price (or lack thereof) on my relationships. My commission rate is the same for everybody.

5. This is ridiculous. We’re indulging your hobby/fetish. Writing isn’t real work.

I need both the salary from my day job and the income from my stories to live. Both examples are "work" because they (A) require education, (B) require effort, and (C) require time... time that I have to take away from other things in my life like family and gaming. Whether writing is as difficult a job as construction work is debatable -- and, paradoxically, the better a writer you are, the more like "work" it feels. If you want one of your stories to be remembered ten or even three years down the road, get ready to work your fingers to the bone.

6. Some of your shit is, um, crazy. What won’t you write?

In the past, I have put to paper age regression, infantilism, unbirthing, mind control, micro, and several other kinks. The unique talent that I have to offer is that I can describe, in agonizing detail, the sheer humiliation being suffered by my characters. That being said, I either no longer or have never written the following:

NOTE: For the purposes of this list, a "chronological minor" is someone who has lived for 17 or fewer years. A "biological minor" is someone 18 years of age or older who has regressed to a much younger age.

i. Sexual activity among chronological minors in a capacity other than a one-off line to illustrate the evilness of the elder party.

ii. Stories involving other people’s intellectual property. No Simpsons, no Star Trek, and thank god no Twilight. If you wish me to write a sequel or reimagining of another author’s story, it is your responsibility to get his/her permission (and I will double-check that permission, just to be sure).

iii. Explicit and dehumanizing depictions of rape.

iv. Any violence against chronological minors.

v. Any form of torture stronger than orgasm denial.

vi. Homophobia, racism, and misogyny... unless it is absolutely necessary to depict a character as a shithead.

vii. A story where somebody babysits someone much younger, and they end up switching ages. It’s over, people. The well is dry and the ground’s been salted.

Remember, if you’re unclear on my limits, all communication is anonymous! Feel free to describe your story to whatever extent you want, and we can work together on respecting common human decency.

7. You’re such a sellout!

If, previously, I’d advocated for writers (and artists and musicians) giving us their work for free, then yes, I would be a sellout. But I respect and admire fellow artists who are good enough to make half a living off of it, and I always have.

8. Why aren’t you submitting to AR Archive Premium instead of going independent?

Several years ago, when I devised the idea of what was later to become AR Archive Premium (I described it to Heid basically as "BoJay Premium, but for good authors,") he was not interested. A short time later, AR Archive Premium appeared and I was neither invited to participate nor credited for my idea.

9. What’s your favorite AR story?

"Suggestion Box."

10.That’s not fair. Your husband wrote that.

Okay... it’s hard to name just one, but I draw a lot of inspiration from Jennifer Lorraine’s "Peace, Quiet, and an Early Bedtime" and "Conscience of the King," Tainted Sins’s "The Hassles of Babysitting" and "Mister Superstar," Tabula Rasa’s "Monkey in the Middle," Long_Rifle’s "Four the Archive," Bfboy’s "Soft and Fuzzy," and personalias’s "Dante’s Infanzia."

11. Where’s my stuff?

In 2013, I asked clients and customers to grant me 24-48 hours to fill their orders, seeing as each one is done manually and I rely on Hotmail more than any sane person should. In 2014, a massive increase in traffic has led me to request 48-72 hours to fill an order. Seldom does it take this long, but I need to be at my home computer to get you the goodies.

12. Did you really propose to your husband with a post on the discussion boards, even though he was a foot away from you IRL?

Yes. I put my proposal post in my Autumn Catalog for posterity. The idea seemed appropriate since we met on IRC by way of the ARchive. The match was made incidentally by mutual friend and fellow writer Viridian.

13. "Wrong Way Kids?"

...is the title of a Bad Religion song. I found myself in the punk culture fairly early on. Bad Religion has been my favorite band for many, many years, and the adept reader will be able to find lyrics, song titles, and other references to BR (and Green Day, and Screeching Weasel, etc.) in several of my stories. E-mail me a reference you’ve caught and I’ll credit your ingenuity in the next issue.

“If you wrote something for which someone sent you a check, if you cashed the check and it didn’t bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented.” -Stephen King