Super Mario Bros. - The Old Story

Chapter 1
Super Mario Bros. - The Old Story

Chapter Description: A Novel

TRANSMISSION (1989)

Oh great! said Luigi. I’m going to have a baby! I’ll name that baby Mario he is going to grow with a mustash. Said Luigi. Huh! said the man next store. I’ll make fireballs for him. Huh! said the man next store. And Luigi made dipers for him. But he got the wrong dipers. He got Depend. When Mario grew to 2 Luigi said sorry! Mario! I got the wrong dipers! What?! I said the wrong diper! Why you! said Mario. I’m sorry! I’m sorry!! Stuped Luigi! He does not do anything good for me! I know! This is the secret: Will get underware and put it on me and put the dipers on Luigi! Sorry Luigi but dipers have to be put on you! No way! Doof! So fast he did it! Luigi hit him he did it till Mario went in to Super Mario. Thats it! said Luigi. Come on! Dont do it!!! Stop!!! Stop!!!!! Ak! Good said Mario now he is a baby! Mario went to Kroger to get some baby food. But Luigi did not open hes mouth. So he did the airplane it still did not work shoot! said Mario! He wants to let Luigi grow. But he would never grow. Shoot! said Mario. I payed $10,000 just for a waste of monny! Shoot! Now Luigi is tiny like a dot!

THE END

TRANSLATION (2012)

1. At the age of five, I was apparently unaware that men can’t give birth, let alone to their own brothers.

2. Luigi clearly has high hopes for his newborn brother’s facial hair.

3. “Man next store,” “man next door,” same dif. Maybe Luigi lives next to a 7-Eleven.

4. That man next store sure seems to be in a scoffing kind of mood. Better believe Luigi can make fireballs. But for a baby? Shouldn’t he be starting out with blocks or something?

5. Depends are for adults. I think that was supposed to be a joke. Who the hell knows at this point.

6. Ahh, their first big fight. Who hasn’t fought over the relative benefits of different diaper brands? Yeah, I’m looking at a few of you.

7. So Mario’s big plan is to put on underwear and trap Luigi in diapers. You can tell it’s a major struggle because of the sound effects. “Doof!”

8. The diapers turn Luigi into a baby. It made sense then, and it makes sense now.

9. Kroger is an American grocery chain. There were a few in Cincinnati, where I lived when I wrote this.

10. Mario spent $10,000 on diapers and baby supplies. I bet I can top that before I die.