Always His Baby

Chapter 10
Family

Chapter Description: Sheridan's visit to her grandmother's catches her rather off-guard.

Sheridan is sat on a chair in front of the full-length mirror in her bedroom, holding Kiara in her lap and swinging her feet back and forth while Dad does her hair. He’s carefully brushed it through and is now crafting it into two French plaits either side of her head. He’s pretty good at it and yet Sheridan has memories of him hissing to himself as he tried to do her hair only to come up with one pigtail tighter than the other or a pony-tail that was too loose.

Lots of practice makes perfect, she supposes. But her brain hurts when she tries to count the years of practice her dad had at sorting her hair out.

There’s a pout on her face as she looks at the outfit Daddy has put her in. Practically a century away from the cute but practical overalls she had on before. It’s a pure white frock with bunched sleeves, covered in frills, with a pink silk ribbon around the waist that ties up into a big bow at the back. Her white anklet socks are encased in pink ballet shoes. No doubt Daddy will use a matching pink ribbon to tie her plaits. She couldn’t be a more picture perfect definition of all that is innocent and sweet – aside from the moping frown on her face.

“Don’t like it.” She squirms, a fresh pair of pull-ups around her middle, thankfully not visible through the dress and the petticoat underneath.

“You want to look pretty for Grandma, don’t you?”

Of course he does. But it seems like a lot of effort just for one visit to see her grandmother. She only lived a town away. If Sheri had more of her big girl thoughts she’d probably remember that Grandma was her mummy’s mummy and so probably felt she wasn’t as obligated to as close as a maternal grandparent normally would – there was still some unspoken tension between Grandma and Daddy since the custody battle when Sheri was still a baby.

Sheridan leans her head all the way back at Daddy’s comment.

“You don’ think I always pretty?” She challenges.

An odd look comes over her father’s face before he smirks and taps her nose with the hairbrush.

“Fine, you win this round. But you wanna look extra pretty for her. She does love to see you in a dress.” Dad replies, finishing her hair with the promised pink ribbon; “Right. Stand up and put Kiara down for a moment. Give us a twirl.”

Sheridan wants to get this over with. She gives her lioness one last stroke before getting off the chair and putting her down. She stands before the mirror and tries to do a spin on her tip-toes like a ballerina. Not that ballet was something she was into but, considering the shoes she’s wearing; when in Rome?

Dad gives a brilliant smile and claps his hands; “Perfect. Grandma’s going to be so happy.”

Sheridan returns the smile, feeling pleased and excited about that. She thinks there might have been something else she was supposed to do but it can’t be more important than visiting Grandma.

“Your head feeling better now, princess?” Dad asks, brushing his hand against her forehead.

Sheri nods. She does remember feeling frustrated and tired at the supermarket. She remembers, with a blush in her cheeks, acting more babyish than normal – including wetting her pull-ups. But after the nap on the way home and the promise of visiting Grandma, everything feels a lot clearer. Daddy had said that her body was little so it was natural she might have an accident, especially when she’s tired. She knows she’s a big girl – not a dumb baby. She’s even content to wear the silly dress so long as it makes Daddy and Grandma smile at her.

With Sheridan’s outfit complete, it’s time to go visit Grandma’s house.

Once again, Sheridan finds herself strapped into the child’s seat in the back of Dad’s car, holding Kiara on her lap and humming along to the music as she watches the world pass outside the window.

“I spent 20 years trying to get out of this place

I was running away from the only thing I’ve ever known...”

It doesn’t confuse her how she doesn’t know what some of the big words mean and yet she seems to understand what the song is talking about. As if her heart understands, despite her brain coming up at a loss.

“Who says you can’t go home?”

She can’t remember ever feeling so content. The green English fields are bright from the sunshine against the mostly clear sky. Her toy lion’s fur is fuzzy against her cheek. Daddy’s hands are steady on the wheel, his gentle voice also singing along. It’s possible that Sheridan could easily lose herself to the spell right there and then. Just accept a chance at a second childhood. Let go of the stress and complications of before.

Just...let Daddy take care of her. Worry about nothing except pleasing Daddy and the occasional extra adult. That wasn’t a difficult task.

If she closes her eyes she can almost hear the voice of the purple haired woman. She can feel the woman stroking her mind with a soft finger and telling her just to let it go. Forget what came before...or after.... Have a lovely time with Grandma. Be a good girl for Daddy. Nothing else has to matter. Stop fighting. Let. Go...

A bump in the car startles her, making Kiara tumble to the floor as her hands go up as if to reach for a saviour that isn’t there. It jump-starts her brain and shuts the voice of the woman away.

“You okay, baby?” Dad looks back in the mirror; “It’s all right, it was just a pot hole in the road. Nothing to worry about. Just like bumper cars at the fun-fare, remember?”

Sheridan nods. Pot hole. There was no collision. No crash. She wasn’t dead yet.

But she had come close to losing everything she was.

She bites down on her lip to stop it wobbling. She won’t cry. She’s fine, damn it. She’s not a real toddler. She doesn’t need Daddy to stop the car and give her a cuddle. She sees Kiara on the floor and fights the urge to try to reach for her. It. She didn’t need a stupid toy to make her feel better. She just needed to keep it together in her head.

Had to remember something...important...

“We’re going to the police station after visiting Grandma.” Sheridan states. It’s not a request this time and she’s relieved by how she’s able to control her speech so she doesn’t sound quite so childish.

There’s a hesitation before her dad replies.

“Of course, baby.” He agrees, amiable as ever.

“I’m not a baby. Do not forget.”

Dad doesn’t respond. Sheridan pushes the swelling ball of guilt as far down into her gut as she can. Not a word is said for the rest of the journey. The next song plays.

Don’t want the world to pass me by.”

Finally they arrive at Grandma’s house, the half-hour long journey having felt like it had taken a whole day, Sheridan makes sure to undo her own strap in the chair. It’s a bit of a hassle with her little hands but if she concentrates then she can twist the button correctly and free herself before opening the door.

Dad reaches for her hand and Sheridan shakes her head.

“I can walk to the front door on my own just fine.” She makes clear, folding her arms.

“We went through this at the supermarket, Sheridan.” Dad reminds her in a low voice; “We have to pretend you’re a real little girl out in public in case-”

“In case I’m being watched? So we can’t trust Grandma is what you’re saying? Let’s go home then. Or better yet, go to the police station.”

Yes. Now her head is clear and she feels like a maturing young woman again, despite her miniature size.

Dad kneels down and softens his expression.

“It’s not just that, Sheri. Your grandma’s getting on a bit. She probably believes as much as everyone else that you’re three years old. If you try to tell her she might not believe you and if she does...it might be too much for her to take.” He tries to tug at her heartstrings; “She’s already lost your granddad and she doesn’t know where your mother is...She doesn’t want to lose anyone else.”

That does get past Sheridan’s defences and cause her to flinch. She...doesn’t want to be like Mum. She doesn’t want to let down the people who love her.

“So just...try to pretend to be a good little girl. For her, not me. Please?” Dad asks.

Sheridan takes a breath and then nods.

“I’m still not holding your hand though.” She tells him; “...But I’ll hold Grandma’s.”

Dad just gives a warm yet somewhat cracked smile; “That’s fine.”

The front door opens before either of them have a chance to ring the doorbell. Sheridan’s grandmother stands in the threshold and beams at the sight of her granddaughter walking up the path. She opens her arms wide.

“There’s my little cherub. Come to Grandma!” She beckons, her voice bright as the sunshine.

Sheridan gives a look to her father before she puts on her best smile and runs into her grandmother’s arms, letting the older woman scoop her up and give her a cuddle. Sheridan puts her arms around Grandma’s neck and hugs her tight, though not too much she might hurt her, but she’s small enough for Grandma to pick up at least which is rather nice. As is her comfy cardigan. Grandma always gave amazing cuddles.

Second best to Daddy...Dad. Not that such things interested her much of course.

But there’s no harm in her pretending in order to make Grandma happy.

“Look at your beautiful dress!” Grandma coos, rubbing her back; “You look pretty as a picture. Did your daddy do your hair?”

“Ye..Yeth, Gwandma.” She puts on her best smile, remembering to sound like a toddler; “Do you wike it?”

“It’s...very nice.” She doesn’t look too sure but keeps smiling as Dad approaches.

“Very nice? I’m making progress then.” Dad jests before giving his ex mother-in-law a kiss on the cheek.

Grandma puts Sheridan down and takes her little hand.

“Come in you two. Everyone else is already here. They’re going to love to see you in your frock, sweetheart. You’ll be the belle of the ball.” Grandma says, rather proudly.

There’s a flash of uncertainty on Sheridan’s face that she only lets Dad see.

Ball? Everyone else? Sheridan had expected this was just going to be a simple visit to see Grandma and tell her what she’s been up to, maybe play with the dog while her and Daddy talk about grown-up things and Sheri pretends not to listen in. She didn’t think other people were going to be here. She didn’t think anyone else was going to see her in this overly sweet frilly get-up.

“I forgot to mention that your Auntie Steph has just had her baby.” Dad explains with a shrug; “Grandma invited us all round to see her little boy.”

Us? Who is us? How many people is she going to have to fake being a stupid toddler girl in front of?

Her question is given a horrific answer when she’s lead into the living room. It’s full of members of her mother’s rather large, though scattered, family and some of their friends. Sheridan rarely saw them except the odd Boxing Day party and, moments such as this, when they would be at her grandmother’s the same time as her. She had two uncles and two aunts, along with their spouses and children. Her cousins.

It’s with a strike of terror that Sheridan catches sight of her cousins who, before this damn spell, she had been the eldest of. She had been the beautiful teenager that they’d all looked up to and taken notice of. The one who had supreme authority at any family meet-up. Just snotty faced pre-teens with a couple of them just entering Secondary school.

Except now the tables have turned. With the exception of her newborn cousin, at the moment cradled in her aunt’s arms as she shows him off, Sheridan is the youngest person in the room.

She takes a breath. Maybe they’ll all be wanting to pay enough attention to the baby that they’ll barely notice her. It’s not like she’ll be a normal toddler, jealous of the new centre of attention and screaming to be noticed. She has no problem with just being left on her own until this visit is over. But it’s clear that her prayer isn’t going to be answered when her uncle Jim picks her up by the waist and starts throwing her up and down in the air.

“There’s our little Sherry Cakes!” He cheers, his breath smelling of beer and cigars.

Sheridan blushes. She feels no urge to laugh at the flying sensations as she’s swung up, just missing the ceiling, to land back down in her uncle’s hands. She’s more concerned about her dress wafting up and everyone catching sight of her Disney Princess pull-ups.

And it doesn’t stop there.

Most of the other adults all want to a turn to sit her on their laps or in their arms. They pinch her cheeks and compliment her dress repeatedly. She feels like a doll being passed around for them to admire, more so than the baby – at least he’s young enough to not be aware of it. Sheridan almost feels like she’s shrinking in their presence with all of their adult faces looking down on her, talking to her in a high-pitched and playful tone.

She frowns and looks over to her dad for succour. She wasn’t ready for this. She doesn’t have the energy to pull off this act in front of all of them.

“Aww, she seems a bit fussy. Has she had her nap today, Dan?” Aunt Clara asks her father.

Dad nods; “Yeah, she’s just been a bit shy lately around people she’s not used to.” That might be a jab at how her relatives rarely make an effort to visit them but it goes unnoticed. “Wouldn’t even talk to a woman who tried to speak to her at Sainsbury’s.”

Sheridan’s frown increases. She doesn’t like how she’s being talked over. Like she doesn’t have a voice of her own. Toddlers don’t have opinions of their own. Not ones adults care about.

“Why don’t you meet your new cousin, princess?” Dad encourages; “If you ask nicely, Aunt Steph might let you hold him.”

“I told you there was a present for you here, didn’t I.” Grandma smiles at her.

Sheridan can’t help feeling cheated. She already had enough bratty cousins, another one to add was hardly what she’d call a welcome gift. Still if being around a baby means she can be acknowledged as a big girl then she’ll force a smile and nod, toddling over to sit beside Auntie Steph and putting on her most polite voice.

Steph smiles at her and moves her baby son closer for Sheridan to have a look. The baby is sleeping and just looks like a little red potato with a face to Sheri but she feigns interest.

“He’s beautiful.” She says, sweetly. “He lucky to have you as a Mummy, Auntie Steph.”

Steph, still obviously coming down from natal euphoria, laps up the sincere compliment from the innocent little girl; “Thank you, Sheri. Would you like to hold him?”

Not really. But hopefully it will continue to prove how mature she is in comparison.

And they’ll treat her more like a grown-up.

She nods and Steph carefully moves the baby into her little arms, constantly reminding her to hold his head up, taking a while to make sure he’s settled until letting go and keeping very close to her. But it’s not too hard. She does feel like the baby is heavier than she thought he would be but then she’s a lot weaker. She continues to feel rather indifferent even with the newborn in her arms – though there is a satisfaction in that he doesn’t cry when she holds him.

He smells quite nice too. He must have just had a bath...like the one she had last night. Johnson’s baby oil. Snap.

But they’re not the same. They’re not. She wouldn’t be able to cradle him if she was a baby too.

There’s an ’aww’ from the rest of the room and she looks up to see the other grown ups looking touched at her holding the baby. She doesn’t quite get what is so cute about it but then they start to compliment her on how well she’s looking after her cousin. What a big and clever girl she is. Sheridan looks to her dad and finds that he’s smiling proudly at her. There’s no doubt she’s not just a toy for them to tease and play with anymore.

She earns extra points by kissing his forehead gently, feeling a ticklish joy when he flexes his tiny fingers out of his blanket.

“What’s his name?” Sheridan whispers, not wanting to ruin her shining moment by waking him up.

“Jacob.” Steph tells her, gladly; “But we’re calling him Jake for short...”

Another jolt.

Another bump in the road. Another pot hole.

Sheridan freezes and knows she has to get off the comfort of this couch and onto solid ground before her mind flies off with any last chance she has of regaining her true age. The sudden shake as she tries to get up disturbs the baby who starts bawling and Sheridan struggles not to drop him there and then, her little arms unable to keep a firm hold on him while she’s trembling like this.

There’s a sharp gasp around the room and Steph’s husband steps forward, though Steph is close and quick enough to grab the baby and tuck him back in her arms, holding him protectively to her chest.

“Sheridan! What were you thinking, young lady?!” Grandma rebukes and Sheridan finds she’s lost her voice again.

She can’t remember ever seeing Grandma get cross with her.

“That was very silly, Sheridan. You know you shouldn’t move so fast when you’re holding a baby. You have to be careful.” Her dad moves forward and kneels down to her, his chastising a little softer though just as serious; “Remember to sit still with him next time, okay?”

She catches Steph and her husband exchange a look as if to say there might not be a next time.

“Gets her maternal skills from her mother, clearly.” Uncle Jim mumbles before taking another sip of his beer.

“Shush, leave her alone. She’s three, for God’s sake.” Dad shoots back, keeping his voice as calm as possible, not wanting an argument to break out with children around.

Sheridan frowns at her father and wonders how much he is still pretending and how much he...is ready to accept this as reality. Maybe even wanting it to be so. She doesn’t know anymore.

She stamps her foot; “I need to see Jake!”

All eyes focus on her again.

“Jake’s right there, dear. Let Auntie Steph calm him down first, yeah?” Grandma mentions, gesturing to Steph rocking her baby close and trying to quiet his disturbed wails.

Sheridan shakes her head; “No. Not that Jake. My boyfwiend...friend!”

The laughter erupting amongst all the adults makes her want to scream.

“You’re too little to have a boyfriend, sweetheart.” Uncle Chris teases.

“And trust me, Sheri, you don’t want one yet. Men are more trouble than they’re worth.” Auntie Janet comments.

Sheridan’s father clears his throat.

“Daddies are the exception, obviously.” Janet adds with a wink.

But Sheridan is ready to explode. She doesn’t want her daddy. She doesn’t want her uncles or even her late beloved granddad. She doesn’t need them anymore. Jake is the only man she needs. He’s all that she wants. But there’s no way he’s going to look at her twice again until she gets her real teenage body back. When Jake and everyone else remembers how old she’s meant to be.

She’s ready to make a beeline for the front door, ready to run out onto the street, but Auntie Janet lifts her up without the slightest strain.

“You’re bored, aren’t you sweetie? Let’s take you to play with your bigger cousins.” She says, excitedly; “You can tell them all about your boyfriend!”

Sheridan wriggles a little, looking over her aunt’s shoulder at her dad for help.

“Have fun, princess.” Dad merely smiles before sitting down to have a turn at meeting the new baby. And Sheridan’s heart tumbles out of place.

Her aunt takes her to her grandpa’s old den room which is now a space for the kids to entertain themselves while the adults mingle. Sheridan is set down on the floor.

“Your cousin Sheri is here, kids.” Janet announces rather loudly than Sheridan would like. “Be nice with her, okay? She’s a little shy today.”

Two of the children are watching Cars on the tv while her older cousins are playing table-tennis in the corner. They glance in her direction, giggling a little at her dress while they’re all in shorts and trendy t-shirts. The two on the sofa watching telly are about six and seven while the others and nine to eleven.

They don’t have time to argue before Aunt Janet closes the door, the sound making Sheri feel like a prison gate has been shut behind her.

It’s only then she realises she left Kiara in the car.