Regressing Reina

Chapter 1
Regressing Reina

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Chapter Description: We all need a vital break in our lives *Soft edits made*

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Regressing me, interesting gift I guess

Another year, another year older. My feelings on my birthday have become increasingly jaded to say the least over the past decade, many years of failed suicide attempts and now the determination to see my transition through to the end have had an effect my feelings towards life.

While my suicidal feelings of before are being suppressed thanks to my transition and to the hormone replacement therapy most of all, they are still there along with my depression, just waiting for their chance to strike and overwhelm me.

I do what I can to ensure that they can not do that, I avoid playing as male in video games since those weaken my defences considerably, I do all I can to be myself and not fall into the peer pressure trap that society enforces in it’s efforts to push conformity on everyone. I have sacrificed so much to get to this point in my life and I am determined to be myself regardless of the risks to myself.

So for those reading this story which is a mix of fictional and non-fiction, it is how the ideas are insisting that they be written and this is my first full attempt to break the fourth wall with my writing by, against my better judgement, to have myself as the main lead since that is what the ideas are insisting.

Bear in mind that I am not ego-centric, I care very little about myself and do not see myself in a very good light. So on with the story:

~~

As with every birthday in memory that I have had in my over thirty years of life, I am disappointed that my strongest wish has not come true. It never does.

As a child I would pray and wish every night and every day to fully become female, to be who I knew I was meant to be, and all I got was disappointment. After a while of that you become so used to disappointment that it’s all you ever expect.

Expectations of the impossible are delusions.

Another birthday has arrived and as usual the day is just another day like any other with only one slight difference – a small treat to myself for making it another year by allowing myself a glass of shloer, white grape flavour only though, didn’t have any luck in finding my preferred apple and grape flavour.

The juice is sharp and nice enough as I sip it, it isn’t exactly what I wish I could receive for my birthday though.

“Happy birthday me” I say to myself in my mind, my birthday’s have become so meaningless to me. I can hear Stargate SG1 in the background playing on the DVD player in the living room, another Gateathon for the sake of much needed background noise so to help me cope with my PTSD. I like the series but it’s all just background noise to help my mind cope.

The computer is on and connected to the Net so another few hours of bored browsing while trying to muster the will to write, this year being added with the still strong sorrow for my deceased friend who I miss deeply. Maybe I might be able to muster the will to play some Mabinogi or Star Trek Online, maybe.

My heart isn’t in it though. I worry that my depression may be returning but it is still being held back, I am simply worn out from my transition and struggling with motivation issues.

Most would probably say that I sound like I’m complaining or apathetic, the truth is that I am very, very tired of being alive. I am only living for the sake of my transition, I gave up on life a long time ago.

After finishing my small birthday treat, which is probably pitiful to many, I wash the glass and place it on the drainer as always before heading back through to the living room. One of the episodes on the DVD is nearing it’s end, the DVD uses an auto play feature so I don’t need to use the remote for now to go to the next episode. I consider transforming one of the Transformers from the collection but there are too many to choose from, and I don’t feel fully up to it.

A lack of motivation is a pain.

Maybe I’ll transform one later once I can muster enough will to do it, since my friend’s death over four months ago my motivation has been on a very rapid decline from what it already was. I miss him so much.

The only thing I do feel any motivation for is my transition and that is a slow going process.

“Okay, old girl, may as well browse then” Sitting down at my computer, which I finished paying off last month, I turn the monitor on and go through the usual routine – Check for updates to Windows, download, tap on my default browser symbol and open Deviant Art then open another tab for Facebook, check mail in a few minutes. Probably the usual spam mail and pleas to sign more petitions for American causes. Another day like any other.

Before I can do that though there is a loud knock at the door, which is strange in itself since I rarely get visitors and some guy I’ve been helping for the past almost year tends to have a soft knock.

Another loud knock seconds later. Not any of the transphobic prats in the village then, they tend to kick the door or punch the living room window and run away thinking themselves big men for being assholes.

Getting up from the uncomfortable computer chair I go through to the dark hallway – the way it’s designed prevents a great deal of light getting in without the aid of artificial light – and get my keys from my handbag. Another loud knock.

“Aye, hang on” Unlocking the door with a slight twist of the key, I open it slowly and I see someone I shouldn’t ever be able to see – myself as a woman in full.

~

She is exactly as I have always seen her in my mind, black hair that isn’t entirely black but close to that, chocolate brown eyes, a natural tanned skin, an average figure with a pretty average bust size, five foot three inches in height.

“Not exactly as I pictured you, but that’s fine. I knew you were trans the instant I was told about you, I just hoped you looked more like you know you are than like this. You probably know me since you created me so no introductions needed. So come on, you’ve got a birthday present waiting for you” Not me then, of sorts, but her, my daughter of sorts. Reina Beaumont.

“Excuse me?” I’m surprised to see my own creation standing there as real as life, after all fiction is fiction, not reality.

“Birthday present, I’ve been sent here to the real world, well the real world for you, to get you and take you to the world you created for your series. That Trilena person got permission to allow this because there’s a worry that your depression will return and you’ll kill yourself if you don’t get a break and a chance to restore your motivation. So move that transitioning backside and come with me” Definitely her, I did write her to have the same kind of blunt directness as my own, only more so than mine.

“No” It was a tad too sudden after all. “I can’t, I have to stay here” Oh how I wish I was fully female like her, I was supposed to look like that, not like this wreck of a birth defect.

“You’ll still be here, I was told that a copy of you would remain here and be connected with you mentally so to help you both before you are returned here after your rest. Reina, trust me, okay? You do trust me, aye?” I have a hard time trusting anyone, I’ve been hurt so much over the years, but I do trust her. But how could she even be here? This didn’t make any sense, it wasn’t some holodeck thing like in Star Trek, this is real life.

“I’m no good with the whole science thing so I can’t explain how I’m here and how I’ll get you to my world, but if you trust me then you know I will never allow you to be harmed. Please, Reina, you need this” A break from the flat would be nice, hell, a break from life would be nice. It isn’t like I have anything planned for the day anyway other than seeing my parents in the evening for a couple of hours or so.

Another birthday, another day after all.

“Let me get my handbag then and my coat” I never went out of the flat without my handbag, very practical thing to have.

“You don’t need your coat, but I guess you’ll need your handbag. Nature really dealt you a cruel hand, didn’t it? No wonder you’re struggling to fend off your depression and suicidal feelings, that body is a complete wreck” Like I needed to be reminded of that. Grabbing my handbag after slipping my shoes on quickly, I head out, lock the door and follow her outside. She stops and reaches out into thin air and I watch to my surprise as the air she touches in that spot seems to ripple.

“Dimensional rift of sorts, it’s tuned to both of us so no one else can use it. At least that’s what this Trilena person told me, I don’t’ understand it much myself. Maybe one day I’ll be more willing to understand science again when I’m good and ready. Take my hand” I’m generally reluctant to be touched due to my fear of being touched, but I felt I could trust her so I reach out and take her hand, which she grips tightly.

“You’ll be safe, Reina, I promise. I’ve never let you down” Which is true. Besides if this dimensional thing killed me then at least it would be quick.

~

The feeling of going into another universe or reality or whatever is an unusual feeling, although it probably depends on how you entered. For me it felt like the kind of tingling you get before a pins and needles attack, or before a panic attack.

It doesn’t take long, barely a second or so, and we don’t seem to have gone anywhere. The flats are still there as are the rather drab council houses. Yet there is a feeling that something is different, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly but it does feel different here.

“That was new” I remark and I see my daughter, of sorts, looking at me with a look of surprise on her face. “What?” I take a step and that’s when I notice a difference, one difference anyway, I don’t have unwanted junk between my legs bumping against them.

“The hell?” And then I notice the other difference, there is a slight breeze and instead of feeling the degradation from years of testosterone exposure, depression and stress being affected, I feel hair being ruffled by the light breeze.

“I wasn’t told that would happen” I don’t dare to get my hopes up, maybe I was just day dreaming it as I usually do. “Got a mirror back at the house, you need to see this. Come on, this way” I feel different, almost lighter. The blubber from years of depression and giving up on life is completely gone which is wonderful, but there are definitely other changes, my whole body feels different and I can feel my mind singing in overwhelming joy at what’s happened.

But what has happened? It isn’t like I can just stop, strip and examine myself in public.

“It isn’t far to my house, Reina, come on. I think you’re going to love what’s happened” I am curious about what’s happened and that’s putting it mildly, my breasts feel different, that’s for sure, they feel bigger instead of budding and I can feel them bouncing despite the sports bra supporting them. Boing boing and all that.

Just as I had written, Reina’s house is at Caird Place near the outskirts of the village. However this Sandhaven is bigger, not Fraserburgh big but bigger than the Sandhaven I’m used to. I can see two additional streets branching off from Magnus Road, streets that may or may not be made back in the other Sandhaven.

“Come on in, you did create this place after all in your imagination. Your dream home” I didn’t realise we had gotten there so quickly, I was too busy looking around while feeling my mind screaming in joy at the changes that happened to the body.

I follow her inside and see just how right she is, it is my dream home. A one story house with a small hallway where coats and handbags are hung up with a door that leads into the living room that is combined with the kitchen, the living room is a cosy affair that has enough room for a sofa and two recliners, a TV, game consoles, a DVD player, two display cabinets and a window that looks out onto the street with a good view of the surrounding farmland around the village.

The kitchen is an open kitchen like I’ve always wanted, it is a good size with all of the required stuff and when I see it I like it instantly. I can see where the house leads to the bedrooms and bathroom, five bedrooms – one for Reina, one for Karen, one for Naomi, a spare bedroom that is used for various things other than a bedroom and a specialised room made for Reina in particular and was used by Karen when she was a baby again, the room of course is a nursery where Reina sleeps when she has triggered her medical requirement.

This is the house I have always yearned for but know I can never have.

Although I would probably turn the spare rooms into rooms for the Transformers collection, a mini library and for my growing collection of DVD’s and Star Trek models. One of them would be turned into a computer room with a wall removed so that it became part of the living room.

I would dream of having a house like this when I was young but a lack of funds and a very limited income put an end to that dream.

“Would love a place like this back in my home universe, dimension, whatever. So much nicer than that drab, dreary council flat” I can hear footsteps, two sets, and another two of my creations appear – Naomi and Karen.

Karen is as cute as a child as I had imagined, light brown hair with bright blue eyes looking out from under a stubborn fringe, a week away or so from becoming eight years old again. She just about comes up to Naomi’s waist and looks much like her mum in the nose and mouth.

Naomi is also exactly as imagined, her eyes are not as bright as Karen’s but they are still a cool blue under dark brown hair that has a slight hint of red, she is slim but not impossibly so, her figure is about average for a woman in her mid thirties, she is taller than both me and Reina by at last almost a full foot.

“This her?” Naomi asks. “I thought you said she was a transwoman like Harriet, but she looks fully female to me, what happened?” Fully female? Did she say fully female?

“I don’t know, when she came through with me it just happened. Come with me, Reina, you need to see this” Taking my hand, Reina grabs me through to where I have always pictured the spare room to me and shoves me in front of a full length mirror.

And what I say makes me do something completely uncharismatic – I scream in complete and utter shocked delight.

I’m fully female at last, 100% fully female.

The shock hits me fast and everything turns black as I pass out. Another uncharismatic thing of me.

~~

“You told me you were fast, but I never thought you were that fast” Naomi speaking, she has a Broch brogue to her voice, a kind of fast dialect that sounds thick but can be understood if the person is speaking clearly enough.

“Considering that her head would have impacted on the floor then yay for the Empire training, I think she’s waking up” Which I am. My eyes open slowly to see Reina looking down at me with a worried expression on her face, Naomi is standing just behind her.

“It isn’t a dream, is it?” I whisper, the shock at seeing myself as I was meant to be had been too much for me to take.

“No dream, you’re really fully female. Caught you before you hit the floor, feeling alright?” I did feel alright despite the shock, if this wasn’t a dream then did that mean I was fully female for the rest of my life or was it only for the short term? Was life going to take away my hope for happiness yet again once I returned to my home universe?

I wanted this to be for the rest of my life, after everything I’ve endured and suffered with, am I not due a break?

“Best contact Trilena then, hadn’t you?” I look at Naomi when I say that, I know she has a comm. bracelet because I wrote it.

Naomi just nods and leaves the room, she likely doesn’t trust me which is understandable. I did write her to be very suspicious of strangers and I was a stranger in her eyes.

“If this was my gift then it’s the best gift that anyone could ever give me, I hope it’s permanent” Reina and Naomi must have laid me down on the bed since I’m not on the floor like I was expecting, the bed is soft, so much softer than my own. Mine badly needed a new mattress.

“Actually I didn’t know this was going to happen, this isn’t the gift. Got to admit though that you look a lot better than that wreck you were forced to live in. You look like my counterpart, she’s the same age as you” Of course, as written.

“The gift I was to give you comes from one of your short stories, I’ll wait until Naomi’s done with whatever she’s gone to do before I get it. If you want to examine yourself then go ahead, I’ll be outside if you need me” Reina leaves the room, closing the door behind her, and I get up from the wonderfully soft bed. My body felt so natural to me, this was how I was meant to be. There are no annoying parts between my legs getting in the way, no mass amounts of body hair being annoying.

I can feel my full head of hair which I run my fingers through, it feels so soft and cared for.

I go over to the mirror and smile with joy at what I see, I see myself at last.

“Hello beautiful” I whisper to myself, as I said that I felt so much joy within myself at finally praising myself in such a way. Never in all my life had I ever done that before, but this warranted that remark. I was beautiful on the outside, really beautiful.

Well an average beauty. I looked exactly like Reina, a little older, but still beautiful. I looked like my mum as well in many ways while also having a slight hint of my dad and maybe other relatives in the blood lines.

My reflection shows a woman in her mid thirties with short black hair that frames her face, dark brown eyes that show a hard life but an inner strength to keep going regardless. The mouth shows a quiet smile that has a gentle warmth to it, the nose is the same as ever and pretty cute. The cheeks have a little age fat to them but are very soft to the touch, the chin and jaw line look exactly as they should do with a feminine lightness.

The face has a roundness to it, exactly as it should.

Since I need to examine myself beyond my facial features then I undress, grateful that the little window in the room has a closed curtain, and examine my body gently.

I really am quite beautiful, average yes, but beautiful as far as I’m concerned. This is me, this is who I was meant to be and should have developed into instead of that wreck of a birth defect that nature and depression had forced me into.

My body frame is now curvy with a pretty good breast size, I give them a small bounce and giggle in delight, they weren’t as painful as my budding breasts had been. Not a single trace of body hair other than the one spot which is to be expected, oh how I wish I could be this smooth and without body hair in that old wreck of a body.

My stomach is now less protruding while showing a hint of weight gained from my getting older and being over my thirties – once you hit your thirties then you’re pretty much doomed – and my hips and every other part of me is exactly as they are supposed to be. I am, in my eyes, beautiful.

“This is me” I whisper to myself. “I may not be like one of those beloved super models that the media loves so much, but I like what I see. This is me and I want to stay this way, because there’s no chance that my wreck of a body in my home universe will ever cooperate with me to allow this. It’s too damaged by years of testosterone exposure while this body is exactly what I should have had in the first place.

This is me and for the first time in my life I felt a strong love for my body, a compassion for it instead of a hatred. I finally loved myself.

“You’re not masturbating in there, are you?” Reina asks after a brief knock on the door.

“No! Eww, no bloody way, I don’t care about sex! Just checking myself out” I get my clothes back on and Reina enters just as I pull down on the hem of the top I was wearing.

“Good, seeing my creator masturbating is not on my list of things to see before I die, whenever that is. So is your body exactly as you knew it should be?” I nod, it is. Everything is exactly as it is meant to be.

“Great to hear, you do look good, your eyes are fairly twinkling with happiness. Naomi’s asking to speak to you before I show you why I brought you here” Why was Naomi wanting to see me? I knew she wasn’t very fond of transwomen due to her feelings towards men, although transwomen are not men, but too many tend to think we are due to what’s between our legs instead of who we really are within.

I dread that I may have to return to that life, so tired of the hate.

Naomi is still struggling to come to terms with Harriet, a transwoman who I am still working on writing more development of despite knowing her fate, so how she feels about her creator being a transwoman could be pretty strong.

“Thank you, I’ll see what she wants then. This gift of yours better not be your bio-tech because I really don’t want to live a long time, it’s taking a lot out of me to live as it is” The thought of living for too long does not sit well with me at all.

“That would be a cruel thing to do, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. You’ll find out soon, almost ready” I’m not a fan of vague but if she’s determined then I may as well let her do whatever it is she is intending on doing.

Reina leaves the room and I go through to where Naomi is, she’s in her own room putting away the comm. bracelet. Reina never would find it, Trilena made sure of that after Naomi’s death five years from now.

“You needed to see me?” I ask after a light knock on her door.

“Aye, Trilena’s as surprised as Reina and me about this, she’s going to check with her employers about what’s happened. She doesn’t know if it’s permanent or short term but she hopes you’ll enjoy it for the time being” Too bloody right I will.

“I was expecting to see someone else, not someone who looks just like Reina” Understandable.

“Naomi, just because my body was born the wrong way does not make me or any other transwoman a threat. I am hoping that this change is permanent but I doubt it is, life would never be to generous as to make me fully female after putting me through so much misery all through my life. Just like Harriet, I am no threat to you, Reina, Karen or anyone. I wouldn’t harm my own creations, you’re like my children to me” Naomi smiles a little, this was probably hard for her to accept which was understandable, after all how often do you find out that you’re a story character written by a woman who has suffered from a deep depression ever since she was barely out of nappies?

“I’m sure the religious people of this universe would freak out if they found that that they’re so-called God was actually a transwomen in a universe very much like this one who is fighting years of depression, stress and undergoing a very long and stressful transition and who at this time has become fully female, just as she has always wished, for who knows how long. It would probably cause riots and a lot of questioning from many about the meaning of their lives” Probably, pity that didn’t happen in my home universe to be honest, maybe it would do something about the amount of religious bigotry and violence.

Maybe life back home was a story written by someone, that would be quite the hard hitter to reality if that was true.

“I think something like that back home would be welcome after the amount of harm that religion has caused and still causes. Anyway as I was saying, I’m no threat to you. Aye as the writer I can kill off characters but just like in life, it happens and there’s really little that the writer can do but let it happen because it must” I didn’t want to tell her that she only had five years left, that would not go down well. People had a hard time accepting the reality of fate that was death.

“Just be sure to give me a few more years at least, Reina and Karen are already in for long lives as it is” Indeed.

“It’s ready! Come on through to the nursery!” Time for the great unveiling by the sound of it. I head through to the nursery, Naomi close behind me, and find Reina giving her daughter a hug, likely for the help since it looks like the nursery was given a slight touch up.

The nursery is a medium sized room that was written to be made for Reina in particular, Naomi hadn’t expected for Karen to become a baby so it became Karen’s room for a while and a second crib was added for whenever Reina triggered her medical requirement.

The room is cheerful with gender neutral colours and cute prints of various cartoon characters placed around the walls. There are two cribs in the room, one is a soft pastel pink and purple with a baby mobile above, starships and stars by the look of it although I do not recognise the ship designs.

The other crib is a soft red with yellow trimmings and the same mobile above it, there is a dresser that has baby clothes in it for an 18 month old baby girl – as written – and it is also used as a changing table, the dresser is designed to ensure safety for a young child being changed on there.

There is a cupboard which has stacks of nappies and other baby supplies in it, in one of the cribs is a copy of Bun Bun, a brown and white plush toy.

“Oh wait, forgot one more thing” Opening a plastic bag close to one of the cribs, Reina takes out an exact copy of Bun Bun and places it in the second crib.

“Everyone needs a cuddly” Whatever she was planning, she was clearly quite set on it.

“This room is as cute as I imagined it to be, so what are you up to? If my becoming fully female wasn’t the gift then what is?” Reina looks over to Naomi before answering.

“Might want to get some baby supplies ready. Reina, do you remember a short story you wrote for someone called Babysitting Sammy? Trilena informed me about the stories you’ve written so I know of them and I know it was a one off short story that was not connected to the main series, but was instead just intended to be a single story on it’s own as a birthday present to that person in your universe” I know of it, it had been a sudden idea at the time and I had written it out despite how tired I was at the time. I had recently did some renovations on the story to improve paragraphing and some added words to one spoken scene as well as some fixes to places.

“Remember the youth formula in it?” I nod, I remembered it. “Trilena managed to get her hands on some thanks to her employers” Ah, I think I see what’s going on here.

“So when Trilena told you about me and that I was the writer of all of this and that I needed a break, you popped into my universe to take me here and make me younger, didn’t you?” A nod is my reply, added with a smile.

“But it would have only turned me into a baby boy, unless it’s been tweaked” A suspicion in my gut says it has.

“Her employers tweaked this sample to allow you to become fully female for the duration, they likely didn’t expect you to become fully female when you arrived here. If you don’t want to do this then that’s okay but I felt this would be a good way to ensure that you got a much needed break, transition is pretty tough going without taking a break when you need to” I do need a break and it did sound good for sure.

“How long?” Better to know after all.

“I was thinking a week, when you return to your home universe that week will still have passed there but you’ll have the memories of having spent a week being young for that duration. I know it isn’t very long but it’s the most that Trilena’s employers felt was best since you are, technically, a mismatching element here. The creator of this universe being in the universe they created, no idea what that could do, so a week is the most they feel is safe” Reasonable, a week was better than nothing. Since there is a copy of me back in my home universe living my life and being sure to keep taking the daily HRT dose then it shouldn’t be a problem.

“So how will we do this? Do I drink it, have it splashed on me, what?” Naomi sets down a large changing mat on the floor, adult size.

“Ah, I take it I need to be wearing a nappy as it takes effect? Okay, I guess that’s reasonable considering the changes that a youth formula would make to the body, there’s bound to be a loss of muscle control during the process” It was logical after all, better safe than sorry.

“You two go through to the living room for now” Karen skips through to the living room, Reina stays behind. “I don’t think she’s going to want you watching as I place a nappy on her, go on” Reluctantly Reina goes through to the living room and closes the nursery door behind her.

“Unless you would like to put it on yourself?” Part of me wanted to do that but another part of me rather liked the idea of being babied in such a manner.

“Promise not to pry and such?” I knew she would anyway but I am quite cautious, no one’s ever babied me before, not since I was a young child anyway.

“I’ve done this for Reina many times, what you have isn’t anything I haven’t already seen before on myself and Reina. Besides you’re asexual, correct?” A nod in reply. “Then I know you won’t become stimulated, and I promise to be gentle and respectful. Now let’s get you padded” Being babied by one of my own creations, that has got to be one for the books for sure.

“Mind if I keep my bra and top on at least?” A shrug in reply.

“Up to you, like I said, I’ll be gentle” To be fair I trust my creations more than I do real people usually, I know my creations while real life people have caused me harm many times over the years.

Getting half undressed, and being very modest in the process since the shame of the body I had before is still pretty strong, I lay down on the changing mat carefully after Naomi has opened a thick looking adult nappy and placed it down.

The softness of the nappy against my now very smooth skin is soothing on the offset, the HRT had been increasing my senses and had already increased them a fair bit before I came here, but this was remarkable. My senses were so strong now, every smell, every touch, every sound was quite intense to me.

“First some powder and lotion, I’ll be gentle” A gasp escapes my lips from her touch as she applies the powder and lotion, my body was definitely very sensitive now. The sensitivity was more intense than that caused by the HRT’s changes to how my body had been before, it wasn’t sexual though, it was more a feeling of safety and security.

Something I haven’t felt in regards of someone touching me in such a long time.

She is gentle, as she promised, and within what feels like a minute or less she brings the front of the nappy up and secures it firmly before giving it a soft pat.

“There, one creator all thickly padded. Feeling okay?” I feel incredible, the nappy is making me feel so safe, so secure. I can already feel the stress starting to melt away.

“Five by five, that was new for me, I haven’t had a nappy put on me by anyone else since I was very young” Naomi smiles and gets up, offering a hand to me once she’s on her feet. Pulling me up carefully, I try to shift my weight to my feet as I get up, Naomi then picks up the clothing I had taken off and leaves the room after she’s opened the door, not before calling out to Reina:

“She’s padded. Karen, don’t you eat the cake yet, it’s for our guest as well, hold your horses” Here I am in the nursery of my dream room in another universe wearing a thick nappy, really thick nappy, fully female and actually being treated with such kindness and compassion. A rarity for sure and I still feel that it’s some dream, it doesn’t feel like a dream and I have dreams where things feel very real all too often.

In any normal, if such a thing as normal existed, situation this would be attributed to some movie or some TV show episode or some story. Maybe this is a story that I’m writing, how Matrix of me to think that. I didn’t like those movies though.

It is strange to me to be treated with such kindness though, I’m too used to being treated as less than dirt.

“You look pretty cute in that, so ready for some down time?” Reina asks when she enters the room.

“Aye, I guess I am. Finding it hard to believe I’m being treated so kindly, if this was a dream I wouldn’t want it to end. I’m not used to being treated in this way, I keep expecting to be hurt” Years of being on edge and ready for more abuse can make it pretty hard to let anyone close.

“Reina, you are family in a big sense. You created me, my daughter, my sister, Naomi, everyone I know and have known. You created my home universe and this universe, you’ve written with love, care and respect and you’ve clearly considered your creations to be your children. So you are safe here, anyone harms my family and they will find out just how devoted I am to my family. Like I said, you’re safe here” I know she means it, I wrote her to be devoted to those who are important to her. Maybe I can allow myself to lower my guard and let myself be cared for instead of being on the defensive and ready to run.

I do need the break so badly.

“What now?” I ask, although I already know more or less.

“Well the formula can be applied as a splash to the skin or you could ingest it, got a preference?” Ingesting sounded okay.

“I guess I could swallow it, I wrote it to take a minute or so to kick in, not sure if the tweaked version will work the same way. With my being fully female at this time then it’s hard to say what effect it might have, if any” After all my sudden sex realignment had clearly not been intended.

“Naomi!” Reina calls out before leaving the room, I follow after her. Karen has already seen her mum wearing a nappy so is written to be used to it and as expected she is, she looks over to me, smiles and returns to her book. Karen is, in many ways, the child I used to picture that I would have had, had I not been born in the wrong sex.

Nature sure likes to be cruel at times.

“Not sure if it would be diluted if mixed in with milk though” I can hear Naomi speaking to Reina in the kitchen. “I don’t even understand how a youth formula could even be real, there are a lot of rich people out there who would sell their souls, if they hadn’t already probably sold them, to have something like this. I’m worried that it might be found out and you really don’t want any more of those bloody paparazzi prying into your life again nor risking Karen’s life” I understood and respected her concerns, it was the same in my home universe. If such a formula existed back home then it would only be available for the very rich, no one else would even know about it. Sharing is not exactly seen as a priority as far as the greedy are concerned.

“I can easily drink it straight up, not a fan of milk anyway. I loved it when I was very young but I haven’t been fond it since I was about six or seven years old” I didn’t write it to have a particular taste to I was curious as to how it would taste, milk would dilute it for sure.

“If you’re sure” Very.

“I’m very sure, here or the nursery?” As long as the nappy stayed on me like it had to the version of Reina Beaumont in the short story then I wasn’t bothered where I drank it.

“Here! Drink it here, I want to see how little you become like mum does when she becomes little” A vote from Karen. Naomi hands me a small vial which I take gently with both hands, didn’t want to risk dropping it in case one of my hands locked up, holding it in two at least allowed me to cup it in both hands and hold it close to myself.

Examining the vial I see that the formula looks almost like water, but I can see a slight hint of colour in the liquid.

“Happy birthday to me then, and happy birthday to my daughter here as well” Holding the vial carefully, I tip the contents into my mouth.

The first taste is a bitter one then it becomes sweeter and seems to dissolve on my tongue. And then a soft tingle can be felt throughout my body, a gentle one.

“Not bad, tasted a little like one of those warhead sweets I was able to try last year” The tingling starts to build, and a new feeling, like the feeling you get when cold and you curl up in a ball to try and get warm.

“Oooo, wow, something’s happening” The feeling increases and I start to feel the top I am wear as well as the t-shirt and my bra begin to empty, looking down at my chest and peeping down it I watch as my breasts begin to shrink.

“I just got those!” I remark in surprise, they are shrinking so quickly and the feeling continues to increase. I look at Naomi and Reina and see that they are starting to begin much taller, I was the same height as Reina and she was becoming taller than me at a fast rate.

I feel the bra fall away into the t-shirt as my shoulders narrow, my chest shrinking and becoming flat, the t-shirt sagging and soon joining it on the floor with my top. The only thing fitting me is the nappy.

The formula has definitely been tweaked since it hadn’t worked this fast in the short story. It had taken several minutes or more, now it is taking about a minute or so. My adulthood was completely gone and I am rapidly becoming a toddler.

I feel my legs weaken and I drop to the ground, the nappy softening the fall as much as possible and I sit there, a little stunned at how quickly I have become so young.

“Wow” I say after a few seconds, I look up, a long way up, at Reina and Naomi who are looking as surprised as I am at how quickly it had happened.

“Up?” I enquire, words are becoming hard to speak, and Naomi picks me up and holds me gently. I can’t believe how tiny I am now.

“Ikkle now” My voice is so young, I feel so very vulnerable and tiny, everything is so big and I feel a strong dependence on Naomi and Reina to keep me safe. I was too young to do much of anything now and it was becoming increasingly hard to concentrate, my mind was feeling fuzzy.

“You’ll probably need a nappy change soon, Reina always does after she’s triggered her medical requirement. The process of becoming so young can be a strain on the body and it needs to release as much of that strain after a short while” Made sense. I think, it is really hard to think like an adult while this young.

All that I have learned, all of my memories, everything that I am is slipping away and what’s left is a very young mindset that doesn’t understand but wants to understand.

So I cry, just like the baby I now am.

~~

After being calmed down and cuddled, which feels so nice at this young age, I’m changed after I use my nappy – which was to be expected – and dressed in a new nappy and very cute and really comfortable purple one piece with snap buttons on the front. I feel very infantile mentally while I’m still aware but not able to communicate very well, words are hard to form in full.

“Every bit as adorable as Reina at this age” Naomi remarks after patting my nappy again, she liked doing that and I liked it being patted, it made me feel even more safe and small.

“Now would you like to crawl or be carried into the living room?” I babble in a clumsy attempt to say ’Crawl!’ but it doesn’t come out that way, the attempt just gets me a little kiss on my forehead. It isn’t easy to talk when your vocal cords are still fully developing and your young mind is still processing the words it’s hearing.

It really is fascinating being so young and being aware of being so young.

Carrying me through to the living room, Naomi sets me down on Reina’s lap and Reina gives me a firm but gentle cuddle. I give a coo of happiness at the cuddle, it was really nice.

“She looks like mum when she’s little” Karen remarks, and Karen herself is so big in comparison to my current size. It is amazing how small we are when we are very young.

“Mum, are you going to be little too or adult little?” Good question, Reina did need to tend to her medical needs often for the sake of her health.

“Not really sure, maybe. I think Naomi’s wanting to treat to the two birthday girls before that though, aren’t you?” I just stick my thumb in my mouth and suck on it happily, it is so soothing.

“Hmm, two cuties in their high chairs having birthday cake is definitely great for photos. Up to you though” Reina thinks about it while she bounces me on her lap, my squeals of delight making her and Naomi smile and laugh at the innocent happiness from the baby girl having so much fun. As a baby the simple things like being bounced on a lap can be the most enjoyable after all.

“Would you be able to take care of two babies though and Karen? It’s asking a lot of you” That was true, Naomi was written to love taking care of children but there is a limit even for someone who loves to care for children.

“If I have any problems then I’ll get some help, but I’m sure I can manage. So downtime for the former soldier or adult nappy time with babying time?” Karen reaches out to me and I reach out to her, my tiny hand being enveloped in her much larger hand. She smiles and tries to take me from her mum’s lap, at her age though I’m a little awkward to be held in her arms too well and I squirm as she tries. Reina helps her to get a better grip of me and Karen lowers me to the ground where I shift into a position that hints at being able to crawl.

I can crawl, I’m sure of it, it’s like an instinctive understanding in my young mind that I can crawl. So as Karen backs away and over to the play pen before sitting down and opening her arms and coaxing me to crawl over, I do, as fast as my little arms and legs can manage.

This of course results in the ever typical baby waddle from that crawling and I don’t need to see Naomi and Reina to know that they’re wishing they had a camera at that moment to take a picture, or maybe making a video, of my crawling to Karen.

“No matter how many times I see that in a young child, it is always adorable” I hear Naomi remark as Karen gives me a hug for making it to her so fast. I wonder how much of a crawling terror I must have been when I was a baby the first time round? Although I was told that I had learned to run before I could crawl. Maybe this regression affected that development, hard to say really.

But I could try to run.

Since I am sitting after my crawl and hug, then I’m pretty much in the right starting point for trying to stand and run, if my development stage in this second young childhood is still at the same point that it was the first time.

Leaning froward and placing my hands on the floor, I then try to push myself up to a four legged stance, so far so good. Now for the tricky part at this age.

Pushing myself from the floor by my hands, I start to stand up with the expected wobble and sway as my legs try to support the upper weight. Looks like I was right, I can stand, somewhat.

“Looks like we’ve got a fast learner there. Come on, cutie, walk towards us” Naomi crouches and opens her arm so to act as a point for me to toddle towards.

Okay, legs, let’s see if you can run.

One small step first, then another, each one a wobbling sway as I try to get my balance. Then the steps increase and become faster and I run, in a toddler fashion, over to Naomi and make it just as my balance gives out.

A long way to go for sure.

“Well done! You must have learned how to run before you could walk and crawl when you were a baby the first time round” I babble excitedly, that was fun, I wasn’t sure if I could do that.

“Maybe you and Reina could have toddler races, if Reina’s going to trigger her requirement and become a cutie as well” That sounded like fun to me.

“I’ll think about it” Reina remarks while I plop myself down on the floor and suck my thumb, I need this after my little run.

~~

Almost two hours later Reina is in a high chair next to me, as young as me after triggering her medical requirement a little over an hour ago and now completely infantile mentally and in a fresh nappy.

As Naomi places down two little bowls with birthday cake in them, she and Karen sing happy birthday to us and we dig in, in the way toddlers do. Cake between our fingers, around our mouths, on our bibs, pretty much everywhere but our mouths.

This was really fun.

“From two grown women who can eat cleanly to two messy baby girls and so many photo opportunities for mass cuteness” Which she does, a lot of pictures. Cake does end up going to more places as well, Karen finds herself splattered with cake as does Naomi.

I have to admit that I love being a baby.

~~

As a baby it is hard to keep track of time, everything to a baby is a sequence of events that don’t have any exact point of time. One moment you’re eating and making a mess, the next you’re being cleaned up and cuddled, the next you’re crawling and toddling around playing, the next you’re getting your nappy changed.

I’m not sure what time it is while me and Reina are being bathed, all I know is that the water is warm and it’s fun to play in. Water, of course, gets everywhere once you begin splashing and we’re soon splashing with glee. Poor Naomi gets soaked as she tries to clean us up and she laughs with us as we laugh, I can tell that despite how much of a handful we both are that she is enjoying herself considerably.

After our bath and drying us off, dressing us into thick night nappies and bedtime baby pyjamas and giving us both a bedtime feeding, Naomi and Karen have a cuddle with us. Were you to see it then it would look like this:

Karen is curled up with Naomi cuddling beside her, Naomi is also curled up and both her and Karen are cradling two very happy and sleepy baby girls on their laps. Two little mouths open in a yawn every minute or so, two little hands rub at tiny eyes.

The room is a comfortable warmth and the only sounds in the house are the baby yawns and sleepy coos, it’s peaceful.

“Bedtime for two sleepy nappy bums” Naomi whispers as Reina yawns again, I yawn shortly after. I am so comfortable, I feel so safe. My life from before seemed so far away.

“Let’s get you both to your beds” Cradling us both in her arms, Naomi gets up from the sofa, Karen following closely behind her, and goes through to the nursery. By now my eyes feel much too heavy to keep open, I haven’t felt this comfortable in so long.

Laying Reina down in her crib first, then me in the second crib, she kisses us both on our foreheads, humming softly.

“Sweet dreams, little ones, I’m close by if you need me” Baby monitors are switched on and Karen reaches through the bars to squeeze our tiny hands. By now we’re both about to doze off.

Karen leaves the room with Naomi, who leaves the door open a little, and both head into the living room.

Reina coos happily in her crib and I do the same, this is bliss. And soon we are both fast asleep.

~~

The next few days are pretty much the same routine, babies require a routine after all, and I find it to be a peaceful routine. Reina ages back and heads to work on the first morning while I spend the day in Naomi’s care, Karen heads to school.

My day is spent with play, naps, nappy changes, being fed, bath times, cuddles, hugs and generally just being a baby. And as a young child I pretty much explore, which fairly keeps Naomi on her toes.

It really is amazing how big the world is when you’re so young, everything is an adventure to be experienced, everything is to be learned. What dangers there are do not matter to you because the natural curiosity at such a young age overrules any notion of caution.

And when you’re not exploring you’re napping or playing, being changed is enjoyable when you’re this young, being fed is just another round of play. When I cuddle with my own Bun Bun, the softness of the fake fur and the feeling of the floppy ears on my head make me giggle happily. Everything is an experience at this age.

Take for example the sofa, to an adult it doesn’t seem all that big, right? To a young child at my current age the sofa is like a mountain, the floor seems so far away. And with that natural curiosity in place then you want to see if you can get down that far, so you try in the way toddlers do – trial and error.

My first attempts are clumsy, I fall on my padded backside often which results in an eruption of giggles and laughter. My next attempts yield more success as I learn to use my legs as support, before I fall on my backside and erupt into innocent laughter at the impact of my nappy on the floor.

Eventually I get the hang of getting down from the sofa, next was getting back up.

So everything is a learning experience and it’s all fun. And that was how I spent my few days as a baby, I learned, I played, I ate, I slept, I got cleaned up a lot and I got cuddled and hugged a lot. No bills to worry about, no disability pains, no transphobics, just blissful, innocent peace.

Sadly that came to an end when the formula wore off.

It was around the third day of being a baby when it wore off, I had woken up from a nap and received a nappy change since I needed one after my nap, yay for thick nappies. After my nappy change was cuddle time before I was sat down on the sofa with Bun Bun who received a major league cuddling session with a little chewing on an ear, I was a baby, what do you expect? Civil discourse about the ramifications of potty training at a later age?

That was when the tingling started to kick in and jolts of pain. Bun Bun was unceremoniously dropped on the seat and I tried to call out to Naomi, Reina was at work again and Karen was at school, I’m not sure what time it was because babies have no sense of time. The tingling and pain increase and the edge of the sofa starts to look a lot closer as my body begins to grow.

“Nomi!” I call out, my speech returning gradually. All of my knowledge and my memories was gradually starting to return and it was confusing due to the speed it was happening. I had become used to being a baby.

As I become around seven years old again, Naomi enters the living room, she had been in the nursery cleaning up after my accident with the baby powder when I was being changed. Uncoordinated hands can fairly send things flying, can’t they?

“Are you okay?” She asks and she stops when she sees a girl of around seven, nearing eight years old, looking at her while clad in a nappy and very torn baby t-shirt.

“It wasn’t supposed to wear off so soon” Nine years old now, growing up so fast. It’s true when they say that kids grow up fast, just not this fast.

“I’ll be an adult again soon, is there anything I can wear when I do?” Naomi nods and helps me up from the sofa, the rapid growth is really painful. Helping me through to the spare room and reaching it just as I enter my teens again, Naomi helps me onto the bed and quickly leaves the room, returning just as I hit eighteen years old with a thick adult nappy, the large changing mat and some clothes I can wear.

Placing the items down on the dresser in the room, Naomi sits down next to me and squeezes my left hand as the pain decreases and I continue to get older. Puberty at the slow pace is bad enough, but at a fast pace it’s brutal.

Soon I’m back in my thirties and the ageing slows down, finally stopping at thirty six years old. Pity it couldn’t have stopped at twenty five or younger.

“I’ll put a nappy on you, okay? You might need it for either comfort or other needs” I nod weakly, I feel so weak after that rapid growth. It was barely minutes ago that I was an 18 month old baby girl, now I’m a thirty six year old woman and I feel so weakened. Every part of me aches.

Tending to me as gently as ever, Naomi removes the now tight and tiny baby nappy and applies a larger adult one, securing it firmly and giving it a pat once done. Since I don’t have the strength yet to dress myself, Naomi dresses me with care and respect. I feel so helpless while this is happening.

“Thank you” I manage to say weakly once she’s finished.

“You’re very welcome, you just lie down here for now and let your strength return. You don’t have Reina’s fast healing so it may take some time for you to recover from ageing so quickly” It probably will, I’ve never experienced something like that before. I have a fast healing rate but I doubt it can work quickly enough for something like this.

Naomi leaves the room again and I stay on the bed letting my body recover, I can feel the thickness and softness of the nappy between my legs, I can feel my breasts on my chest and the bra I’m wearing, I can feel the softness of the large t-shirt that Naomi had dressed me in and the softness of the socks on my feet. My senses are fairly working hard as my body adjusts to being an adult again.

I feel so tired, so very tired.

So my body responds by falling asleep.

~~

I’m not sure what time it is when I wake up, but Reina is sitting on the edge of the bed when I do. I don’t know what time it was when I aged back.

“Evening, feeling better?” I do feel better now, still not one hundred percent but close.

“Getting there, never felt so weak before, not even when I almost died from the flu last year” I had been fairly weakened from that flu, it had taken all of my strength to get medical help, my body had fairly struggled.

“Well don’t overexert yourself, let yourself recover. How did you like being a baby for the past few days?” It had been wonderful, so blissful and relaxing.

“I loved it, can I do it again?” Reina shakes her head.

“No, according to Trilena it wouldn’t be a good idea. Without the bio-tech I have it could kill you the next time you age back, the shock from ageing so quickly put a severe strain on your body. Rest for now and let your body regain it’s strength, Naomi’s hoping you’ll let her baby you until it’s time for you head back to your home universe. She loves babying me and babying you, she’s been checking in on you the entire time you were sleeping, changed you a couple of hours ago. I’ve been sitting here for the past twenty minutes or so, only just got back from work half an hour ago. You look well rested” I feel well rested, I haven’t felt this well rested ever. I’ve never had much luck with sleeping since the abuse in my childhood, my sleep tends to be restless.

“Hungry” I whisper, my stomach growling.

“As expected, I’ll let Naomi know right now. Don’t you get up yet, you must still be pretty weak” Getting up from the bed, Reina leaves the room while I just stay here. Would I be this weak during recovery from any future surgeries, if I’m going to end up returning to that wreck of a body when I return to my home universe? I’ve never liked being helpless, I’m too independent, too stubborn to give in to weakness.

I don’t have a choice this time though, while my strength is returning gradually, my arms and legs still feel pretty heavy.

I can see Bun Bun at the corner of my left eye, he must have been placed there while I was sleeping. Weakly I try to move an arm and pull him down for a needed cuddle, it takes several tries but eventually I manage to pull him down and cuddle him close. I wonder if such things would be allowed for adults recovering from surgery? Not sure.

I do both dread and look forward to reaching that point in my transition, if this change to fully female doesn’t carry over when I return to my home universe. Something to comfort me during the recovery stage would be quite welcome since I have a slim chance of visitors if my surgery is far from the Aberdeenshire area.

Such things are far in the future at this time though, I hope my copy in my home universe has been taking their HRT doses on time, if I have to return to that body then it better be taking it’s estrogen pills.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been here cuddling with Bun Bun before Naomi enters the room with a tray of food that she sits down on my lap.

“Reina said you were hungry, I’m not sure what you like so I hope this will be fine. Feeling better?” Tomato soup with some bread, nothing special but better than nothing and I was pretty hungry. Naomi probably didn’t want to risk anything too extensive until my body’s more able to accept it.

“Getting there, I hope I wasn’t a burden, I wasn’t expecting to be so weakened” Naomi shakes her head and sits down on the edge of the bed.

“No burden, you needed to be cared for and you needed the sleep after that sudden large growth spurt. Can you manage to eat or would you like some help?” I try by myself first, with effort I manage to move my right arm to the spoon and start to lift it, then my strength fades and the spoon falls back onto the tray.

“May need some help, if that’s okay, if not then I’m sure I can wait a bit” I hate being a burden to anyone.

“I don’t mind, gives me the excuse to baby you. Baby style or a more dignified adult style of feeding?” Either sounded good to me, my stomach didn’t care as long as it got something in it.

“Whichever you prefer” Naomi smiles and breaks some of the bread before dipping a piece in and bringing it to my mouth.

“This is shuttle control, you have permission to land” Naomi remarks as I open my mouth to accept the soup soaked piece of bread, this wasn’t so bad.

~~

My strength finally returns in full the next day, I manage to move my arms and legs somewhat before hand but not enough to allow any support for my upper body weight on my legs, attempts to do so resulted in falling back onto the bed and the nappy taking as much of the impact as possible.

Around ten or so at night I fall asleep again, the house is peaceful and outside the house is mostly peaceful aside from the sounds of some local kids being loud mouthed prats as many tend to be in their vain attempt to appear macho in front of their equally insecure peers.

There’s some traffic as well but not much, the village is peaceful.

The next morning I find myself able to stand for a longer period of time and I waddle, due to the thick nappy, through to the kitchen where Reina is serving breakfast.

“Morning, hungry?” Very. First though I needed the bathroom and I waddle through to the bathroom where I tend to the usual body waste management needs before washing up and returning to the table.

“Trilena called Naomi last night just after you fell asleep, sadly with bad news. Your change to fully female is only while you’re here, once you return to your home universe you’ll go back to how you were before. Sorry” My heart sinks at that news, I have only been fully female for about four days or so and I love it. It feels so completely natural to me, how I was meant to be. The thought of returning to that wreck of a body with very low chances of my physical transition going well is not a pleasant one.

“Knew it was too good to be true” I whisper unhappily, to be given this chance of true happiness and to have it taken away is cruel indeed.

So bloody cruel.

~~

The next few days before I have to return are peaceful days, Naomi insists on babying me and Reina joins in at times on Naomi’s insistence since Reina needed it for her health. The dread of returning to my life though continues to build, I didn’t want to return but I had to. I couldn’t risk this universe by staying any longer than was safe.

The night before I have to return is a sorrowful night for me, this past week has been so calming and relaxing, so badly needed after years of so much effort to try and push forward with my transition while struggling with worsening disabilities.

In the spare room where I have been sleeping since ageing back, I curl up in a corner – not something I do in general but this time warranted it – and feel tears spring to my eyes. I don’t want to go back but I have to, I can’t stay here even though I feel more at home here than I do back home.

Here I can be myself instead of people seeing only some wreck of a body and misgendering me all the time, here I have a chance of living my life while back home I don’t.

All I live for is for my transition, my parents would be just fine without me, my brother and sister will keep the family line going, there is nothing I can do there. I’m sterile there due to making that sacrifice, I’m always at risk of being murdered by some transphobic loser, here I have a chance of being able to defend myself and fight for my right to live.

Back there there’s constant hatred and ignorance, here is no better in that area but there is a chance here that things will improve. Back home there’s a high chance of mass death because of hatred and bigotry fuelled by religious pricks desperate to enforce conformity to suit themselves.

Hope had so little chance there of becoming a full reality for many.

“Reina?” My daughter in the doorway, in a sense she is my daughter since I created her although in many ways she is so much older than me. It’s funny how a writer’s mind works in some regards.

Entering the room and sitting down on the floor next to me, I feel her wrap an arm around me.

“Dreading going back tomorrow?” I nod in reply, the tears are getting strong by the second, before long there will be a full breakage of the dam.

“I finally get a chance of happiness and it’s not permanent, all that I’ve endured, all of the sacrifices I’ve made and I’m denied everything I’ve worked and suffered so much for. It’s like some sick joke for those of us who try so hard for the slim hope that it will all pay off, only to have it taken away so soon. No wonder so few have any hope back home when hope is largely denied” How much more did I have to endure and suffer through before I finally got the break in life that is so sorely needed? Like this past week which has been so blissful and soothing, what more must I do back home before I can catch a break there? Or was it all just pointless with no let up?

Was there any hope at all?

And so breaks the dam.

“I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK! I HATE MY LIFE, I DON’T WANT TO BACK TO IT BUT I HAVE TO! I’M SO TIRED OF TRYING TO BE STRONG, I’M SO TIRED OF DOING MY BEST FOR SO LITTLE!” The tears flow and Reina cradles me as I let out over thirty years of amassed stress, pain, misery, loss and fatigue that I have had to bottle up for so long.

How much more must I do?

~~

The dreaded day arrives. After a tearful goodbye to Naomi and Karen, I go with Reina back to the flats. All the way there I fight the urge to just run, but that is not me, I do not run from my battles, I face them despite my personal feelings. The thought of returning is so painful though, so very painful.

We reach the flats after a few minutes and I can see the dimensional entrance back to my home universe waiting for me, this time I have to go through alone.

“Ready?” Reina asks, I shake my head.

“No, but what choice do I have? I can’t stay here no matter how much I wish I could. Thank you for the wonderful week, I needed the break so badly and I still need one back home. I’m trying so hard to keep going” A squeeze of a hand and a hug from Reina, the last ones.

“You’re stronger than you think, you’ve come this far despite everything that’s been in your way. We all have our obstacles and we all have our limits, we can never run away from them. It’s time to go home and fight the good fight” As she says that I think of the character of Doyle in the Angel series when he died, his last words to Angel had been about fighting the good fight. The actor himself died not long after that episode.

I had to fight despite how tired I was, I had to keep my weapon and shield high. It wasn’t my time yet to stop fighting.

“Transform and roll out I suppose” I whisper as I reach out to the dimensional rift, I look back at Reina who smiles and reaches out a hand to me which I take.

“Onwards and upwards, as always” I can feel myself being pulled in and I let it happen, despite the deep longing to stay where I am. Reina holds on as long as she can but soon my hand leaves hers and I enter the dimensional rift.

I return to the home I do not regard as home.

~~

At first everything is bright then dims and I find myself in my uncomfortable bed, my copy must have been starting to wake up from another restless sleep.

To be certain that my body is what it is, I check and sigh sadly. It is. I’m back in my wreck of a body, I’m no longer the woman I was in full, now I’m once again a woman trapped in a birth defect of a male body.

Back to the grindstone that is this unwanted life then.

Always the grindstone.

 

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