Another Way, Another Day

Chapter 4

Third Visit – 9 Years Old (May 1st, 1994)

Amanda wanted to run away.  She wanted to be anywhere else in the world but the clinic.  She had thought of running away several times over the past few days, but the fantasy invariably dissolved, leaving her to face the reality of what trying to do so would entail.  The bold recklessness and rebellious spirit that had defined her as a teenager had yielded to fear of what would become of her if she did try and escape. 

More significantly, for the first time in her life, fear of her mother was something that overshadowed any of her other concerns.  The discipline and structure her mother had introduced into her life had caused Amanda to see her in a completely different light than she had before.  While she hated the fact that her mother now controlled her life, the thought of being away from her caused her to feel an anxiousness that was separate from the fear of being punished.  And besides, what if she did run away?  What then?  Where would she go?  Who would she go to?  None of her friends would recognize her and none of them would believe that she had been turned into a young girl.  At best, she’d eventually be caught by the police and returned to her mother.  At worst, she could be kidnapped or hurt.

The door to the examination room opened, breaking Amanda’s train of thought and causing her to jump a bit.  Doctor Gembella entered the room and smiled upon seeing Amanda in her shortalls and t-shirt.

“Good Morning, Amanda!  No chewing gum today?” she noted, sitting down at her chair and taking out Amanda’s chart.  Amanda sat on the examination table in silence with her arms crossed and a pouty look on her face.  She blamed the doctor for her situation just as much as she did her mother and resolved to show just how upset she was by giving her the silent treatment.

“I’m sorry for her attitude” her mother offered.  “Amanda, I know you aren’t happy to be here but I expect you to cooperate with Doctor Gembella and answer her questions.  Do you understand me?”  Amanda lazily looked up at her mother and nodded her head.

“It’s ok, Amanda.  I know you’ve gone through a lot these past few weeks.  I’m going to give you a physical examination and then you’re going to go see Doctor Fleming as usual, ok?  Now take your clothes off and lay down, dear.”

Amanda didn’t respond, but did as she was told.  As the doctor examined her, she found herself constantly raising her head to make sure her mother was still there.  Unlike her last physical examination, seeing her mother beside her gave her a sense of security and helped her cope with the embarrassment of having her regressed body examined.

After a few minutes, Dr. Gembella finished her examination and instructed Amanda to dress herself.  When she began to put her shortalls on backwards, her mother sat up and walked over to help her.

“I can do it myself, mom!” she snapped as she corrected her mistake and put the shortalls back on, orientating them correctly.  Amanda had become increasingly sensitive to her mother’s interventions, taking them as an insult to her dignity and independence.  Embarrassed, she began to tear up.  She fought hard to stop herself from crying, but she was finding it harder and harder to hold back her emotions.  Amanda finally broke down and began to weep on the examination table. 

“There, there, honey……I know” her mother said softly, taking a few tissues from her purse and dabbing her daughter’s eyes.  Amanda’s emotions were a churning mix of anger, fear, shame, resentment and vulnerability all at once.  She knew she was getting younger.  She knew that her world was changing by the day and yet she also feared what the future held.  She continued to cry as the doctor wrote on her chart, seemingly indifferent to the scene taking place in front of her.  It was something she had seen many times before. 

“Dr. Fleming is going to help you feel better about all of this, ok?” Amanda’s mother offered, holding her daughter in her arms and stroking her hair.  Amanda sniffled, wiping her nose with her forearm. 

“But I don’t wanna see her today!” she whined.  “I just wanna go home!”

The doctor finished writing on her chart and then pulled her chair close to the crying child, putting her hands in her lap and leaning towards her. “Amanda, I know you’re having a bad day, but I think you’ll feel better once you talk about how you’ve been feeling lately, ok?” she offered with a tone that suggested Amanda didn’t have a choice in the matter.  Amanda didn’t respond, instead resting her head on her mother’s arm and looking up at her with red, teary eyes.

“Please mom, don’t make me go today……please?” she begged.

Her mother hugged her, then kissed the top of her head.  “I’m sorry, honey, but you have to go.  Doctor Gembella is right” she answered in a soft but stern tone of voice.  Her mother looked up at the doctor with watery eyes as her daughter buried her face into her side and started crying again. 

“It’s so hard” she mouthed, her eyes fearful and pained.

Doctor Gembella looked down at the floor, then back up at Amanda’s mother.  She sat up, gently placed her hand on her shoulder, then left the room.

EXCERPT FROM POST-VISIT MENTAL HEALTH CHECK TRANSCRIPT

(PATIENT: AMANDA SILVERSTONE) (MAY 1st, 1994)

PSY:   

So, moving along……I know a lot has happened in the past month and I just want to talk to you about that and how it’s been making you feel, ok?  Again, I know you’ve had a   rough   day so don’t worry if it takes you awhile to think about something.

AS:     

I don’t wanna talk about what’s been happening to me.

PSY:   

But I’m sure you’ve had thoughts and feelings you want to talk about, right?  We don’t     have to talk about what’s been happening to your body if you don’t want to.  It’s more important that we talk about what’s been going on inside your head.

AS:     

It’s just that………(sighing)

PSY:   

Take your time, Amanda.  There’s no rush. 

AS:     

Being a kid again sucks!  My mom controls everything I do.  She’s telling me when to eat and what to wear and what shows and movies I can watch…….

PSY:   

I see…….

AS:     

…….and she talks to me like……like she’s…….

PSY:   

Your mom?

AS:     

Well, yea, but……..but I’m not really a little kid!  I’m 18!  Just because I look like this doesn’t mean she needs to treat me like that!  It makes me                                feel……… like…….all bad       inside.

PSY:   

I can understand why you’d be frustrated.  Do you think she’s doing it because she likes   making you feel bad?

AS:     

I……….don’t know?

PSY:   

Let’s talk about what you mean when you say she makes you feel “bad”.  What does “bad” feel like?  When does it happen?

AS:     

When I want to do something and my mom tells me I can’t.  It feels like…….um…….it   feels like she doesn’t care about what I want and that makes me feel bad.

PSY:   

Should she let you do whatever you want all the time?

AS:     

Ummm………I dunno.

PSY:   

Didn’t she used to do that?  Let you do whatever you wanted all the time?

AS:     

Yea, when I was big.  Before everything went backwards.

PSY:   

Didn’t you tell me during one of our talks that you had wished she was around more when you were a little girl the first time around?

AS:     

Yea…….I remember.

PSY:   

Do you remember when we last met that I asked you to think about the times you might   have cried because she wasn’t there when you needed her?  Take a few moments to think about that.

AS:     

(sound of sniffling)

PSY:   

It’s ok if you need to cry, Amanda.

AS:     

I’m not gonna cry.

PSY:   

Well, there’s tissues here just in case.  Do you think maybe those “bad” feelings you have when your mom tells you that you can’t do something might be because you aren’t used to being told “no”?

AS:     

Um….I guess?

PSY:   

And do you think that maybe your mother tells you “no” sometimes because she wants to make sure she does what’s best for you?  Because she loves you and cares about you?

AS:     

Maybe.

PSY:   

You don’t think she loves you?

AS:     

I guess.

PSY:   

Why do you guess?  Why aren’t you sure?

AS:     

Because she’s done stuff to me like spank me and punish me. 

PSY:   

I see.  Maybe I can talk to your mother about better ways to get you to do what she wants, without spanking you.  Would that be good?

AS:     

Yea……it’s not just that though…….there’s more I think.

PSY:   

Go ahead, tell me.

AS:     

She……..she turned me back into a kid.  I have to grow up all over again and she gets another chance at being a mom.  It doesn’t feel fair.  She gets to be young  and pretty again and I have to be like.......this.

PSY:   

It sure sounds unfair, doesn’t it?

AS:     

Because it is!

PSY:   

Well, if you think she loves you and wants to do what’s best for you, maybe she did it because she thinks it’s going to make things better for you. 

AS:     

Turning me into a kid was the only way?

PSY:   

Maybe not the only way, but maybe the way she thought was best.  Amanda, she didn’t do this to hurt you or make you feel bad.  She did it because she wants you to have a better life than you would have had if you went to jail.  I know it might seem selfish, but I think it’s already done you a lot of good.  I want you to know how proud I am of you for coming in today and sharing with me even though you didn’t want to.  You were a very brave girl this morning. 

AS:     

Can I go home now?

PSY:   

Yes, Amanda, right after we run through a few tests.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

POST-VISIT CONSULTATION TRANSCRIPT

(RACHEL SILVERSTONE, MOTHER OF AMANDA SILVERSTONE) (MAY 1st, 1994)

DCTR:           

Good Morning, Rachel.  Are you ok?  I didn’t mean to walk out on you earlier, but I really thought it best that the two of you have that time alone. 

RS:                 

No, no I totally understand.  I know you weren’t being rude.  Thank you, though.  Your concern means a lot to me.  It’s just that……

DCTR:           

Here.  Have some tissues. 

RS:                 

It’s ok.  I have them in my purse.  I’ve been needing them a lot lately.

DCTR:           

I understand.  Remember, you’re highly hormonal.  You’re entering the last phase of the rejuvenation process.  According to your chart you’re sitting at 28               years old right now.

RS:                 

It’s not just that.  I feel so guilty.  Each day she comes down the stairs for breakfast and she’s smaller than the day before.  She’s starting to look so young.  It’s been very difficult seeing her change like this.  It’s hard for me to look at myself in the mirror, too.   I see my reflection and I see this young, vibrant woman but I also see a mother who was too busy keeping her family afloat to be there for her daughter.  It brings back a lot of painful memories.

DCTR:

I understand.  A lot of the women who come through here express feelings of guilt.  You need to understand though that you’ve done the right thing, both for yourself and for your daughter.

RS:             

I appreciate you saying that, Fiona, I do.  It’s just so hard to be stern with her while she’s so vulnerable.  She’s going through so much right now.  I spanked her for the first time in her life and when it was over, I had to close the door to her room so she wouldn’t see me crying.  I’m trying so hard not to make the same mistakes but I’m afraid she won’t love me anymo….oh, gosh…..I’m sorry……

DCTR:           

It’s ok.  Please don’t……it’s ok.

RS:                 

Can I (inaudible)?

DCTR:           

…….of course

RS:                 

Thank you (sound of nose blowing).

DCTR:            

We’re almost at the finish line, Rachel.  Everything is going the way it’s supposed to.  We really need to start talking about what’s coming down the road, though.  Ok?

RS:                 

Yes.  Of course.  It’s ok.  I’m ok now.

DCTR:           

You’ll need to have time to go out and get everything you’ll need for her when her treatment is finished, but also what she’ll need in the last few weeks.  Remember, she’ll be in a place where she’ll still be able to do things for herself.  Not many, but a few.  I don’t recommend “ripping off the band aide” all at once, so to speak.  You need to let her lose her independence in a gradual, natural way.  That way, she’ll at least understand why you need to do the things you’ll be doing.     

RS:                 

I know.  I still need to do that.  I need to find a babysitter for her, though.  It’s going to take me most of the day.  I’ll have to get the furniture, arrange to have it delivered at the right time so it doesn’t scare her.  I just want to be able to introduce her to that new world once she’s ready, without her knowing.  It would be torture for her if she knew what was coming.  I want her to be as comfortable and happy as she can be before that.

DCTR:           

I absolutely agree.  Do you have anyone that you can trust?  Family is preferable.

RS:                 

We don’t have any family worth mentioning on my side.  Her father’s side even less so. 

DCTR:           

Any friends?  Neighbors?

RS:               

I just don’t want any of my friends or neighbors knowing until it’s done.  The only person I can think of is Jocelyn Campbell.  She was……well, I guess still is one of my daughter’s closest friends, along with Meghan Hart.

DCTR:           

And you trust her?

RS:                

She’s the only one of Amanda’s friends who isn’t wild and out of control.  A really good kid, always volunteering and helping out around the community.  I really wish she could have rubbed off on Amanda when they were hanging out together.  She’s a wonderful young woman.  She got accepted to Harvard, for God's sake.  She’ll be going there at the end of this year.

DCTR:           

Do you think Amanda would be ok with being babysat by one of her friends?

RS:                

I think she will, if I don’t make it sound like “babysitting”.  I can tell her that Jocelyn wants to see her and spend some time with her since she’ll be going  away to school soon. 

DCTR:           

Well, it sounds like she’s trustworthy.  Does she know about what’s been happening to Amanda? 

RS:                 

I wouldn’t be surprised if her mother told her.  Meghan and Jocelyn’s parents are very friendly with each other.

DCTR:           

Ok, that makes it a bit easier.  You’re still going to want to make it clear what she’ll  be in for when she does come to babysit.  A lot of people have a hard time accepting what they’re seeing.

RS:                 

I can definitely relate.  I’ll call her today and see when she can watch Amanda. 

DCTR:           

Perfect.  Remember, if there’s any emergencies you can call me at any time.  It doesn’t have to be about Amanda, either.  You’re a patient of mine, too.

RS:                 

Thank you, Fiona.  I appreciate that.  I truly do.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]